LEARNING TO LIVE AGAIN...

So, it's been awhile...

2010-12-15T23:44:00.000-05:00

I apologize. Life has been hectic, and I suppose as this wound somewhat heals over time, I don't "need" my blog as much as I used to. It was my crutch a lot of the time.

I guess I just sort of put it in the back of my mind.

Cameron, however, is still alive as ever in my heart and mind! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my sweet little boy! I don't cry near as much, but there are those times where it still hits me and I shed quite a few tears, in the office, by myself, holding his picture to my chest.

We're getting there though! People still bring him up, and friends let us know that they think about him/us all of the time. That means the world to me! I've always been so afraid that people will forget him because they never got the chance to truly meet him. None of us did. That's why I do the things I do for him. It's my job, as his mommy, to keep his memory alive.

There are still times where I'll mention something about him - whether it's his initials or something else - and even members of my own family, say, "Huh?". THEN it clicks. It KILLS me, but I can't be upset with them. I just say his name, very matter-of-fact like, and go on with what I was talking about.

The holidays are always a little harder. Christmas is his special day. I think about him being 2 this year, opening his presents, and seeing the excitement in his little eyes. All I can do is imagine though. But, if imagination is all I have left to "see" him in my life, then I'll take it! I'll picture him sliding down the stairs on his little butt (the way Allie does), and running to the tree (the way I'm sure Allie will), and just staring in amazement, not sure which present to rip at first! I'll picture him sitting there, admiring his new toys next to his brother and sister, and I'll smile while doing so <3

Cameron's garden and prayers

2010-08-17T23:44:00.000-04:00

Cameron's garden is coming along! I'm so happy to finally be starting it! We still have some stuff to clean up, and a few more things to add, but it's already beautiful! Everything he deserves!

It's also nice to know that I now have a spot to go if I need to have some alone time with Cameron. I always tried here at the house - whether it be sitting on the couch or crouched down in front of where his urn sits - but I couldn't concentrate. Too much going on.

I can't wait for the flowers to bloom and to see all of the beautiful butterflies flying around his little place! We got the second blueberry bush planted, and it looks great! I picked the Jersey species because they start blooming and popping berries around July 30, which was the closet to Cameron's birthday out of all the species they had at the nursery! The minute I saw that, I made up my mind that that was the plant I wanted!

I'll get the pictures up tomorrow!

On a side note Iwant to ask that you all say a prayer for my friend and her family. Her sister just lost her baby girl this past Saturday. Little Reese lived for just over a day before going to be with our Lord. My heart is breaking for them, and it hurts to see my friend so heartbroken. I'm not really close at all with the parents, but I know the hurt they're feeling, and to see what they're going through, just brings back everything from when we lost Cameron.
Just please keep them in your prayers, and pray that God lends them his gentle hand to help them through such a hard time.

What an amazing day!!!

2010-07-31T23:44:00.000-04:00

I couldn't have asked for a better day - for myself and for Cameron!!

I made it a point to smile and be happy today, and I did it! Now, there were points where my eyes did water a bit, but for the most part, I looked at today as a happy celebration of Cam's little life, and the imprint he has left on all of out hearts!!

I smiled at how amazing my little boy is!!

His balloon release was great! And I know he was there with us! The sun shown brighter than ever after the release and a monarch butterfly floated above us and follwed us for a few minutes as we were leaving!! I know it was a sign! You don't see something that beautiful and meaningful for no reason - especially after what we were doing!!

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY CAMERON!!! You are oh-so-loved, sweet pea! I hope you had an amazing time today, and smiled just as much as I did!!

In this one, a friend of mine pointed out that it looks like an angel behing the sun, with the wings coming out on the right side, and a hand reaching out on the left side! This was right after the balloon release, and also the same time the butterfly was flying around us!

Sissy with Cam's balloons!! It's hard to believe that last time she was there, she was only 3 days old!

More to come as soon as I get them uploaded...

Two years...

2010-07-30T22:44:00.001-04:00

I remember this day like it was yesterday.

Except it wasn't - it was two years ago. Two years that have gone by too fast. (I still sleep with that green blanket every night!)

Things are getting easier as each month passes, and as tomorrow comes, I find myself a little anxious, and with that ever too familiar feeling of being on the verge of tears. However, it's a little different this year. There's a little bit more peace within me. I think that's what everyone means when they say that time will make things easier. Every year that passes, takes a little bit of the sting away. I know our hearts will never fully mend, but they will heal more and more as time goes by.

I look at my life now, and as much as I hate what happened to us, I can't imagine what we'd be life had we not lost Cameron. It's changed me as a person - my view on life...my view on everything around me really. It's changed our family. It's part of who we are. I never thought I'd be a mother to an angel child, but I am, and I've accepted that.

Do I often wonder what it would be like if he was here? Of course. And sometimes, I'll even look at Allie and think of her as Cameron. But then I look at her as her and I couldn't imagine that little stinker not being here with us. She's here for a reason - God knows it and Cameron knows it, and maybe one day I'll see it -But, for now, I don't think about the reasons. I just see my beautiful family and am thankful for everything we do have. Cameron blessed us with Allie to shine some light back into our family, and boy how brightly it shines!! I can't thank him enough for looking after each of us, and taking care of us.

My sweet little Cameron,

I miss you so much. There's really not much more to say, is there? Tomorrow is your 2nd birthday, but you're not hear to celebrate with us. But trust me, sweet pea, we will celebrate you! The little life you had, the amazing strength you showed, and the way you taught me to live again. We'll celebrate it all, but more than anything, we're just going to celebrate sweet little you.I think about you constantly - wondering what our lives would be like if you were here. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I know you didn't get to be here for so long, but I would rather have just a single second with you, than not have you in my life at all. I wish you were here with us, in person, but I'm just thankful we get to have you in our hearts - forever and always. We wouldn't be the same without you. We're a special kind of family now. And that's OK! I'm blessed to have my three children, and even though I don't have you here with me, I'm lucky that I have you to watch over us. I'm lucky that you're around us all of the time, and I know I can talk to you whenever I miss you - be it 3am or in the middle of the day when I'm driving down the highway. You're always there.

Please let tomorrow be as easy on us as possible. Shine that light of yours on us just a little brighter than you usally do! Smile, play, and know that we love you so very much little man!! We'll be sending lots of balloons your way!

I didn't miss these tears...

2010-05-06T23:29:00.002-04:00

I've cried for the first time in awhile tonight. There's a part of me that just wants to surround myself in everything that is Cameron right now. I'm yearning to feel closer to him. I think that's the natural mommy thing to feel though. We want to be close to our children, and it's such a struggle inside our hearts to know that you can't be with one of them. You can't hold them, touch them, comfort them, kiss them, etc. And that's what kills.

The only two things I said through my tears were,

"I love and miss you so much Cameron."

and

"This just sucks."

Pretty much sums it up.

When he was here...

2010-04-27T12:45:00.003-04:00

Do you ever find yourself looking at dates on pictures, papers, tickets, etc. and thinking to yourself, "My baby was still alive on that day."? I ran across a picture a few minutes ago and the date in the corner was 7-25-08. The first thing to go through my head was, "Cam was still with us. His little heart was still beating then".

My eyes watered. It's those little things - those little dates - that give your heart a little jolt.

I've been doing awesome lately though!! I only think fondly of Cameron now.

Does it still hurt? Of course.

But, I smile more than ever now! I talk to Allie about him and show her things. I know she doesn't understand yet, but she will one day. More than anything, it just sucks. It sucks that I can't have all 3 of them here. It sucks that Aiden and Allie never got to meet their brother. But, a the same time, I know it's OK. Because one day, I'll have all 3 of my babies in my arms and they'll get to meet their brother!

2010-03-10T00:15:00.004-05:00

As time goes by, I feel as if I'm losing touch with Cameron. In my heart I know that's not really possible, but as the days pass, and as our lives continue to move forward w/out him, it almost seems as if he's just a whisper in the wind.

I used to feel so "connected" to him. I still do, don't get me wrong, but it's not as strong as it once was. What does this mean? I have no idea. What I do know is that I love him with all of my heart, and that my heart still aches for him so very much. I think life is just really getting the best of me at times. I feel so busy, rushing around with Aiden and Allie. So busy, that at times, I will go a long while w/out thinking of Cameron. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about him, but it doesn't consume my mind like it used to. I suppose time will do that. I hate time. I wish it would just stop, but what good would that do? I'm just so afraid of going so long without him. It'll be two years this Summer. Two years....

And I still remember every bit of him. Every kick I ever felt, every time he made me almost pee my pants. I remember his tiny hands and feet. That's the funny part about this. Time goes by, and next thing I know it'll be 5 years without him, but I will never forget the little things. They're forever etched in my memory.

I'm rambling, and I probably don't make a damn bit of sense right now. It's just so hard to put into words how I've been feeling. I feel guilt. I feel anger. I feel sorrow. I feel my heart still breaking into a thousand pieces from time to time. I try to let the love and happiness I have left outshine those other things, but it takes so much out of me. It's an internal struggle that I don't know I'll ever win.

I'm so completely happy with my little family here at home, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't give up anything. Heather and I were talking the other day, and I told her that before I had Allie, I used to think that I would give up anything to have Cameron back with me. But after Allie was born, I realized that's not true. I couldn't give her up. Ever. It's that part of you that you want to say has almost come to peace with what has happened. I don't want to say I'm OK with what happened, because what parent is OK with losing a child. But, I am OK. Do you get what I mean? I told Heather she would know what I mean as soon as she holds little Ellie in her arms.

I don't know how to explain any of this right now. It's late, I'm tired, and my mind is slightly clouded.

I did want to share this though. I can't remember for the life of me where I found it, but I saved it because it makes me smile every time I read it.

"They say that time in Heaven is compared to the 'blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my son, running ahead of me, through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies. So happy and completely caught up in what he is doing, that by the time he turns around to see if I'm behind him...I will be."

Long time

2010-02-18T00:47:00.002-05:00

It seems so empty around here anymore - blogland that is.

Everyone has either just dissapeared or they are busy updating new blogs, with their new babies. I'm the same way! This place used to be my crutch, but I don't need it as much as I used to anymore. It's still the first place I come to write when I'm in a down moment, but those moments are far and few between now. Not that I've never written a happy post - I've written quite a few actually - but, it's more than likely that someone will write more when they're in a bad place, you know?

I haven't been in a bad place in awhile now! I've had a couple of down moments, but nothing bad.

Still thinking of my little man every single day. :) and he makes sure of that too! Just the little things that happen! Take for instance the fact that he was born at 6:55. Everyday I will look at the clock, not even thinking about what time it is, and it will be 6:55. I just smile. And my dreams....oh, the dreams. They bring me more comfort than anything else - they always have. It's the only place I can go to and be with Cameron. I remember one of the first dreams I had about him. I was actually pregnant with Allie at the time, but I didn't know she was a girl yet.

I blogged about it here, but it was basically that Cameron was wheeled into my hospital room, in a bassinet, and I got to hold him, and love on him, and look into his eyes. He smiled at me. Then, in a split second, it wasn't him anymore. It was a baby girl. I was confused and hurt, but at the same time, I was still drawn to this new baby. I wanted to take her home...I knew she was mine.

2 months later we found out we were having a little girl. I took that dream as a sign from Cameron, that Allie is part of him. Some of the things she does, some of her features - they are him. Just as it is with Aiden. I see all of my children in one another, and it makes my heart melt.

My love. Don't you worry your cute little head. I will never forget you. I think about you daily, and you're in my heart always. We love you munchkin!

A long time coming...

2010-01-04T23:37:00.006-05:00

Some strange feeling as come over me in the last week or so. I feel horribly guilty for it, but at the same time, there's a sense of freedom attached to it. I use the term "freedom" lightly here because I don't want to make it seem as if I'm wanting to "free" myself of Cameron. I never could, nor would I ever want to.

I just want to free myself of the heartache and pain that has engulfed me in the past year.

I was sitting at the dining room table, Aiden was playing the Wii, Chev was in the kitchen, and Allie was sleeping on the couch. I looked at Cameron's picture and urn on the entertainment stand. It hit me then - THIS is my family. And I'm happy with it.

I love Cameron just as much as I love Aiden and Allie - that's no secret - and, as I check on Aiden and Allie before I got to sleep, that feeling hits me again. I'm happy. I'm truly happy for the fist time since losing Cameron.

Part of me feels guilty for feeling that, but it's what I've been waiting for, for so long. And I know Cameron would never want it any different. For the first time since losing Cameron, I've gone an entire week without shedding a single tear, and I must say it feels mighty good. I held back from feeling this way for a long time, because somewhere in my mind, not hurting and not crying meant I didn't miss him, or that I didn't care anymore.

I've always said you never "get over" or "move on" from what happened. You just learn to live with it - and I think that's what I'm starting to do. I'm learning to see my family as being whole. Why shouldn't I? Yes, one of my children isn't here, but that doesn't mean he's not in my heart. It's taken me a year and half to do this. I'm sure I will have relapses, but that's normal. My heart will still ache from time to time, and I know I'll cry once in awhile. All normal.

I deserve to have a real smile on my face, and my children deserve to see their mother laugh whole-hearted once again.

Three little stockings, all hung with care...

2009-12-23T00:17:00.004-05:00

This is the first year that we have ever done stockings, and to look up and see three of them hanging there, hurts so bad.

There are three stockings here in this house. I can physically see them and touch them. But, there are only two children in this house that I can say the same for. It's so messed up.

Aiden and Allie's both have red with swirls and bells, and then there's Cameron's green one with red and polka dots. It kills me to know that only two of those stocking will only be filled. Every year, for the rest of my life, that's how it's going to be.

I've been in a bit of funk lately. I can't explain it. I just feel so dead inside, but not in a way that's so horrible that I let it affect me on the outside - if that even makes sense. It's just that emptiness that I'm always going to feel. I know it's there -I've gotten used to it- but sometimes it shows itself more than ever, and my heart feels like it's breaking all over again.

I love Christmas. I love the meaning behind Christmas, and that's why I don't want to get too down on myself. This holiday is for Jesus Christ and no one else. There is no other meaning behind it. I rest assured in knowing that this Holiday, we celebrate He who gave His life for our sins. It's Him who I look to in my worst moments, and it's because of Him that I will one day get to see my son again.

It's the waiting that's just so hard. It's like I'm being torn apart. Not a single part of me wants to leave my children - my family - behind anytime soon. But then there's the part of me that wants to see and hold Cameron so bad. If I could have ANY Christmas wish, it would be that Cameron could come to be with us, even if just for a day, in complete human form. So I could hold him, hug him, touch his little hands, and kiss his sweet forehead once again. Except this time, unlike the last time I held him, his beautiful eyes would be wide open, gazing into mine, and he'd be gripping my finger with his tiny hand.

What I wouldn't give to have a moment just like that this Christmas. But, I know that can't happen, so I'll have to settle for my dreams. It's the closest I ever get to Cameron, and I cherish each and every one of them...

Trudging along...

2009-12-15T00:04:00.002-05:00

I can honestly say that this December has been a little easier than last year. We'll see how I do on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but the fact that I'm doing better than last year already, is promising.

Does it mean I'm moving on? Not a chance. Never will. It just gets easier with time - as does everything in life that hurts us. I look at his ornament on the tree, and I miss him terribly, but I stop and think of how fantastic he must be doing, and how proud he must be of all of us. I can only imagine what he thinks as he looks down on his big brother and little sister. I know he loves them just as much as Aiden loves him, and as much as Allie will love him when she's old enough to know all about him.

I need to put up all of their stockings. While I'm so very happy to be putting 3 little stockings up, it's going to be hard to fill two, and have the other one be empty. I think I'll get Cam a little Christmas teddy to hang out of his. I could never let him go with nothing in there...

I need to get in the shopping mood, that's for sure! I haven't bought a single gift. Speaking of the store, I was there with Allie the other day, and a women stopped me. She was ogling over Allie, and said she had "one at home" who was about the same size. She asked how old Allie was and I told her, "About four and half months.". She then said, "Oh! Same here! July 31st!". It always makes me skip a beat when I hear that date. Just as I do whenever I hear the name Cameron. I realized I let out a little gasp, and a smile, and part of me wanted to say, "Mine too!!!!", but I quickly said, "Oh, She's the 28th!".

...I love the little things like that, that pop up so randomly.

So long ago

2009-11-27T22:47:00.003-05:00

I think it's finally starting to hit me that Cameron's been gone this long. Before, it seemed as if we had just lost him weeks ago.

I look at his u/s picture, and now it really does feel like forever. I don't know if it's because Allie's here and she's growing so fast, or what, but I do know that something has changed.

Do I like it? Not really. While thinking of him only being gone for weeks was hard, the realization that he's been gone for over a year, kills.

This past Thanksgiving was the last of the "firsts" for us. This Christmas would have been Cameron's 2nd...but now it will be Allie's 1st.

I'm glad to be done with all of the "firsts", but having it go on to the seconds, is making this harder even yet. It just makes me think of everything Cam is missing and what he'll only continue to miss...

forever love

2009-11-13T23:27:00.002-05:00

My love

When will this reality fully hit me? When will I stop being shocked at the fact that you're not with us? I think about you all of the time, and am happy when doing so, but then that horrid thought hits me - it hits me like it did the minute I found out you were gone. Why does this still happen a year later? I know you're gone. I've known that for over 15 months now, but why can't my mind and heart fully grasp that?

I stare at your sister and then I raise my eyes and I'm met with the sight of your urn sitting in front of me. I have a baby in my arms - a baby that should be you. It's all so complicated in my head. I'm not sure any part of me will ever truly "get" this. How does a mother differentiate between the conflicting feelings that engulf her heart as she holds her rainbow baby, but thinks so longingly of her precious angel.

I close my eyes and I can see you. I trace every part of your body with my eyes - never forgetting any single part of it. Oh sweetheart, if you only knew how much love my heart has for you. How much I miss you. How much I wish I could be planning your first birthday. This kills me...

I've come to the conclusion that my tears for you will never end. They stop on occasion, but they will never, ever be gone. I think lovingly of you, and I smile, but even so, my eyes never stay dry for long. What am I supposed to do with myself without you Cameron?

I hate living with a piece of my heart missing. How can anyone enjoy life fully like that? I live though - I live for Daddy, for Aiden, and for Allie. If it weren't for them, I don't think I'd be here right now. They keep me here, even when there are days that I so wish I could be with you. They need me... and I've learned more than ever, that I need them too.

I just want to see your face. Just one more time before the long wait I have until I'm with you. I think that's what makes this so hard. If there were a way for me to check in on you - to see your beautiful face - I could handle this. I'm your mother. I'm protective. It tears me apart inside to know that I can't be there for you!!

I love you.

Seriously?

2009-10-30T13:00:00.003-04:00

Ok, I'm a little peeved at the moment! First off, the Walk to Remember was beautiful, but we had some serious issues.

First, we were late, and when we got there, we had learned that our shirt that we pre-ordered and registered for, had been given to other people. People that just showed up. Who's babies name wasn't on the shirt. People who hadn't registered or paid.

Apparently this was due to a misunderstanding between the volunteers. They were not supposed to sell our shirt, but instead, sell the shirts they had left over.

Not only that, but when I opened the program, they had Cameron's birthday wrong!! How do you mix up July and April, when I wrote it clear as day for you??

I emailed the director, who is an absolute sweetheart. She apologized left and right, for the shirt mistake. I didn't tell her about the program, because she was doing her best to fix the shirt issues. She offered us two free hoodies in addition to our shirts. I accepted.

Well, I get them today and guess what? Cameron's name isn't even on there!!! I'm so upset! If this was anything else, I'd let it go, but this is my baby! Fist you mess up his birthday and then you don't even include his name on the shirt with all of the other babies?!?!

My friend Heather went with us, and her baby Wyatt's name in on the shirts, so I'm just going to give her my sweatshirts. I guess all that can be done now is a refund of the money we paid to have this stuff done. I hate doing that, because I know the money goes to help with the walk, but I also paid it with the intention of getting a shirt with my babies name on it, you know??

Just thinking...

2009-10-19T23:06:00.003-04:00

As I was going to bed tonight, I stopped in front of our entertainment center to tell Cameron goodnight and to give his urn a little kiss as I usually do.

My attention then went to his scrapbook that my wonderful "Turkey" girls had made for us. I opened it and looked at every single page once again. I love looking at it. It takes my breath away, it gives me chills, and it never fails to bring tears to my eyes when I open it.

It just got me thinking how absolutely amazing these people in my life are. They have done more for me by remembering Cameron than my own family has. And by family, I mean grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. My parents and my brothers have been absolutely amazing! They've never forgotten him for a second, and they always remember special dates.

It just warms my heart to look at those pictures, and to know that on that one day, they all took a minute out of their day to remember my sweet little boy. From my oldest brother bringing flowers to me, and sitting with me, crying with me, as we talked about Cameron and how fragile life on Earth really is, to my youngest brother remembering to release balloons in Brazil while visiting his girlfriend. It's all just amazing.

I picked up his urn after going through the book again and I squeezed that thing like I was holding on for dear life. I kissed it, I rubbed it on my cheek, and then I got that every too familiar crushing feeling in my chest. The one that makes you gasp for a quick breath.You all know what I'm talking about. (what is that anyway?)
Part of me wanted to open it. But I don't think I ever will again. I've only ever opened it once. It was shortly after he passed. I was sitting at my dinning room table, and I unscrewed the lid. I don't know why, but part of me was scared to death. Then I just sat there and stared at the white ashes. It took my mind a bit to process what I was looking at. And then I actually stuck my fingers in there and pinched a bit of the ashes between my thumb and index finger. I brought them out and sprinkled them in my palm. I then swirled them around until they had all but absorbed into my own skin. Kind of how talc powder does. I can honestly look back and say that I have absolutely no clue why I did any of that. But I did, and for some reason, it made me feel better for half a second. Is that weird?

There are just so many emotions involved in this. For a few minutes I was elated - I was happy that my little man is remembered. And then I stare at Cameron's urn, and realize that's all I have left of him. That's the only way I get to hold him...in the palm of my hand. That tiny, beautiful, cold little urn. That's my baby...

Our wonderful night, and a sign from my angel!

2009-10-15T22:41:00.003-04:00

The vigil was small, but it was still there! It was cold and our candles kept blowing out, but we stuck it out for half an hour, an re-lit our candles time and time again.

After I got home, I lit my Cameron's candle, along with all of the other babies' candles.

The most amazing thing happened when I was sitting here as the candles burned. All of a sudden I heard this spilling/runny noise. Honestly, I thought Allie crapped her pants. My mouth fell open and I walked over to her in her bassinet. She was sleeping as content as could be! I checked her pants and she was absolutely clean. I looked over at the table, and somehow a hole had formed in the side of Cameron's candle, and wax spilled on the table. As I moved the candle, and lifted it off the wax, this is what I found:

It looks like a little angel!!! I couldn't believe it! I stuck my finger in it to try and pick it up, because I'm going to save it, but it wasn't dry yet and I burnt my finger, lol. It may be just a fluke, but c'mon! How in the world does something like that just happen!?

I know it was a sign from my little boy!!

October 15th

2009-10-15T15:18:00.003-04:00

Tonight, here in this little city in Michigan, history will be made. It might be small, but it's just a start!

For the first time EVER, there will be a candlelight vigil held at the Fire Department. Thanks to myself and some dear friends of mine, we were able to set this up! I'm wanting this day to get more recognition than it's been getting. We deserve this one day to remember our babies. We get the entire month dedicated to boobs, and I'm ready to see that we get the attention we deserve too!!!

I see pink ribbons up everywhere for Breast Cancer Awareness. But, where are the pink and blue ribbons for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness!? I'm determined to make a difference, and I'll go to my grave trying! I will not stand for this to be a "taboo" topic any longer! It's real life. It happens. It deserves just as much attention(if not more) as our ta-ta's!

I will be lighting candles for Allie Grace, Gregory, Jenna, Ada, Lily and all of the other babies of my dear friends in blog land.

We're not expecting a huge turnout, as we just got word today. I've been spreading the news as best I can on Facebook and Myspace, so hopefully we'll get some people on over. Next year we'll be more ready and can hopefully get a decent crowd!

So...

2009-10-13T17:45:00.005-04:00

We had the walk on the 3rd and it went great! Unfortunately we were 40min late, so we missed the memorial and the speaker. However, we did get there in time to release Cameron's balloons and go on the walk.

It was a rainy, cloud day, but when we all went down to the water to release the balloons, the clouds parted and the sun came through. It was amazing and beautiful!

I do have to share a picture with you guys! Every night while I'm rocking Allie to sleep, she does this - she'll grab a hold of Cameron's necklace and hold on tight to it before she falls fast asleep. :)

And here are some pictures from the walk:

Aiden with his balloon to Cameron

Checking out the water before Cameron's name was called

There goes Cam's balloons!

Hanging out with dad by the bridge

There were so many more people this year :(

The covered bridge we go through on the walk

On our way back from the walk

Family of Five

2009-09-24T09:14:00.003-04:00

Wow...what a funk I've been in! I'm sure it's a combination of crazy hormones getting back on track, trying to adjust to the new emotions of actually having a new baby in our lives, and the sadness I still feel from being w/out Cameron.

However, something made me sooo happy the other day!

Aiden had come home from school, and I took out all of his stuff from his backpack. They had made a little journal about themselves, containing pictures they had drawn in accordance with the sentence at the bottom of the page. One page said, "I have____eyes". Aiden filled in the word "green", and then drew an eye and colored it green. You get the point...

One page said, "There are ____people in my family!". He filled it in the the number "5", and had drawn a picture of two big people and 3 little people. I just looked at him and smiled and he goes, "See, I remember! I'm a good big brother!" I just grabbed him and kissed him and told him he was the best big brother in the entire world. He looked and me and said a simple, "Thanks!", and then took off outside. LOL

Just the little things like that, that let me know that people haven't forgotten him, make me so incredibly happy!

Ugh.

2009-09-20T19:42:00.004-04:00

You know, I often question when things will finally start to get better. I had this false sense of hope that in a year's time, things would magically be so much easier. I've only found recently that that's not the case.

The heartache is still very much alive in me. Even as I sit here and stare at Allie, the pain is there.

I don't know if it's just the realization that I will never feel complete - ever - until the day I'm able to hold Cameron in my arms again. If it's the just raw, emotional pain of knowing that my baby boy is gone. It's probably a lot of both. It's very surreal - even still.

Sometimes, when I'm driving in my car, I remember everything that has actually happened to us, and I'll close my eyes and shake my head. Almost as if I'm trying to shake away this horrible memory. I still cannot believe it happened to us. Then, reality hits me, and I have this immense feeling of pain go through me. Not physical pain, but a pain that cuts so deep into your heart, that it takes your breath away.

I stare at his little footprints on the little crystal that is hanging from my review mirror. Honestly, looking at those tiny feet and those precious toes, is the only thing that can make everything all better for me in that moment. I don't know why, but it makes me smile. I think because I know that's what he would want, and I know that he's right here with me.

You know what else is so incredibly hard? I pulled out the pregnancy tests that I have in his box from when i first found out I was pregnant with him. I can't describe what goes through my head when i look at them. I stare at those two pink lines - the lines that told me I had a precious baby boy growing so happily inside of me. They are one of the few things I have, besides his foot/hand prints, that shows that he really was here with us. God, how I wish I could turn back time. Go back to that day when I first found out I was pregnant. I was sooooo happy! I never dreamed, in a million years, what was to come.

Then I go back to blaming myself. The night before, Chev and I had a birthday party to go to. I took a dollar tree pregnancy test before we left, just to make double sure that I wasn't pregnant, incase I wanted to drink. I took it, and to my disappointment, it looked just as the one the day before did. Blank.
So, we went to the party, and I ended up drinking almost an entire 6 pack of froo-froo girlie drinks. I specifically remember going to the bathroom with my cousin, and when we walked out, I looked at her and said, "Oh shit...Katie. I think I'm pregnant.". Now why I said this, I have no idea. But I stopped drinking for the rest of the night.

The next morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom. For whatever reason, I decided to pull that test out I had taken the night before. I looked at it and had to blink several times. Right there, in front of me, in the spot that looked 100% blank the night before, was a faint pink line. So, of course, I took another one, and sure enough....a light pink line showed up. Why didn't it show up the night before?! I freaked a little, but reminded myself that women sometimes don't even find out they're pregnant until 3 months or so, and in that time, they continue to do things they always did. They end up with healthy pregnancies.

Long story short, I think that's where my guilt comes from. I have to wonder if that one night of selfish enjoyment is what caused my sweet little boy's demise. What if me drinking did something to weaken the amniotic sac - or maybe it was the cause of his umbilical cord covering not being attached to the placenta. The Dr. said that factor wasn't a huge concern, because they see it often, but I still just look at is as another thing that was wrong with the way my body created his little home. The things that were supposed to give him life, support him, and nourish him, were faulty. I blame myself for that. He was perfect. He was healthy. I failed him.

I've just been having a hard time lately...

This crazy, beautiful thing

2009-08-18T12:54:00.003-04:00

When do we get to a point to where we stop beating ourselves up over what happened to our babies? Does it ever go away?

I just can't help but look at Allie - to see how happy she is when I hold her, how content she is - and think that Cameron never got to feel that happiness. I see her smile when I talk to her and coo when Aiden is talking to her. It sends a feeling of immense happiness through me, but at the same time, my mind will go straight to Cameron.

Why did my body fail him? He depended on me to get him here safe and sound and I couldn't do that. Why?? My body didn't fail my other two children, so why did it have to fail him? Why did he get dealt that card?

There's a little song I sang to Allie when I was pregnant with her, and that I now sing to her as she's lying quietly in my arms, drifting off to sleep. The other day, I was singing to her and the tears just started flowing. I looked down at her and her little head was drenched with my tears. Part of it was out of sheer joy. I couldn't begin to explain the feelings that go through me when I look at her - when it's just Allie and mommy time at night, before she falls asleep.
The other part is just pure sadness. This lullaby will always be hers and only hers, but I think of Cameron too when I sing to her.

What if I still cry 4yrs down the road when I'm singing her to sleep at night. Is she going to understand why mommy is crying during HER song? Aiden understands all too well, but he was here through all of it. I've never cried so much in my entire life as I have this past year, and he's been there for every second of it.

In a way, it's almost as if Cameron and Allie are intertwined. Does that make sense? I suppose it just boils down to the fact that she wouldn't be here had he not passed away. Everything she will ever do, I will always stop and think of that. She would not be doing any of it, had her big brother survived. How does one process that?!
Even with those thoughts in the back of my mind, I will never let them overshadow my happiness for her, and the excitement of her milestones in life.

It's a crazy, beautiful thing to have a baby after the loss of another. It's something that no one will EVER understand unless they have gone through the process themselves.

I don't know if any of you have ever heard of Kari Jobe, but her song, "My Beloved" is the one I sing to Allie. It's absolutely beautiful!

You're My Beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with Me My love

You're Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me

Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you
My child

You're Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me

I sing over you My song of peace
Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me

I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I'll take you to My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole

You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

Amazing!

2009-08-08T13:37:00.009-04:00

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I need to!

I HAVE THEE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE!

They have been there for me so much this past year, and I couldn't thank them enough! Not only was Cameron's memorial absolutely beautiful here with us, but we had people from all over the United States, and even half way across the world who thought of Cameron on his birthday. Cameron had balloons released for him in Texas, Florida, Alabama, Michigan, Arizona, North Carolina, Ohio, Rhode Island, Iowa, and in Germany, New Zealand and Brazil!

One of the girls from my board (that I've been with since gosh....I want to say January of 2008) collected all of the pictures from everyone who had sent up balloons and made me an amazingly beautiful scrapbook for Cameron's first birthday! I cried my eyes out when I opened the package and saw that little blue book with tiny baby feet with a little feather behind them, and his name on the front. It was just amazing!!

It means more to me than any of those girls will EVER know. Mostly because I never thought I would have a scrapbook for Cameron. We obviously have them for our children that are here, but how can we make one for the one's who aren't? After receiving that book, I realized that just because Cameron isn't here, doesn't mean I can't put together something like that. I have pictures from my pregnancy, from the hospital, from his memorial, from The Walk To Remember, pictures of all of his stuff. I can make one and continue to add to it for as long as I live!

Here are some picture from Cam's Birthday here and from the scrapbook the girls made me! Just click on them to make them bigger if need be!

Aiden making cupcakes for Cameron

He did such a good job!

Releasing the butterflies and balloons. If you look close, you can see the butterfly that landed on my hand. The picture below this was when 2 of them landed on my hand about 30 seconds later. :)

My mom and I having a moment

The scrapbook that Tiffany made me!

Beautiful

2009-08-03T07:53:00.002-04:00

Dear Cameron,

I know I'm a few days late on this, but in all honesty, I couldn't put into words what I was feeling on your birthday. My heart hurt and my mind was thoughtless.

I love you and miss you more than words could possibly say. Where did this time go, and why is it that you've been gone so long already? It feels like it was just months ago that you passed, and that our world fell apart. But it's a year later, and for some reason I can't grasp that. I think about you everyday, and not a single week goes by that I don't shed a tear over you, my sweet angel.

You got your little sister here safe and sound and, for that, I will never be able to thank you enough. I look at her and wonder what parts of you she has. What features she possesses that you would have too. I watch her look around in amazement and smile, and I wonder if she knows. If she knows how special she is, and what an important role she plays in our lives. All because of you, love. Without your passing, she wouldn't be here. You gave the ultimate sacrifice darling. You're more amazing than you'll ever know.

I saw the letter that daddy wrote you and it tore me apart. He loves you so much baby! We all do! I know he doesn't express things the way I do, but I know you can see inside his heart, and you can see and feel the love he has for you. He misses you just as I do.

Then there's Aiden. He talks about you all the time. Never failing to let people know that he's got a little brother in Heaven. He always asking about you. Asking questions that I may never know the answer to. It's hard, but I do the best I can.

Your birthday was beautiful! The butterflies and balloons were amazing, and I'm so glad that your little sister was able to share it all with us. She doesn't know yet, but one day she will be able to look at those pictures and realize how beautiful the day was and how special it was to have her there. We were all one big family that day! Even though you couldn't be there with us, I felt you all around. In that moment, for the first time in a year, I felt as if our family was complete. With the balloons flying high and the butterflies fluttering all around us, I felt as if we were in a whole different world. I felt you completely.

So thank you Cameron. Thank you for more than you'll ever know. For everything you've shown me and given us this past year. For making me realize things I never would have otherwise. For showing me the true beauty in life - even when, at times, everything seems so dark and ugly. You're the most amazing baby boy! Please continue to watch over us, and keep us safe.

Until we meet again sweet pea...

We love you!!

Tomorrow...

2009-07-30T21:26:00.004-04:00

To explain how I'm feeling right now isn't easy. And that's putting it lightly.

I literally couldn't explain the emotions that are going through me at this very second. Not even if you gave me the entire day to do so.

First off, little Allie was born on Tuesday! Birth story and pictures will be posted shortly on her blog!

I'm excited to have her here, but it's hard to feel the full extent of that happiness when I know what is coming tomorrow. The anxiety is killing me. The sadness is heart-wrenching. What do I do?

My mom got us this beautiful stone for Cameron's garden, and brought it over today. I started crying and just kissing Allie over and over.
It's absolutely beautiful! I love it! But, just that fact that we need it breaks my heart. I just can't believe it's going to be 1 year tomorrow since we lost him.

I ordered some butterflies for tomorrow and they arrived today. An amazing place called butterflies and prayers donated them to us! So, we'll be releasing the butterflies while other family members release balloons. It's going to be so beautiful to see all of it, but it's not exactly excitement that runs through me when I think of the coming of tomorrow.

Insensitive!

2009-07-23T07:16:00.002-04:00

The other day, I had gone to see Chev at work for his lunch break as usual. We were all sitting there, and we started talking about the baby. Well, one of his coworkers asked, "So it could be any day now, huh?", to which I replied, "Hopefully!".

Then we started talking about how Aiden was 3wks early and all of that. He said, "Wow...well, with this being your second...". I cut him off and held up 3 fingers - even though he knows ALL TOO WELL that this is our 3rd. So he says, "Well, you know what I mean. Your 3rd that might be born alive.". Um, excuse me! MIGHT?! I looked at him and said, "She's going to be born alive!!", and do you know what he said back to me?????

"You just never know what could happen..."

Who. In. The. Hell. says that to a pregnant woman?! LET ALONE a pregnant woman who just lost her baby boy a year prior?! Why would he have even thrown that in there?!?!?!?!?!?
I couldn't even say anything to him! Another one of the guys that was there looked at him and said something. I just turned my head. I haven't gone in to see Chev for lunch since then, and I don't plan on it unless he's not there, or until I get an apology!

The real kicker is, is that this is the same guy who, along with his wife, lost their baby boy 8yrs ago to pPROM - same way we lost Cameron. Now, one would think that if you've gone through this yourself, you know what to say and what not to say in those circumstances. Like I said though, that should be common sense not to say that shit to a pregnant woman!

So, of course, I left there seeing shades of red. I calmed down, but only to have things going through my head every moment of the day since then. "Why isn't she moving?", "Am I really going to bring her home?", "What if he's right, and it was just a warning to me in some way?".
I know deep down that Allie is coming home with us, but damn! Like I'm not scared enough as it is! Every day that passes that she isn't here, is just another day for something to happen in my eyes. I hadn't used my doppler in God knows how long. Since he made that comment, it's been out 4-5 times a day.
It shouldn't be like that, and I hate that it is! I hate worrying every day.

And this asshole just made it worse for me.

It's coming fast!

2009-07-22T10:45:00.003-04:00

I feel like July has flown by!! I also feel like I've been trying to ignore that the 31st is coming up. I've been keeping myself as busy as possible, pretending that if I do so, that time will just stand still.

Wouldn't that be lovely.

I don't think we're going to make a HUGE deal out of the day. Just have myself, Chev, Aiden, my parents and his parents out to the memorial site to release some balloons, and to eat the cupcakes that Aiden is going to make. We'll have one with a candle in it for Cameron, that we will blow out as a family. Initially we were going to invite friends and everyone, but the thougth was causing me so much anxiety. I just want it to be special and personal. I know everyone will be thinking of Cameron and us that day, and that's all we really need. It'll be special no matter what!

I'm just getting more and more nervous as the days pass, and Allie's not here yet. I would love for her to come before the 31st, and to have her there at the memorial site. I really don't want to be in the hospital. Even if that does happen, I know we'll find a way to make it special, but I really wanted to do it at the memorial site - the place where we honored him and his little life - not in the hospital.... the place where he passed away.

I've had some mini-breakdowns in the past couple of weeks, but that's to be expected. It's just a mixture of everything that's going on right now.

It's amazing what strangers can do for a wounded heart.

2009-07-10T15:41:00.002-04:00

So today, so far, hasn't been as bad as I was expecting. The thoughts are in my head, but it's not a day that I want to crawl in a hole like I thought I would have.

Today is the day that our nightmare began a year ago. Tonight, around 8:30, will mark the time that my water broke too early last year. I've been trying to keep myself busy, and so far so good. It helps too that Allie is beating the crap out of me today! :)

We got home just a bit ago, and I went out to get the mail. I noticed a small yellow package in our box. I wasn't sure what to expect, because from my memory (which isn't so good these days), I hadn't remember ordering anything. Well, I pulled it from our mail box, and this is who it was addressed to - "Cameron's Mommy".

I started bawling right there on my front porch! My heart was beating a million times a minute it seemed. I searched it frantically to give me any indication of what was inside. Still confused, I went inside, sat down and nervously stared at it. Just stared. All I could see through my tears were the words "Cameron's Mommy" - those words touched me so deeply. That's right - I am Cameron's mommy!

I stuck my finger into the side of it, still racking my brain with what it could be. Finally I just ripped it open, and saw a card, and something wrapped in tissue. I read the card, which stated, "I hope you can find a special spot for Cameron's angel wings." Just below that, it read, "Fly, fly little wing, fly where only Angels sing...". Then, it was signed with love.

It hit me then that they were the pair of little angel wings that I had emailed a wonderful woman about a couple weeks back. She makes these cute little wings with a name tag and "birth date" attached.

It always seems as if something like that happens on the days I need it most. It's so strange how it happens, but I have no doubt in my mind that it's Cameron's way of showing me that he's here for me. I remember shortly after losing him, I was having a horrible day, and how that random preacher showed up at my door. All he wanted to do was talk to me and at the end he said a prayer for us and for Cameron. I remember my necklace showing up just a day before his memorial - a day that I was a complete wreck on. I remember butterflies flying by when I was alone and thinking of Cameron. I remember getting gifts, pictures, and people randomly popping up online to say simple things, on days that I wasn't doing so good on.

I wish there was a way I could thank my little man for all he's done for me. He definitely takes care of me in amazing ways! It's just odd when you think of it - I should be taking care of him.

It's all coming back

2009-07-07T22:12:00.003-04:00

Everything is all too familiar right now. The weather, the smell of the air, the way the breeze blows - it's all just one big rush of emotion for me. It's crazy that I can close my eyes and imagine exactly how things were last July

Even the smell of our house. It brings every little thing back so clearly. Every now and then, the smell of the hospital room will hit me. The feeling of lying in that bed, knowing Cameron was gone, while I stared out the window. I remember looking out at the city and watching everyone go about their business. How lucky they were I thought. It angered me at the same time - to know that those people were going about their daily lives, while I was in this room, with my son, who had already gone to be with the Lord, lay silently inside of me.

Everything is just super crazy. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me. I miss him so much. I think of how different our life would be today, had he survived.
It's funny how I'm going back to the same ways of calming myself as I did last year. You think you get past that, but then it comes back. You have to remember how you got through those first few weeks of hell, and remind yourself that you can do this.

Remembering to "just breath" has been my saving grace for the past year...

Happy 4th ...

2009-07-04T07:15:00.003-04:00

It's crazy to think about this time last year. I was at a friends lake house, enjoying myself with my husband and son, and thinking about our little one we would have in 4 months. I remember turning down drinks, and being leary of eating the hot dogs (lol...paranoia much?). I remember laying out on the deck in my jean skirt and bikini top, staring lovingly at my tiny baby bump. I sat there with such excitement inside of me, knowing that in just a few short weeks, we would find out if we were having a precious baby boy or girl.

I think how crazy it is that I had no idea that in just 6 days, our world would get turned upside down. Isn't it weird when you think about that? What would I have done differently had I known that it was going to happen? How would this time last year be different than it actually was. Fate is a strange thing. A confusing thing. It's wild.

Now, here I sit again, on another 4th of July. Very pregnant, but with different feelings inside of me. Where little Allie is - that was our Cameron's home just a year ago. He was the one flipping around inside of me (although, it didn't hurt as bad then as it does right now with little miss Allie :) ), growing stronger by the day. I remember how happy I was! Then, he was gone 4wks later...

Now it's her. This little girl that I love just as much as both of my other children. This little miracle who has shown me that life continues, and that it's still beautiful.
Then I ask myself: Will she ever know what she's truly done for us? She's put patches on the most broken of hearts. Will they ever be completely healed? No. But, she's not even here yet, and she has made it possible for her mother and father to smile again, and for me to finally breathe with ease.

...Cameron sat inside of me last year. He heard the loud boom of those fireworks. This year, he gets the best seat in the house. While in my mind, that spot is in my lap, I know in my heart that he couldn't be in a more beautiful place.

Happy 4th of July sweet pea ... I will be thinking of you as the beautiful lights fill the sky.

I'm scared.

2009-07-02T20:36:00.002-04:00

...well that's actually an understatement. I'm terrified to be honest. Terrified of what emotions this month will bring, and how I will handle them. I've already broken down twice in the past week, and we still have 8 more days until we hit the day that our nightmare started, one year ago. We've got 29 days until Cameron's angelversary.

It's just so hard to believe that it's almost been a year! Where did the time go?! One year without him. One year since his little heart stopped. One year that he went to be with our Lord.

I can sit here and imagine his day. All of us sitting around, celebrating his short life. Smiling, while we eat his birthday cake, and as we release those balloons for him. But what if it's not like that? What if I'm a mess? What if I can't smile at all that day? I want to - God do I want to - but, how will I feel if that's not how things go?

I'm not sure if I'm more nervous about the days leading up to the 31st or about the day itself. I've always heard that the days leading up are the hardest. How can that be? I wonder if it's anxiety. I have OB's every week this month. One being on the 8th and another on the 31st. I was going to tell them to change it, but my OB is booked like crazy, so I didn't bother. Plus, maybe it will help me some. To go in and to hear Allie's heartbeat. To be reminded of this beautiful gift that our little boy has given us, and to be reminded that life really can continue to be beautiful - even after something so tragic happens.

I've been on edge lately too, which I hate! I feel like Aiden and I do nothing but argue! I'm getting into yelling matches with a 4 year old for crying out loud! I feel awful, but between the pregnancy, it being July, and Aiden acting up like a typical 4yr old, it's just a lot to deal with right now.

Better Days

2009-06-11T17:22:00.002-04:00

I can honestly say that in the days following the shower, I've been feeling a bit better. Almost like I'm slowly, but surely inching back to the "old" me. Then again, I don't know if I'll ever be that person again, because as I've said before, I'm forever changed. So, I suppose it's more of an altered version of the old me.

I feel like I can genuinely smile again, and laugh the way I used to. God knows I thought it would never happen, and even now - almost a year later - I'm still not 100% there. But, will any of us who have lost our babies, ever be 100% again? What exactly is 100% anyway? The more I think about it, the more I'm not so sure that any of us will ever reach that point. Beacuse, I'm sure 10yrs from now, there are still going to be points where I will cry for my sweet baby boy. Just as I do now, and just as I did on the day his tiny heart stopped beating. That doesn't mean I'm forever broken, or that my life will always be clouded by sadness - it's just me missing Cameron and forever wondering what could have been.

I don't think those feelings and thoughts will ever go away, but that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy life once again. Besides, I know my darling wouldn't want me to live any other way.

2009-06-01T19:20:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a little bittersweet for me. It was my baby shower and also Cam's 10 month mark. I randomly broke down while on my way to get some stuff done before the shower. And when I say random, I MEAN random!! I've broken down out of nowhere before, but they were slow gradual tears. This time I was full out bawling in .2 seconds - literally, out of nowhere, when I had just been rocking out to my favorite song, 2 seconds prior.

I'm not even sure what brought it on or why exactly it happened. It was over almost as fast as it had come. Then, I was fine again. I'm going to go ahead and blame most of it on the pregnancy horomones I suppose.

I thought about Cameron a lot through out the day, and even at my shower. There were so many times I was opening gifts, holding them up, while everyone let out their "Aww's" and "How cute!", that I thought of how Cameron never got that. We never got to have a shower for him. It was just a weird feeling.

But, I had no doubt in my mind that he was smiling over us, happy as can be that his little sister was being shown just as much love as he is!

Just thinking about something

2009-05-25T10:24:00.002-04:00

You know, I was thinking the other day, and I actually said something to my girlfriend about this.

...I'm tired of feeling so sad when I write - whether it be on here or in Cameron's journal. I don't want to feel empty anymore. I don't want to have the heartache. I only want to smile when I think of Cam. I want to be happy, and celebrate the short life that he had. Otherwise, I feel as if I'm not honoring him in the way he deserves. I know when I die, I want people to only laugh and be happy when they think of me. Of course, without a doubt, there will be tears - it's inevitable. But, overall, I want people to be happy for me! Happy that I'm free of this Earth - this ever increasingly horrible world of ours. That I'm in no pain, I'm perfect, and I'm happy.

Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of times where I just think of my little man and I smile my heart out! I think of how perfect he must be and how happy and carefree his little world is. I couldn't want anything more for him! It's just...I don't know...I suppose the sadness comes from one simple fact: I miss him.
I'm not all depressed, and I don't hate the world. I'm not some miserably sad person, who can't function from day to day (although at one point in time, I did feel like it). I just hate how one day I can feel at peace with everything, and I can breathe, only to have a horrible pain tugging at my heart the very next.

I just miss my son. Nothing more, nothing less.

Somber moments...

2009-05-21T22:49:00.004-04:00

My gf's sons' angelversary is coming up on Wednesday. I've talked about her on here before, if you all remember. Her name is Heather, and she lost her baby boy, unexpectedly, last May at 37wks. I'm so sad for her, but at the same time, I'm scared for myself. I'm there for her right now in any way she needs me to be, but I think part of me is doing it to comfort myself. Because I know, in 2 months, I'm going to be there myself. 1yr. ....geez.

I see how "dead" she looks inside, and I don't want that to be me, but how do you control something like that? It just started with her a couple of weeks ago, and I've been thinking about her, talking with her and praying for her in the past weeks. I don't want to have that look in my eyes ever again. I remember how vacant I looked after Cameron passed - I had no real "life" inside of me. I would look in the mirror and just stare into my own eyes - trying to see even the smallest hint of the old me, but it was no use. I was gone...

Today, almost 10 months later, I can say that I don't have that problem. Yes, I still have those days where I feel absolutey crushed inside, but it passes, and it's not nearly as bad as it was last Summer. I still wonder sometimes how I got through it - how any of us get through it! I think about him so much, and I just miss him terribly. I looked at pictures from his memorial and remember things so vividly...even the smell of the air that day. I can walk out, into our mudroom, and when that little air freshener goes off, I just smell it and it reminds me of everything. I love remembering all of these little things, but at the same time, I wish I didn't have to. Does that make sense? I wish, instead, I was remembering the minute Cameron was born, crying, and heavy in my arms. I wish I was remember his first smile or his first little "coo". But I'll never remember those things, because I'll never get to experience them in my life here on Earth.

I just wish for a moment that I could be in another time...another place...with him. Even if it were just for 10 seconds. Just so I could touch him, hold him, and kiss him. I just truly hate being this long without him, only to know that as the years pass, it's not going to feel any better. One day, I'm going to be without him for 10yrs, 20yrs, 50yrs!! My goodness...

But...as much as it hurts to think about that, I have to remember that each year that passes, is just another year closer to me being able to see and hold my sweet baby boy. God willing, it will be awhile, but the wait will be so worth it.

Oh and I did start a separate blog for Allie. I just found it too hard to come on here and post all over Cameron's blog, you know? So, here ya go if you're interested!
http://alightshinesthroughonus.blogspot.com/ (I need a little help removing the template, so if anyone knows how, please let me know!)

so-so day

2009-05-11T07:44:00.003-04:00

Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, although it wasn't exactly easy either.

The entire day yesterday, all I could think about was Cameron when someone would tell me, "Happy Mother's Day!". Of course I thought about Aiden and Allie too, but I wanted to tell people, "Thank you! I'm the mother of 3 wonderful little people!". Everyone knows Aiden, and obviously, you can tell by looking at me that I'm pregnant, so those are the only ones people asked about. :(

Before we left, I went to the store to get a card for my mom "from" Aiden, Cameron, and Allie (she thought it was super sweet), and the minute I walked in the store, I heard the song, "To Where You Are" playing. That was the main song at Cameron's service. It took my breath away, because up until that point, I hadn't heard that song since his day, last August 24th. I found myself mouthing the words and smiling to myself the entire time I was in the store.

We went to my Grandma's house for a cookout, and it went well. I started crying on the way over there - although I hid it from everyone in the car. I just kept thinking about holding Cameron in my arms and just sighing and saying, "Oh sweety....". It just kept replaying in my head, and I couldn't stop the tears. By time we got there, I was fine for the most part and had a really good time.

But then at one point a bunch of us were sitting there, and my cousin asked Aiden what if he wanted a brother or sister. Aiden said, "I'm having a sister!". She then said, "Do you want a brother?". I felt that all-too-familiar sting with that question. Aiden didn't say anything, and then she said, "You need a brother, huh?". I wanted SO bad for him to say, "I already have a brother.", but he's four, and while he knows he has a brother if you ask him specifically, the thought doesn't enter his mind when he's approached like that. I wanted to say, "You have a brother, don't you sweetie?", but I couldn't. I knew if I did, I would lose it infront of everyone. I did anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. I just looked at her, gave her a crooked ass smile and then just started crying. Her mouth dropped and she said, "Oh my God...I'm sorry!". Her, her boyfriend and my aunt were the only ones who saw, because I quickly turned my head and buried it in Chev's shirt.

Part of me felt like I was being overly sensitive, but I don't think that was it at all. First off, when it comes to losing your child, I don't think you can ever be overly sensitive. Second, I think it had a lot to do with things just building throughout the day - that was just sort of the icing on the cake for me.

It wasn't a horrible day by ANY means, and I did enjoy myself, but I was just so emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. I thought about every one of my friends on here yesterday - especially those of you who have lost your first child. Each one of you would pop into my head and seperate times, and I just prayed that the day wasn't too hard on any of you. I prayed it wouldn't be too hard on any of us...

9 months

2009-05-02T06:20:00.003-04:00

I miss Cameron so much right now. I miss him always, but at this exact moment, I'm missing him a little more than usual.

It's been 9 months - 9 long, whole months since our little boy was taken from us. Once again, I just can't believe he's been gone that long. I even remember a point, after we first lost him, that I thought 9 months would never come - like we would always be stuck in time. Sometimes there are moments when I wish we were. Sometimes I wish we could go back to those days before he passed away. Physically, he was the closest to me as he'd ever been. I still had him with me. But...I can't stop time. It's hurts. It hurts like hell to know that I have been that long without my son. That I've been 9 months without him in my arms. 9 months since I've kissed him. No mother should have to go that long w/out her child. But, unfortunately, I still have much longer to go. It kills me.

There are still days where I have to remind myself that this really happened to us - almost like I forget that our son died. I don't know if it's some sort of defense mechanism we have built into us or what, but it's frustrating. It makes me feel like my memory is slipping away. I would never let that happen, of course, and even so I doubt it's even possible to do!

It's early and my mind is being consumed with a million thoughts at the moment. I think I'll head back to bed and try to get a bit more sleep...

Just quit already...

2009-04-29T09:48:00.005-04:00

I am so tired of people saying, "There was probably something wrong." or "These things happen for a reason. Something could have been wrong with him."

WHAT EXACTLY IS THEIR POINT?!

I went back and forth with this guy, yesterday at work, and that's what he kept saying. Even after I told him that Cameron looked completely healthy and normal, and that all u/s and blood tests we had up until we lost him, showed there was nothing to be worried about. I tried explaining to him that my water breaking, was just one of those things that randomly happens - there is usually never a reason for it. It just happens sometimes.

His response to that was, "Well, you know.... sometimes babies seem normal and OK, and then when they're a year old, something is found to be wrong with them - even after the tests they do on them at birth." I looked at him and said, "I loved my son, and even if he did have something wrong with him, it wouldn't have changed my outlook on what happened!".
It made me feel for those of my other dbm's that had something wrong with their little one. That was the first time someone has seriously argued with me about something like that.

I wanted to tell him that I know of women who's babies were diagnosed with diseases that weren't compatible with life - I wanted to ask him if he would have said something like that to them. I wanted to look at him and ask him if his love for his children would have been diminished had one of them been born with downs. Or if one of his children were to have died from a terminal illness, would that have made it "easier" for him. Because, to me, that's what he was implying!

My son was perfect and beautiful when he was born - just too small. But, even if he had been born with one leg or missing half of something - it wouldn't have changed the amount of love I have for him, nor would it have made it any easier to lose him.

...guess it just goes back to ignorance, and people trying to make it seem like they are making things "easier" for us. I wish they would just stop!!!

Eh, whatever

2009-04-19T16:24:00.002-04:00

You ladies are right! And honestly, I'm very much over it and not letting some random person, who has nothing better to do than mess with grieving mothers, get to me. It was just that it was the first thing I read when I got up this morning for work, and it didn't sit well with me at all.

In comparison to some other comments I have read from posters such as this one, on other people's blogs, it really is JUST WHATEVER. But, to be safe, and to make sure no one can do it again, I have set my blog to where only registered users can post.

What really gets me is how sad it is that we even have to worry about stuff like this!

Dear annonymous poster

2009-04-19T05:57:00.002-04:00

I deleted those posts, and will not be repeating what was said on them.

BUT, I will say one thing to you:

MY daughter will never be second best to anyone, and MY children don't compete with each other in this family. I'm sorry if, in your pathetic, warped world, you have "places" for your children (assuming you even have any!). MY children - all 3 of them - are always, and will forever be #1 to me. This is Cameron's blog - a blog I made for HIM. If I decide to never write about my other children, then so be it, but I DO!!! ON HIS BLOG! BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL ON MY MIND AND IN MY HEART 24/7. I do not need to make an entire post about Allie. I do not need a damn blog to let my children know how much I love them. I'm sorry if that's how it works in YOUR head.

I don't accept your apology. I do not care. Go away, and take your "frustrations" out on a damn pillow, NOT MY blog. - Oh, and next time, leave your name, coward.

The Perfect Family?

2009-04-17T22:48:00.002-04:00

I'm so tired of hearing this comment lately!

"Oh, now you'll have the perfect little family!"

"I bet you're thrilled to have a girl! Now you have one of each!"

My mother in law actually said this to me the other week, and I got the most disgusted look on my face. I want my two boys and my girl!! Why can't people understand that?! I feel like my family has been cheated, and that my life was thrown completely off track when we lost Cameron. I always knew I would have two boys - I just never knew that one of them would be watching over us, instead of here in our arms. I just don't get it, and half the time I don't even know what the hell I'm thinking about all of this!
I want to scream at people! My family will never be perfect!!!! My perfect family would be myself, Chev, Aiden, Cameron and Allie. Why can't people understand that??

Yes, I am thrilled to be having Allie! She's my daughter...my little girl! I love her just as much as I love the boys!! BUT, that doesn't take away the pain of losing Cameron, nor does it fill the empty little spot in my heart. No one gets that.

Had a little scare!

2009-04-14T16:32:00.002-04:00

I've been having these weird cramps in my lower back for some time now. I felt fine otherwise and just chalked it up to be loosened ligaments or something back there. Well last night, it was a bit different. I had the same thing, but it hurt worse this time and I had pain shooting around to the front of my belly. I laid down and drank a glass of water, hoping that would help. It didn't.
I called my gf and she told me she was going to drive me to the hospital. I honestly thought she was overreacting, but I called the after hours nurse anyway. She told me that since the pain had been going on for more than an hour, they wanted to see me.

So, I told her we would be right in. I waited for Chev to get out of work, and had my gf sit with Aiden for the night. We get there and entered in through the ER. I told them what was going on, and the triage nurse almost flipped. She said in a panicked tone, "Oh! We need to get you upstairs!!!" She picked up the phone, and someone was down there with a wheelchair within 15 seconds. - The nurse in L&D laughed about this later on. She said the pregnant women freak the ER out! The minute one comes in, they send her up to L&D as fast as possible. Like God forbid they would ever have to deliver a baby or something, lol.

I was taken up to L&D where they got me hooked up and listened to Allie hb. Everything sounded good, but the machine was picking up some small contractions. They had me down the liquids and lay in bed to see what happened. In the mean time, they took a urine sample to the lab to check that for any sort of infection, and the Dr. came in to check me. It was the same Dr. who had delivered Cameron.
Everything checked out fine, and after laying there and drinking all of the water, my uterus calmed down! So it looked as if my uterus was just irritated from me being dehydrated.

I will say that my anxiety flared up big time though. That was the first time I had been up to L&D since having Cameron. The smell of the bathroom, the smell of the gown, the bed, the monitors...everything. Nothing has EVER brought me back to that time like last night did. As I was standing in the bathroom putting that gown on, it was like I was thrown straight back to July 31, 2008. It was crazy hard, I'll tell you that. :(

But, all in all, myself and Allie seem to be doing just fine! The Dr. ordered me an ultrasound on Friday, just to be on the safe side. He said he has no reason to suspect that anything was wrong, but he just wants to double check. I think he was doing it more for me than anything.

One year ago

2009-04-13T08:56:00.003-04:00

One year ago today, I officially found out I was pregnant with our precious little Cameron. Technically I got my BFP yesterday last year, but I didn't realize it!

Chev and I were going to a friend's birthday party on the 12th, and I took a test just to be safe. I didn't know if I would drink or not, but I wanted to have a clear conscience if I happened to. I took one and it was negative. I put it in the trash and we left. I did end up drinking that night, but not excessively by ANY means. I woke up the next morning and just randomly decided to pull that test out of the trash. I looked at it and had to blink twice! There was a faint pink line!! I was thinking there was no way possible - that it had to be a bad test! SO, I went ahead and took another one. It was probably the faintest line I had ever gotten on a test, but it was there. Chev couldn't see it, neither could half my friends, but myself and my friend who deals with fertility and what not for a living, saw it too!

I clearly remember Chev saying to me, "You guys are probably only seeing a line because you want to see a line." I was hurt. I looked at him and said, "So does that mean you don't see one because you don't want to?!". He immediately took back his words and apologized.

Of course I took another test the next day and it was dark enough for him to see it. We were elated! Little did we know that, that little line meant our lives would be changing forever - and not in the way we had wanted it to.

We were so happy, lively, and care-free then - naive if you will. I want that back, I really do. But, I know it will never happen. Of course we're happy people still, and I'm slowly getting back to that care-free person I used to be, but I don't think the naive part of me will ever be back. I now truly know how your life can be turned upside down in the blink of an eye.

Am I happy about that? I don't know. I think there's a part in all of us that likes being naive - that likes not knowing about the truly horrible things in life. Of course we KNOW about them, but we seldom think any of it would ever happen to us.

Then it does and our lives are changed forever.

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T23:58:00.002-04:00

Well today didn't go nearly as bad as I thought it would. I had some moments where it just hurt so incredibly bad, but really...I just reminded myself of the reason for today. Today is the reason that I will be able to see Cameron again one day, and I cannot let myself forget that. Nor can I let my sadness cloud such a beautiful day.
We made Cam an Easter egg to set next to his stuff, and Aiden picked him a flower from our backyard this morning. I had it draped over his picture.

We then took Aiden over to my grandmother's house for food and an Easter egg hunt. I laughed and smiled as Aiden ran around the yard, collecting his eggs. He was so proud of himself, and honestly, a feeling of immense gratitude came over me. I am so proud to have him and so grateful he's here with us.

As everyone rubbed my belly, I couldn't help but thing that Cameron should have been there with us. Instead of rubbing my belly, we should have been concerning ourselves with bottles and people fussing to hold him. But, I know he was very much with us today, and I know that today was an amazing day to remember Jesus and our little man.

Happy Easter sweet pea!

His first Easter

2009-04-11T13:37:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow would have been Cam's first Easter. He would be here with us, watching us as we happily paint the colorful eggs with Aiden. He would be getting his first little Easter basket tomorrow...filled with all kinds of little goodies for his little eyes to examine and his little hands to touch and play with.

God, this breaks my heart.

I should be looking at little onesies that say "My First Easter" on them...just like I did for Aiden.

God please let me get through these next two days as peacefully as possible...

They never leave us

2009-04-10T11:14:00.003-04:00

My MIL and I were talking a couple weeks ago, and we got on a very interesting topic. We were talking about Cameron, and how we believe that those we lost are still very much around us.

I know they are! While I don't know exactly where it is they go to, I do know they are still "here". I've never had those feelings like I had after Cameron passed. The ones where I'm sitting there and I close my eyes, and I can feel the most peaceful presence around me. At times, I almost felt weightless - it was amazing!
I also believe that we don't feel them at all times. But, they let their presence be known when they know we need them. I felt Cameron and something else around me A LOT in the beginning. I could feel someone else in that house with me, when I was sitting on the couch at night crying. Now whether it was Cameron or it was my grandma with Cameron, I don't know. I just know it brought such a sense of peace into my heart.

It was that same peaceful feeling I got when Cameron was born. I thought I would be a wreck, but as I held him in my arms, I honestly felt as if I had a million people in that room, hugging me at the same time. Something inside me said, "It's going to be OK.". I didn't need anything else at that moment - I had my sweet baby boy in my arms, my husband at my side, and some amazing comfort coming from someone...something...from somewhere I have no idea bout.

However, lately, I don't feel that as much anymore. And that's where I truly believe that they know when we need them. I know they are always around, but they really let their presence be known during our most heartbreaking times. Cameron knows I love him, and that I will always need him, but I also think he knows that I don't depend on those feelings of him constantly being here to get me through the day anymore, you know? I'm just so glad that in the times that I do need it, he's right there.

Aiden was asking about all of that last night. He was wondering how Cameron was here, but he couldn't see him. Goodness! Try explaining that to a 4yr old!

Patiently waiting

2009-04-09T10:22:00.002-04:00

It feels like time is standing still all of a sudden! Those first 15wks flew by me, and now...it's just slowly going along.
I'm more than happy with that, because I do like being pregnant, and it gives me more time to really sit back, relax, and enjoy it all.

Although, there's a huge part of me that just wishes Summer would get here so I could hold Allie and know, 100%, that everything is OK, you know? That's the hardest part about losing a baby...it sot of diminishes the "Happy-Go-Lucky" atmosphere of being pregnant the next time around. Not saying I'm a total basket case by any means, but if we hadn't lost Cameron, I wouldn't sit and worry, and I could go about being my care-free self, like I was when I was pregnant with Aiden.

I guess....it just leaves you a bit jaded. I've said from the very beginning that I would enjoy this, not worry, and love every second of it! I've held that promise to myself for the most part, but there are still those moments when I haven't felt her kick in awhile, that thoughts go through my head. I know it's 100%, completely normal, but it still sucks.

Speaking of kicking - she seems to be a lot more calm than the boys were! Aiden was like a little soccer player in there, crazy as can be! And Cameron...LOL, well he liked to roll and flip more than kick and punch. Allie just seems to be enjoying her time in there. She'll kick every now and then, and I pretty much have her sleep times and awake times down, but for the most part, she's just a chill little girl.

I think I've very deserving of a calm, cool and collected child. Because, let's be honest, Aiden is out of his damn mind! Haha! I love it though! I don't know what I would do without the craziness!

A Baby's Secret

2009-04-03T10:47:00.004-04:00

I found this poem online and thought it was so sweet! It honestly didn't hit me until I read that last sentence. I started crying immediately!

A Baby's Secret

By Andrea Leigh Brigstock

I'm just the little boy
Who didn't quite make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
but I'm waiting for you here.

Don't you fret about me Mommy
I'm of all God's lambs more blessed;
I'd have loved to stay there with you
but the shepherd knows what's best.

Many dwelling here where I live
waited years to enter in
struggled through a world of sorrow
and their lives were marred with sin.

So sweet mommy don't you sorrow
wipe those tears and chase the gloom,
I went straight to Jesus' bosom
from my lovely mother's womb.

Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don't complain;
I have all of Heaven's glory
suffered none of Earthling's pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me
I'd have loved to brought it fame
but if I'd lingered in Earth's shadows
I might instead of brought it shame. (although I know he never could have :) )

Daddy gave me something for you
it's our secret, mommy dear,
pressed it tight against my forehead
whispered in my tiny ear.

I'll be waiting for you mommy-
you and daddy, bub and sis
I'll be with you then forever,
and I'll give you daddy's kiss.

Incomplete?

2009-03-30T10:07:00.005-04:00

Does anyone else ever get the feeling that their family will forever be incomplete?

It seems as though lately, something has been bugging me deep down - like I'll never be satisfied. And now, I think I know why...

I was thinking about our little Allie coming and how exciting, bittersweet and amazing it's going to be. But, even while having these happy thoughts go through my head, I find myself with a bit of sadness always lingering. I honestly think it's because, no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, our family will always feel incomplete without Cameron here. Most people have more babies, make more money, get a bigger house - all of that great stuff. But us......well, for us it's never going to happen.

Again, it comes down to never being able to fix that issue that bothers me so much. I know I have to go the entire rest of my life with this empty spot in my heart. We'll always be missing that one thing - - - Cameron.

Breakdown #......nevermind, I've lost count!

2009-03-26T23:42:00.004-04:00

I hate the randomness of these breakdowns. I don't know what triggered this tonight, but I've been sitting here for the past hour crying my eyes out.
I just keep thinking how unfair it is to lose a child! Why did Cameron have to be singled out? Why doesn't he get to play with his big brother or snuggle with his mommy and daddy?

As I sit here crying, Allie is kicking away inside my belly. I so love that, but it doesn't hide the fact that we should have a 3 month old in the house. I said before that I'm so incredibly thankful for her, but it doesn't make me miss Cam any less.
He's my baby boy, and he's not here. Now, all I have of him are pictures, and imprints of his tiny hands and feet to show his big brother and baby sister.

Honestly, I think what hurts the most is the fact that I can't bring him back. I can't change what happened. I've never experienced something so heartbreaking and permanent - I had never experienced a loss before Cameron! I always thought I was lucky, but somehow that's just not true. Part of me wishes I could have experienced that before. Not that I ever want to lose anyone close to me, but why did it have to by my baby? My little boy that I never got the chance to really know? Who never got the chance to smile at his mommy, or have his daddy blow raspberries on his tummy. Why couldn't it have been someone who was already lucky enough to have experienced those simple pleasures in life. Someone who had lived their life, and enjoyed it. Instead, my first experience with death, had to be my son. How does someone deal with something like this correctly? I guess it just makes me realize how strong the human heart is, and how resilient the soul is....I just wish I didn't have to find that out this way!

I feel partly guilty for sitting here, a mess like this, while our baby girl is happy as can be in my belly. I hope she can't sense the sadness I'm feeling right now. But, at the same time, I have every right to be sad - even when I'm happy at the same time.
My mind is trying to sort through these emotions that I feel on a day-to-day basis, but it's just so hard!

I'll get through this though! And I know that all of my children know I love them with every ounce of my being.

Finally

2009-03-24T22:20:00.004-04:00

I'm 20 weeks today, and I cannot believe how fast the time has gone! I'm half way done!!
It's insane to me! 19 weeks wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but I still thought about it from time to time that day. Over all though, I always get this sense of happiness that goes through me. I know it's Cameron telling me not to worry - that he's making sure everything is going to be OK!

We're finally starting to be able to feel our little girl on the outside now! I tried waking Chev up two mornings ago to feel, but he was so out of it, he didn't know what was going on, lol. I got to feel it with Cameron a lot towards the end, but Chev never did. I try not to think about that, because it makes me sad, but it enters my head everytime this baby moves. But you know, I'm just taking this one day at a time! I'm very blessed and I'm very happy that everything is going so well!

Oh and we finally decided on a name for our little girl (jenjen was high in the running! ...lol Jen).
We've decided on ALLIE BRIELLE! We're still debating on keeping it JUST Allie, or putting Alexandra on her birth certificate, but calling her Allie. I just LOVE Allie, but a few people mentioned that it might not "grow" with her. The majority of people I ask, however, don't see a problem with Allie, and think it's such a pretty name! So we'll see! Either way, she'll be called Allie :)

Aiden, Cameron, and Allie - I love it! :)

Thinking

2009-03-21T21:34:00.002-04:00

So I was sitting here tonight thinking about this new baby girl, and the weirdest feeling came over me. Are we really "moving on" as a family from what happened? I know you don't just move on from losing a child, so I guess we're really just learning to live with it, huh?

Sometimes I think, "Did this really happen? Did we really lose our baby boy?". It just seems like everything happened so quickly, and now there is this new baby coming. I think back to Cameron's u/s pictures when everything was perfect! When he was a happy, healthy little baby, and when I would see his tiny heart beating away. All of that is gone. He's really gone. This really happened to us.

I look at the pictures of our little girl and can't help but think, "You're there now. In a couple of weeks, it will be the time last year that Cameron was there...just starting out with a little heartbeat." I think of how happy and carefree I was then. Of course I'm overjoyed at thought of this baby, but there is still a lot of heartache in knowing that we should have a 3 month old in the house.

....I just feel so helpless and guilty at times. I'm confused too. I know I love my daughter just as much as I love my boys, but she wouldn't be on her way if Cameron would have lived. How do you view something like that? Am I supposed to think, "Well I wouldn't have her if this didn't happen." later on down the road? Are we supposed to be thankful for that?

I am absolutely thankful to be blessed with another baby. I would have just preferred us to have Cameron and then have this wonderful little girl come a couple years later. I'd have all 3 of my kids here with me...

Either way - Aiden, Cameron, and baby girl (I promise you'll have a name soon sweetheart!): I love you guys will all of my heart!

Our little girl

2009-03-20T09:18:00.006-04:00

Here are some of the ultrasound pictures we got on Monday! We're still deciding on a name, but we've got it narrowed down to 2! We've got time, so I'm not too worried about it. I'm just anxious to be able to call her by her name. I love the first one and the last one. The first is such a cute profile shot! In the second and last one, you can see her cheeks starting to get chubby! We'll see though, but so far, I make babies with adorable chubby cheeks! lol

She was estimated to be 11oz in these pictures. I can see the resemblance between her and Aiden and Cameron. Especially Cameron, because...well, I saw him in person at that exact age. That kept popping into my head while I was looking at the ultrasound. The tech. kept saying stuff to the effect of, "She's still little, but with the 4D, you can get an idea of what she actually looks like." I wanted to be like, "I know what she looks like, and I know how big she would be if I were to be holding her right now." She's got a bit more fat on her than Cam did - atleast according to the estimate. But, I know those can be off. Before we lost Cameron, they were estimating him to be about 9oz. He was 7.1oz when he was born. Then again, I suppose he could have lost weight from the infection maybe? :( .... I don't know.

I had a horrible nightmare lastnight that I lost this baby. My water broke and I delivered her right there, but nothing was done about it. They just picked her up and whisked her away and I was sent home. I remember in my dream, I kept thinking about how things were with Cameron. How I got to spend time with him, how I got pictures, inprints of his hands and feet, his hat and blanket, etc. I was so upset and cried throughout the rest of my dream. Then I woke up.

I ran down stairs and grabbed my doppler, and picked her up the minute I put the wand on my belly. It was just weird because I haven't had a dream like that in a LONG time.

I fell back asleep only to restart the dream! This happened twice! I should have just stayed awake!

All I have to say is THANK GOD FOR DOPPLERS!! I love being able to check on her from time to time just to ease my mind! :)

It's a....

2009-03-16T14:06:00.003-04:00

HEALTHY BABY GIRL!!

I'm still in a bit of shock to be honest! I've never pictured myself having a daughter - it was always two boys I saw myself with! And now...I'm going to have a daughter!

I just started crying, shaking, and saying, "Wow...Omg! Omg!" over and over again. The tech even took an extra picture of her bottom because I just couldn't believe it!

Most importantly though, she looks healthy as a horse! She's got all her parts, and they're all where they should be, and working properly! She was VERY photogenic and let the tech get all of the pictures she needed! Except when it came to getting pics of her little footsies. We tried SO hard, but she just kept kicking and kicking, lol.

I'm just in awe right now!! And I'm over the moon over the fact that everything looks great!

I was honestly hoping a bit for a girl. Only because I'm not sure how I would have felt had it been a boy. I guess I just see it as...well, if we were to have two boys (which we do, but I mean HERE), it should be Aiden and Cameron. If she would have been a boy, I think I would have felt a little off about it. It's so hard to explain, and obviously I wouldn't have cared, so long as it's healthy...I just have a little bit of an easier time knowing it's a girl.

16 weeks...

2009-02-24T17:10:00.002-05:00

So here I am again...16 weeks pregnant. Except at this point last July, just before 5:00pm, my water broke. It's now 5:45, and so far so good.

I am still anxiously awaiting this day to be over with, but I have no doubt that it will go by just fine. It's just a scary thought you know - to know that I was sitting in this exact spot, with my legs crossed in the same fashion, only to stand up and have my water break.

I really do have no doubt in my mind that I'll be holding a happy, healthy baby this Summer, but the nervousness that surrounds this day (and probably week 19) can't be ignored. I've actually done well today, going about things as if it were just another day. I figured that it was the only way I was going to be able to stay sane today, lol

The heartache...

2009-02-19T19:41:00.005-05:00

I heard one of the songs we played at his memorial, and another song I played for myself that first night in the hospital after he was born. I just can't get over how I can picture everything so clearly. I think it's so hard because those memories go through us in mere seconds. It happens so quickly, and our minds and hearts can't figure out what the hell just happened in those seconds it takes to remember. How can we be brought back to something so quickly, and have it be so vivid at that?

It's absolutely heartbreaking. I broke down tonight - harder than I have in a long time. All from hearing that one song, and seeing myself lying in that hospital bed, for the first time with out my little boy.

I ran and grabbed Cameron's urn and just squeezed it against my face and I bawled. I told him I loved him and how sorry I was. Sorry that he's not here with me, sorry that my body failed him, and sorry that he has to see his momma this way.

I hate being like this - you know, being pregnant and all. I don't want to stress myself out, but I can't just let this go. It's hard being pregnant and mourning the loss of my little man at the same time. I've already got so many emotions flying through me -on top of the heartache of still missing Cameron. It's so confusing and frustrating. But, it's the task I took on when I decided I wanted to be pregnant again. I've done relatively great since I got pregnant - trying to see the bright side of things and all - but I still have those moments. The moments where I miss him more than words could possibly say. The moments when I wold give ANYTHING to have him here with me. Those moments when I wish, if only for a second, I could catch of glimpse of my sweet angel -to see what he's doing, how he's doing....what he looks like...if he still has those chunky little cheeks.

Oh goodness...

I knew it wasn't going to be easy doing this, but....I know it will be worth it when I can hold this baby and thank Cameron for watching over us, and making sure his little brother or sister gets safely into this world.

Cherry flavored Carmex

2009-02-16T16:55:00.002-05:00

You know how certain smells bring you back to a certain time? The smell of burning leaves brings you back to the Fall time when you were little. Or how the smell of a Summer night can bring you back to those wonderful nights you had with your friends?

Well, for me, at this moment, it's cherry carmex! I smelled it this morning when I unknowingly grabbed the tube. I thought it was just regular. As I put it on, the smell instantly struck me and every part of me when back to last Summer. Back in the hospital room. I remember putting it on religiously while I was there, but when we got home, I didn't want anything to do with it. It reminded me too much.

It's just so strange how this little tube can affect me so much! I have never had something bring me back to something so strongly. I smell it and can literally see myself in that room, looking out the window at the trees, and wondering what was going to happen to my little boy. I can remember the bed, the walls, the bathroom...it's crazy to me.

Sure, when I smell those burning leaves or that Summer night, I can remember other nights like them, but the images aren't nearly as vivid as that hospital room. I closed my eyes, scrunched up my forehead and shook my head - almost as if it was something I didn't want to remember. Of course I want to remember Cameron (and I always will), but those days and weeks in and out of the hospital - not knowing what was going to happen from one day to the next - was pure torture!

...damn Carmex.

Just a little update...

2009-02-15T18:34:00.003-05:00

I am now almost 15wks pregnant, and everything is still going great! I won't lie - I'm a little nervous about that 16wk mark, since that's the day my water broke. I told my parents I would be taking the day off work, so I could just hang out that day, and sort of relax.
I'm making it a point not to stress over it too much, but obviously there is a fear there. I know the chances of my water breaking again are still in the 1-2% range, and that the chances of it happening again, at 16wks, is probably much lower.

I have my big ultrasound on March 16th. I'll be 19wks then. I'm very glad they scheduled that when they did, because I want to see this baby and KNOW that everything is OK during the time that Cameron passed. I have no doubt that this baby is, and will be, fine, but it's just nice to see them, you know?

My gf and I were out shopping today, and I was looking at baby stuff. Every time I ran across a 0-3mon baby boy outfit, there was a little tug on my heart. My little man should be wearing that now!! Then there were the ever-so-cute St. Patties Day and Easter outfits. I could just picture myself buying them and being so excited to put them on Cameron! :)

My Valentines was great! Chev hand-made an awesome frame to go around Cameron's collage I made. I was actually very impressed by it!! We're getting the vinyl wall letters and putting "An Angel is Always Watching Over You" above it on the wall where it will be hung. We're putting it in the babies nursery. I thought it would be a great tribute to Cameron, and will let our LO know that his/her little brother is watching over them.

My baby bump is just starting to poke out, which I'm getting more and more excited about! I don't tend to get that big, and it takes awhile for people to actually tell I'm pregnant, so I'm very anxious to get that hard, round belly! I can't wait! The time is going by so damn fast though...I hate it. I mean, I like it, but at the same time, I really just want to enjoy this pregnancy for all that it's worth. My pregnancy with Cameron seemed to go by so slow compared to this one. I mean, I'm going to be 15wks in 2 days!! It's insane!!!

We're also starting the planning of Cameron's garden out back. We're making a big, beautiful rock garden with a small blossoming tree and a butterfly house. I absolutely cannot wait to get started on it! Not only will it be beautiful, but it will make our yard look 10x's better! I'll have more ambition to do "yard work" when it's for my little man ;)

Where did this come from?!

2009-02-02T23:57:00.003-05:00

My tears are heavy right now. Probably the heaviest they've been in months.

Not that I'm a distraught mess, but I'm literally just sitting here with loads of tears falling down my face. No sniffles, no loud cries...just sitting here in silence as they fall. I had no idea they were coming, but the minute I started to write - the minute the word "sweet pea" escaped my fingers - it was over.

Maybe I needed that. I haven't written TO Cameron in quite some time, and did it for the first time in awhile tonight. I typically write to him in his journal, but one of the mom's one my birth board started a thread titled, "Letters I wish I could write". Most of them were silly and gave me a good laugh. Others were somewhat violent, lol, but I laughed. Then there were the select few that really touched me. The ones from those who have lost their babies.

I though, "What a good idea!!". Then, as I read another's mom's entry, I got that quivery lip. Still, I thought I would be fine. I started to write, and BAM!

Not that it bothers me in the least bit. Crying, to me, is an amazing outlet of something deeper inside of us. While I may not have been outwardly upset lately, that doesn't mean that my heart isn't hurting. And that doesn't mean that I'm not going to still cry from time to time. My heart is still as broken as it was the day Cameron left us. It will never be fixed, but I'll learn to live with this impaired heart of mine.

... As most of "us" do.

6 months

2009-02-01T10:23:00.003-05:00

It was our 6 month mark yesterday, and I cannot believe it. Seriously, where has the time gone?
There's seems like such a difference between 5 months and 6 months - I think just because it hits that "half year" mark.

We took Aiden to an indoor water park yesterday with some other friends and their kids! It was fun and Aiden had a blast, but I kept staring at all of the little babies that were there. I should have had Cameron there with me - he would be just over a month now. Ugh, I just miss him.

I still have my mini breakdowns on occasion, but it's normal. I know he's in a better place, and I know I'll see him one day, and that makes me feel a bit better. I just can't forget to remind myself of that from time to time.

The dinner we had last weekend went well. It was just sad to see all of those people there. The chaplain got everyone a little ornament/decoration. It's a set of angel wings, with a heart dangling in the middle that says, "ALWAYS In Our Hearts". Of course, the minute he gave ours to us, I broke down crying. I didn't feel so awkward when I looked up and saw other women crying. It was a very nice dinner overall, and the chaplain announced the company was going to make it an annual event. He then said something that struck me! He said, "Hopefully this group won't get any bigger, but unfortunately it probably will...". It's so sad, but he's most likely right.

Other than that, things have been going well around here. I have my 14wk appointment next week. Everything has been going great. This has been a text book pregnancy so far. It makes me feel a smidge better. With Cameron, I had cramping and spotting for awhile. Just minor issues from the very beginning.

I said I was going to just sit back and enjoy this pregnancy, and that's what I'm doing. Obviously thoughts go through my head from time to time, but I don't let them get to me too much. That's a huge reason why I bought the doppler too. I check the little one everyday. Not because I feel like anything is wrong, but just because I like that reassurance.

I would just love for August to be here already. What I'm most afraid of, is having the baby early, and being in the hospital for Cameron's 1yr. I had Aiden 17 days early, Cam's day is only 11 days before my due date. While it would be special for them to share that day, I don't want anything to overshadow him. I could never let that happen, but to others...well, having a living child here...I just feel like they would completely forget about Cameron because he's not, ya know??

We'll see what happens, and cross that bridge if/when it gets here.

Strange...

2009-01-16T08:56:00.002-05:00

I had one of the strangest dreams last night. However, it was a very happy dream too.

I remember being in the hospital, and I was still pregnant. All of a sudden, a nurse wheels a baby into our room. Then she leaves. I turned to the Dr. and said, "This isn't my baby. There must be a mix up!" She turned to me and said, "No, that's your baby. Don't you remember?" She didn't have to say anymore.
I ran to the cart, shouted, "Oh God...Cameron!", and scooped the baby up. The Dr. just turned, smiled at me, and left the room. Chev and I were overjoyed. Even though it was just a dream, I felt the most amazing sense of happiness come over me, and I can still remember what it felt like! I can't explain it!
It was like a million years of sadness had left us in that single moment.

Then it hit me! I'm still pregnant! I turned to Chev and said, "We're going to have two after all!" and we just smiled at eachother.

The next part was the confusing part. I don't remember how it came to this, but somehow the baby wasn't Cameron anymore. It was a baby girl. I thought it was some sort of cruel joke the nurses had played on us. I was so hurt and upset. I didn't understand what it meant or why anyone would do that to us.
Then I realized that I still wanted to bring that baby home. I still felt as if she were mine.

Now, I'm a huge analyzer when it comes to dreams. I try my hardest to figure out the meaning of them. Whether it's subconscious or something spiritual. So this is my best translation of the dream (although I'm sure, to the experts, it's something much deeper *insert eye roll* lol)

The fact that I was pregnant and had a baby at the same time maybe represents the baby I'm carrying now. I've had a small feeling it's a girl for awhile now. Maybe the whole thing with the baby being Cameron in the beginning, and then turning out to be a baby girl, and her still being "mine", represents a more spiritual side of things. Like maybe this is Cameron coming back to us - just in a different way.

I don't know how much I believe in reincarnation or that someone's spirit will comes back to us, but it's something I'm open to. Only because I really don't KNOW what happens when we pass. I know we'll see those we've lost one day - I do believe that. But, there's also part of me that believe that sometimes they are sent back to us. I'm just not too sure. Like I said - I'm open to all possibilities really.

Then there's always the possibility that I'm looking into this way too much, lol. It could very well have just been some off the wall, pregnancy dream. We all know how crazy those can get. I'm just happy that I got to feel what it was like to hold Cameron, and have him look at me and smile. Like I said, the happiness that I felt inside, was absolutely indescribable. "He" had very light brown hair, beautiful porcelain skin with the most beautiful light blue eyes.

I once went to a genetic-type site for eye color. And with our family member's eye colors, and mine and Chev's eye color, our children will only have either blue or green eyes(50/50 with each). It said our first would most likely have green (Aiden has green eyes), and that our second would most likely have blues eyes. I never saw Cameron's eyes, but I always pictured him with blue eyes for some reason. :)

10wks and first OB appt.

2009-01-12T23:01:00.002-05:00

Had my first real OB appointment today (I'll be 10wks tomorrow). Everything went well and everything looks good!

After the oh-so-fun pap (yeah right!), we headed over to the portable u/s room, where I got to see our little munchkin. He/she was just hanging out, heart just beating away!

Unfortunately the other baby did not develop a heart beat. In fact, it was no longer even there. The Dr. said it's very likely that our baby with the hb was much stronger than the other and "stole" things away from the other one. It seems wrong and cruel, but...well...I suppose it's just natures way. My body did what it was supposed to do and absorbed the other one. It kind of makes you wonder how often something like that really happens, because most women don't get an ultrasound that early.

It's sad, but I'm SOOO thankful and happy to have atleast one healthy little one in there!

My OB told me that I could have a u/s everytime I come in for an appointment. Not a great u/s, but one with the portable u/s machine! As long as I can see the little squirt, I don't care what kind of u/s it is! He's obviously doing this for me to keep my mind at ease. He's a great guy!

Oh and my doppler came yesterday! I decided to buy one for my own peace of mind. I was surprised I was able to pick it up alreadngy!! It's so much fun and it's so comforting to know that I can check on him/her whenever I want. It's hard because you never know what's going on inside there, and if I can just get somewhat of an idea, it makes me feel a bit better.

Special dinner

2009-01-10T20:31:00.002-05:00

The chaplain (who is the chaplain at Chev's work)who did Cameron's memorial service has invited Chev and I to a dinner on the 24th.

It's a dinner for all of those at Chev's work who have lost children. Him and his wife lost their 18yr old son in a car accident a few years back. Another couple lost their 20-something yr. old son to suicide. Then there are the parents of the 2yr old little girl who lost her battle with cancer last year. Also, friends of ours who lost their son Travis at 24wks, due to PPROM - same thing that happened to us.

It is going to be sad no doubt, but I think it will be very special for everyone.

I'm looking forward to it because I've been feeling as if enough hasn't been being done for Cameron. In the beginning, we had his memorial, then I was buying things left and right. The we had The Walk to Remember. We got a couple of things to remember Cameron by for Christmas, which was special, but after that, I was left thinking, "What now"?

It's almost an obsession...I don't know how else to explain it. I just don't want Cameron to feel forgotten...EVER...not in the least bit! That's another reason I'm excited for Summer. We will be starting his garden which is going to be just beautiful!

5 months...

2009-01-01T19:34:00.004-05:00

Where in the world has time gone?! I cannot believe it's been 5 months since our little man left us. It seems much too long to be without him, and it just breaks my heart to think about it.

It scares me to think that we've been without him that long, and it scares me even more to think that one day, we'll have been without him for much longer. What am I going to do when it hits 5 years? 5 years without my Cameron.......how does this happen?

It just makes the journey home seem that much further away. I've always said that I keep myself peaceful by reminding myself that I will go home one day and I will see his sweet face. It just hit me how far away that really is (God willing).

And his anniversaries always seem to fall on some big day. October it was Halloween and yesterday it was New Years Eve. I had nothing to celebrate yesterday. We had some friends over, but I was just out of it. Because that's when it hit me that this is going by too fast.

It's like when you love someone and then they leave. The first couple of weeks are hard, but you just had them there, so it comforts you some. Then, next thing you know, it's been 5 months and you realize how much you really miss them now...

...here's to hoping 2009 goes by slow and is full of happiness...

I made it!

2008-12-26T07:51:00.004-05:00

Well I made it through. It wasn't easy, but we did it!

Honestly, Christmas Eve was much harder than Christmas Day. I think mainly because on Christmas Eve, we were around ALL of the family. We went to my uncle's house, and I was fine when I walked in. I walked past my dad, and he reached out and hugged me and asked how I was doing. I laid my head on his shoulder and said, "Fine..." and then sighed real loudly and the tears just came. I ran to the bathroom and he was quick to follow.

We hugged and cried together, and all I kept thinking and saying was, "He should be here!!". My dad said the same thing - he said that's all he had thought about that day. That Cameron should have been there for everyone to be loving on, holding, and fussing over.
After about 5min. in there, we got ourselves together and walked out. I grabbed a plate and headed out to the tables to get some food. When I walked out there, my mom said, "You OK"? Again, I lost it. I tried so hard not to, but I couldn't fight it. This time I didn't run to the bathroom, I just lost it...right there infront of everyone.
Everyone was very supportive though, and before I knew it, I had my mom, Chev, my aunt, my brother, and my cousins all hugging me.

After that, I went inside to lay on the couch because I was so tired. I just laid there, and triedn to sleep, but nothing happened. I just stared at that angel atop the Christmas tree and started bawling. I got it together and a few minutes and decided I wasn't going to do this. I closed my eyes and talked to Cameron for a bit, and then got up to go and be with the rest of the family.

The rest of the night didn't go too bad. Then we went to Chev's families little thing. They didn't mention a damn thing. Didn't ask how we were doing, didn't mention Cameron....nothing! I love them, don't get me wrong, but they are some of thee most thoughtless people I've ever met! It wouldn't surprise me had they forgotten completely!

Christmas Day was actually a little easier, and I think it's because we didn't have all of the family around. I love my family, they're a great support, and I like being around them, but at that point yesterday, it just reminded me so much how how Cameron should be here. That hurt.

I miss my little sweet pea so much! I know he's here though - always around me. I just have remember that.

~~~~~~~~~~Pregnancy~~~~~~~~~~

I really need to start a separate blog for this, but at the same time, it's kind of cool to have Cameron and his little brother or sister share this.

I had my first u/s on Tuesday. Baby was measuring exactly 7wks, with a heartbeat of 137! We did see another one, but at the time, were not able to pick up a heartbeat. I'm not too worried right now because it's still early, and they didn't do a transvaginal u/s on me. She had to zoom in for us to pick up the hb of the first one, but never zoomed in on the 2nd one to check. I should have just demanded a travsvaginal one, damn it!
She said, "Looks like we might have a twin here!!" and was all excited. Then, when she couldn't find the hb, she said, "Well, I guess we'll just assume it's the yolk sac.". UM, what?! NO. I know what a yolk sac looks like, and I know it's not supposed to be that far away from the baby! Every u/s I've ever seen, the yolk sac is RIGHT NEXT to the baby. Not all the way at the bottom of the sac! You couldn't even see it from the u/s pic she gave us - that's how far away it was from the baby!

So, I have an appoointment with the intake nurse on Monday and am going to ask her about it and see if we can't get in for a transvaginal. I really think the tech. was just doing that to save me stress and sadness. We had talked about Cameron while I was in there, and I think she thought it would have upset me. While I would be sad, I'm so thankful we have atleast one healthy baby in there! Plus, it's not her job to do that.

So, we will see! We've got 2 scenarios here:
1) It was still too early, and baby #2 was just a few days behind.
2) Baby #2 isn't going to develop. I've heard it's very commen (especially when they're in the same sac) for the healthier of the two, to actually steal nutrients and whatnot away from the 2nd one to the point to where the 2nd one doesn't deveopl a heartbeat or to where the heart will actually stop. I suppose it's nature at her best with the whole "natural selection" crap.

I will update after my appointment and let you know what we find out!

So much going through my head!

2008-12-18T21:29:00.004-05:00

I looked at Cameron's picture for the first time in about a month last night. It was odd. I smiled.
I can't explain what went through me, but it was some weird sense of happiness - like I know he's happy where he's at, and I know he couldn't be happier for us right now.

Then there was that little bit of sadness still tugging at my heart - I suppose it will for awhile...if not the rest of my life.

I have a feeling he would have been here by now. Aiden was 3 days shy of being 3wks early. Not to say that every baby is the same, but if my first came a little early, I have a feeling Cameron would have too. Does that make this upcoming week any easier? Definitely not. That was the day we had talked about since day 1, the day that so many people we're so surprised about when we told them our due date. I've only cried once or twice in the past week...just thinking about things. Mainly when we were back in the hospital, and back at my appointments when everything was going OK.

I really do think this pregnancy is helping though. Because, in the midst of this sadness, I feel this little bit of light shining through, and I know that's because of this tiny miracle inside of me. Letting me know that things are going to be OK, and that Cameron is watching over all of us.

I just miss him dearly. I can't and won't deny that I want my baby boy back, but I know that isn't possible, and I need to just remind myself that he's not gone. He's just away for awhile. Or more so, I'm away from him. I'll see him one day, when I go home. We all will. That's really what has gotten me through so many hard times. I've read many accounts of people who have died, and met their loved ones, only to be brought back to life to tell their stories. To know that I will hold him again one day is all I need to think about to be at peace again.

Then there's Aiden. How and when do I tell him about this baby? We've kept it from his so far, but I'm bursting because I know he wants this so badly. And as confident as I am about this pregnancy, I would hate for something to happen and for him to go through that again. He was devastated when we lost Cameron, and I could never do that to him again. I'm thinking maybe after my first appointment? My initial instinct was to wait until I started to show, but I can't wait to see the excitement on his face!

He's learned a lot about death in the past year. From Cameron, to his guinea pig, to two of the kittens our cat just had. I'm sad for him, but it is part of life.

What hurts me is when he asked me one time, "Can I have another brother or sister? When will you have a baby in your belly again?", and I answered, "Yes baby, you can. I don't know when mommy will have a baby in her belly again, but it will happen." He responded with this, "Will that baby die too?".
We were in the middle of the grocery store when this took place, and it stopped me dead in my tracks, and absolutely broke my heart.

I explain the best I can to him that something happened in my belly, and that Cameron got sick because of it, so Jesus took him home with him so he could be all better. He seemed content with that, but I don't want him to think that all babies die and go to Jesus before they're born.

I'll think on this one awhile. 4yr olds aren't the easiest to convince when they have their minds made up about something... lol

Happy Birthday to me...

2008-12-11T21:51:00.003-05:00

Well, things are going well over here.

I've just been trying to keep myself busy, now that Christmas is just around the corner. I know it's coming, I can't stop it, and I'm nervous. I'm nervous as hell. I'm not really sure why though...maybe because I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to act come that day!

I know we'll have tons of family stuff going on, but that's not going to take my mind off of it. Will I cry all day? Will I be OK? Will it be on and off? It's just so uncertain, and that's what I hate.

Heather and I have been talking a lot about our angels lately. It makes things easier, but it just down right sucks that we both have to be going through this!

I am excited about her Christmas gift though! I have decided to purchase a star from the national star registry and name it after Wyatt! She will get a certificate and a map of the star! I will also be doing one for Cameron! I just know she's going to love it!

Today is my birthday, and while it was a good day, it was very hard. I knew there was a possibility that Cameron could have come today...or any day soon for that matter! Plus, it's Thursday. The dreaded Thursday! The day my water broke, the day Cameron passed away, the day we lost the pregnancy last month. But then there's the "OK" aspect of that day. It's my birthday and the day Cameron would have been due.

... I can't believe that day is only 14 days away. I can't believe I'd be 38wks pregnant today.

As far as the pregnancy - everything seems to be going great! I feel great, other than the fact that I'm exhausted 24/7, but I'm not complaining! I just can't wait to have my energy back!

Speaking of...I need to get to bed! I'm so tired, and I've got to be up at 6:00 for work.

2nd HCG levels

2008-12-05T18:04:00.004-05:00

Got my 2nd numbers back today!

12dpo = 80
14dpo = 187

They have more than doubled by a bit, so everything seems to be right on track!!

I called my OB's office and set up my appointment with the intake nurse and my OB. My appointment with the nurse is on the 29th, and my first appointment with my OB is on January 12. The receptionist said they would probably schedule me for an ultrasound shortly after my OB appointment, but I think the intake nurse will request one for me sooner. She did when I was pregnant with Cameron, only because I had some light cramping. She made up the reason of "Due date confirmation", because she knew it wouldn't be approved for cramping, lol. She was awesome.

My OB told me he wanted to have one done sooner this time around, to ease my mind about things, so I don't think she'll have any issues scheduling one for me. I'll be 8wks when I see her, and 10wks when I see my OB.

So I'm thinking I'll have the u/s done between 8-9wks.

Update

2008-12-03T14:41:00.003-05:00

Just got the call from my Dr.

My HCG was 80 (yesterdat at 12dpo)

I freaked out at first, thinking it should have been higher! Especially since my gf called and told me hers was 500 something at 16dpo (twins for her though). She said that put me at about 2.5wks, and I freaked. I was like, "No...I'm 4wks!". She laughed and said, "No hun, 2.5wks from conception." LOL duh! So that would put me at 5wks, with the baby being 2.5wks. Whew!

I also checked this one site and I'm right on! It said the median for 12dpo is 35, so 80 is great!

I have another draw tomorrow just to check things out and make sure my numbers are doubling how they're supposed to! Once I get those results back, I will call my OB and make my first appointment! :)

So far, so good

2008-12-03T12:04:00.004-05:00

Well, so far, everything is looking good. My tests have been getting darker and darker, and I got a "pregnant" on a digital at 11dpo.

I went and had my blood drawn yesterday, and will have the results back today (hopefully!). That's what the lab tech. told me anyway!

I'm feeling great! Other than some mild, normal annoying things, everything is good right now! I know some cramping is normal in early pregnancy, but I haven't even had much of that. No spotting either!

Everyone is very happy for us, but nervous at that same time. Hell, so are we...obviously! But, I'm not going to let what happened to us, prevent me from enjoying this pregnancy. I know every pregnancy is different - I was shown that with Aiden and Cameron.

Bottom Line: We're seriously excited!!!

We had a family moment the other night while decorating the tree. We waited to put Cameron's ornament on last, and we did it together. It was very emotional. I cried, and for the first time since Cameron's memorial, Chev cried too. In a way, it was nice to see. I just grabbed Aiden and all 3 of us just hugged. I couldn't help but think of the little life inside of me. Plus, I knew Cameron was right there with us, so really....all 5 of us were there :)

I never though in a million years we'd be a family of 5!!!!

Of course, I would love to have all of my children here, but I have to remember that I am still very blessed. I've got a wonderful husband, an amazing son here on Earth, a beautiful angel watching over us, and a precious little one inside of me.

I can't help but smile...

BFP!!!!

2008-11-28T22:47:00.006-05:00

Well, apparently I am one fertile girl!

Yep, you guessed it! I got another BFP today! I was kind of expecting it because we timed everything PERFECTLY, and my temps were looking awesome. BUT, I wasn't expecting to get one this soon! I'm 8dpo! The earliest was 9dpo with Cameron, so I guess I'm no that far off!

I've taken two tests today and both were positive :). I'm going to take another on Sunday, just to see that line get darker, and then make an appointment for bloodwork on Monday.

I just hope that since I got it so early, it means that everything is going great and working just how it should!!

I hope this little one sticks, and sticks good this time!!! Oh and I will be due Aug. 12, but we'll know for sure with our first u/s :)

...not to mention it's my mom's birthday today! I sent her a text with a pic of the positive and said, "Surprise! Happy Birthday!" - she's ecstatic!! She said she almost started crying when she saw it!

A little gift

2008-11-24T12:45:00.005-05:00

My mom had gotten me these two gifts last week, and I couldn't be happier with them!!

The bulb will go on the tree, and while the "crystal" is also meant to go on the tree, I hang it on my rearview mirror in the car!

Honestly, getting these gifts made the holidays seem a LITTLE easier. It made me happy that we definitely have something to put on the tree, and that we're making sure Cameron is a part of all we do!

I couldn't believe she got his footprints on there too!! For an ornament, I was thinking a little blue baby booty, with his name on it, so you can imagine my surprise when she showed these to me, and I saw his little footprints on there!

They both read, "Cameron David - Forever Our Angel - July 31,2008

I'm not sure exactly where she got the bulb, but the crystal thing came from www.plaquemaker.com.

They can even put your childs face on there!

Here's the part of the page where those exact ones are!
http://plaquemaker.com/Personalized_Ornaments.html

First Snow...

2008-11-10T00:05:00.004-05:00

We had our first snow here today. I was fine this morning when I woke up, but the minute I saw that snow, something inside me just shut off. I haven't been back to my "normal" self since then.

I don't want it to snow, I don't want winter to be here, and I'm so not looking forward to the upcoming holidays. The snowfall today was like a punch in the stomach. Nothing is going to stop just because I want it to. The holidays are still going to come, and people are still going to celebrate, even though I'm hurting.

I don't even want to think about Christmas. The snow made me realize that it's coming fast. If it weren't for Aiden, I doubt we'd even put up a tree this year. At the same time, I hate saying that, because I don't want to not do something because Cameron's not here. I want it to be special, but how do you do that when you're missing the one and only thing you want that day.

Cameron would have been the best Christmas present ever, and now he won't be here. All I'll have is a tiny santa hat for his urn, and special ornament for the tree. That does NOT make up for my baby not being here.

We pulled up into the driveway tonight, after being at Chev's parent's house, and I noticed the snow build up on my car. It was covering Cameron's decal on my back window. I feeling of anger went through me. I wanted to jump out of the jeep, and just frantically start pushing that snow away. Instead, I collected myself, walked up to the car and brushed it away. There was ice underneath, so it was still covered.

I hated that snow more than ever right then.

...here's hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

Trying to figure things out...

2008-11-06T21:20:00.002-05:00

My family Dr. called back with my number. My levels were a 6

Yes, this is considered pregnant, but not very. My levels should have been much higher.

It confuses me because I got a + on the day before, the day of, and the day after my blood draw. How in God's name did an HPT pick up so little?

I've been bleeding and cramping all day. TMI, but basically soaking a pad every 2hrs.

Basically, there's no hope in my mind at this second, and I've accepted what's happening.

I've been very down today for multiple reasons. I shouldn't have to be going through this. I should be 8 months pregnant with my little Cameron. But I'm not. Even so, I shouldn't be having these problems. I'm young, I'm healthy, and I had NO problems with Aiden what so ever. Now, here I am, once again starting from scratch.

It's very frustrating for me. And now here I am, again, scared to death I won't be pregnant before Cam's due date.

I called the nurse at my OB's office and talked to her. I told her what happened last month, and now this month, and she wants to get me in to see my OB. That scared me.
I thought this was something normal that can happen after losing a baby so late. She said it's just to make sure there's nothing else going on. I'm just not sure what's happening. I'm getting pregnant, but not staying pregnant.

I just don't get why this is happening to me. I don't want it to happen to anyone, but why me?! Why not the crackhead down the street who neglects and abuses her children.

What have I done, that is so wrong, that I don't deserve to give Aiden a little brother or sister here on Earth!? He's being affected by this too! He so wants someone to play with. He's got all of his friends, yes, but they all have brothers and/or sisters. It makes me so angry!

It's Over...

2008-11-06T10:39:00.002-05:00

Well, I hate to say this, and ruin the excitement around here, but this pregnancy was short-lived.

I started bleeding pretty heavily this morning, and passed 2 big clumps of something, I'm cramping...all of that awful stuff that happens I suppose.

I don't understand this. Haven't I been through enough this year? Honest to God!? It's just frustrating because 4yrs ago I was able to get pregnant, have a flawless pregnancy, and deliver a healthy baby!

I obviously don't have a problem getting pregnant, it's the last 2 that my stupid body is having issues with.

I can't dwell on this though. All I can do is move forward and know that it will happen when the time is right.

...I guess.

A bittersweet time...

2008-11-05T22:12:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I know this is probably completely normal, but it's frustrating to me at the same time.

Of course I'm absolutely thrilled at the thought of being pregnant again. At the same time though, there's a great sense of sadness within me. I think it all comes down to the simple fact that I want Cameron, and I know this baby isn't him.

It's going to be so hard to get used to the idea of a different baby. Cameron was the last thing I knew about being pregnant, and I can't just forget that. In my mind, I'm having my 3rd child, but my second is missing. I've been pregnant two times in 8 months. Nothing about those two statements is normal.

I'm also very afraid of getting so wrapped up in this pregnancy that I stop thinking of Cameron. I know in my heart that's not possible, but the thought does go through my head. I just want him to know that I love him no matter how many other children we have. He's still our son. He's our little baby boy and he always will be.

I don't want to resent this baby for not being Cameron. I don't want to ever look at him/her and think, "Why are you here and Cameron's not?!". I don't think that will happen, but it still scares me.

I'm sure these are all perfectly normal feelings to have while being pregnant after a loss. I'm thinking about maybe going to talk to someone though. Just to get these things out - not just on here, but to an actual person. Maybe that person can help me get through these fears and these feelings.

I don't know anyone in real life that has gotten pregnant after a stillborn. My friend Heather, of course, but she's still not pregnant. She's hoping this month though!

It's still very early, and things are still very new to me. We'll give this some time and see what happens.

Early scare

2008-11-05T16:48:00.004-05:00

I had a bit of a scare today. But apparently it's normal, and I need to chill out.

Yeah...right.

I was at work and went to the bathroom. I looked down and saw brown in my underwear. I wasn't too worried because it was brown, but when I wiped there was bright red on the toilet paper.

My hear immediately sank! I sat there for a minute and wiped again...this time, just a pink color.

I got up and went back about my business and came back about 15min later just to double check. This time there was barely anything there. Just some more brown stuff. I felt a bit better

I came home and quickly took a cheap dollar tree HPT. It came out positive, which also made me feel better, because up until today, I was not able to get a + on any other test than the blue dye test! Apparently those are super sensitive(?)!!

I did call the Dr. while at work and the lady told me that the results wouldn't be in for 2-3 days! Are you friggin kidding me?! I despise our family Dr. office! Don't get me wrong, they're great there, but they take FOREVER to get anything done! And, if I don't call to get the numbers, I doubt I would ever know because they never call anyone back! Grrr!!

So, I'm just trying to take it easy and not worry too much. That was my biggest fear. That because of what happened with Cameron, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the next pregnancy. Yes, I'm scared, but I really am trying not to be negative. It won't get me anywhere, and won't help this next baby any.

Looking at this baby as a precious gift from Cameron makes me feel better too. I know he's watching over all of us, and he's going to try his hardest to make sure his little brother or sister is healthy!

I'm nervous about my first ultrasounds and what not. It's going to be very hard. The last heartbeat I heard was Cameron's, and he was the last baby I saw. It's going to be strange looking at this new little life and knowing that it's not Cameron.

Well wouldn't you know!!!!

2008-11-04T10:18:00.002-05:00

The minute I think that we're going to stop, guess what....

I was honestly very surprised, I won't lie. I'm happy and very excited, but insanely scared and nervous at the same time. I'll test again in a couple of days to see that line hopefully get darker. I don't really even know when I Ovulated. All I know is that fertility friend had af starting yesterday, and it didn't show. I was thinking I wasn't due until the 8th or 9th....

I just got off the phone with the Dr. and they're having me come in for bloodwork this afternoon.

If all goes well, I'll be due in July.

I suppose I just have to look at it as Cameron's gift to us. I wasn't too keane on the idea of July because that is Cameron's month. But I suppose I can look at last months failure as a sign that this is going to be a gift for us in July - from our little man.

Just thinking...

2008-10-30T22:22:00.003-04:00

Well, i think we're going to take the Docs advice and not TTC until December. I'm even thinking January/February...

Just to give us some time and all that. With the way I've been feeling lately, it just doesn't feel like that "right" time for me. Plus, I'd love an October baby! :)

Short and sweet - off to bed!

Frustrated!

2008-10-30T08:40:00.003-04:00

I'm so frustrated right now!!! I just want to be pregnant again, and for whatever reason, It's just not happening.

Ok, ok...we've only been trying for two months, but after an early miscarriage, and then not even ovulating, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me!

I'm scared to death I won't be pregnant by Cameron's due date!!!

I shouldn't even have to be trying again! I should be going on 8 months pregnant! It's so shitty.

I've already had enough heartache in the last 3 months to last me a lifetime, and now my body won't even let me get pregnant again. The frustrations of trying to conceive, when you're already a total mess, do a number on a girl, I'll tell you that.

What's wrong with me?!?

2008-10-28T19:09:00.004-04:00

So I'm very comfortable in saying that I had a chemical pregnancy last month. For those that don't know, it's basically a very early miscarriage. It happens in 50-60% of pregnancies, and only with these early pregnancy tests, have women been able to find out.

Had it not been for those tests, I wouldn't have thought twice about it.

I had taken 4 tests all together. The first one I took was a cheapie and I swore I saw something! So, I took another cheapie. That was looked negative to me. So, I went out and bought some decent ones, and at first I didn't see anything. I left it in the bathroom, and after about 5min. went back and, once again, swore I saw something! I thought for sure my eyes were playing tricks on me and it was only because I wanted to badly to see something.

I took the test apart, looked at it closely and still saw it. I turned the strip over and saw an indentation line with the SLIGHTEST hint of color to it. I thought, "Evap line?". So I tested again in the morning with the same kind, and the same thing happened. Not only that, but my temps were super indicative of pregnancy!! Almost the exact temps I had when I found out I was pregnant with Cameron...

Then, a day or two later, I got my period - 4 days early and boy was it hell. Probably one of the worst I've had!

My cycle this month has been all kinds of screwy. I don't get my temps or my OPK's and monitor. I thought I had O'd this past weekend. Well on Sunday, while at the store, something gave me the urge to get some OPK's. So, I did.
I peed on one that night and, while negative, it was very dark. I did another on in the morning and it was 100% positive. I didn't understand because everything else had pointed to me O'ing over the weekend at some point.

Someone brought up the possibility that I even O'd sooner than that and the OPK was showing up + because maybe I'm pregnant. So, just to rule things out and figure out what's going on, I took a test. It was negative.

I then took that test and compared it to the 2 I had taken last month. They were completely different. There was no hint of color or indentation of a line.

It just sucks to know that something was there, but it didn't work. I know this feeling all to well. Cameron was here, but my body didn't work the way it was supposed to, and now he's gone.

I'm not super sad, or beating myself up over this... just kind of disappointed. I wish there were no pregnancy tests. That way, I wouldn't have known.

What is so wrong with my body!? Why was I able to get prengnant in a split second, have a perfect pregnancy, and deliver a perfectly healthy baby just 4yrs. ago, but now I can't seem to do any of that...

Off and On

2008-10-28T14:53:00.004-04:00

This week has been better - so the pattern always goes.

My friend just had her babyshower for her son. Our boys were supposed to be only a month apart. It was super hard to be there, but I'm very happy for her. I was doing fine until we started playing games. I won one of the games and got to open the gift. Well, they had it set up to where she got the gift you open. So, I start pulling the tissue out of the bag, and then start pulling out baby toys, baby bottles, and bibs. It hit me then. I should be opening these things in a couple weeks - things that would have been for Cameron. I quickly put the things back in the bag and set it down next to her without saying a word.
Then it was time for her to cut her cake. While she was doing this, I couldn't help but look up at the sign in the window. "Baby Boy! Welcome Jace!". Cameron's name should have been on one of those signs here soon...
At that point, I lost it. I went outside and just bawled. Heather was there, thank God. She came out with me and we talked. She had a pretty hard time too, and that was the first time I had seen her really cry since the walk back in the beginning of October.

It was just an overwhelming sense of sadness inside. It sucked.

Then today, I get yet another baby diaper in the mail. This time from huggies. The front of the package says, "Happy & Healthy: Almost there!" - Everything about that statement is wrong.

However, today was not all bad. I had gone to the bank just a little bit ago. I walked up to the counter and chatted with the girl behind the desk while I was filling out some papers. She asked, "How are you doing? I heard what happened..." I was stunned! I didn't even know this girl! Come to find out she went to school with Chev. I told her I was doing OK, and she said she couldn't even imagine and that she was so sorry. I told her that Chev and I were doing as best as can be expected, and that we're getting through it. I also mentioned that we are hoping for a little Summer baby. She smiled at me and just said, "That'll be nice...".

It's people like that that I appreciate so much! She didn't try given me some random words of wisdom, or pretend to know how I felt. She simply asked how I was doing, and offered her condolenses.

Is this the road to nowhere?

2008-10-23T21:19:00.004-04:00

Oh wow. My mind has been everywhere and back in the past week. Half of the time I don't even know what I'm thinking. All I know is that this sucks. It sucks and it hurts...plain and simple.

I keep going back to the hospital. I remember lying there with Cameron in my arms. I could feel the weight of him (even though it wasn't much) lying in my arms. I stared out the window and, for a second, I tried to pretend that everything was normal. That I was holding my newborn baby boy in my arms and that he was just sleeping. My mind wanted to believe that was true, but the moment I looked down, every hope that I had, every wish that was going through my head, was shattered at the sight of my precious Cameron. So beautiful, but so still. His chest wasn't rising and falling like I wanted it to. Nothing was how it was supposed to be.

And still, nothing is.

Life's not the same, I'm not the same, my heart is definitely not the same. I'm broken down, and I have absolutely no idea where to go with all of this. 3 months is coming up quick, and I don't feel as if I'm any "better" than the moment I found out Cameron was gone. Does it get better? Will I heal? Will I ever be able to go a full week without crying, ever again?

My heart aches everytime I see Aiden making loving gestures for Cameron or everytime he asks about his little brother. I love that he talks about him, but I hate that he doesn't get to meet his brother, that he was so excited about, in a couple of months. I try to include Cameron in everything we do around here! Why shouldn't I? He is still very much a part of this family, and I'm going to make sure no one forgets that. So what if he's not here. He's still my son and I love him more than life itself.

I sometimes feel like people think I'm silly for doing the things I do. Sometimes, I even feel as if Chev thinks it too. I'm probably wrong, but he just doesn't do the things I do. I don't fault him for that, and I know he loves Cameron, but I feel like he would rather just move on from what happened. Not that he wants to forget Cameron, but that maybe he doesn't want to relive what happened. Like he knows it happened, but sort of wants to "brush it under the rug."

And It's not that I want to relive what happened. I just want to keep Cameron's memory alive - it's all I have left of him. Of course people are going to ask: What memory? How could you have a memory of someone you never met?

I didn't have to officially meet my son to know him. He grew inside me for 5 months! I knew his schedule, I felt his tiny kicks, I saw his heart beating, I watched on many ultrasound screens as he played around inside my belly. I saw his face. I know he looked just like his daddy and big brother! I studied his every feature so that I will never forget it. And I haven't. Everytime I close my eyes, I can see him as clear as day, and I'm so grateful for that.
Those are the memories I have! That's my Cameron! He was a person, no matter how small!

I just hate that I feel more comfortable talking about OUR son with my friends, than I do with Chev. Well mainly just Heather I suppose. She says it's kind of the same way with her husband, so I've sort of settled on the fact that it's just a "guy thing". I don't get it, and I hate it, but I suppose that's how it is. I just feel like Chev doesn't talk about him...EVER. Not even to his friends or family. I swear sometimes his family has just let it go. They don't ask or talk about him or anything.

My mom has let me know many times that she still thinks about Cameron. Everyday as a matter of fact. I love knowing that, I really do. I know I've said it before, but it makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one with him constantly on my mind.

A night of remembrance

2008-10-15T19:58:00.003-04:00

We lit our candle tonight. Just Aiden and I here at home.

I ran to the store to pick up some stuff super quick to make Cameron is own special candle. I had about 10-15 minutes to make it, but it turned out cute! I got it made just in time to light it.

We went over and put it in the window. As soon as it hit 7:00, I lit the wick. The moment I lit it, both Aiden and I said, "Cameron, I love you." My eyes started tearing up just hearing him say that. I looked at him and he was just staring at the candle like he was expecting Cameron to come out of it or something. At that point, I started bawling. He just looked at me and said, "You're crying mommy." I told him it was because I missed Cameron. He didn't say anything, but just leaned over and gave me a hug. I squeezed him so tight and told him how glad I was to have him and how much I loved him. He pulled back and took his hand and brushed it across my cheek, wiping my tears off. All he said was, "It's OK."

He's such a sweetheart! He can be a huge stinker at times, but he's very sensitive to others feelings. He loves his little brother and he senses how much I love him too. I just wish he could be meeting Cameron come December...

I'm thinking about each and every one of our babies tonight! I can only imagine how many candles are lit around the world for them tonight...

It's hurts enough! Why add to it!?

2008-10-15T13:14:00.003-04:00

Today I was feeling a bit better. I was getting that happy feeling back inside of me. The real happy feeling - the one that let's me know that things are going to be OK.

Then, I get home from work at check the mail. Fabulous! There's a thing from Pampers, and on the front, it asks, "Ready for the big day?". I wanted to yell at that piece of paper in my hand, but realized I would look like a nut job had I done so. So, I rolled my eyes and I opened the the envelope. As soon as I tore away the stub, and peered inside, my heart sank. There, right inside, was a tiny, newborn sized diaper. I pulled it out and just stared at it. My stomach turned, and I just breathed a heavy sigh. What am I supposed to do with this little thing? This cute little diaper that would have been for Cameron.

I decided I was going to dub it "Camerons' first diaper" and I put it in his box with all of his other things.

Have I said yet how much I hate this? Yeah? Well, I'm going to say it again, and probably a thousands times more after today.

I HATE THIS.

I'm hurting...

2008-10-14T17:20:00.002-04:00

I've just been having a rough week. I was doing OK, but then had a Dr. appointment yesterday. Just to go over some things I didn't understand at my 6wk PP checkup.
I found some peace in finally knowing what happend, and what cause Cameron's heart to stop, but at the same time, being in that office, and talking about it, brought me right back to the beginning.

I feel like I'm not myself. Like I haven't been for a very long time. I think I've been tricking myself into believing that I'm OK, and that my smiles are genuine. Deep down, I know better. When I'm with a group of people, I still feel like I'm the odd one out. No one says anything to me about it, and no one makes me feel that way necessarily, but I just do.

When I'm having fun for instance - I feel like it's forced. Because the second I stop smiling, my mind goes straight to Cameron and how I would be going on 8months pregnant. How I should be having my baby shower in a month, and how big my belly would be right now.

I'm getting nervous about December being here and seeing the snow on the ground. It's just going to remind me so much that I should be welcoming my baby boy soon. Then there's Christmas - Cameron's due date. God help me, what am I going to do when that day comes?!

I feel like I haven't been taking time out for ME this entire time. I've been so concerned with what everyone else thought, that I never took the time to be selfish for once in my life. I need to do that. It's time.

I think a lot of it also has to do with me not getting pregnant this month. I know it was our first month trying, but I'm so nervous that I'm not going to get pregnant before Christmas. I think that's the only thing that will make that day a little bit easier on me.

I think I might call my doctor and talk about getting back on Wellbutrin. I hate pills. I am a firm believer that our bodies are much stronger and more resilient that Dr's give us credit for. But, there comes a time, when you really have to make a decision based on what's best for you. This is just one of those time that I may need a little help.

I'm going to give it some more time. With this new found self-awareness, and the choice to be more selfish from now on, we'll see what happens.

Somedays I just want to start driving and never stop. The only thing that keeps me from doing so is Aiden and Chev. I could never just up and leave them.

Finally some answers...

2008-10-13T19:04:00.002-04:00

I went to the Dr. today to get a more in depth explanation of what really happened.

I walked in there, and the anxiety started right up. I wanted to cry my eyes out. It seemed that everytime I looked up from my chair, there was a pregnant belly right in front of me. Oh how I wanted my belly to be out and about - showing off my baby boy to the world...but it will never be.

I was called back, weigh, had my BP taken...all of that good stuff. Then my Dr. came in. He's such a gently, caring man! I had see him while pregnant with Aiden, but decided to switch to a midwife when I was pregnant with Cameron. Not that I regret that decision because she was an amazing person! I really really like her! I just think next time around, I'm going to feel more comfortable being with the man that has pretty much been there for both of my pregnancies. He took care of me in the last couple of weeks I had with Cameron.

Anyway, we went over some things, and come to find out, I DID acquire a uterine infection at some point after my water broke. That infection is what stopped Cameron's heart. Deep down I knew that's what happened. When I went in on July 30th and saw him on that u/s, I just knew something was wrong with him. He was always wriggling around in there - even with the limited space he had. That time was different though. He was just lying there, not moving. His heart was beating away, but he seemed to weak to put any effort into movement.

I believe that's why I said the prayer I did that night. Even though I was not ready to let him go, I knew something was wrong. I didn't want my baby boy to suffer or to be weak anymore. Then, 12hrs. later he was gone.

It still hurts so much to know that he was perfect and healthy, but that his little world inside me wasn't right. It failed him.

I felt a little drained after that appointment, I won't lie. I couldn't stop thinking of him. I couldn't stop thinking of what I could have or should have done. I went into work and asked for the day off. They completely understood and told me to go home. I'm so thankful to have such wonderful bosses.

I called my mom on the way home and broke down. I told her that I'm so afraid that people are going to forget about Cameron. I don't want people to forget about him!! I want people to talk about him, and not be afraid to mention his name around me. She told me that she thinks about him every single day, but doesn't bring it up to me because she doesn't want to make a good day bad. I explained to her that I love talking about him. Talking about my little man could never make my day bad! If anything, it will make it that much better!

When I got home, I went out to his memorial spot. I walked out there and just closed my eyes and told him I loved him. At that moment, the strongest breeze came though, and I just smiled. I said, "I know you're here sweet pea. I love you and miss you so much...". I picked up a fluffy dandelion and blew it's little seedlings into the air and walked away.

It's so beautiful out there. It was actually the first time I've been back since his memorial. I think I'm going to visit more often.

Honestly....

2008-10-12T07:22:00.005-04:00

So, I woke up this morning, rolled over and looked at the time.

....6:55.

After last evening and this morning...God, I don't know. Part of me just smiled, but that smile was suddenly overran with intense sadness. It's a sadness that hits you so deep down in your soul, you can't really explain it. It's a sadness that you feel over your entire body. It doesn't necessarily show to the outside world, but you can feel it in the pit of your stomach.

Sometimes it makes me half sick. Other times it makes me completely shut myself down. Once in a while, the tears will fall, and other times, I push through it. I don't know what's going to happen this time. I always get through these moments, but it's the uncertainty that scares me. Am I going to break down out of nowhere? Am I going to be a raging bitch to Chev or have a short temper with Aiden? I just don't know.

I think I can also blame a lot of how I'm feeling right now on my monthy visitor. It's not because I'm not pregnant, but more so because I'm just an emotional person...even more so around this time. Part of me is a little happy I'm not pregnant. It just gives my body one more month to get back on track, and to be that much more healthy to carry our 3rd child.

As December gets closer, I feel a nervousness coming through me. I thought for sure I'd be OK, and that we'd find something special to do for Cameron. I know I still will, but I think I'm going to be alone while doing it. Honestly, I've felt very alone this entire time. Yes, Chev has been there FOR me, but not with me. I feel like I'm the only one going through this.

I was alone at the hospital when I found out Cameron's heart was no longer beating. Chev left because he had a concrete job. Why couldn't he have stayed just 5 more minutes?! He was walking out the door as they were setting up the u/s machine!!! I also felt very alone after I delivered Cameron. Yes, Chev was right there, but I felt as if it were just Cameron and I in that bed as I held him. Chev never held him...never kissed him...nothing. Didn't even touch him.

Chev never cried once at the Walk to Remember. I looked around and saw all of these other grown men crying. Holding tissues to their face. Then I looked at my own husband and he was just standing there, once in awhile looking around. How the fuck does this not effect him!?

He never talks about Cameron - doesn't even mention his name. EVER. I do, but it turns into a 3 second conversation, and then it's just over. I am just SO over with feeling alone. Feeling like I'm the only one who lost Cameron, when he was Chev's son too!!!

I'm so thankful I have Heather and all of the other mommies on here. I truly don't know what I would do without those women. I honestly don't think I would have been able to get through this. At all.

Just a little something...

2008-10-11T22:48:00.003-04:00

We were on our way to dinner tonight and had stopped to get gas. While Chev was out pumping gas, I, for whatever reason, turned to look out the window towards the back of the jeep.

I looked out the window and right there - the first thing to hit my eyes - was a huge sign. It was a digital sign.
It read, "6:55 pm", with fireworks shooting around it.

Cameron was born at 6:55 pm.

:)

10 weeks

2008-10-11T07:47:00.003-04:00

It was 10 weeks two days ago that we lost Cameron. 10 weeks that I've been without my baby boy.

I can't believe that he's been gone that long. Time seems to have just flown by these past couple of months, and when I really stop and think....I still can't believe it.

We went to the local football game lastnight, and my God there were pregnant women everywhere!! At first it didn't bother me, but after awhile, I just couldn't look at them anymore. Or, I'd look, and catch myself staring at their bellies like some weirdo. It hurt because I should be 7 months pregnant right now! I should have that big belly too, and I should be able to feel my son inside me, kicking around as he grows bigger everyday.

As I was walking back to my car, holding Aiden's hand, I almost lost it. I should have both of my boys with me! I looked at Aiden and thought to myself how lucky I was to have him, but how unlucky I was to not have his little brother here. It just hurts.

We've been trying to get the word out about P.A.I.L. this October. We've been handing out fliers at every chance we get and I'm contacted the radio station about it. It's just amazing to me that hardly anyone knows about it! I don't see ribbons, I don't hear people talk about it. I see all of this stuff for breast cancer awareness, which is absolutely fantastic, but our babies deserve to be recognized too!!

My friend and I have been doing this, and we really hope that it sheds some light on it. We're not going to stop until it becomes recognized in this community.

I'm doing it for Cameron, for my friend's son Wyatt, and for all of the other babies out there. I'm just the type of person to TRY my hardest to turn a bad situation good. Not that I could ever turn what happened into complete goodness, but if I can bring out just the tiniest about of sometihng positive, I'm going to.

Oh, and I'm not pregnant.

What a wonderful week!

2008-10-06T21:07:00.003-04:00

My little Cameron has been around me so much in the past week! It's absolutely wonderful!

It started when I REALLY started missing him. I always miss him, but it got really hard there last week. We went to an ice cream social at Aiden's school and I was just sitting there, thinking about Cameron. My mind started wandering, and then something told me to look up. I did, and on the sleeve of someone's hoodie, the name "Cameron" was writting down the arm. I just smiled.

Then, while I was at the store looking at scrapbooks, one caught my eye. I went over to it and pulled it out and right there on the front was "Cameron". This time it actually caught my breath because I had never seen that before - ever!

Yesterday at the park, Aiden climbed the ladder all the way to the top of the big slide. He stood up and I heard him yell, "Hi brother!". I turned around and said, "What Aiden?", and he goes, "I was saying hi to brother". I couldn't help but smile.

Not even two second later, a kid the boys had made friends with was sitting on the merry-go-round and all of a sudden he goes, "Where's Cameron?!" - that was the last straw, lol. I turned to my gf and said, "This is making me crazy...in a good way of course, but my goodness!!"

So, of course, this past week has been absolutely amazing to me. I love my little man!

As for the walk - it was absolutely beautiful!! Very emotional, but just amazing! We got there right at the beginning and there were only about 60 people there. By time everything started, there were hundreds! They started with the speakers, and then went on to have one person from each family come up to get a white rose for their baby(ies) as a guest sang a beautiful song. That was very had for me to walk up there and tell her, "One please." I walked back to Chev and, for a breif moment, felt as if I might collapse. I made it into his arms though.

After that we all got balloons and then got to write a message to our little ones. Chev and I both took one. We then walked down to a very beautiful, peaceful section of the park to release the balloons. One by one, babies names were called. The sight of those balloons slowly filling the sky took my breath away. Then they called Cameron's name. It took me a second to release his ballon, because the sound of his name coming from a loud speaker, took me by surprise. There were tears - oh God were there tears! The tears were obviously out of sadness, but also because of the beauty of everything. The whole event was just wonderful!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SWEET PEA!

Anxiously awaiting tomorrow

2008-10-03T19:57:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow we will be attending the Annual Walk to Remember. I'm anxious, excited, and nervous. Anxious because I don't know what to expect, excited because all of this is for Cameron and the other babies, and nervous because I want to be OK. I don't want to go and be a mess...I want it to be a beautiful day for everyone there.

I'll admit, it's going to be somewhat weird being there with so many others who have lost babies. You know it happens, but I'm afraid to see how often it does. Not that I'm naive - how could I be after what happened? It's just going to be so heart-wrenching to know that ALL of those people have felt the pain I've felt and am still feeling. It's a pain I wouldn't wish I my worst enemy.

I will be testing next week to see if I'm pregnant this month. I'm excited, but incredibly scared at the same time. I still have mild anxiety attacks, and I'm afraid of getting pregnant and having them more often. Maybe we should have waited until I could completely get over the anxiety - then again, I know it's what I want.
There's a part of me that is telling me I'm pregnant, but I don't look into that too much. I think a lot of it comes from me wanting it so badly.

Is this instinct?

2008-09-30T21:34:00.004-04:00

Something so primal goes through me when I look at Cameron's picture. I can't explain it! I just stare, and it feels as if my heart wants to leap right out of my chest. I fight the urge of my arms wanting to reach out for a baby who's no longer there. This confuses me...it confuses my mind, and more than anything, confuses my heart. I know I'm a mother damn it...so why isn't my baby here with me?!

It's like those stories you hear of animals in the wild. Where the baby passes and the mother can't quite grasp it. She knows the baby is gone, but still insists on holding onto him. We, of course are not able to do that. I wouldn't "want" to, and heaven knows I would be labeled mentally insane. But, even though I don't want to, there's that urge. That strange urge inside me to just hold onto him for a little while longer. To have him here, wrapped in his blanket, in my arms.

Sure, the optimal thing would be for him to be here - a healthy newborn, heavy in my arms. But honestly, even if he was the way he was on July 31 - still as can be - I would still want him in my arms. Just to have a little more time. But, it's time I know I'll never get back, and that's what kills me inside.

I was so hoping this week would be a great one! I want to go to this walk with "happy" thoughts in knowing that all of what is going on that day, is for Cameron and the others. If I'm a mess, so be it. Atleast this time, I'll have hundreds of other around me who know EXACTLY what I'm crying for. I won't have people looking at me like something is wrong with me, or thinking that I need counseling because, *GASP*, it's been 2 months and I "shouldn't still be crying".

Our shirts are done!!!

2008-09-30T16:24:00.006-04:00

So we got our shirts back that we had made for the Walk To Remember this weekend! I'm very happy with them! I wanted something simple and cute and that's what we got!

The front has the logo on it and reads "We walk for the steps they'll never take - October 4, 2008"

You can obviously read the back - and yes, those are Cameron's footprints we had put on there. The shirts a little wrinkly, so it's a little hard to see them, but that's them!

Please "meet" Cameron...

2008-09-27T19:03:00.007-04:00

I've been wanting to share our sweet Cameron with those of you who have followed us this whole time. I would have done it sooner, but it's just one of those things you really need to be ready for! I'm completely ready!

Today was the first day I've looked at his beautiful picture in a couple of weeks. Like I said before, I can always picture his little face in my head, but to have that picture there is different. With the picture right in front of me, I can see every little detail of his beautiful face. His chubby cheeks, his little chin, his button nose and his adorable pouty lips. It just makes me miss him that much more...

I can't help but run my fingers along his picture everytime I pull it out. I can't hold back the kisses or the need to hold the picture as close to me as possible. It makes me feel like he's right there, in my arms :)

So without further adieu, I present to you, our precious Cameron David (it's a picture of his picture, so it's a little fuzzy and what not, but I couldn't get my scanner to work)

Here's his big brother Aiden at about 2wks old. Even at 19wks, I could tell he was going to look just like him!

A Walk to Remember

2008-09-25T00:08:00.003-04:00

I just found out about this walk tonight and that it is being held here in Michigan on October 4th! It will be in Lowell, which is a little over 2hrs. away from us, but I don't care!!

It will be another day to celebrate Cameron and all of the other little babies who's lives were lost! I didn't make the deadline to get his name on the official t-shirt, but his name and a short message I wrote, will still be able to be read during the memorial!
We will be getting balloons at the beginning of the memorial and will release them when they read Cameron's name!

As far as the t-shirt goes, I will be making our own! I'm so excited about this! I wish I weren't having to do it, but it's such a great thing! It's very bittersweet to be a part of it!

Here's the actual site:
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com./events_upcoming_walksaroundnation.shtml

I was able to find Michigan's by googling it! So, if you don't see your state or a city near you on there, try looking it up elsewhere!

The dark cloud is moving on...for now!

2008-09-24T16:28:00.004-04:00

My bad moments are passing, thank God, but I know they're not gone forever! I don't have that heavy feeling in my chest today! That's how I can tell when things are going to be bad - I'll think of Cameron, and for a split second, it feels like someone is sitting on my chest.

Today I thought of him and smiled...nothing else :)

I also held my 3rd newborn today. It was a girl and my goodness was she beautiful! She looked like a little doll! She was born yesterday to a friend of mine and I couldn't be happier for them! What tickles me so much inside is that everytime I've held a newborn since Cameron passed, I get a smile out of them. Everytime.
Little Ellie was just born and, when I held her, she woke up. You could tell she couldn't focus on much, but she was staring at my face and just got the biggest, cutest little smile on her face! The same thing happened with the two newborn baby boys I held!

I know it's Cameron's way of helping me with it. It's hard to hold those babies, but when they smile... my God my heart just melts, and I can't help put feel intense happiness!

I so want to be pregnant again. Holding those babies only confirms my feelings and makes any doubt I have go away! When I'm having a down moment, the only thing that I think of that would make me happy (besides having Cameron back) is the thought of being pregnant. I know I need to be patient, but it's so hard to wait!

I'm also thinking about posting Cameron's picture here to share with everyone. I know some of you have seen him already (through babycenter and such), but I know there are others that haven't, and I think I'm ready. I've been inspired by other mommies who have been able to posts their angels picture on the blogs! I haven't looked at his picture in a while, so I'm a little nervous of how I'm going to feel.
I can picture his little face as clear as day, but seeing the actual picture might be a little harder...we'll see!

Struggling

2008-09-22T23:48:00.005-04:00

Oh wow...so today has been very on and off for me.

For one, Aiden started preschool today! The preschool is at the elementary and is in an actual classroom. It reminds me more of pre-K than anything. I just can't believe how big he's getting! Of course I was happy - he looked like such a big boy!
But in the back of my mind, it hit me - I will never get to see Cameron on his first day of preschool. That thought stayed with me almost the entire day.

After we got home, I went outside to sit on the deck and I could feel the tears coming. I closed my eyes, thinking that would stop them. I opened them only to have buckets of tears run down my face. Seriously, I've never had tears that heavy before. That'll teach me to never do that again.
I just sometimes feel that if I close my eyes, I can make this all go away. But, as it was shown today, closing your eyes doesn't make a single thing go away, it just makes it invisible for that moment.

The minute I opened my eyes, and those tears fell, I knew nothing was ever going to be the same for me again. I've known this since the second I found out Cameron's heart stopped beating, but it REALLY hit me today.
I realized that every milestone in life that Aiden hits is only going to remind me of the one's Cameron will never get to experience.
I will never let that overshadow my happiness for Aiden, but it's always going to be there.

It's such a gut-wrenching feeling to know that my son will never run around our yard with his big brother or that he'll never get to experience the taste of ice cream on a hot summer's day. While these things don't define life, they do make it worth living - these tiny experiences make it more fulfilling.
I know Cameron is somewhere where none of that matters. Somewhere where things are beautiful all of the time. I know he's happy and that makes me happy. I'm happy for him, but not for myself.

I just hate knowing that MY son will never be here with me. What sense does that make?! How can that be possible? It's just not right...

Missin' my little man...

2008-09-22T10:31:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about Cameron in the past couple of days. I mean, he's always in my heart and my thoughts go to him constantly throughout the day, but just more so lately.

I cried while driving to work yesterday. Nothing too bad, but definitely some tears. I don't know if it was from seeing all of the pregnant women coming in or if it was from folding the baby boy clothes in the baby section the day before, but something was definitely getting to me. I tried smiling through the tears and telling Cameron I loved him, but it didn't take the sadness away this time.
I was OK by time I actually got to work, but would still stop throughout the day and fall into a semi-daydreaming state. At one point, I walked over to the baby section and grabbed onto a baby blue onesie - newborn size. I grabbed onto it and squeezed it, then ran my fingers down it. All I could think about was how I should be buying those cute little outfits for Cameron to wear in 3 months. I sighed, let out a half smile and went about my business.

Lastnight I was lying on the couch and just started singing. I don't know what brought on the urge, but I did it. I love singing, and it was one of my favorite things to do when I was pregnant with Cameron! Especially during those 3wks of bedrest! I would just lie there and sing to him for hours on end. I miss doing that, and I'm sad I can't really do it anymore. I still sing to him, but he's not where he should be and that's what makes it hard.
I love that I got that special time with him when I did though, and It's something I'll never forget as long as I live.

I then started thinking of his sweet face! God, those chubby little cheeks were just the most precious thing in the entire world! I'm just so incredibly sad that I don't get to see them come Christmas. It's so hard to think about that, but I know we'll do our own special thing for him come Christmas time!

...I just miss him. I have since July 31, and I will for the rest of my life.

Where am I with all of this?

2008-09-18T22:05:00.004-04:00

I just realized today that I haven't written in Cameron's journal in a long time. Also, I haven't pulled his things out of his box to look at them, to touch them, to hold them close to me, like I did so often in the first month.

What does this mean?

Well, I haven't quite figured that out yet, but I'm assuming it's a step forward in this horrible process? I still plan on writing in his journal from time to time, and I will still pull his things out of his box to stare at, to touch, and probably shed a tear or two over. But, I don't need those things as my crutch anymore. I used to pull them out when I was having a bad moment, but I've learned to just think about Cameron and think about the love I have for him in my heart. That, in itself, brings peace to me nowadays. Do I still miss him? More than words could ever possibly say! I always will.

It's a confusing feeling - to be stricken with something so horrible and to hurt so bad, and yet start finding peace with it. I don't really know how I'm doing it - it just sort of comes over you.

I also know that in an instant, that peaceful feeling can be torn from you. You feel like you're pushed back to square one. That part of it scares me. I hate feeling like I did in the first days/weeks of losing Cameron, and I don't ever want to go back to those days. It's happened before and I know it can happen again, but I try not to let it. I know deep down that you can't stop it entirely from coming. You can push it back, but it'll only hit you even harder a few days later. I've learned to just let it come because, even though it hurts, I know it'll pass. It sucks to know that I've got to build that part of me up again, but I believe it makes me stronger every time I do it.

I think I'll go write to Cameron right now. I don't know if it will make my night harder or not, but it's something I really want to do right now.

Minor (but annoying) setback!

2008-09-17T22:09:00.002-04:00

I'm a little disappointed and a little confused right now.

Ok, well first things first: I did talk with dh and he's on board with trying to conceive again right now. He explained that his only reason for wanting to wait until November was out of concern for me. He didn't want me to be wanting this only because I had just seen his best friend's newborn son. He was afraid me of getting pregnant too soon and becoming depressed or something happening to the baby.
I explained to him that I have been ready for a couple of weeks now. I'm 99.9% ready. That 1% of doubt will ALWAYS be there - out of fear and out of heartache from missing Cameron.
I told him that if I were to get pregnant and we lost the baby early on, then we do and we know it was too soon. As sad as I would be, and as harsh as this may sound, nothing will ever compare to a stillbirth. And if I can get through that, I can get through anything.

I do have to mention something though! As we were lying in bed talking about it, all of a sudden a green light was cast on the ceiling. I looked around because I had no idea what would be causing it! Well I looked down and, on a pillow, on the floor was Cameron's blanket - with my phone lying on top of it. It's the blanket he had with him in the hospital and the one I sleep with everynight. So my phone is lying on his blanket and it turned on out of nowhere! It was putting that green light on the ceiling. So I jokingly turned to Chev and said, "See honey, Cameron's giving us the green light too!" :)

Ok, back to my story. So the TTC talk is out of the way and we're good to go. Problem is, now all of a sudden my body is deciding to be funky. I had the typical post-partum bleeding after delivery for 2wks. Had nothing for 3wks after that and then got my first period. That lasted 5-6 days. Like any regular cycle right? Well that's what I thought!
I had been tempin and charting and all of that fun stuff, and everything pointed to be getting ready to ovulate by the end of this week! But, out of nowhere, the minute Chev and I talk and agree on ttc, I start, what I think is my 2nd period in 2 weeks!!

I'm bummed because...well, 1.) I don't know what's going on with my body now. and 2.) This means we will be put back on ttc.

Maybe it's a sign that we shouldn't be starting so soon, but idk!!!! I am soooo ready, and now this gets thrown in my way and it's just frustrating! My body was doing everything it was supposed to do in order to get back to normal, and now this.