So long ago

I think it's finally starting to hit me that Cameron's been gone this long. Before, it seemed as if we had just lost him weeks ago.

I look at his u/s picture, and now it really does feel like forever. I don't know if it's because Allie's here and she's growing so fast, or what, but I do know that something has changed.

Do I like it? Not really. While thinking of him only being gone for weeks was hard, the realization that he's been gone for over a year, kills.

This past Thanksgiving was the last of the "firsts" for us. This Christmas would have been Cameron's 2nd...but now it will be Allie's 1st.

I'm glad to be done with all of the "firsts", but having it go on to the seconds, is making this harder even yet. It just makes me think of everything Cam is missing and what he'll only continue to miss...

forever love

My love

When will this reality fully hit me? When will I stop being shocked at the fact that you're not with us? I think about you all of the time, and am happy when doing so, but then that horrid thought hits me - it hits me like it did the minute I found out you were gone. Why does this still happen a year later? I know you're gone. I've known that for over 15 months now, but why can't my mind and heart fully grasp that?

I stare at your sister and then I raise my eyes and I'm met with the sight of your urn sitting in front of me. I have a baby in my arms - a baby that should be you. It's all so complicated in my head. I'm not sure any part of me will ever truly "get" this. How does a mother differentiate between the conflicting feelings that engulf her heart as she holds her rainbow baby, but thinks so longingly of her precious angel.

I close my eyes and I can see you. I trace every part of your body with my eyes - never forgetting any single part of it. Oh sweetheart, if you only knew how much love my heart has for you. How much I miss you. How much I wish I could be planning your first birthday. This kills me...

I've come to the conclusion that my tears for you will never end. They stop on occasion, but they will never, ever be gone. I think lovingly of you, and I smile, but even so, my eyes never stay dry for long. What am I supposed to do with myself without you Cameron?

I hate living with a piece of my heart missing. How can anyone enjoy life fully like that? I live though - I live for Daddy, for Aiden, and for Allie. If it weren't for them, I don't think I'd be here right now. They keep me here, even when there are days that I so wish I could be with you. They need me... and I've learned more than ever, that I need them too.

I just want to see your face. Just one more time before the long wait I have until I'm with you. I think that's what makes this so hard. If there were a way for me to check in on you - to see your beautiful face - I could handle this. I'm your mother. I'm protective. It tears me apart inside to know that I can't be there for you!!

I love you.

Seriously?

Ok, I'm a little peeved at the moment! First off, the Walk to Remember was beautiful, but we had some serious issues.

First, we were late, and when we got there, we had learned that our shirt that we pre-ordered and registered for, had been given to other people. People that just showed up. Who's babies name wasn't on the shirt. People who hadn't registered or paid.

Apparently this was due to a misunderstanding between the volunteers. They were not supposed to sell our shirt, but instead, sell the shirts they had left over.

Not only that, but when I opened the program, they had Cameron's birthday wrong!! How do you mix up July and April, when I wrote it clear as day for you??

I emailed the director, who is an absolute sweetheart. She apologized left and right, for the shirt mistake. I didn't tell her about the program, because she was doing her best to fix the shirt issues. She offered us two free hoodies in addition to our shirts. I accepted.

Well, I get them today and guess what? Cameron's name isn't even on there!!! I'm so upset! If this was anything else, I'd let it go, but this is my baby! Fist you mess up his birthday and then you don't even include his name on the shirt with all of the other babies?!?!

My friend Heather went with us, and her baby Wyatt's name in on the shirts, so I'm just going to give her my sweatshirts. I guess all that can be done now is a refund of the money we paid to have this stuff done. I hate doing that, because I know the money goes to help with the walk, but I also paid it with the intention of getting a shirt with my babies name on it, you know??

Just thinking...

As I was going to bed tonight, I stopped in front of our entertainment center to tell Cameron goodnight and to give his urn a little kiss as I usually do.

My attention then went to his scrapbook that my wonderful "Turkey" girls had made for us. I opened it and looked at every single page once again. I love looking at it. It takes my breath away, it gives me chills, and it never fails to bring tears to my eyes when I open it.

It just got me thinking how absolutely amazing these people in my life are. They have done more for me by remembering Cameron than my own family has. And by family, I mean grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. My parents and my brothers have been absolutely amazing! They've never forgotten him for a second, and they always remember special dates.

It just warms my heart to look at those pictures, and to know that on that one day, they all took a minute out of their day to remember my sweet little boy. From my oldest brother bringing flowers to me, and sitting with me, crying with me, as we talked about Cameron and how fragile life on Earth really is, to my youngest brother remembering to release balloons in Brazil while visiting his girlfriend. It's all just amazing.

I picked up his urn after going through the book again and I squeezed that thing like I was holding on for dear life. I kissed it, I rubbed it on my cheek, and then I got that every too familiar crushing feeling in my chest. The one that makes you gasp for a quick breath.You all know what I'm talking about. (what is that anyway?)
Part of me wanted to open it. But I don't think I ever will again. I've only ever opened it once. It was shortly after he passed. I was sitting at my dinning room table, and I unscrewed the lid. I don't know why, but part of me was scared to death. Then I just sat there and stared at the white ashes. It took my mind a bit to process what I was looking at. And then I actually stuck my fingers in there and pinched a bit of the ashes between my thumb and index finger. I brought them out and sprinkled them in my palm. I then swirled them around until they had all but absorbed into my own skin. Kind of how talc powder does. I can honestly look back and say that I have absolutely no clue why I did any of that. But I did, and for some reason, it made me feel better for half a second. Is that weird?

There are just so many emotions involved in this. For a few minutes I was elated - I was happy that my little man is remembered. And then I stare at Cameron's urn, and realize that's all I have left of him. That's the only way I get to hold him...in the palm of my hand. That tiny, beautiful, cold little urn. That's my baby...

Our wonderful night, and a sign from my angel!

The vigil was small, but it was still there! It was cold and our candles kept blowing out, but we stuck it out for half an hour, an re-lit our candles time and time again.

After I got home, I lit my Cameron's candle, along with all of the other babies' candles.


The most amazing thing happened when I was sitting here as the candles burned. All of a sudden I heard this spilling/runny noise. Honestly, I thought Allie crapped her pants. My mouth fell open and I walked over to her in her bassinet. She was sleeping as content as could be! I checked her pants and she was absolutely clean. I looked over at the table, and somehow a hole had formed in the side of Cameron's candle, and wax spilled on the table. As I moved the candle, and lifted it off the wax, this is what I found:


It looks like a little angel!!! I couldn't believe it! I stuck my finger in it to try and pick it up, because I'm going to save it, but it wasn't dry yet and I burnt my finger, lol. It may be just a fluke, but c'mon! How in the world does something like that just happen!?

I know it was a sign from my little boy!!

October 15th

Tonight, here in this little city in Michigan, history will be made. It might be small, but it's just a start!

For the first time EVER, there will be a candlelight vigil held at the Fire Department. Thanks to myself and some dear friends of mine, we were able to set this up! I'm wanting this day to get more recognition than it's been getting. We deserve this one day to remember our babies. We get the entire month dedicated to boobs, and I'm ready to see that we get the attention we deserve too!!!

I see pink ribbons up everywhere for Breast Cancer Awareness. But, where are the pink and blue ribbons for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness!? I'm determined to make a difference, and I'll go to my grave trying! I will not stand for this to be a "taboo" topic any longer! It's real life. It happens. It deserves just as much attention(if not more) as our ta-ta's!

I will be lighting candles for Allie Grace, Gregory, Jenna, Ada, Lily and all of the other babies of my dear friends in blog land.

We're not expecting a huge turnout, as we just got word today. I've been spreading the news as best I can on Facebook and Myspace, so hopefully we'll get some people on over. Next year we'll be more ready and can hopefully get a decent crowd!

So...

We had the walk on the 3rd and it went great! Unfortunately we were 40min late, so we missed the memorial and the speaker. However, we did get there in time to release Cameron's balloons and go on the walk.

It was a rainy, cloud day, but when we all went down to the water to release the balloons, the clouds parted and the sun came through. It was amazing and beautiful!

I do have to share a picture with you guys! Every night while I'm rocking Allie to sleep, she does this - she'll grab a hold of Cameron's necklace and hold on tight to it before she falls fast asleep. :)

And here are some pictures from the walk:

Aiden with his balloon to Cameron

Checking out the water before Cameron's name was called

There goes Cam's balloons!

Hanging out with dad by the bridge

There were so many more people this year :(

The covered bridge we go through on the walk

On our way back from the walk