Tomorrow...

To explain how I'm feeling right now isn't easy. And that's putting it lightly.

I literally couldn't explain the emotions that are going through me at this very second. Not even if you gave me the entire day to do so.

First off, little Allie was born on Tuesday! Birth story and pictures will be posted shortly on her blog!

I'm excited to have her here, but it's hard to feel the full extent of that happiness when I know what is coming tomorrow. The anxiety is killing me. The sadness is heart-wrenching. What do I do?

My mom got us this beautiful stone for Cameron's garden, and brought it over today. I started crying and just kissing Allie over and over.
It's absolutely beautiful! I love it! But, just that fact that we need it breaks my heart. I just can't believe it's going to be 1 year tomorrow since we lost him.

I ordered some butterflies for tomorrow and they arrived today. An amazing place called butterflies and prayers donated them to us! So, we'll be releasing the butterflies while other family members release balloons. It's going to be so beautiful to see all of it, but it's not exactly excitement that runs through me when I think of the coming of tomorrow.

Insensitive!

The other day, I had gone to see Chev at work for his lunch break as usual. We were all sitting there, and we started talking about the baby. Well, one of his coworkers asked, "So it could be any day now, huh?", to which I replied, "Hopefully!".

Then we started talking about how Aiden was 3wks early and all of that. He said, "Wow...well, with this being your second...". I cut him off and held up 3 fingers - even though he knows ALL TOO WELL that this is our 3rd. So he says, "Well, you know what I mean. Your 3rd that might be born alive.". Um, excuse me! MIGHT?! I looked at him and said, "She's going to be born alive!!", and do you know what he said back to me?????

"You just never know what could happen..."

Who. In. The. Hell. says that to a pregnant woman?! LET ALONE a pregnant woman who just lost her baby boy a year prior?! Why would he have even thrown that in there?!?!?!?!?!?
I couldn't even say anything to him! Another one of the guys that was there looked at him and said something. I just turned my head. I haven't gone in to see Chev for lunch since then, and I don't plan on it unless he's not there, or until I get an apology!

The real kicker is, is that this is the same guy who, along with his wife, lost their baby boy 8yrs ago to pPROM - same way we lost Cameron. Now, one would think that if you've gone through this yourself, you know what to say and what not to say in those circumstances. Like I said though, that should be common sense not to say that shit to a pregnant woman!

So, of course, I left there seeing shades of red. I calmed down, but only to have things going through my head every moment of the day since then. "Why isn't she moving?", "Am I really going to bring her home?", "What if he's right, and it was just a warning to me in some way?".
I know deep down that Allie is coming home with us, but damn! Like I'm not scared enough as it is! Every day that passes that she isn't here, is just another day for something to happen in my eyes. I hadn't used my doppler in God knows how long. Since he made that comment, it's been out 4-5 times a day.
It shouldn't be like that, and I hate that it is! I hate worrying every day.

And this asshole just made it worse for me.

It's coming fast!

I feel like July has flown by!! I also feel like I've been trying to ignore that the 31st is coming up. I've been keeping myself as busy as possible, pretending that if I do so, that time will just stand still.

Wouldn't that be lovely.

I don't think we're going to make a HUGE deal out of the day. Just have myself, Chev, Aiden, my parents and his parents out to the memorial site to release some balloons, and to eat the cupcakes that Aiden is going to make. We'll have one with a candle in it for Cameron, that we will blow out as a family. Initially we were going to invite friends and everyone, but the thougth was causing me so much anxiety. I just want it to be special and personal. I know everyone will be thinking of Cameron and us that day, and that's all we really need. It'll be special no matter what!

I'm just getting more and more nervous as the days pass, and Allie's not here yet. I would love for her to come before the 31st, and to have her there at the memorial site. I really don't want to be in the hospital. Even if that does happen, I know we'll find a way to make it special, but I really wanted to do it at the memorial site - the place where we honored him and his little life - not in the hospital.... the place where he passed away.

I've had some mini-breakdowns in the past couple of weeks, but that's to be expected. It's just a mixture of everything that's going on right now.

It's amazing what strangers can do for a wounded heart.

So today, so far, hasn't been as bad as I was expecting. The thoughts are in my head, but it's not a day that I want to crawl in a hole like I thought I would have.

Today is the day that our nightmare began a year ago. Tonight, around 8:30, will mark the time that my water broke too early last year. I've been trying to keep myself busy, and so far so good. It helps too that Allie is beating the crap out of me today! :)

We got home just a bit ago, and I went out to get the mail. I noticed a small yellow package in our box. I wasn't sure what to expect, because from my memory (which isn't so good these days), I hadn't remember ordering anything. Well, I pulled it from our mail box, and this is who it was addressed to - "Cameron's Mommy".

I started bawling right there on my front porch! My heart was beating a million times a minute it seemed. I searched it frantically to give me any indication of what was inside. Still confused, I went inside, sat down and nervously stared at it. Just stared. All I could see through my tears were the words "Cameron's Mommy" - those words touched me so deeply. That's right - I am Cameron's mommy!

I stuck my finger into the side of it, still racking my brain with what it could be. Finally I just ripped it open, and saw a card, and something wrapped in tissue. I read the card, which stated, "I hope you can find a special spot for Cameron's angel wings." Just below that, it read, "Fly, fly little wing, fly where only Angels sing...". Then, it was signed with love.

It hit me then that they were the pair of little angel wings that I had emailed a wonderful woman about a couple weeks back. She makes these cute little wings with a name tag and "birth date" attached.

It always seems as if something like that happens on the days I need it most. It's so strange how it happens, but I have no doubt in my mind that it's Cameron's way of showing me that he's here for me. I remember shortly after losing him, I was having a horrible day, and how that random preacher showed up at my door. All he wanted to do was talk to me and at the end he said a prayer for us and for Cameron. I remember my necklace showing up just a day before his memorial - a day that I was a complete wreck on. I remember butterflies flying by when I was alone and thinking of Cameron. I remember getting gifts, pictures, and people randomly popping up online to say simple things, on days that I wasn't doing so good on.

I wish there was a way I could thank my little man for all he's done for me. He definitely takes care of me in amazing ways! It's just odd when you think of it - I should be taking care of him.

It's all coming back

Everything is all too familiar right now. The weather, the smell of the air, the way the breeze blows - it's all just one big rush of emotion for me. It's crazy that I can close my eyes and imagine exactly how things were last July

Even the smell of our house. It brings every little thing back so clearly. Every now and then, the smell of the hospital room will hit me. The feeling of lying in that bed, knowing Cameron was gone, while I stared out the window. I remember looking out at the city and watching everyone go about their business. How lucky they were I thought. It angered me at the same time - to know that those people were going about their daily lives, while I was in this room, with my son, who had already gone to be with the Lord, lay silently inside of me.

Everything is just super crazy. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me. I miss him so much. I think of how different our life would be today, had he survived.
It's funny how I'm going back to the same ways of calming myself as I did last year. You think you get past that, but then it comes back. You have to remember how you got through those first few weeks of hell, and remind yourself that you can do this.

Remembering to "just breath" has been my saving grace for the past year...

Happy 4th ...

It's crazy to think about this time last year. I was at a friends lake house, enjoying myself with my husband and son, and thinking about our little one we would have in 4 months. I remember turning down drinks, and being leary of eating the hot dogs (lol...paranoia much?). I remember laying out on the deck in my jean skirt and bikini top, staring lovingly at my tiny baby bump. I sat there with such excitement inside of me, knowing that in just a few short weeks, we would find out if we were having a precious baby boy or girl.

I think how crazy it is that I had no idea that in just 6 days, our world would get turned upside down. Isn't it weird when you think about that? What would I have done differently had I known that it was going to happen? How would this time last year be different than it actually was. Fate is a strange thing. A confusing thing. It's wild.

Now, here I sit again, on another 4th of July. Very pregnant, but with different feelings inside of me. Where little Allie is - that was our Cameron's home just a year ago. He was the one flipping around inside of me (although, it didn't hurt as bad then as it does right now with little miss Allie :) ), growing stronger by the day. I remember how happy I was! Then, he was gone 4wks later...

Now it's her. This little girl that I love just as much as both of my other children. This little miracle who has shown me that life continues, and that it's still beautiful.
Then I ask myself: Will she ever know what she's truly done for us? She's put patches on the most broken of hearts. Will they ever be completely healed? No. But, she's not even here yet, and she has made it possible for her mother and father to smile again, and for me to finally breathe with ease.


...Cameron sat inside of me last year. He heard the loud boom of those fireworks. This year, he gets the best seat in the house. While in my mind, that spot is in my lap, I know in my heart that he couldn't be in a more beautiful place.

Happy 4th of July sweet pea ... I will be thinking of you as the beautiful lights fill the sky.

I'm scared.

...well that's actually an understatement. I'm terrified to be honest. Terrified of what emotions this month will bring, and how I will handle them. I've already broken down twice in the past week, and we still have 8 more days until we hit the day that our nightmare started, one year ago. We've got 29 days until Cameron's angelversary.

It's just so hard to believe that it's almost been a year! Where did the time go?! One year without him. One year since his little heart stopped. One year that he went to be with our Lord.

I can sit here and imagine his day. All of us sitting around, celebrating his short life. Smiling, while we eat his birthday cake, and as we release those balloons for him. But what if it's not like that? What if I'm a mess? What if I can't smile at all that day? I want to - God do I want to - but, how will I feel if that's not how things go?

I'm not sure if I'm more nervous about the days leading up to the 31st or about the day itself. I've always heard that the days leading up are the hardest. How can that be? I wonder if it's anxiety. I have OB's every week this month. One being on the 8th and another on the 31st. I was going to tell them to change it, but my OB is booked like crazy, so I didn't bother. Plus, maybe it will help me some. To go in and to hear Allie's heartbeat. To be reminded of this beautiful gift that our little boy has given us, and to be reminded that life really can continue to be beautiful - even after something so tragic happens.


I've been on edge lately too, which I hate! I feel like Aiden and I do nothing but argue! I'm getting into yelling matches with a 4 year old for crying out loud! I feel awful, but between the pregnancy, it being July, and Aiden acting up like a typical 4yr old, it's just a lot to deal with right now.