Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Three little stockings, all hung with care...

This is the first year that we have ever done stockings, and to look up and see three of them hanging there, hurts so bad.

There are three stockings here in this house. I can physically see them and touch them. But, there are only two children in this house that I can say the same for. It's so messed up.

Aiden and Allie's both have red with swirls and bells, and then there's Cameron's green one with red and polka dots. It kills me to know that only two of those stocking will only be filled. Every year, for the rest of my life, that's how it's going to be.

I've been in a bit of funk lately. I can't explain it. I just feel so dead inside, but not in a way that's so horrible that I let it affect me on the outside - if that even makes sense. It's just that emptiness that I'm always going to feel. I know it's there -I've gotten used to it- but sometimes it shows itself more than ever, and my heart feels like it's breaking all over again.

I love Christmas. I love the meaning behind Christmas, and that's why I don't want to get too down on myself. This holiday is for Jesus Christ and no one else. There is no other meaning behind it. I rest assured in knowing that this Holiday, we celebrate He who gave His life for our sins. It's Him who I look to in my worst moments, and it's because of Him that I will one day get to see my son again.

It's the waiting that's just so hard. It's like I'm being torn apart. Not a single part of me wants to leave my children - my family - behind anytime soon. But then there's the part of me that wants to see and hold Cameron so bad. If I could have ANY Christmas wish, it would be that Cameron could come to be with us, even if just for a day, in complete human form. So I could hold him, hug him, touch his little hands, and kiss his sweet forehead once again. Except this time, unlike the last time I held him, his beautiful eyes would be wide open, gazing into mine, and he'd be gripping my finger with his tiny hand.

What I wouldn't give to have a moment just like that this Christmas. But, I know that can't happen, so I'll have to settle for my dreams. It's the closest I ever get to Cameron, and I cherish each and every one of them...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Trudging along...

I can honestly say that this December has been a little easier than last year. We'll see how I do on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but the fact that I'm doing better than last year already, is promising.

Does it mean I'm moving on? Not a chance. Never will. It just gets easier with time - as does everything in life that hurts us. I look at his ornament on the tree, and I miss him terribly, but I stop and think of how fantastic he must be doing, and how proud he must be of all of us. I can only imagine what he thinks as he looks down on his big brother and little sister. I know he loves them just as much as Aiden loves him, and as much as Allie will love him when she's old enough to know all about him.

I need to put up all of their stockings. While I'm so very happy to be putting 3 little stockings up, it's going to be hard to fill two, and have the other one be empty. I think I'll get Cam a little Christmas teddy to hang out of his. I could never let him go with nothing in there...

I need to get in the shopping mood, that's for sure! I haven't bought a single gift. Speaking of the store, I was there with Allie the other day, and a women stopped me. She was ogling over Allie, and said she had "one at home" who was about the same size. She asked how old Allie was and I told her, "About four and half months.". She then said, "Oh! Same here! July 31st!". It always makes me skip a beat when I hear that date. Just as I do whenever I hear the name Cameron. I realized I let out a little gasp, and a smile, and part of me wanted to say, "Mine too!!!!", but I quickly said, "Oh, She's the 28th!".

...I love the little things like that, that pop up so randomly.