Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Just quit already...

I am so tired of people saying, "There was probably something wrong." or "These things happen for a reason. Something could have been wrong with him."


I went back and forth with this guy, yesterday at work, and that's what he kept saying. Even after I told him that Cameron looked completely healthy and normal, and that all u/s and blood tests we had up until we lost him, showed there was nothing to be worried about. I tried explaining to him that my water breaking, was just one of those things that randomly happens - there is usually never a reason for it. It just happens sometimes.

His response to that was, "Well, you know.... sometimes babies seem normal and OK, and then when they're a year old, something is found to be wrong with them - even after the tests they do on them at birth." I looked at him and said, "I loved my son, and even if he did have something wrong with him, it wouldn't have changed my outlook on what happened!".
It made me feel for those of my other dbm's that had something wrong with their little one. That was the first time someone has seriously argued with me about something like that.

I wanted to tell him that I know of women who's babies were diagnosed with diseases that weren't compatible with life - I wanted to ask him if he would have said something like that to them. I wanted to look at him and ask him if his love for his children would have been diminished had one of them been born with downs. Or if one of his children were to have died from a terminal illness, would that have made it "easier" for him. Because, to me, that's what he was implying!

My son was perfect and beautiful when he was born - just too small. But, even if he had been born with one leg or missing half of something - it wouldn't have changed the amount of love I have for him, nor would it have made it any easier to lose him.

...guess it just goes back to ignorance, and people trying to make it seem like they are making things "easier" for us. I wish they would just stop!!!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Eh, whatever

You ladies are right! And honestly, I'm very much over it and not letting some random person, who has nothing better to do than mess with grieving mothers, get to me. It was just that it was the first thing I read when I got up this morning for work, and it didn't sit well with me at all.

In comparison to some other comments I have read from posters such as this one, on other people's blogs, it really is JUST WHATEVER. But, to be safe, and to make sure no one can do it again, I have set my blog to where only registered users can post.

What really gets me is how sad it is that we even have to worry about stuff like this!

Dear annonymous poster

I deleted those posts, and will not be repeating what was said on them.

BUT, I will say one thing to you:

MY daughter will never be second best to anyone, and MY children don't compete with each other in this family. I'm sorry if, in your pathetic, warped world, you have "places" for your children (assuming you even have any!). MY children - all 3 of them - are always, and will forever be #1 to me. This is Cameron's blog - a blog I made for HIM. If I decide to never write about my other children, then so be it, but I DO!!! ON HIS BLOG! BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL ON MY MIND AND IN MY HEART 24/7. I do not need to make an entire post about Allie. I do not need a damn blog to let my children know how much I love them. I'm sorry if that's how it works in YOUR head.

I don't accept your apology. I do not care. Go away, and take your "frustrations" out on a damn pillow, NOT MY blog. - Oh, and next time, leave your name, coward.

Friday, April 17, 2009

The Perfect Family?

I'm so tired of hearing this comment lately!

"Oh, now you'll have the perfect little family!"

"I bet you're thrilled to have a girl! Now you have one of each!"

My mother in law actually said this to me the other week, and I got the most disgusted look on my face. I want my two boys and my girl!! Why can't people understand that?! I feel like my family has been cheated, and that my life was thrown completely off track when we lost Cameron. I always knew I would have two boys - I just never knew that one of them would be watching over us, instead of here in our arms. I just don't get it, and half the time I don't even know what the hell I'm thinking about all of this!
I want to scream at people! My family will never be perfect!!!! My perfect family would be myself, Chev, Aiden, Cameron and Allie. Why can't people understand that??

Yes, I am thrilled to be having Allie! She's my little girl! I love her just as much as I love the boys!! BUT, that doesn't take away the pain of losing Cameron, nor does it fill the empty little spot in my heart. No one gets that.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Had a little scare!

I've been having these weird cramps in my lower back for some time now. I felt fine otherwise and just chalked it up to be loosened ligaments or something back there. Well last night, it was a bit different. I had the same thing, but it hurt worse this time and I had pain shooting around to the front of my belly. I laid down and drank a glass of water, hoping that would help. It didn't.
I called my gf and she told me she was going to drive me to the hospital. I honestly thought she was overreacting, but I called the after hours nurse anyway. She told me that since the pain had been going on for more than an hour, they wanted to see me.

So, I told her we would be right in. I waited for Chev to get out of work, and had my gf sit with Aiden for the night. We get there and entered in through the ER. I told them what was going on, and the triage nurse almost flipped. She said in a panicked tone, "Oh! We need to get you upstairs!!!" She picked up the phone, and someone was down there with a wheelchair within 15 seconds. - The nurse in L&D laughed about this later on. She said the pregnant women freak the ER out! The minute one comes in, they send her up to L&D as fast as possible. Like God forbid they would ever have to deliver a baby or something, lol.

I was taken up to L&D where they got me hooked up and listened to Allie hb. Everything sounded good, but the machine was picking up some small contractions. They had me down the liquids and lay in bed to see what happened. In the mean time, they took a urine sample to the lab to check that for any sort of infection, and the Dr. came in to check me. It was the same Dr. who had delivered Cameron.
Everything checked out fine, and after laying there and drinking all of the water, my uterus calmed down! So it looked as if my uterus was just irritated from me being dehydrated.

I will say that my anxiety flared up big time though. That was the first time I had been up to L&D since having Cameron. The smell of the bathroom, the smell of the gown, the bed, the monitors...everything. Nothing has EVER brought me back to that time like last night did. As I was standing in the bathroom putting that gown on, it was like I was thrown straight back to July 31, 2008. It was crazy hard, I'll tell you that. :(

But, all in all, myself and Allie seem to be doing just fine! The Dr. ordered me an ultrasound on Friday, just to be on the safe side. He said he has no reason to suspect that anything was wrong, but he just wants to double check. I think he was doing it more for me than anything.

Monday, April 13, 2009

One year ago

One year ago today, I officially found out I was pregnant with our precious little Cameron. Technically I got my BFP yesterday last year, but I didn't realize it!

Chev and I were going to a friend's birthday party on the 12th, and I took a test just to be safe. I didn't know if I would drink or not, but I wanted to have a clear conscience if I happened to. I took one and it was negative. I put it in the trash and we left. I did end up drinking that night, but not excessively by ANY means. I woke up the next morning and just randomly decided to pull that test out of the trash. I looked at it and had to blink twice! There was a faint pink line!! I was thinking there was no way possible - that it had to be a bad test! SO, I went ahead and took another one. It was probably the faintest line I had ever gotten on a test, but it was there. Chev couldn't see it, neither could half my friends, but myself and my friend who deals with fertility and what not for a living, saw it too!

I clearly remember Chev saying to me, "You guys are probably only seeing a line because you want to see a line." I was hurt. I looked at him and said, "So does that mean you don't see one because you don't want to?!". He immediately took back his words and apologized.

Of course I took another test the next day and it was dark enough for him to see it. We were elated! Little did we know that, that little line meant our lives would be changing forever - and not in the way we had wanted it to.

We were so happy, lively, and care-free then - naive if you will. I want that back, I really do. But, I know it will never happen. Of course we're happy people still, and I'm slowly getting back to that care-free person I used to be, but I don't think the naive part of me will ever be back. I now truly know how your life can be turned upside down in the blink of an eye.

Am I happy about that? I don't know. I think there's a part in all of us that likes being naive - that likes not knowing about the truly horrible things in life. Of course we KNOW about them, but we seldom think any of it would ever happen to us.

Then it does and our lives are changed forever.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter

Well today didn't go nearly as bad as I thought it would. I had some moments where it just hurt so incredibly bad, but really...I just reminded myself of the reason for today. Today is the reason that I will be able to see Cameron again one day, and I cannot let myself forget that. Nor can I let my sadness cloud such a beautiful day.
We made Cam an Easter egg to set next to his stuff, and Aiden picked him a flower from our backyard this morning. I had it draped over his picture.

We then took Aiden over to my grandmother's house for food and an Easter egg hunt. I laughed and smiled as Aiden ran around the yard, collecting his eggs. He was so proud of himself, and honestly, a feeling of immense gratitude came over me. I am so proud to have him and so grateful he's here with us.

As everyone rubbed my belly, I couldn't help but thing that Cameron should have been there with us. Instead of rubbing my belly, we should have been concerning ourselves with bottles and people fussing to hold him. But, I know he was very much with us today, and I know that today was an amazing day to remember Jesus and our little man.

Happy Easter sweet pea!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

His first Easter

Tomorrow would have been Cam's first Easter. He would be here with us, watching us as we happily paint the colorful eggs with Aiden. He would be getting his first little Easter basket tomorrow...filled with all kinds of little goodies for his little eyes to examine and his little hands to touch and play with.

God, this breaks my heart.

I should be looking at little onesies that say "My First Easter" on them...just like I did for Aiden.

God please let me get through these next two days as peacefully as possible...

Friday, April 10, 2009

They never leave us

My MIL and I were talking a couple weeks ago, and we got on a very interesting topic. We were talking about Cameron, and how we believe that those we lost are still very much around us.

I know they are! While I don't know exactly where it is they go to, I do know they are still "here". I've never had those feelings like I had after Cameron passed. The ones where I'm sitting there and I close my eyes, and I can feel the most peaceful presence around me. At times, I almost felt weightless - it was amazing!
I also believe that we don't feel them at all times. But, they let their presence be known when they know we need them. I felt Cameron and something else around me A LOT in the beginning. I could feel someone else in that house with me, when I was sitting on the couch at night crying. Now whether it was Cameron or it was my grandma with Cameron, I don't know. I just know it brought such a sense of peace into my heart.

It was that same peaceful feeling I got when Cameron was born. I thought I would be a wreck, but as I held him in my arms, I honestly felt as if I had a million people in that room, hugging me at the same time. Something inside me said, "It's going to be OK.". I didn't need anything else at that moment - I had my sweet baby boy in my arms, my husband at my side, and some amazing comfort coming from someone...something...from somewhere I have no idea bout.

However, lately, I don't feel that as much anymore. And that's where I truly believe that they know when we need them. I know they are always around, but they really let their presence be known during our most heartbreaking times. Cameron knows I love him, and that I will always need him, but I also think he knows that I don't depend on those feelings of him constantly being here to get me through the day anymore, you know? I'm just so glad that in the times that I do need it, he's right there.

Aiden was asking about all of that last night. He was wondering how Cameron was here, but he couldn't see him. Goodness! Try explaining that to a 4yr old!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Patiently waiting

It feels like time is standing still all of a sudden! Those first 15wks flew by me, and's just slowly going along.
I'm more than happy with that, because I do like being pregnant, and it gives me more time to really sit back, relax, and enjoy it all.

Although, there's a huge part of me that just wishes Summer would get here so I could hold Allie and know, 100%, that everything is OK, you know? That's the hardest part about losing a sot of diminishes the "Happy-Go-Lucky" atmosphere of being pregnant the next time around. Not saying I'm a total basket case by any means, but if we hadn't lost Cameron, I wouldn't sit and worry, and I could go about being my care-free self, like I was when I was pregnant with Aiden.

I just leaves you a bit jaded. I've said from the very beginning that I would enjoy this, not worry, and love every second of it! I've held that promise to myself for the most part, but there are still those moments when I haven't felt her kick in awhile, that thoughts go through my head. I know it's 100%, completely normal, but it still sucks.

Speaking of kicking - she seems to be a lot more calm than the boys were! Aiden was like a little soccer player in there, crazy as can be! And Cameron...LOL, well he liked to roll and flip more than kick and punch. Allie just seems to be enjoying her time in there. She'll kick every now and then, and I pretty much have her sleep times and awake times down, but for the most part, she's just a chill little girl.

I think I've very deserving of a calm, cool and collected child. Because, let's be honest, Aiden is out of his damn mind! Haha! I love it though! I don't know what I would do without the craziness!

Friday, April 3, 2009

A Baby's Secret

I found this poem online and thought it was so sweet! It honestly didn't hit me until I read that last sentence. I started crying immediately!

A Baby's Secret

By Andrea Leigh Brigstock

I'm just the little boy
Who didn't quite make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
but I'm waiting for you here.

Don't you fret about me Mommy
I'm of all God's lambs more blessed;
I'd have loved to stay there with you
but the shepherd knows what's best.

Many dwelling here where I live
waited years to enter in
struggled through a world of sorrow
and their lives were marred with sin.

So sweet mommy don't you sorrow
wipe those tears and chase the gloom,
I went straight to Jesus' bosom
from my lovely mother's womb.

Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don't complain;
I have all of Heaven's glory
suffered none of Earthling's pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me
I'd have loved to brought it fame
but if I'd lingered in Earth's shadows
I might instead of brought it shame. (although I know he never could have :) )

Daddy gave me something for you
it's our secret, mommy dear,
pressed it tight against my forehead
whispered in my tiny ear.

I'll be waiting for you mommy-

you and daddy, bub and sis
I'll be with you then forever,
and I'll give you daddy's kiss.