Long time

It seems so empty around here anymore - blogland that is.



Everyone has either just dissapeared or they are busy updating new blogs, with their new babies. I'm the same way! This place used to be my crutch, but I don't need it as much as I used to anymore. It's still the first place I come to write when I'm in a down moment, but those moments are far and few between now. Not that I've never written a happy post - I've written quite a few actually - but, it's more than likely that someone will write more when they're in a bad place, you know?



I haven't been in a bad place in awhile now! I've had a couple of down moments, but nothing bad.



Still thinking of my little man every single day. :) and he makes sure of that too! Just the little things that happen! Take for instance the fact that he was born at 6:55. Everyday I will look at the clock, not even thinking about what time it is, and it will be 6:55. I just smile. And my dreams....oh, the dreams. They bring me more comfort than anything else - they always have. It's the only place I can go to and be with Cameron. I remember one of the first dreams I had about him. I was actually pregnant with Allie at the time, but I didn't know she was a girl yet.



I blogged about it here, but it was basically that Cameron was wheeled into my hospital room, in a bassinet, and I got to hold him, and love on him, and look into his eyes. He smiled at me. Then, in a split second, it wasn't him anymore. It was a baby girl. I was confused and hurt, but at the same time, I was still drawn to this new baby. I wanted to take her home...I knew she was mine.



2 months later we found out we were having a little girl. I took that dream as a sign from Cameron, that Allie is part of him. Some of the things she does, some of her features - they are him. Just as it is with Aiden. I see all of my children in one another, and it makes my heart melt.


My love. Don't you worry your cute little head. I will never forget you. I think about you daily, and you're in my heart always. We love you munchkin!

A long time coming...

Some strange feeling as come over me in the last week or so. I feel horribly guilty for it, but at the same time, there's a sense of freedom attached to it. I use the term "freedom" lightly here because I don't want to make it seem as if I'm wanting to "free" myself of Cameron. I never could, nor would I ever want to.

I just want to free myself of the heartache and pain that has engulfed me in the past year.

I was sitting at the dining room table, Aiden was playing the Wii, Chev was in the kitchen, and Allie was sleeping on the couch. I looked at Cameron's picture and urn on the entertainment stand. It hit me then - THIS is my family. And I'm happy with it.

I love Cameron just as much as I love Aiden and Allie - that's no secret - and, as I check on Aiden and Allie before I got to sleep, that feeling hits me again. I'm happy. I'm truly happy for the fist time since losing Cameron.

Part of me feels guilty for feeling that, but it's what I've been waiting for, for so long. And I know Cameron would never want it any different. For the first time since losing Cameron, I've gone an entire week without shedding a single tear, and I must say it feels mighty good. I held back from feeling this way for a long time, because somewhere in my mind, not hurting and not crying meant I didn't miss him, or that I didn't care anymore.

I've always said you never "get over" or "move on" from what happened. You just learn to live with it - and I think that's what I'm starting to do. I'm learning to see my family as being whole. Why shouldn't I? Yes, one of my children isn't here, but that doesn't mean he's not in my heart. It's taken me a year and half to do this. I'm sure I will have relapses, but that's normal. My heart will still ache from time to time, and I know I'll cry once in awhile. All normal.

I deserve to have a real smile on my face, and my children deserve to see their mother laugh whole-hearted once again.

Three little stockings, all hung with care...

This is the first year that we have ever done stockings, and to look up and see three of them hanging there, hurts so bad.

There are three stockings here in this house. I can physically see them and touch them. But, there are only two children in this house that I can say the same for. It's so messed up.

Aiden and Allie's both have red with swirls and bells, and then there's Cameron's green one with red and polka dots. It kills me to know that only two of those stocking will only be filled. Every year, for the rest of my life, that's how it's going to be.

I've been in a bit of funk lately. I can't explain it. I just feel so dead inside, but not in a way that's so horrible that I let it affect me on the outside - if that even makes sense. It's just that emptiness that I'm always going to feel. I know it's there -I've gotten used to it- but sometimes it shows itself more than ever, and my heart feels like it's breaking all over again.

I love Christmas. I love the meaning behind Christmas, and that's why I don't want to get too down on myself. This holiday is for Jesus Christ and no one else. There is no other meaning behind it. I rest assured in knowing that this Holiday, we celebrate He who gave His life for our sins. It's Him who I look to in my worst moments, and it's because of Him that I will one day get to see my son again.

It's the waiting that's just so hard. It's like I'm being torn apart. Not a single part of me wants to leave my children - my family - behind anytime soon. But then there's the part of me that wants to see and hold Cameron so bad. If I could have ANY Christmas wish, it would be that Cameron could come to be with us, even if just for a day, in complete human form. So I could hold him, hug him, touch his little hands, and kiss his sweet forehead once again. Except this time, unlike the last time I held him, his beautiful eyes would be wide open, gazing into mine, and he'd be gripping my finger with his tiny hand.

What I wouldn't give to have a moment just like that this Christmas. But, I know that can't happen, so I'll have to settle for my dreams. It's the closest I ever get to Cameron, and I cherish each and every one of them...

Trudging along...

I can honestly say that this December has been a little easier than last year. We'll see how I do on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but the fact that I'm doing better than last year already, is promising.

Does it mean I'm moving on? Not a chance. Never will. It just gets easier with time - as does everything in life that hurts us. I look at his ornament on the tree, and I miss him terribly, but I stop and think of how fantastic he must be doing, and how proud he must be of all of us. I can only imagine what he thinks as he looks down on his big brother and little sister. I know he loves them just as much as Aiden loves him, and as much as Allie will love him when she's old enough to know all about him.

I need to put up all of their stockings. While I'm so very happy to be putting 3 little stockings up, it's going to be hard to fill two, and have the other one be empty. I think I'll get Cam a little Christmas teddy to hang out of his. I could never let him go with nothing in there...

I need to get in the shopping mood, that's for sure! I haven't bought a single gift. Speaking of the store, I was there with Allie the other day, and a women stopped me. She was ogling over Allie, and said she had "one at home" who was about the same size. She asked how old Allie was and I told her, "About four and half months.". She then said, "Oh! Same here! July 31st!". It always makes me skip a beat when I hear that date. Just as I do whenever I hear the name Cameron. I realized I let out a little gasp, and a smile, and part of me wanted to say, "Mine too!!!!", but I quickly said, "Oh, She's the 28th!".

...I love the little things like that, that pop up so randomly.

So long ago

I think it's finally starting to hit me that Cameron's been gone this long. Before, it seemed as if we had just lost him weeks ago.

I look at his u/s picture, and now it really does feel like forever. I don't know if it's because Allie's here and she's growing so fast, or what, but I do know that something has changed.

Do I like it? Not really. While thinking of him only being gone for weeks was hard, the realization that he's been gone for over a year, kills.

This past Thanksgiving was the last of the "firsts" for us. This Christmas would have been Cameron's 2nd...but now it will be Allie's 1st.

I'm glad to be done with all of the "firsts", but having it go on to the seconds, is making this harder even yet. It just makes me think of everything Cam is missing and what he'll only continue to miss...

forever love

My love

When will this reality fully hit me? When will I stop being shocked at the fact that you're not with us? I think about you all of the time, and am happy when doing so, but then that horrid thought hits me - it hits me like it did the minute I found out you were gone. Why does this still happen a year later? I know you're gone. I've known that for over 15 months now, but why can't my mind and heart fully grasp that?

I stare at your sister and then I raise my eyes and I'm met with the sight of your urn sitting in front of me. I have a baby in my arms - a baby that should be you. It's all so complicated in my head. I'm not sure any part of me will ever truly "get" this. How does a mother differentiate between the conflicting feelings that engulf her heart as she holds her rainbow baby, but thinks so longingly of her precious angel.

I close my eyes and I can see you. I trace every part of your body with my eyes - never forgetting any single part of it. Oh sweetheart, if you only knew how much love my heart has for you. How much I miss you. How much I wish I could be planning your first birthday. This kills me...

I've come to the conclusion that my tears for you will never end. They stop on occasion, but they will never, ever be gone. I think lovingly of you, and I smile, but even so, my eyes never stay dry for long. What am I supposed to do with myself without you Cameron?

I hate living with a piece of my heart missing. How can anyone enjoy life fully like that? I live though - I live for Daddy, for Aiden, and for Allie. If it weren't for them, I don't think I'd be here right now. They keep me here, even when there are days that I so wish I could be with you. They need me... and I've learned more than ever, that I need them too.

I just want to see your face. Just one more time before the long wait I have until I'm with you. I think that's what makes this so hard. If there were a way for me to check in on you - to see your beautiful face - I could handle this. I'm your mother. I'm protective. It tears me apart inside to know that I can't be there for you!!

I love you.

Seriously?

Ok, I'm a little peeved at the moment! First off, the Walk to Remember was beautiful, but we had some serious issues.

First, we were late, and when we got there, we had learned that our shirt that we pre-ordered and registered for, had been given to other people. People that just showed up. Who's babies name wasn't on the shirt. People who hadn't registered or paid.

Apparently this was due to a misunderstanding between the volunteers. They were not supposed to sell our shirt, but instead, sell the shirts they had left over.

Not only that, but when I opened the program, they had Cameron's birthday wrong!! How do you mix up July and April, when I wrote it clear as day for you??

I emailed the director, who is an absolute sweetheart. She apologized left and right, for the shirt mistake. I didn't tell her about the program, because she was doing her best to fix the shirt issues. She offered us two free hoodies in addition to our shirts. I accepted.

Well, I get them today and guess what? Cameron's name isn't even on there!!! I'm so upset! If this was anything else, I'd let it go, but this is my baby! Fist you mess up his birthday and then you don't even include his name on the shirt with all of the other babies?!?!

My friend Heather went with us, and her baby Wyatt's name in on the shirts, so I'm just going to give her my sweatshirts. I guess all that can be done now is a refund of the money we paid to have this stuff done. I hate doing that, because I know the money goes to help with the walk, but I also paid it with the intention of getting a shirt with my babies name on it, you know??