So I'm sitting here with a half bottle of wine at my side, and I don't even stop for a second to think that's an unusual thing. Not that I am taking up drinking to drown my sorrows, but the look of it is not odd to me.
It's like something out of a movie. A grieving mother, sitting there with her bottle of wine as she pours her thoughts out to God knows how many strangers online. I can see it now!
...no wait, I'm actually living it. Fantastic.
September 11th is almost over. It's been a horrible day as everyone in this nation can imagine! For me, it's double the pain, because today I would have been 25wks pregnant. Today is exactly 6wk since Cameron was born and left us to be with Jesus. Today is exactly 9wks since this entire nightmare began. Thursdays are just all kinds of bad for me!
And what do you know...my birthday is on a Thursday. Exactly 2 weeks from Christmas - the day our little boy was to be born. Our birthdays and his due date with always fall on the same day of the week.
I don't know how Christmas will be this year, but I am going to try my hardest to make it wonderful. To do our own special little thing for Cameron and for our family. I don't want this to be ruined...I want it to be a celebration! A celebration of the time I had with Cameron and how he touched so many people's lives and what an impact he had on mine!
Well these are my mini-thoughts as we pass another September 11 - 7yrs....wow.
Me and my bottle are going out on the couch...goodnight.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Just as I thought
The appointment went as good as it could have. I mean, I would have rather been going in for my regular checkup to hear Cameron's heartbeat and to have my belly measured, but under the circumstances it went well.
When I got there, I started with the anxiety crap again. They made me sit out in the room, (which was FULL by the way) for a good 20min before seeing me. The woman at the front desk came to the window and asked how I was doing. She remembered me from when I was in and out of there so much for ultrasounds. I told her I was OK, and after that I had to fight the tears a few times.
I got the anxiety under control by closing my eyes and just breathing...I held my necklace (the one with Cam's name on it) so tight in my hands I had nail marks on my palms.
Finally they called me back and I saw my midwife. We went over some things, and like I predicted, we'll never know what happened. I asked her about the placenta and she brought the report back.
The measurements were fine, the thickness was fine...everything was fine. It did say the fluid was a yellow/opaque color, but there was no infection found. She asked if Cameron had had a bowel movement while still inside me, and I told her not that I knew of. She said the color could have indicated he was in distress, but we don't know.
The Dr.'s diagnosis at the top of the paper was infection, but like my midwife said - there was never an infection found, so I was a little confused at that. I'm assuming he just had to put something there(?). I don't know why he couldn't have just put "unknown", but then again, I'm not a Doctor.
They did find that the umbilical cord did not attach all the way to the placenta. She said this is a normal abnormal and there is usually no cause for concern. The vessels that are inside the actual cord were attached, and that's really all that matters, but the stalk itself stopped just before the placenta.
So, as I predicted, we really don't know what caused his heart to just stop. Infection would make sense to me since the fluid's color was yellow. When my water first broke, it was clear. By time the 1st week had passed, I was having yellow discharge. But, since no infection was found...I really have no idea, and I need to accept that.
She told me that she usually recommends 2-3 months before TTC, but if we feel we're ready before then, then we have the green light. She said the waiting is usually just to make sure you're past the hardest grieving stage, and are emotionally ready to take on another pregnancy.
So, I'll bring it up to Chev tonight and see what he thinks, and if he's OK with it, we should be able to start trying next week ...
When I got there, I started with the anxiety crap again. They made me sit out in the room, (which was FULL by the way) for a good 20min before seeing me. The woman at the front desk came to the window and asked how I was doing. She remembered me from when I was in and out of there so much for ultrasounds. I told her I was OK, and after that I had to fight the tears a few times.
I got the anxiety under control by closing my eyes and just breathing...I held my necklace (the one with Cam's name on it) so tight in my hands I had nail marks on my palms.
Finally they called me back and I saw my midwife. We went over some things, and like I predicted, we'll never know what happened. I asked her about the placenta and she brought the report back.
The measurements were fine, the thickness was fine...everything was fine. It did say the fluid was a yellow/opaque color, but there was no infection found. She asked if Cameron had had a bowel movement while still inside me, and I told her not that I knew of. She said the color could have indicated he was in distress, but we don't know.
The Dr.'s diagnosis at the top of the paper was infection, but like my midwife said - there was never an infection found, so I was a little confused at that. I'm assuming he just had to put something there(?). I don't know why he couldn't have just put "unknown", but then again, I'm not a Doctor.
They did find that the umbilical cord did not attach all the way to the placenta. She said this is a normal abnormal and there is usually no cause for concern. The vessels that are inside the actual cord were attached, and that's really all that matters, but the stalk itself stopped just before the placenta.
So, as I predicted, we really don't know what caused his heart to just stop. Infection would make sense to me since the fluid's color was yellow. When my water first broke, it was clear. By time the 1st week had passed, I was having yellow discharge. But, since no infection was found...I really have no idea, and I need to accept that.
She told me that she usually recommends 2-3 months before TTC, but if we feel we're ready before then, then we have the green light. She said the waiting is usually just to make sure you're past the hardest grieving stage, and are emotionally ready to take on another pregnancy.
So, I'll bring it up to Chev tonight and see what he thinks, and if he's OK with it, we should be able to start trying next week ...
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
First Dr. appointment...
My first Dr. appointment since Cameron left us is tomorrow...
I'm anxious to have my questioned answered, but there's a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can't explain it, but it makes me half sick.. I think just the thought of going in there is screwing with me.
Every other time I had been in there, I had a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby growing inside me.
Now I'm going in there with an empty belly and only memories of my baby boy. Heavy, aching arms and a broken heart. What woman should walk into a place like that feeling that way?
I scheduled my appointment early in the morning to avoid masses of pregnant women and newborns. They're usually not too busy in the morning, but you never know. Part of me wishes they could just zip me back into my room, but I don't want to feel like a total outcast.
Be back tomorrow afternoon with the update...
I'm anxious to have my questioned answered, but there's a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can't explain it, but it makes me half sick.. I think just the thought of going in there is screwing with me.
Every other time I had been in there, I had a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby growing inside me.
Now I'm going in there with an empty belly and only memories of my baby boy. Heavy, aching arms and a broken heart. What woman should walk into a place like that feeling that way?
I scheduled my appointment early in the morning to avoid masses of pregnant women and newborns. They're usually not too busy in the morning, but you never know. Part of me wishes they could just zip me back into my room, but I don't want to feel like a total outcast.
Be back tomorrow afternoon with the update...
Monday, September 8, 2008
Nothing makes sense
You know what I hate most about all of this? Besides that fact that it even had to happen? The fact that I can't make a damn bit of sense out of any of it! That's the hardest part for me about this entire process! I think and think and only get more and more pissed off.
I was staring at Cameron's picture a few minutes ago. Running my fingers over it, analyzing his perfect little face. What the hell did he do to deserve this?! He was so innocent in all of this, and he had to die. I looked at his cute pouty lips and remembered the time at my 13wk u/s when we saw him in there smacking his lips together - almost like he was chewing on something. It was so cute!
Then I come back to the picture...his tiny mouth never opened...never drew in a single breath of air. He was so adorable and so perfect in every single way!
I miss him so much. I think about how big my belly would be right now and how much I would be feeling him move around inside me! It bothers me that Chev never got to feel him move. Cameron was always so active at night, when Chev was at work. I love that I got to have him with me long enough to feel him kicking though - I am grateful for that. I just hate that I can't feel it anymore.
I hate the fact that I have to start all over. I would be 25wks this Thursday. Now, we're starting from scratch with an entirely different little soul.
Like I said, it's going to be hard, and I'm sure it's going to hurt at times, but I can't wait to have that little life inside me again - to feel the kicks, the movements, to know that we can bring another blessing into this world.
I don't think it would matter if we waited to get pregnant again. The fact is, is that the last time I WAS pregnant, it was Cameron inside of me. He's the last thing I knew about being pregnant, and whether we wait 1 month or 2 years, I'm not just going to forget that.
I just pray it doesn't take us long. It only took us 3 months to get pregnant with Cameron, so I'm not anticipating anything to stop us, but you just never know. I just wish I could see into the future and know that our next baby is going to be just fine...
I was staring at Cameron's picture a few minutes ago. Running my fingers over it, analyzing his perfect little face. What the hell did he do to deserve this?! He was so innocent in all of this, and he had to die. I looked at his cute pouty lips and remembered the time at my 13wk u/s when we saw him in there smacking his lips together - almost like he was chewing on something. It was so cute!
Then I come back to the picture...his tiny mouth never opened...never drew in a single breath of air. He was so adorable and so perfect in every single way!
I miss him so much. I think about how big my belly would be right now and how much I would be feeling him move around inside me! It bothers me that Chev never got to feel him move. Cameron was always so active at night, when Chev was at work. I love that I got to have him with me long enough to feel him kicking though - I am grateful for that. I just hate that I can't feel it anymore.
I hate the fact that I have to start all over. I would be 25wks this Thursday. Now, we're starting from scratch with an entirely different little soul.
Like I said, it's going to be hard, and I'm sure it's going to hurt at times, but I can't wait to have that little life inside me again - to feel the kicks, the movements, to know that we can bring another blessing into this world.
I don't think it would matter if we waited to get pregnant again. The fact is, is that the last time I WAS pregnant, it was Cameron inside of me. He's the last thing I knew about being pregnant, and whether we wait 1 month or 2 years, I'm not just going to forget that.
I just pray it doesn't take us long. It only took us 3 months to get pregnant with Cameron, so I'm not anticipating anything to stop us, but you just never know. I just wish I could see into the future and know that our next baby is going to be just fine...
Trying again...
Well, as you all know, we have been toying with the thought of TTC again. We weren't sure when we would start trying, but initially thought November.
Being a mother who has lost her baby, I have that emptiness inside me. The emptiness that needs to be filled now.
I got my first cycle this month, and am thinking that if my midwife thinks its OK, we will be trying for a June 2009 baby.
I really believe I'm ready, and it's the only thought in my head that makes me somewhat happy when I'm having a down moment. I am now past those feelings of utter guilt. I know Cameron wouldn't want me longing for another baby forever, and I know he would want Aiden to have a little brother or sister here on Earth with him. Aiden so wants me to have another baby!
I'm nervous, but that's expected. I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy my next pregnancy, but I'm not sure how that's going to go. When I was pregnant with Aiden, I was so care free. I thought that after 13wks. I didn't have anything to worry about. And my pregnancy went on without a single glitch.
Now, I'm 4yrs older and I know the dangers. I'm completely aware of what can happen! I've seen it happen to my close friend who lost her son at 37wks. to some freak occurrence
...and I've lived it myself.
I ask myself how I'm supposed to enjoy pregnancy after this. I know Cameron will be watching over me and I'll make sure to ask him to keep an extra eye on his little brother/sister. I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy it and remember that each baby is a true blessing! I won't be able to breath easy until that baby is born - alive and in my arms! I can't imagine how I'm going to feel or how special that moment is going to be to my family!!
Being a mother who has lost her baby, I have that emptiness inside me. The emptiness that needs to be filled now.
I got my first cycle this month, and am thinking that if my midwife thinks its OK, we will be trying for a June 2009 baby.
I really believe I'm ready, and it's the only thought in my head that makes me somewhat happy when I'm having a down moment. I am now past those feelings of utter guilt. I know Cameron wouldn't want me longing for another baby forever, and I know he would want Aiden to have a little brother or sister here on Earth with him. Aiden so wants me to have another baby!
I'm nervous, but that's expected. I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy my next pregnancy, but I'm not sure how that's going to go. When I was pregnant with Aiden, I was so care free. I thought that after 13wks. I didn't have anything to worry about. And my pregnancy went on without a single glitch.
Now, I'm 4yrs older and I know the dangers. I'm completely aware of what can happen! I've seen it happen to my close friend who lost her son at 37wks. to some freak occurrence
...and I've lived it myself.
I ask myself how I'm supposed to enjoy pregnancy after this. I know Cameron will be watching over me and I'll make sure to ask him to keep an extra eye on his little brother/sister. I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy it and remember that each baby is a true blessing! I won't be able to breath easy until that baby is born - alive and in my arms! I can't imagine how I'm going to feel or how special that moment is going to be to my family!!
Friday, September 5, 2008
The beauty in life...
Fall is fast approaching and honestly, it's somewhat of a relief. I don't know that Summer will ever be the same for me again.
I'm looking forward to Fall though! It's such a beautiful and peaceful time of year and I know it will reflect Cameron more than ever!
The days are getting better now, but my heart still aches - as I'm sure it always will. I miss him so much and everyday is just another day without my little boy.
I don't know if this pain will ever go away, but I'm living proof that it does get better. I'm living with Cameron's death in the only way I know how - to just let the pain come. To let my heart hurt how it needs to in order for it to try and heal itself.
There will always be a part of my heart missing, but I know Cameron has that missing piece and he always will. He'll hold it dear until we meet again one day.
The love between a mother and son is indescribable, and the loss of a son is just the same. I can't describe the pain to anyone. It just hurts insanely bad - that's all I can say.
It doesn't make sense to lose a child because it's not the "order of life". No child should die before their parent and no child should die before ever taking their first breath.
Having said that, I will never stop trying to find the beauty in this. In this moment, it is so awful and ugly, but one day I hope to wake up and see the "beautiful" reason behind it.
Cameron's death has already shown me so much! I pay more attention to the world around me - the beautiful things it has to offer. Every flower, every bird, butterfly or animal I pass, I take notice to! The ripples in the water, the leaves as they fall from the trees - it all catches my eye!
I think that all has a lot to do with my decision to pursue photography! Like I've said, I've always been interested in it and It has always fascinated me, but only recently have I been able to look at things and see them so beautifully.
I want to capture these things so they will forever be locked in time. So that I can forever remember this gift my angel has given me! I will think of it as my gift back to him and my gift to others - To give them the ability to see things the way I see them now!
So often we take so much for granted. I can't thank God enough for letting me live to experience these things. Things I took for granted - things I never paid much mind to until I lost my sweet baby boy. I'm sad that it took Cameron's passing to make me realize this. But, I will always cherish him and what he has shown me!
...I just wish there was a way to bring him back and promise that I would never take these little things around me for granted anymore.
I'm looking forward to Fall though! It's such a beautiful and peaceful time of year and I know it will reflect Cameron more than ever!
The days are getting better now, but my heart still aches - as I'm sure it always will. I miss him so much and everyday is just another day without my little boy.
I don't know if this pain will ever go away, but I'm living proof that it does get better. I'm living with Cameron's death in the only way I know how - to just let the pain come. To let my heart hurt how it needs to in order for it to try and heal itself.
There will always be a part of my heart missing, but I know Cameron has that missing piece and he always will. He'll hold it dear until we meet again one day.
The love between a mother and son is indescribable, and the loss of a son is just the same. I can't describe the pain to anyone. It just hurts insanely bad - that's all I can say.
It doesn't make sense to lose a child because it's not the "order of life". No child should die before their parent and no child should die before ever taking their first breath.
Having said that, I will never stop trying to find the beauty in this. In this moment, it is so awful and ugly, but one day I hope to wake up and see the "beautiful" reason behind it.
Cameron's death has already shown me so much! I pay more attention to the world around me - the beautiful things it has to offer. Every flower, every bird, butterfly or animal I pass, I take notice to! The ripples in the water, the leaves as they fall from the trees - it all catches my eye!
I think that all has a lot to do with my decision to pursue photography! Like I've said, I've always been interested in it and It has always fascinated me, but only recently have I been able to look at things and see them so beautifully.
I want to capture these things so they will forever be locked in time. So that I can forever remember this gift my angel has given me! I will think of it as my gift back to him and my gift to others - To give them the ability to see things the way I see them now!
So often we take so much for granted. I can't thank God enough for letting me live to experience these things. Things I took for granted - things I never paid much mind to until I lost my sweet baby boy. I'm sad that it took Cameron's passing to make me realize this. But, I will always cherish him and what he has shown me!
...I just wish there was a way to bring him back and promise that I would never take these little things around me for granted anymore.
Monday, September 1, 2008
It takes one step at a time
Lastnight was hard, I won't lie. The one month marker had been eating away at me all day, and I just let it go lastnight. Between it being a month and me holding that sweet baby boy, the day proved to be a bit too much for me.
It's OK though...I feel a little bit better this morning. Chev and I had a talk lastnight and I told him everything that had been bothering me. He finally let himself get angry infront of me...he even cried infront of me for the first time. I don't want to see him hurt, but to see him in the way that I've been for the past month, made me feel...I don't know...I don't know the word to use.
I do wish that I could have encounters like the one I had on the 4th night after Cameron passed. It was the night of August 4th...actually...it might have actually been August 5th because I think it was around 12:30-1:00am. Anyway, I was lying in bed and I closed my eyes. I got into that half-asleep, half-awake stage and I heard a woman's voice. I didn't recognize the voice, but it was clearly a woman's. She said, "Hollie, do you hear that? That's Cameron, he's here." I sat up in bed completely confused, but with a great sense of comfort in my heart. It didn't hit me until later that the woman's voice I heard could have very well been my grandmother - my father's mother. She died of Cancer when my dad was 18...in the same hospital where we lost Cameron. I never met her, so that would explain why I didn't recognize her voice. I also feel she was there with me when I delivered Cameron. After I had him, there was a great peace that surrounded me. I didn't cry...I just felt very peaceful.
I still get little signs everynow and then. The other day I was having a bad day and I got 2 texts that day. One from a friend of mine who NEVER texts me. Like, it's probably been about a year since she texted me. It said, "Dear God, the girl who is reading this is beautiful. Please help her live everyday to it's fullest." About an hour later I got another one from another friend saying, "God told me to tell you that everything your going through is being taken care of..."
Or how I'll get things in the mail on a bad day and it makes that day so much better. Or how I'll be sitting outside on a calm, nice day and when I start really really thinking about everything, a strong gust of wind comes through or a butterfly flutters by, right in front of me.
I LOVE THESE THINGS!!
I know Cameron is all around me, and I don't need signs from him to let me know that. It's just nice to have them!! It's very comforting to me, and I know he knows that and that's why he continues to send them my way.
I was also explaining to Chev what it feels like when Cameron is right here with me. Some nights, I'll be sitting here by myself, and I'll close my eyes and out of nowhere I get chills that envelope my entire body...and then I feel weightless. It's the most amazing, crazy, feeling ever and unless you've experienced it, you have no idea what I'm talking about.
It's OK though...I feel a little bit better this morning. Chev and I had a talk lastnight and I told him everything that had been bothering me. He finally let himself get angry infront of me...he even cried infront of me for the first time. I don't want to see him hurt, but to see him in the way that I've been for the past month, made me feel...I don't know...I don't know the word to use.
I do wish that I could have encounters like the one I had on the 4th night after Cameron passed. It was the night of August 4th...actually...it might have actually been August 5th because I think it was around 12:30-1:00am. Anyway, I was lying in bed and I closed my eyes. I got into that half-asleep, half-awake stage and I heard a woman's voice. I didn't recognize the voice, but it was clearly a woman's. She said, "Hollie, do you hear that? That's Cameron, he's here." I sat up in bed completely confused, but with a great sense of comfort in my heart. It didn't hit me until later that the woman's voice I heard could have very well been my grandmother - my father's mother. She died of Cancer when my dad was 18...in the same hospital where we lost Cameron. I never met her, so that would explain why I didn't recognize her voice. I also feel she was there with me when I delivered Cameron. After I had him, there was a great peace that surrounded me. I didn't cry...I just felt very peaceful.
I still get little signs everynow and then. The other day I was having a bad day and I got 2 texts that day. One from a friend of mine who NEVER texts me. Like, it's probably been about a year since she texted me. It said, "Dear God, the girl who is reading this is beautiful. Please help her live everyday to it's fullest." About an hour later I got another one from another friend saying, "God told me to tell you that everything your going through is being taken care of..."
Or how I'll get things in the mail on a bad day and it makes that day so much better. Or how I'll be sitting outside on a calm, nice day and when I start really really thinking about everything, a strong gust of wind comes through or a butterfly flutters by, right in front of me.
I LOVE THESE THINGS!!
I know Cameron is all around me, and I don't need signs from him to let me know that. It's just nice to have them!! It's very comforting to me, and I know he knows that and that's why he continues to send them my way.
I was also explaining to Chev what it feels like when Cameron is right here with me. Some nights, I'll be sitting here by myself, and I'll close my eyes and out of nowhere I get chills that envelope my entire body...and then I feel weightless. It's the most amazing, crazy, feeling ever and unless you've experienced it, you have no idea what I'm talking about.
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