Wednesday, December 23, 2009
There are three stockings here in this house. I can physically see them and touch them. But, there are only two children in this house that I can say the same for. It's so messed up.
Aiden and Allie's both have red with swirls and bells, and then there's Cameron's green one with red and polka dots. It kills me to know that only two of those stocking will only be filled. Every year, for the rest of my life, that's how it's going to be.
I've been in a bit of funk lately. I can't explain it. I just feel so dead inside, but not in a way that's so horrible that I let it affect me on the outside - if that even makes sense. It's just that emptiness that I'm always going to feel. I know it's there -I've gotten used to it- but sometimes it shows itself more than ever, and my heart feels like it's breaking all over again.
I love Christmas. I love the meaning behind Christmas, and that's why I don't want to get too down on myself. This holiday is for Jesus Christ and no one else. There is no other meaning behind it. I rest assured in knowing that this Holiday, we celebrate He who gave His life for our sins. It's Him who I look to in my worst moments, and it's because of Him that I will one day get to see my son again.
It's the waiting that's just so hard. It's like I'm being torn apart. Not a single part of me wants to leave my children - my family - behind anytime soon. But then there's the part of me that wants to see and hold Cameron so bad. If I could have ANY Christmas wish, it would be that Cameron could come to be with us, even if just for a day, in complete human form. So I could hold him, hug him, touch his little hands, and kiss his sweet forehead once again. Except this time, unlike the last time I held him, his beautiful eyes would be wide open, gazing into mine, and he'd be gripping my finger with his tiny hand.
What I wouldn't give to have a moment just like that this Christmas. But, I know that can't happen, so I'll have to settle for my dreams. It's the closest I ever get to Cameron, and I cherish each and every one of them...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Does it mean I'm moving on? Not a chance. Never will. It just gets easier with time - as does everything in life that hurts us. I look at his ornament on the tree, and I miss him terribly, but I stop and think of how fantastic he must be doing, and how proud he must be of all of us. I can only imagine what he thinks as he looks down on his big brother and little sister. I know he loves them just as much as Aiden loves him, and as much as Allie will love him when she's old enough to know all about him.
I need to put up all of their stockings. While I'm so very happy to be putting 3 little stockings up, it's going to be hard to fill two, and have the other one be empty. I think I'll get Cam a little Christmas teddy to hang out of his. I could never let him go with nothing in there...
I need to get in the shopping mood, that's for sure! I haven't bought a single gift. Speaking of the store, I was there with Allie the other day, and a women stopped me. She was ogling over Allie, and said she had "one at home" who was about the same size. She asked how old Allie was and I told her, "About four and half months.". She then said, "Oh! Same here! July 31st!". It always makes me skip a beat when I hear that date. Just as I do whenever I hear the name Cameron. I realized I let out a little gasp, and a smile, and part of me wanted to say, "Mine too!!!!", but I quickly said, "Oh, She's the 28th!".
...I love the little things like that, that pop up so randomly.
Friday, November 27, 2009
I look at his u/s picture, and now it really does feel like forever. I don't know if it's because Allie's here and she's growing so fast, or what, but I do know that something has changed.
Do I like it? Not really. While thinking of him only being gone for weeks was hard, the realization that he's been gone for over a year, kills.
This past Thanksgiving was the last of the "firsts" for us. This Christmas would have been Cameron's 2nd...but now it will be Allie's 1st.
I'm glad to be done with all of the "firsts", but having it go on to the seconds, is making this harder even yet. It just makes me think of everything Cam is missing and what he'll only continue to miss...
Friday, November 13, 2009
When will this reality fully hit me? When will I stop being shocked at the fact that you're not with us? I think about you all of the time, and am happy when doing so, but then that horrid thought hits me - it hits me like it did the minute I found out you were gone. Why does this still happen a year later? I know you're gone. I've known that for over 15 months now, but why can't my mind and heart fully grasp that?
I stare at your sister and then I raise my eyes and I'm met with the sight of your urn sitting in front of me. I have a baby in my arms - a baby that should be you. It's all so complicated in my head. I'm not sure any part of me will ever truly "get" this. How does a mother differentiate between the conflicting feelings that engulf her heart as she holds her rainbow baby, but thinks so longingly of her precious angel.
I close my eyes and I can see you. I trace every part of your body with my eyes - never forgetting any single part of it. Oh sweetheart, if you only knew how much love my heart has for you. How much I miss you. How much I wish I could be planning your first birthday. This kills me...
I've come to the conclusion that my tears for you will never end. They stop on occasion, but they will never, ever be gone. I think lovingly of you, and I smile, but even so, my eyes never stay dry for long. What am I supposed to do with myself without you Cameron?
I hate living with a piece of my heart missing. How can anyone enjoy life fully like that? I live though - I live for Daddy, for Aiden, and for Allie. If it weren't for them, I don't think I'd be here right now. They keep me here, even when there are days that I so wish I could be with you. They need me... and I've learned more than ever, that I need them too.
I just want to see your face. Just one more time before the long wait I have until I'm with you. I think that's what makes this so hard. If there were a way for me to check in on you - to see your beautiful face - I could handle this. I'm your mother. I'm protective. It tears me apart inside to know that I can't be there for you!!
I love you.
Friday, October 30, 2009
First, we were late, and when we got there, we had learned that our shirt that we pre-ordered and registered for, had been given to other people. People that just showed up. Who's babies name wasn't on the shirt. People who hadn't registered or paid.
Apparently this was due to a misunderstanding between the volunteers. They were not supposed to sell our shirt, but instead, sell the shirts they had left over.
Not only that, but when I opened the program, they had Cameron's birthday wrong!! How do you mix up July and April, when I wrote it clear as day for you??
I emailed the director, who is an absolute sweetheart. She apologized left and right, for the shirt mistake. I didn't tell her about the program, because she was doing her best to fix the shirt issues. She offered us two free hoodies in addition to our shirts. I accepted.
Well, I get them today and guess what? Cameron's name isn't even on there!!! I'm so upset! If this was anything else, I'd let it go, but this is my baby! Fist you mess up his birthday and then you don't even include his name on the shirt with all of the other babies?!?!
My friend Heather went with us, and her baby Wyatt's name in on the shirts, so I'm just going to give her my sweatshirts. I guess all that can be done now is a refund of the money we paid to have this stuff done. I hate doing that, because I know the money goes to help with the walk, but I also paid it with the intention of getting a shirt with my babies name on it, you know??
Monday, October 19, 2009
My attention then went to his scrapbook that my wonderful "Turkey" girls had made for us. I opened it and looked at every single page once again. I love looking at it. It takes my breath away, it gives me chills, and it never fails to bring tears to my eyes when I open it.
It just got me thinking how absolutely amazing these people in my life are. They have done more for me by remembering Cameron than my own family has. And by family, I mean grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. My parents and my brothers have been absolutely amazing! They've never forgotten him for a second, and they always remember special dates.
It just warms my heart to look at those pictures, and to know that on that one day, they all took a minute out of their day to remember my sweet little boy. From my oldest brother bringing flowers to me, and sitting with me, crying with me, as we talked about Cameron and how fragile life on Earth really is, to my youngest brother remembering to release balloons in Brazil while visiting his girlfriend. It's all just amazing.
I picked up his urn after going through the book again and I squeezed that thing like I was holding on for dear life. I kissed it, I rubbed it on my cheek, and then I got that every too familiar crushing feeling in my chest. The one that makes you gasp for a quick breath.You all know what I'm talking about. (what is that anyway?)
Part of me wanted to open it. But I don't think I ever will again. I've only ever opened it once. It was shortly after he passed. I was sitting at my dinning room table, and I unscrewed the lid. I don't know why, but part of me was scared to death. Then I just sat there and stared at the white ashes. It took my mind a bit to process what I was looking at. And then I actually stuck my fingers in there and pinched a bit of the ashes between my thumb and index finger. I brought them out and sprinkled them in my palm. I then swirled them around until they had all but absorbed into my own skin. Kind of how talc powder does. I can honestly look back and say that I have absolutely no clue why I did any of that. But I did, and for some reason, it made me feel better for half a second. Is that weird?
There are just so many emotions involved in this. For a few minutes I was elated - I was happy that my little man is remembered. And then I stare at Cameron's urn, and realize that's all I have left of him. That's the only way I get to hold him...in the palm of my hand. That tiny, beautiful, cold little urn. That's my baby...
Thursday, October 15, 2009
After I got home, I lit my Cameron's candle, along with all of the other babies' candles.
The most amazing thing happened when I was sitting here as the candles burned. All of a sudden I heard this spilling/runny noise. Honestly, I thought Allie crapped her pants. My mouth fell open and I walked over to her in her bassinet. She was sleeping as content as could be! I checked her pants and she was absolutely clean. I looked over at the table, and somehow a hole had formed in the side of Cameron's candle, and wax spilled on the table. As I moved the candle, and lifted it off the wax, this is what I found:
It looks like a little angel!!! I couldn't believe it! I stuck my finger in it to try and pick it up, because I'm going to save it, but it wasn't dry yet and I burnt my finger, lol. It may be just a fluke, but c'mon! How in the world does something like that just happen!?
I know it was a sign from my little boy!!
For the first time EVER, there will be a candlelight vigil held at the Fire Department. Thanks to myself and some dear friends of mine, we were able to set this up! I'm wanting this day to get more recognition than it's been getting. We deserve this one day to remember our babies. We get the entire month dedicated to boobs, and I'm ready to see that we get the attention we deserve too!!!
I see pink ribbons up everywhere for Breast Cancer Awareness. But, where are the pink and blue ribbons for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness!? I'm determined to make a difference, and I'll go to my grave trying! I will not stand for this to be a "taboo" topic any longer! It's real life. It happens. It deserves just as much attention(if not more) as our ta-ta's!
I will be lighting candles for Allie Grace, Gregory, Jenna, Ada, Lily and all of the other babies of my dear friends in blog land.
We're not expecting a huge turnout, as we just got word today. I've been spreading the news as best I can on Facebook and Myspace, so hopefully we'll get some people on over. Next year we'll be more ready and can hopefully get a decent crowd!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
It was a rainy, cloud day, but when we all went down to the water to release the balloons, the clouds parted and the sun came through. It was amazing and beautiful!
I do have to share a picture with you guys! Every night while I'm rocking Allie to sleep, she does this - she'll grab a hold of Cameron's necklace and hold on tight to it before she falls fast asleep. :)
Checking out the water before Cameron's name was called
Thursday, September 24, 2009
However, something made me sooo happy the other day!
Aiden had come home from school, and I took out all of his stuff from his backpack. They had made a little journal about themselves, containing pictures they had drawn in accordance with the sentence at the bottom of the page. One page said, "I have____eyes". Aiden filled in the word "green", and then drew an eye and colored it green. You get the point...
One page said, "There are ____people in my family!". He filled it in the the number "5", and had drawn a picture of two big people and 3 little people. I just looked at him and smiled and he goes, "See, I remember! I'm a good big brother!" I just grabbed him and kissed him and told him he was the best big brother in the entire world. He looked and me and said a simple, "Thanks!", and then took off outside. LOL
Just the little things like that, that let me know that people haven't forgotten him, make me so incredibly happy!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
The heartache is still very much alive in me. Even as I sit here and stare at Allie, the pain is there.
I don't know if it's just the realization that I will never feel complete - ever - until the day I'm able to hold Cameron in my arms again. If it's the just raw, emotional pain of knowing that my baby boy is gone. It's probably a lot of both. It's very surreal - even still.
Sometimes, when I'm driving in my car, I remember everything that has actually happened to us, and I'll close my eyes and shake my head. Almost as if I'm trying to shake away this horrible memory. I still cannot believe it happened to us. Then, reality hits me, and I have this immense feeling of pain go through me. Not physical pain, but a pain that cuts so deep into your heart, that it takes your breath away.
I stare at his little footprints on the little crystal that is hanging from my review mirror. Honestly, looking at those tiny feet and those precious toes, is the only thing that can make everything all better for me in that moment. I don't know why, but it makes me smile. I think because I know that's what he would want, and I know that he's right here with me.
You know what else is so incredibly hard? I pulled out the pregnancy tests that I have in his box from when i first found out I was pregnant with him. I can't describe what goes through my head when i look at them. I stare at those two pink lines - the lines that told me I had a precious baby boy growing so happily inside of me. They are one of the few things I have, besides his foot/hand prints, that shows that he really was here with us. God, how I wish I could turn back time. Go back to that day when I first found out I was pregnant. I was sooooo happy! I never dreamed, in a million years, what was to come.
Then I go back to blaming myself. The night before, Chev and I had a birthday party to go to. I took a dollar tree pregnancy test before we left, just to make double sure that I wasn't pregnant, incase I wanted to drink. I took it, and to my disappointment, it looked just as the one the day before did. Blank.
So, we went to the party, and I ended up drinking almost an entire 6 pack of froo-froo girlie drinks. I specifically remember going to the bathroom with my cousin, and when we walked out, I looked at her and said, "Oh shit...Katie. I think I'm pregnant.". Now why I said this, I have no idea. But I stopped drinking for the rest of the night.
The next morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom. For whatever reason, I decided to pull that test out I had taken the night before. I looked at it and had to blink several times. Right there, in front of me, in the spot that looked 100% blank the night before, was a faint pink line. So, of course, I took another one, and sure enough....a light pink line showed up. Why didn't it show up the night before?! I freaked a little, but reminded myself that women sometimes don't even find out they're pregnant until 3 months or so, and in that time, they continue to do things they always did. They end up with healthy pregnancies.
Long story short, I think that's where my guilt comes from. I have to wonder if that one night of selfish enjoyment is what caused my sweet little boy's demise. What if me drinking did something to weaken the amniotic sac - or maybe it was the cause of his umbilical cord covering not being attached to the placenta. The Dr. said that factor wasn't a huge concern, because they see it often, but I still just look at is as another thing that was wrong with the way my body created his little home. The things that were supposed to give him life, support him, and nourish him, were faulty. I blame myself for that. He was perfect. He was healthy. I failed him.
I've just been having a hard time lately...
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I just can't help but look at Allie - to see how happy she is when I hold her, how content she is - and think that Cameron never got to feel that happiness. I see her smile when I talk to her and coo when Aiden is talking to her. It sends a feeling of immense happiness through me, but at the same time, my mind will go straight to Cameron.
Why did my body fail him? He depended on me to get him here safe and sound and I couldn't do that. Why?? My body didn't fail my other two children, so why did it have to fail him? Why did he get dealt that card?
There's a little song I sang to Allie when I was pregnant with her, and that I now sing to her as she's lying quietly in my arms, drifting off to sleep. The other day, I was singing to her and the tears just started flowing. I looked down at her and her little head was drenched with my tears. Part of it was out of sheer joy. I couldn't begin to explain the feelings that go through me when I look at her - when it's just Allie and mommy time at night, before she falls asleep.
The other part is just pure sadness. This lullaby will always be hers and only hers, but I think of Cameron too when I sing to her.
What if I still cry 4yrs down the road when I'm singing her to sleep at night. Is she going to understand why mommy is crying during HER song? Aiden understands all too well, but he was here through all of it. I've never cried so much in my entire life as I have this past year, and he's been there for every second of it.
In a way, it's almost as if Cameron and Allie are intertwined. Does that make sense? I suppose it just boils down to the fact that she wouldn't be here had he not passed away. Everything she will ever do, I will always stop and think of that. She would not be doing any of it, had her big brother survived. How does one process that?!
Even with those thoughts in the back of my mind, I will never let them overshadow my happiness for her, and the excitement of her milestones in life.
It's a crazy, beautiful thing to have a baby after the loss of another. It's something that no one will EVER understand unless they have gone through the process themselves.
I don't know if any of you have ever heard of Kari Jobe, but her song, "My Beloved" is the one I sing to Allie. It's absolutely beautiful!
You're My Bride
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with Me My love
You're Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me
Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you
You're Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me
I sing over you My song of peace
Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me
I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I'll take you to My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole
You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I HAVE THEE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE!
They have been there for me so much this past year, and I couldn't thank them enough! Not only was Cameron's memorial absolutely beautiful here with us, but we had people from all over the United States, and even half way across the world who thought of Cameron on his birthday. Cameron had balloons released for him in Texas, Florida, Alabama, Michigan, Arizona, North Carolina, Ohio, Rhode Island, Iowa, and in Germany, New Zealand and Brazil!
One of the girls from my board (that I've been with since gosh....I want to say January of 2008) collected all of the pictures from everyone who had sent up balloons and made me an amazingly beautiful scrapbook for Cameron's first birthday! I cried my eyes out when I opened the package and saw that little blue book with tiny baby feet with a little feather behind them, and his name on the front. It was just amazing!!
It means more to me than any of those girls will EVER know. Mostly because I never thought I would have a scrapbook for Cameron. We obviously have them for our children that are here, but how can we make one for the one's who aren't? After receiving that book, I realized that just because Cameron isn't here, doesn't mean I can't put together something like that. I have pictures from my pregnancy, from the hospital, from his memorial, from The Walk To Remember, pictures of all of his stuff. I can make one and continue to add to it for as long as I live!
Here are some picture from Cam's Birthday here and from the scrapbook the girls made me! Just click on them to make them bigger if need be!
Releasing the butterflies and balloons. If you look close, you can see the butterfly that landed on my hand. The picture below this was when 2 of them landed on my hand about 30 seconds later. :)
Monday, August 3, 2009
I know I'm a few days late on this, but in all honesty, I couldn't put into words what I was feeling on your birthday. My heart hurt and my mind was thoughtless.
I love you and miss you more than words could possibly say. Where did this time go, and why is it that you've been gone so long already? It feels like it was just months ago that you passed, and that our world fell apart. But it's a year later, and for some reason I can't grasp that. I think about you everyday, and not a single week goes by that I don't shed a tear over you, my sweet angel.
You got your little sister here safe and sound and, for that, I will never be able to thank you enough. I look at her and wonder what parts of you she has. What features she possesses that you would have too. I watch her look around in amazement and smile, and I wonder if she knows. If she knows how special she is, and what an important role she plays in our lives. All because of you, love. Without your passing, she wouldn't be here. You gave the ultimate sacrifice darling. You're more amazing than you'll ever know.
I saw the letter that daddy wrote you and it tore me apart. He loves you so much baby! We all do! I know he doesn't express things the way I do, but I know you can see inside his heart, and you can see and feel the love he has for you. He misses you just as I do.
Then there's Aiden. He talks about you all the time. Never failing to let people know that he's got a little brother in Heaven. He always asking about you. Asking questions that I may never know the answer to. It's hard, but I do the best I can.
Your birthday was beautiful! The butterflies and balloons were amazing, and I'm so glad that your little sister was able to share it all with us. She doesn't know yet, but one day she will be able to look at those pictures and realize how beautiful the day was and how special it was to have her there. We were all one big family that day! Even though you couldn't be there with us, I felt you all around. In that moment, for the first time in a year, I felt as if our family was complete. With the balloons flying high and the butterflies fluttering all around us, I felt as if we were in a whole different world. I felt you completely.
So thank you Cameron. Thank you for more than you'll ever know. For everything you've shown me and given us this past year. For making me realize things I never would have otherwise. For showing me the true beauty in life - even when, at times, everything seems so dark and ugly. You're the most amazing baby boy! Please continue to watch over us, and keep us safe.
Until we meet again sweet pea...
We love you!!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I literally couldn't explain the emotions that are going through me at this very second. Not even if you gave me the entire day to do so.
First off, little Allie was born on Tuesday! Birth story and pictures will be posted shortly on her blog!
I'm excited to have her here, but it's hard to feel the full extent of that happiness when I know what is coming tomorrow. The anxiety is killing me. The sadness is heart-wrenching. What do I do?
My mom got us this beautiful stone for Cameron's garden, and brought it over today. I started crying and just kissing Allie over and over.
It's absolutely beautiful! I love it! But, just that fact that we need it breaks my heart. I just can't believe it's going to be 1 year tomorrow since we lost him.
I ordered some butterflies for tomorrow and they arrived today. An amazing place called butterflies and prayers donated them to us! So, we'll be releasing the butterflies while other family members release balloons. It's going to be so beautiful to see all of it, but it's not exactly excitement that runs through me when I think of the coming of tomorrow.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Then we started talking about how Aiden was 3wks early and all of that. He said, "Wow...well, with this being your second...". I cut him off and held up 3 fingers - even though he knows ALL TOO WELL that this is our 3rd. So he says, "Well, you know what I mean. Your 3rd that might be born alive.". Um, excuse me! MIGHT?! I looked at him and said, "She's going to be born alive!!", and do you know what he said back to me?????
"You just never know what could happen..."
Who. In. The. Hell. says that to a pregnant woman?! LET ALONE a pregnant woman who just lost her baby boy a year prior?! Why would he have even thrown that in there?!?!?!?!?!?
I couldn't even say anything to him! Another one of the guys that was there looked at him and said something. I just turned my head. I haven't gone in to see Chev for lunch since then, and I don't plan on it unless he's not there, or until I get an apology!
The real kicker is, is that this is the same guy who, along with his wife, lost their baby boy 8yrs ago to pPROM - same way we lost Cameron. Now, one would think that if you've gone through this yourself, you know what to say and what not to say in those circumstances. Like I said though, that should be common sense not to say that shit to a pregnant woman!
So, of course, I left there seeing shades of red. I calmed down, but only to have things going through my head every moment of the day since then. "Why isn't she moving?", "Am I really going to bring her home?", "What if he's right, and it was just a warning to me in some way?".
I know deep down that Allie is coming home with us, but damn! Like I'm not scared enough as it is! Every day that passes that she isn't here, is just another day for something to happen in my eyes. I hadn't used my doppler in God knows how long. Since he made that comment, it's been out 4-5 times a day.
It shouldn't be like that, and I hate that it is! I hate worrying every day.
And this asshole just made it worse for me.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Wouldn't that be lovely.
I don't think we're going to make a HUGE deal out of the day. Just have myself, Chev, Aiden, my parents and his parents out to the memorial site to release some balloons, and to eat the cupcakes that Aiden is going to make. We'll have one with a candle in it for Cameron, that we will blow out as a family. Initially we were going to invite friends and everyone, but the thougth was causing me so much anxiety. I just want it to be special and personal. I know everyone will be thinking of Cameron and us that day, and that's all we really need. It'll be special no matter what!
I'm just getting more and more nervous as the days pass, and Allie's not here yet. I would love for her to come before the 31st, and to have her there at the memorial site. I really don't want to be in the hospital. Even if that does happen, I know we'll find a way to make it special, but I really wanted to do it at the memorial site - the place where we honored him and his little life - not in the hospital.... the place where he passed away.
I've had some mini-breakdowns in the past couple of weeks, but that's to be expected. It's just a mixture of everything that's going on right now.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Today is the day that our nightmare began a year ago. Tonight, around 8:30, will mark the time that my water broke too early last year. I've been trying to keep myself busy, and so far so good. It helps too that Allie is beating the crap out of me today! :)
We got home just a bit ago, and I went out to get the mail. I noticed a small yellow package in our box. I wasn't sure what to expect, because from my memory (which isn't so good these days), I hadn't remember ordering anything. Well, I pulled it from our mail box, and this is who it was addressed to - "Cameron's Mommy".
I started bawling right there on my front porch! My heart was beating a million times a minute it seemed. I searched it frantically to give me any indication of what was inside. Still confused, I went inside, sat down and nervously stared at it. Just stared. All I could see through my tears were the words "Cameron's Mommy" - those words touched me so deeply. That's right - I am Cameron's mommy!
I stuck my finger into the side of it, still racking my brain with what it could be. Finally I just ripped it open, and saw a card, and something wrapped in tissue. I read the card, which stated, "I hope you can find a special spot for Cameron's angel wings." Just below that, it read, "Fly, fly little wing, fly where only Angels sing...". Then, it was signed with love.
It hit me then that they were the pair of little angel wings that I had emailed a wonderful woman about a couple weeks back. She makes these cute little wings with a name tag and "birth date" attached.
It always seems as if something like that happens on the days I need it most. It's so strange how it happens, but I have no doubt in my mind that it's Cameron's way of showing me that he's here for me. I remember shortly after losing him, I was having a horrible day, and how that random preacher showed up at my door. All he wanted to do was talk to me and at the end he said a prayer for us and for Cameron. I remember my necklace showing up just a day before his memorial - a day that I was a complete wreck on. I remember butterflies flying by when I was alone and thinking of Cameron. I remember getting gifts, pictures, and people randomly popping up online to say simple things, on days that I wasn't doing so good on.
I wish there was a way I could thank my little man for all he's done for me. He definitely takes care of me in amazing ways! It's just odd when you think of it - I should be taking care of him.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Even the smell of our house. It brings every little thing back so clearly. Every now and then, the smell of the hospital room will hit me. The feeling of lying in that bed, knowing Cameron was gone, while I stared out the window. I remember looking out at the city and watching everyone go about their business. How lucky they were I thought. It angered me at the same time - to know that those people were going about their daily lives, while I was in this room, with my son, who had already gone to be with the Lord, lay silently inside of me.
Everything is just super crazy. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me. I miss him so much. I think of how different our life would be today, had he survived.
It's funny how I'm going back to the same ways of calming myself as I did last year. You think you get past that, but then it comes back. You have to remember how you got through those first few weeks of hell, and remind yourself that you can do this.
Remembering to "just breath" has been my saving grace for the past year...
Saturday, July 4, 2009
I think how crazy it is that I had no idea that in just 6 days, our world would get turned upside down. Isn't it weird when you think about that? What would I have done differently had I known that it was going to happen? How would this time last year be different than it actually was. Fate is a strange thing. A confusing thing. It's wild.
Now, here I sit again, on another 4th of July. Very pregnant, but with different feelings inside of me. Where little Allie is - that was our Cameron's home just a year ago. He was the one flipping around inside of me (although, it didn't hurt as bad then as it does right now with little miss Allie :) ), growing stronger by the day. I remember how happy I was! Then, he was gone 4wks later...
Now it's her. This little girl that I love just as much as both of my other children. This little miracle who has shown me that life continues, and that it's still beautiful.
Then I ask myself: Will she ever know what she's truly done for us? She's put patches on the most broken of hearts. Will they ever be completely healed? No. But, she's not even here yet, and she has made it possible for her mother and father to smile again, and for me to finally breathe with ease.
...Cameron sat inside of me last year. He heard the loud boom of those fireworks. This year, he gets the best seat in the house. While in my mind, that spot is in my lap, I know in my heart that he couldn't be in a more beautiful place.
Happy 4th of July sweet pea ... I will be thinking of you as the beautiful lights fill the sky.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
It's just so hard to believe that it's almost been a year! Where did the time go?! One year without him. One year since his little heart stopped. One year that he went to be with our Lord.
I can sit here and imagine his day. All of us sitting around, celebrating his short life. Smiling, while we eat his birthday cake, and as we release those balloons for him. But what if it's not like that? What if I'm a mess? What if I can't smile at all that day? I want to - God do I want to - but, how will I feel if that's not how things go?
I'm not sure if I'm more nervous about the days leading up to the 31st or about the day itself. I've always heard that the days leading up are the hardest. How can that be? I wonder if it's anxiety. I have OB's every week this month. One being on the 8th and another on the 31st. I was going to tell them to change it, but my OB is booked like crazy, so I didn't bother. Plus, maybe it will help me some. To go in and to hear Allie's heartbeat. To be reminded of this beautiful gift that our little boy has given us, and to be reminded that life really can continue to be beautiful - even after something so tragic happens.
I've been on edge lately too, which I hate! I feel like Aiden and I do nothing but argue! I'm getting into yelling matches with a 4 year old for crying out loud! I feel awful, but between the pregnancy, it being July, and Aiden acting up like a typical 4yr old, it's just a lot to deal with right now.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I feel like I can genuinely smile again, and laugh the way I used to. God knows I thought it would never happen, and even now - almost a year later - I'm still not 100% there. But, will any of us who have lost our babies, ever be 100% again? What exactly is 100% anyway? The more I think about it, the more I'm not so sure that any of us will ever reach that point. Beacuse, I'm sure 10yrs from now, there are still going to be points where I will cry for my sweet baby boy. Just as I do now, and just as I did on the day his tiny heart stopped beating. That doesn't mean I'm forever broken, or that my life will always be clouded by sadness - it's just me missing Cameron and forever wondering what could have been.
I don't think those feelings and thoughts will ever go away, but that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy life once again. Besides, I know my darling wouldn't want me to live any other way.
Monday, June 1, 2009
I'm not even sure what brought it on or why exactly it happened. It was over almost as fast as it had come. Then, I was fine again. I'm going to go ahead and blame most of it on the pregnancy horomones I suppose.
I thought about Cameron a lot through out the day, and even at my shower. There were so many times I was opening gifts, holding them up, while everyone let out their "Aww's" and "How cute!", that I thought of how Cameron never got that. We never got to have a shower for him. It was just a weird feeling.
But, I had no doubt in my mind that he was smiling over us, happy as can be that his little sister was being shown just as much love as he is!
Monday, May 25, 2009
...I'm tired of feeling so sad when I write - whether it be on here or in Cameron's journal. I don't want to feel empty anymore. I don't want to have the heartache. I only want to smile when I think of Cam. I want to be happy, and celebrate the short life that he had. Otherwise, I feel as if I'm not honoring him in the way he deserves. I know when I die, I want people to only laugh and be happy when they think of me. Of course, without a doubt, there will be tears - it's inevitable. But, overall, I want people to be happy for me! Happy that I'm free of this Earth - this ever increasingly horrible world of ours. That I'm in no pain, I'm perfect, and I'm happy.
Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of times where I just think of my little man and I smile my heart out! I think of how perfect he must be and how happy and carefree his little world is. I couldn't want anything more for him! It's just...I don't know...I suppose the sadness comes from one simple fact: I miss him.
I'm not all depressed, and I don't hate the world. I'm not some miserably sad person, who can't function from day to day (although at one point in time, I did feel like it). I just hate how one day I can feel at peace with everything, and I can breathe, only to have a horrible pain tugging at my heart the very next.
I just miss my son. Nothing more, nothing less.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I see how "dead" she looks inside, and I don't want that to be me, but how do you control something like that? It just started with her a couple of weeks ago, and I've been thinking about her, talking with her and praying for her in the past weeks. I don't want to have that look in my eyes ever again. I remember how vacant I looked after Cameron passed - I had no real "life" inside of me. I would look in the mirror and just stare into my own eyes - trying to see even the smallest hint of the old me, but it was no use. I was gone...
Today, almost 10 months later, I can say that I don't have that problem. Yes, I still have those days where I feel absolutey crushed inside, but it passes, and it's not nearly as bad as it was last Summer. I still wonder sometimes how I got through it - how any of us get through it! I think about him so much, and I just miss him terribly. I looked at pictures from his memorial and remember things so vividly...even the smell of the air that day. I can walk out, into our mudroom, and when that little air freshener goes off, I just smell it and it reminds me of everything. I love remembering all of these little things, but at the same time, I wish I didn't have to. Does that make sense? I wish, instead, I was remembering the minute Cameron was born, crying, and heavy in my arms. I wish I was remember his first smile or his first little "coo". But I'll never remember those things, because I'll never get to experience them in my life here on Earth.
I just wish for a moment that I could be in another time...another place...with him. Even if it were just for 10 seconds. Just so I could touch him, hold him, and kiss him. I just truly hate being this long without him, only to know that as the years pass, it's not going to feel any better. One day, I'm going to be without him for 10yrs, 20yrs, 50yrs!! My goodness...
But...as much as it hurts to think about that, I have to remember that each year that passes, is just another year closer to me being able to see and hold my sweet baby boy. God willing, it will be awhile, but the wait will be so worth it.
Oh and I did start a separate blog for Allie. I just found it too hard to come on here and post all over Cameron's blog, you know? So, here ya go if you're interested!
http://alightshinesthroughonus.blogspot.com/ (I need a little help removing the template, so if anyone knows how, please let me know!)
Monday, May 11, 2009
The entire day yesterday, all I could think about was Cameron when someone would tell me, "Happy Mother's Day!". Of course I thought about Aiden and Allie too, but I wanted to tell people, "Thank you! I'm the mother of 3 wonderful little people!". Everyone knows Aiden, and obviously, you can tell by looking at me that I'm pregnant, so those are the only ones people asked about. :(
Before we left, I went to the store to get a card for my mom "from" Aiden, Cameron, and Allie (she thought it was super sweet), and the minute I walked in the store, I heard the song, "To Where You Are" playing. That was the main song at Cameron's service. It took my breath away, because up until that point, I hadn't heard that song since his day, last August 24th. I found myself mouthing the words and smiling to myself the entire time I was in the store.
We went to my Grandma's house for a cookout, and it went well. I started crying on the way over there - although I hid it from everyone in the car. I just kept thinking about holding Cameron in my arms and just sighing and saying, "Oh sweety....". It just kept replaying in my head, and I couldn't stop the tears. By time we got there, I was fine for the most part and had a really good time.
But then at one point a bunch of us were sitting there, and my cousin asked Aiden what if he wanted a brother or sister. Aiden said, "I'm having a sister!". She then said, "Do you want a brother?". I felt that all-too-familiar sting with that question. Aiden didn't say anything, and then she said, "You need a brother, huh?". I wanted SO bad for him to say, "I already have a brother.", but he's four, and while he knows he has a brother if you ask him specifically, the thought doesn't enter his mind when he's approached like that. I wanted to say, "You have a brother, don't you sweetie?", but I couldn't. I knew if I did, I would lose it infront of everyone. I did anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. I just looked at her, gave her a crooked ass smile and then just started crying. Her mouth dropped and she said, "Oh my God...I'm sorry!". Her, her boyfriend and my aunt were the only ones who saw, because I quickly turned my head and buried it in Chev's shirt.
Part of me felt like I was being overly sensitive, but I don't think that was it at all. First off, when it comes to losing your child, I don't think you can ever be overly sensitive. Second, I think it had a lot to do with things just building throughout the day - that was just sort of the icing on the cake for me.
It wasn't a horrible day by ANY means, and I did enjoy myself, but I was just so emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. I thought about every one of my friends on here yesterday - especially those of you who have lost your first child. Each one of you would pop into my head and seperate times, and I just prayed that the day wasn't too hard on any of you. I prayed it wouldn't be too hard on any of us...
Saturday, May 2, 2009
It's been 9 months - 9 long, whole months since our little boy was taken from us. Once again, I just can't believe he's been gone that long. I even remember a point, after we first lost him, that I thought 9 months would never come - like we would always be stuck in time. Sometimes there are moments when I wish we were. Sometimes I wish we could go back to those days before he passed away. Physically, he was the closest to me as he'd ever been. I still had him with me. But...I can't stop time. It's hurts. It hurts like hell to know that I have been that long without my son. That I've been 9 months without him in my arms. 9 months since I've kissed him. No mother should have to go that long w/out her child. But, unfortunately, I still have much longer to go. It kills me.
There are still days where I have to remind myself that this really happened to us - almost like I forget that our son died. I don't know if it's some sort of defense mechanism we have built into us or what, but it's frustrating. It makes me feel like my memory is slipping away. I would never let that happen, of course, and even so I doubt it's even possible to do!
It's early and my mind is being consumed with a million thoughts at the moment. I think I'll head back to bed and try to get a bit more sleep...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
WHAT EXACTLY IS THEIR POINT?!
I went back and forth with this guy, yesterday at work, and that's what he kept saying. Even after I told him that Cameron looked completely healthy and normal, and that all u/s and blood tests we had up until we lost him, showed there was nothing to be worried about. I tried explaining to him that my water breaking, was just one of those things that randomly happens - there is usually never a reason for it. It just happens sometimes.
His response to that was, "Well, you know.... sometimes babies seem normal and OK, and then when they're a year old, something is found to be wrong with them - even after the tests they do on them at birth." I looked at him and said, "I loved my son, and even if he did have something wrong with him, it wouldn't have changed my outlook on what happened!".
It made me feel for those of my other dbm's that had something wrong with their little one. That was the first time someone has seriously argued with me about something like that.
I wanted to tell him that I know of women who's babies were diagnosed with diseases that weren't compatible with life - I wanted to ask him if he would have said something like that to them. I wanted to look at him and ask him if his love for his children would have been diminished had one of them been born with downs. Or if one of his children were to have died from a terminal illness, would that have made it "easier" for him. Because, to me, that's what he was implying!
My son was perfect and beautiful when he was born - just too small. But, even if he had been born with one leg or missing half of something - it wouldn't have changed the amount of love I have for him, nor would it have made it any easier to lose him.
...guess it just goes back to ignorance, and people trying to make it seem like they are making things "easier" for us. I wish they would just stop!!!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
In comparison to some other comments I have read from posters such as this one, on other people's blogs, it really is JUST WHATEVER. But, to be safe, and to make sure no one can do it again, I have set my blog to where only registered users can post.
What really gets me is how sad it is that we even have to worry about stuff like this!
BUT, I will say one thing to you:
MY daughter will never be second best to anyone, and MY children don't compete with each other in this family. I'm sorry if, in your pathetic, warped world, you have "places" for your children (assuming you even have any!). MY children - all 3 of them - are always, and will forever be #1 to me. This is Cameron's blog - a blog I made for HIM. If I decide to never write about my other children, then so be it, but I DO!!! ON HIS BLOG! BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL ON MY MIND AND IN MY HEART 24/7. I do not need to make an entire post about Allie. I do not need a damn blog to let my children know how much I love them. I'm sorry if that's how it works in YOUR head.
I don't accept your apology. I do not care. Go away, and take your "frustrations" out on a damn pillow, NOT MY blog. - Oh, and next time, leave your name, coward.
Friday, April 17, 2009
"Oh, now you'll have the perfect little family!"
"I bet you're thrilled to have a girl! Now you have one of each!"
My mother in law actually said this to me the other week, and I got the most disgusted look on my face. I want my two boys and my girl!! Why can't people understand that?! I feel like my family has been cheated, and that my life was thrown completely off track when we lost Cameron. I always knew I would have two boys - I just never knew that one of them would be watching over us, instead of here in our arms. I just don't get it, and half the time I don't even know what the hell I'm thinking about all of this!
I want to scream at people! My family will never be perfect!!!! My perfect family would be myself, Chev, Aiden, Cameron and Allie. Why can't people understand that??
Yes, I am thrilled to be having Allie! She's my daughter...my little girl! I love her just as much as I love the boys!! BUT, that doesn't take away the pain of losing Cameron, nor does it fill the empty little spot in my heart. No one gets that.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I called my gf and she told me she was going to drive me to the hospital. I honestly thought she was overreacting, but I called the after hours nurse anyway. She told me that since the pain had been going on for more than an hour, they wanted to see me.
So, I told her we would be right in. I waited for Chev to get out of work, and had my gf sit with Aiden for the night. We get there and entered in through the ER. I told them what was going on, and the triage nurse almost flipped. She said in a panicked tone, "Oh! We need to get you upstairs!!!" She picked up the phone, and someone was down there with a wheelchair within 15 seconds. - The nurse in L&D laughed about this later on. She said the pregnant women freak the ER out! The minute one comes in, they send her up to L&D as fast as possible. Like God forbid they would ever have to deliver a baby or something, lol.
I was taken up to L&D where they got me hooked up and listened to Allie hb. Everything sounded good, but the machine was picking up some small contractions. They had me down the liquids and lay in bed to see what happened. In the mean time, they took a urine sample to the lab to check that for any sort of infection, and the Dr. came in to check me. It was the same Dr. who had delivered Cameron.
Everything checked out fine, and after laying there and drinking all of the water, my uterus calmed down! So it looked as if my uterus was just irritated from me being dehydrated.
I will say that my anxiety flared up big time though. That was the first time I had been up to L&D since having Cameron. The smell of the bathroom, the smell of the gown, the bed, the monitors...everything. Nothing has EVER brought me back to that time like last night did. As I was standing in the bathroom putting that gown on, it was like I was thrown straight back to July 31, 2008. It was crazy hard, I'll tell you that. :(
But, all in all, myself and Allie seem to be doing just fine! The Dr. ordered me an ultrasound on Friday, just to be on the safe side. He said he has no reason to suspect that anything was wrong, but he just wants to double check. I think he was doing it more for me than anything.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Chev and I were going to a friend's birthday party on the 12th, and I took a test just to be safe. I didn't know if I would drink or not, but I wanted to have a clear conscience if I happened to. I took one and it was negative. I put it in the trash and we left. I did end up drinking that night, but not excessively by ANY means. I woke up the next morning and just randomly decided to pull that test out of the trash. I looked at it and had to blink twice! There was a faint pink line!! I was thinking there was no way possible - that it had to be a bad test! SO, I went ahead and took another one. It was probably the faintest line I had ever gotten on a test, but it was there. Chev couldn't see it, neither could half my friends, but myself and my friend who deals with fertility and what not for a living, saw it too!
I clearly remember Chev saying to me, "You guys are probably only seeing a line because you want to see a line." I was hurt. I looked at him and said, "So does that mean you don't see one because you don't want to?!". He immediately took back his words and apologized.
Of course I took another test the next day and it was dark enough for him to see it. We were elated! Little did we know that, that little line meant our lives would be changing forever - and not in the way we had wanted it to.
We were so happy, lively, and care-free then - naive if you will. I want that back, I really do. But, I know it will never happen. Of course we're happy people still, and I'm slowly getting back to that care-free person I used to be, but I don't think the naive part of me will ever be back. I now truly know how your life can be turned upside down in the blink of an eye.
Am I happy about that? I don't know. I think there's a part in all of us that likes being naive - that likes not knowing about the truly horrible things in life. Of course we KNOW about them, but we seldom think any of it would ever happen to us.
Then it does and our lives are changed forever.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
We made Cam an Easter egg to set next to his stuff, and Aiden picked him a flower from our backyard this morning. I had it draped over his picture.
We then took Aiden over to my grandmother's house for food and an Easter egg hunt. I laughed and smiled as Aiden ran around the yard, collecting his eggs. He was so proud of himself, and honestly, a feeling of immense gratitude came over me. I am so proud to have him and so grateful he's here with us.
As everyone rubbed my belly, I couldn't help but thing that Cameron should have been there with us. Instead of rubbing my belly, we should have been concerning ourselves with bottles and people fussing to hold him. But, I know he was very much with us today, and I know that today was an amazing day to remember Jesus and our little man.
Happy Easter sweet pea!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
God, this breaks my heart.
I should be looking at little onesies that say "My First Easter" on them...just like I did for Aiden.
God please let me get through these next two days as peacefully as possible...
Friday, April 10, 2009
I know they are! While I don't know exactly where it is they go to, I do know they are still "here". I've never had those feelings like I had after Cameron passed. The ones where I'm sitting there and I close my eyes, and I can feel the most peaceful presence around me. At times, I almost felt weightless - it was amazing!
I also believe that we don't feel them at all times. But, they let their presence be known when they know we need them. I felt Cameron and something else around me A LOT in the beginning. I could feel someone else in that house with me, when I was sitting on the couch at night crying. Now whether it was Cameron or it was my grandma with Cameron, I don't know. I just know it brought such a sense of peace into my heart.
It was that same peaceful feeling I got when Cameron was born. I thought I would be a wreck, but as I held him in my arms, I honestly felt as if I had a million people in that room, hugging me at the same time. Something inside me said, "It's going to be OK.". I didn't need anything else at that moment - I had my sweet baby boy in my arms, my husband at my side, and some amazing comfort coming from someone...something...from somewhere I have no idea bout.
However, lately, I don't feel that as much anymore. And that's where I truly believe that they know when we need them. I know they are always around, but they really let their presence be known during our most heartbreaking times. Cameron knows I love him, and that I will always need him, but I also think he knows that I don't depend on those feelings of him constantly being here to get me through the day anymore, you know? I'm just so glad that in the times that I do need it, he's right there.
Aiden was asking about all of that last night. He was wondering how Cameron was here, but he couldn't see him. Goodness! Try explaining that to a 4yr old!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I'm more than happy with that, because I do like being pregnant, and it gives me more time to really sit back, relax, and enjoy it all.
Although, there's a huge part of me that just wishes Summer would get here so I could hold Allie and know, 100%, that everything is OK, you know? That's the hardest part about losing a baby...it sot of diminishes the "Happy-Go-Lucky" atmosphere of being pregnant the next time around. Not saying I'm a total basket case by any means, but if we hadn't lost Cameron, I wouldn't sit and worry, and I could go about being my care-free self, like I was when I was pregnant with Aiden.
I guess....it just leaves you a bit jaded. I've said from the very beginning that I would enjoy this, not worry, and love every second of it! I've held that promise to myself for the most part, but there are still those moments when I haven't felt her kick in awhile, that thoughts go through my head. I know it's 100%, completely normal, but it still sucks.
Speaking of kicking - she seems to be a lot more calm than the boys were! Aiden was like a little soccer player in there, crazy as can be! And Cameron...LOL, well he liked to roll and flip more than kick and punch. Allie just seems to be enjoying her time in there. She'll kick every now and then, and I pretty much have her sleep times and awake times down, but for the most part, she's just a chill little girl.
I think I've very deserving of a calm, cool and collected child. Because, let's be honest, Aiden is out of his damn mind! Haha! I love it though! I don't know what I would do without the craziness!
Friday, April 3, 2009
I found this poem online and thought it was so sweet! It honestly didn't hit me until I read that last sentence. I started crying immediately!
A Baby's SecretBy Andrea Leigh Brigstock
I'm just the little boy
Who didn't quite make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
but I'm waiting for you here.
Don't you fret about me Mommy
I'm of all God's lambs more blessed;
I'd have loved to stay there with you
but the shepherd knows what's best.
Many dwelling here where I live
waited years to enter in
struggled through a world of sorrow
and their lives were marred with sin.
So sweet mommy don't you sorrow
wipe those tears and chase the gloom,
I went straight to Jesus' bosom
from my lovely mother's womb.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don't complain;
I have all of Heaven's glory
suffered none of Earthling's pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me
I'd have loved to brought it fame
but if I'd lingered in Earth's shadows
I might instead of brought it shame. (although I know he never could have :) )
Daddy gave me something for you
it's our secret, mommy dear,
pressed it tight against my forehead
whispered in my tiny ear.
I'll be waiting for you mommy-
you and daddy, bub and sis
I'll be with you then forever,
and I'll give you daddy's kiss.
Monday, March 30, 2009
It seems as though lately, something has been bugging me deep down - like I'll never be satisfied. And now, I think I know why...
I was thinking about our little Allie coming and how exciting, bittersweet and amazing it's going to be. But, even while having these happy thoughts go through my head, I find myself with a bit of sadness always lingering. I honestly think it's because, no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, our family will always feel incomplete without Cameron here. Most people have more babies, make more money, get a bigger house - all of that great stuff. But us......well, for us it's never going to happen.
Again, it comes down to never being able to fix that issue that bothers me so much. I know I have to go the entire rest of my life with this empty spot in my heart. We'll always be missing that one thing - - - Cameron.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I just keep thinking how unfair it is to lose a child! Why did Cameron have to be singled out? Why doesn't he get to play with his big brother or snuggle with his mommy and daddy?
As I sit here crying, Allie is kicking away inside my belly. I so love that, but it doesn't hide the fact that we should have a 3 month old in the house. I said before that I'm so incredibly thankful for her, but it doesn't make me miss Cam any less.
He's my baby boy, and he's not here. Now, all I have of him are pictures, and imprints of his tiny hands and feet to show his big brother and baby sister.
Honestly, I think what hurts the most is the fact that I can't bring him back. I can't change what happened. I've never experienced something so heartbreaking and permanent - I had never experienced a loss before Cameron! I always thought I was lucky, but somehow that's just not true. Part of me wishes I could have experienced that before. Not that I ever want to lose anyone close to me, but why did it have to by my baby? My little boy that I never got the chance to really know? Who never got the chance to smile at his mommy, or have his daddy blow raspberries on his tummy. Why couldn't it have been someone who was already lucky enough to have experienced those simple pleasures in life. Someone who had lived their life, and enjoyed it. Instead, my first experience with death, had to be my son. How does someone deal with something like this correctly? I guess it just makes me realize how strong the human heart is, and how resilient the soul is....I just wish I didn't have to find that out this way!
I feel partly guilty for sitting here, a mess like this, while our baby girl is happy as can be in my belly. I hope she can't sense the sadness I'm feeling right now. But, at the same time, I have every right to be sad - even when I'm happy at the same time.
My mind is trying to sort through these emotions that I feel on a day-to-day basis, but it's just so hard!
I'll get through this though! And I know that all of my children know I love them with every ounce of my being.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
It's insane to me! 19 weeks wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but I still thought about it from time to time that day. Over all though, I always get this sense of happiness that goes through me. I know it's Cameron telling me not to worry - that he's making sure everything is going to be OK!
We're finally starting to be able to feel our little girl on the outside now! I tried waking Chev up two mornings ago to feel, but he was so out of it, he didn't know what was going on, lol. I got to feel it with Cameron a lot towards the end, but Chev never did. I try not to think about that, because it makes me sad, but it enters my head everytime this baby moves. But you know, I'm just taking this one day at a time! I'm very blessed and I'm very happy that everything is going so well!
Oh and we finally decided on a name for our little girl (jenjen was high in the running! ...lol Jen).
We've decided on ALLIE BRIELLE! We're still debating on keeping it JUST Allie, or putting Alexandra on her birth certificate, but calling her Allie. I just LOVE Allie, but a few people mentioned that it might not "grow" with her. The majority of people I ask, however, don't see a problem with Allie, and think it's such a pretty name! So we'll see! Either way, she'll be called Allie :)
Aiden, Cameron, and Allie - I love it! :)
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Sometimes I think, "Did this really happen? Did we really lose our baby boy?". It just seems like everything happened so quickly, and now there is this new baby coming. I think back to Cameron's u/s pictures when everything was perfect! When he was a happy, healthy little baby, and when I would see his tiny heart beating away. All of that is gone. He's really gone. This really happened to us.
I look at the pictures of our little girl and can't help but think, "You're there now. In a couple of weeks, it will be the time last year that Cameron was there...just starting out with a little heartbeat." I think of how happy and carefree I was then. Of course I'm overjoyed at thought of this baby, but there is still a lot of heartache in knowing that we should have a 3 month old in the house.
....I just feel so helpless and guilty at times. I'm confused too. I know I love my daughter just as much as I love my boys, but she wouldn't be on her way if Cameron would have lived. How do you view something like that? Am I supposed to think, "Well I wouldn't have her if this didn't happen." later on down the road? Are we supposed to be thankful for that?
I am absolutely thankful to be blessed with another baby. I would have just preferred us to have Cameron and then have this wonderful little girl come a couple years later. I'd have all 3 of my kids here with me...
Either way - Aiden, Cameron, and baby girl (I promise you'll have a name soon sweetheart!): I love you guys will all of my heart!
Friday, March 20, 2009
She was estimated to be 11oz in these pictures. I can see the resemblance between her and Aiden and Cameron. Especially Cameron, because...well, I saw him in person at that exact age. That kept popping into my head while I was looking at the ultrasound. The tech. kept saying stuff to the effect of, "She's still little, but with the 4D, you can get an idea of what she actually looks like." I wanted to be like, "I know what she looks like, and I know how big she would be if I were to be holding her right now." She's got a bit more fat on her than Cam did - atleast according to the estimate. But, I know those can be off. Before we lost Cameron, they were estimating him to be about 9oz. He was 7.1oz when he was born. Then again, I suppose he could have lost weight from the infection maybe? :( .... I don't know.
I had a horrible nightmare lastnight that I lost this baby. My water broke and I delivered her right there, but nothing was done about it. They just picked her up and whisked her away and I was sent home. I remember in my dream, I kept thinking about how things were with Cameron. How I got to spend time with him, how I got pictures, inprints of his hands and feet, his hat and blanket, etc. I was so upset and cried throughout the rest of my dream. Then I woke up.
I ran down stairs and grabbed my doppler, and picked her up the minute I put the wand on my belly. It was just weird because I haven't had a dream like that in a LONG time.
I fell back asleep only to restart the dream! This happened twice! I should have just stayed awake!
All I have to say is THANK GOD FOR DOPPLERS!! I love being able to check on her from time to time just to ease my mind! :)
Monday, March 16, 2009
I'm still in a bit of shock to be honest! I've never pictured myself having a daughter - it was always two boys I saw myself with! And now...I'm going to have a daughter!
I just started crying, shaking, and saying, "Wow...Omg! Omg!" over and over again. The tech even took an extra picture of her bottom because I just couldn't believe it!
Most importantly though, she looks healthy as a horse! She's got all her parts, and they're all where they should be, and working properly! She was VERY photogenic and let the tech get all of the pictures she needed! Except when it came to getting pics of her little footsies. We tried SO hard, but she just kept kicking and kicking, lol.
I'm just in awe right now!! And I'm over the moon over the fact that everything looks great!
I was honestly hoping a bit for a girl. Only because I'm not sure how I would have felt had it been a boy. I guess I just see it as...well, if we were to have two boys (which we do, but I mean HERE), it should be Aiden and Cameron. If she would have been a boy, I think I would have felt a little off about it. It's so hard to explain, and obviously I wouldn't have cared, so long as it's healthy...I just have a little bit of an easier time knowing it's a girl.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I am still anxiously awaiting this day to be over with, but I have no doubt that it will go by just fine. It's just a scary thought you know - to know that I was sitting in this exact spot, with my legs crossed in the same fashion, only to stand up and have my water break.
I really do have no doubt in my mind that I'll be holding a happy, healthy baby this Summer, but the nervousness that surrounds this day (and probably week 19) can't be ignored. I've actually done well today, going about things as if it were just another day. I figured that it was the only way I was going to be able to stay sane today, lol
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I heard one of the songs we played at his memorial, and another song I played for myself that first night in the hospital after he was born. I just can't get over how I can picture everything so clearly. I think it's so hard because those memories go through us in mere seconds. It happens so quickly, and our minds and hearts can't figure out what the hell just happened in those seconds it takes to remember. How can we be brought back to something so quickly, and have it be so vivid at that?
It's absolutely heartbreaking. I broke down tonight - harder than I have in a long time. All from hearing that one song, and seeing myself lying in that hospital bed, for the first time with out my little boy.
I ran and grabbed Cameron's urn and just squeezed it against my face and I bawled. I told him I loved him and how sorry I was. Sorry that he's not here with me, sorry that my body failed him, and sorry that he has to see his momma this way.
I hate being like this - you know, being pregnant and all. I don't want to stress myself out, but I can't just let this go. It's hard being pregnant and mourning the loss of my little man at the same time. I've already got so many emotions flying through me -on top of the heartache of still missing Cameron. It's so confusing and frustrating. But, it's the task I took on when I decided I wanted to be pregnant again. I've done relatively great since I got pregnant - trying to see the bright side of things and all - but I still have those moments. The moments where I miss him more than words could possibly say. The moments when I wold give ANYTHING to have him here with me. Those moments when I wish, if only for a second, I could catch of glimpse of my sweet angel -to see what he's doing, how he's doing....what he looks like...if he still has those chunky little cheeks.
I knew it wasn't going to be easy doing this, but....I know it will be worth it when I can hold this baby and thank Cameron for watching over us, and making sure his little brother or sister gets safely into this world.