Wednesday, December 15, 2010

So, it's been awhile...

I apologize. Life has been hectic, and I suppose as this wound somewhat heals over time, I don't "need" my blog as much as I used to. It was my crutch a lot of the time.

I guess I just sort of put it in the back of my mind.

Cameron, however, is still alive as ever in my heart and mind! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my sweet little boy! I don't cry near as much, but there are those times where it still hits me and I shed quite a few tears, in the office, by myself, holding his picture to my chest.

We're getting there though! People still bring him up, and friends let us know that they think about him/us all of the time. That means the world to me! I've always been so afraid that people will forget him because they never got the chance to truly meet him. None of us did. That's why I do the things I do for him. It's my job, as his mommy, to keep his memory alive.

There are still times where I'll mention something about him - whether it's his initials or something else - and even members of my own family, say, "Huh?". THEN it clicks. It KILLS me, but I can't be upset with them. I just say his name, very matter-of-fact like, and go on with what I was talking about.

The holidays are always a little harder. Christmas is his special day. I think about him being 2 this year, opening his presents, and seeing the excitement in his little eyes. All I can do is imagine though. But, if imagination is all I have left to "see" him in my life, then I'll take it! I'll picture him sliding down the stairs on his little butt (the way Allie does), and running to the tree (the way I'm sure Allie will), and just staring in amazement, not sure which present to rip at first! I'll picture him sitting there, admiring his new toys next to his brother and sister, and I'll smile while doing so <3

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Cameron's garden and prayers

Cameron's garden is coming along! I'm so happy to finally be starting it! We still have some stuff to clean up, and a few more things to add, but it's already beautiful! Everything he deserves!

It's also nice to know that I now have a spot to go if I need to have some alone time with Cameron. I always tried here at the house - whether it be sitting on the couch or crouched down in front of where his urn sits - but I couldn't concentrate. Too much going on.

I can't wait for the flowers to bloom and to see all of the beautiful butterflies flying around his little place! We got the second blueberry bush planted, and it looks great! I picked the Jersey species because they start blooming and popping berries around July 30, which was the closet to Cameron's birthday out of all the species they had at the nursery! The minute I saw that, I made up my mind that that was the plant I wanted!

I'll get the pictures up tomorrow!

On a side note Iwant to ask that you all say a prayer for my friend and her family. Her sister just lost her baby girl this past Saturday. Little Reese lived for just over a day before going to be with our Lord. My heart is breaking for them, and it hurts to see my friend so heartbroken. I'm not really close at all with the parents, but I know the hurt they're feeling, and to see what they're going through, just brings back everything from when we lost Cameron.
Just please keep them in your prayers, and pray that God lends them his gentle hand to help them through such a hard time.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

What an amazing day!!!

I couldn't have asked for a better day - for myself and for Cameron!!

I made it a point to smile and be happy today, and I did it! Now, there were points where my eyes did water a bit, but for the most part, I looked at today as a happy celebration of Cam's little life, and the imprint he has left on all of out hearts!!

I smiled at how amazing my little boy is!!

His balloon release was great! And I know he was there with us! The sun shown brighter than ever after the release and a monarch butterfly floated above us and follwed us for a few minutes as we were leaving!! I know it was a sign! You don't see something that beautiful and meaningful for no reason - especially after what we were doing!!

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY CAMERON!!! You are oh-so-loved, sweet pea! I hope you had an amazing time today, and smiled just as much as I did!!

         In this one, a friend of mine pointed out that it looks like an angel behing the sun, with the wings coming out on the right side, and a hand reaching out on the left side! This was right after the balloon release, and also the same time the butterfly was flying around us!

       Sissy with Cam's balloons!! It's hard to believe that last time she was there, she was only 3 days old!

More to come as soon as I get them uploaded...

Friday, July 30, 2010

Two years...

I remember this day like it was yesterday.

Except it wasn't - it was two years ago. Two years that have gone by too fast. (I still sleep with that green blanket every night!)

Things are getting easier as each month passes, and as tomorrow comes, I find myself a little anxious, and with that ever too familiar feeling of being on the verge of tears. However, it's a little different this year. There's a little bit more peace within me. I think that's what everyone means when they say that time will make things easier. Every year that passes, takes a little bit of the sting away. I know our hearts will never fully mend, but they will heal more and more as time goes by.

I look at my life now, and as much as I hate what happened to us, I can't imagine what we'd be life had we not lost Cameron.  It's changed me as a person - my view on view on everything around me really. It's changed our family. It's part of who we are. I never thought I'd be a mother to an angel child, but I am, and I've accepted that.

Do I often wonder what it would be like if he was here? Of course. And sometimes, I'll even look at Allie and think of her as Cameron. But then I look at her as her and I couldn't imagine that little stinker not being here with us. She's here for a reason - God knows it and Cameron knows it, and maybe one day I'll see it -But, for now, I don't think about the reasons. I just see my beautiful family and am thankful for everything we do have. Cameron blessed us with Allie to shine some light back into our family, and boy how brightly it shines!! I can't thank him enough for looking after each of us, and taking care of us.

My sweet little Cameron,

I miss you so much. There's really not much more to say, is there? Tomorrow is your 2nd birthday, but you're not hear to celebrate with us. But trust me, sweet pea, we will celebrate you! The little life you had, the amazing strength you showed, and the way you taught me to live again. We'll celebrate it all, but more than anything, we're just going to celebrate sweet little you.I think about you constantly - wondering what our lives would be like if you were here.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I know you didn't get to be here for so long, but I would rather have just a single second with you, than not have you in my life at all. I wish you were here with us, in person, but I'm just thankful we get to have you in our hearts - forever and always. We wouldn't be the same without you. We're a special kind of family now. And that's OK! I'm blessed to have my three children, and even though I don't have you here with me, I'm lucky that I have you to watch over us. I'm lucky that you're around us all of the time, and I know I can talk to you whenever I miss you - be it 3am or in the middle of the day when I'm driving down the highway. You're always there.

Please let tomorrow be as easy on us as possible. Shine that light of yours on us just a little brighter than you usally do! Smile, play, and know that we love you so very much little man!! We'll be sending lots of balloons your way!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I didn't miss these tears...

I've cried for the first time in awhile tonight. There's a part of me that just wants to surround myself in everything that is Cameron right now. I'm yearning to feel closer to him. I think that's the natural mommy thing to feel though. We want to be close to our children, and it's such a struggle inside our hearts to know that you can't be with one of them. You can't hold them, touch them, comfort them, kiss them, etc. And that's what kills.

The only two things I said through my tears were,

"I love and miss you so much Cameron."


"This just sucks."

Pretty much sums it up.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

When he was here...

Do you ever find yourself looking at dates on pictures, papers, tickets, etc. and thinking to yourself, "My baby was still alive on that day."? I ran across a picture a few minutes ago and the date in the corner was 7-25-08. The first thing to go through my head was, "Cam was still with us. His little heart was still beating then".

My eyes watered. It's those little things - those little dates - that give your heart a little jolt.

I've been doing awesome lately though!! I only think fondly of Cameron now.

Does it still hurt? Of course.

But, I smile more than ever now! I talk to Allie about him and show her things. I know she doesn't understand yet, but she will one day. More than anything, it just sucks. It sucks that I can't have all 3 of them here. It sucks that Aiden and Allie never got to meet their brother. But, a the same time, I know it's OK. Because one day, I'll have all 3 of my babies in my arms and they'll get to meet their brother!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

As time goes by, I feel as if I'm losing touch with Cameron. In my heart I know that's not really possible, but as the days pass, and as our lives continue to move forward w/out him, it almost seems as if he's just a whisper in the wind.

I used to feel so "connected" to him. I still do, don't get me wrong, but it's not as strong as it once was. What does this mean? I have no idea. What I do know is that I love him with all of my heart, and that my heart still aches for him so very much. I think life is just really getting the best of me at times. I feel so busy, rushing around with Aiden and Allie. So busy, that at times, I will go a long while w/out thinking of Cameron. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about him, but it doesn't consume my mind like it used to. I suppose time will do that. I hate time. I wish it would just stop, but what good would that do? I'm just so afraid of going so long without him. It'll be two years this Summer. Two years....

And I still remember every bit of him. Every kick I ever felt, every time he made me almost pee my pants. I remember his tiny hands and feet. That's the funny part about this. Time goes by, and next thing I know it'll be 5 years without him, but I will never forget the little things. They're forever etched in my memory.

I'm rambling, and I probably don't make a damn bit of sense right now. It's just so hard to put into words how I've been feeling. I feel guilt. I feel anger. I feel sorrow. I feel my heart still breaking into a thousand pieces from time to time. I try to let the love and happiness I have left outshine those other things, but it takes so much out of me. It's an internal struggle that I don't know I'll ever win.

I'm so completely happy with my little family here at home, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't give up anything. Heather and I were talking the other day, and I told her that before I had Allie, I used to think that I would give up anything to have Cameron back with me. But after Allie was born, I realized that's not true. I couldn't give her up. Ever. It's that part of you that you want to say has almost come to peace with what has happened. I don't want to say I'm OK with what happened, because what parent is OK with losing a child. But, I am OK. Do you get what I mean? I told Heather she would know what I mean as soon as she holds little Ellie in her arms.

I don't know how to explain any of this right now. It's late, I'm tired, and my mind is slightly clouded.

I did want to share this though. I can't remember for the life of me where I found it, but I saved it because it makes me smile every time I read it.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Long time

It seems so empty around here anymore - blogland that is.

Everyone has either just dissapeared or they are busy updating new blogs, with their new babies. I'm the same way! This place used to be my crutch, but I don't need it as much as I used to anymore. It's still the first place I come to write when I'm in a down moment, but those moments are far and few between now. Not that I've never written a happy post - I've written quite a few actually - but, it's more than likely that someone will write more when they're in a bad place, you know?

I haven't been in a bad place in awhile now! I've had a couple of down moments, but nothing bad.

Still thinking of my little man every single day. :) and he makes sure of that too! Just the little things that happen! Take for instance the fact that he was born at 6:55. Everyday I will look at the clock, not even thinking about what time it is, and it will be 6:55. I just smile. And my dreams....oh, the dreams. They bring me more comfort than anything else - they always have. It's the only place I can go to and be with Cameron. I remember one of the first dreams I had about him. I was actually pregnant with Allie at the time, but I didn't know she was a girl yet.

I blogged about it here, but it was basically that Cameron was wheeled into my hospital room, in a bassinet, and I got to hold him, and love on him, and look into his eyes. He smiled at me. Then, in a split second, it wasn't him anymore. It was a baby girl. I was confused and hurt, but at the same time, I was still drawn to this new baby. I wanted to take her home...I knew she was mine.

2 months later we found out we were having a little girl. I took that dream as a sign from Cameron, that Allie is part of him. Some of the things she does, some of her features - they are him. Just as it is with Aiden. I see all of my children in one another, and it makes my heart melt.

My love. Don't you worry your cute little head. I will never forget you. I think about you daily, and you're in my heart always. We love you munchkin!

Monday, January 4, 2010

A long time coming...

Some strange feeling as come over me in the last week or so. I feel horribly guilty for it, but at the same time, there's a sense of freedom attached to it. I use the term "freedom" lightly here because I don't want to make it seem as if I'm wanting to "free" myself of Cameron. I never could, nor would I ever want to.

I just want to free myself of the heartache and pain that has engulfed me in the past year.

I was sitting at the dining room table, Aiden was playing the Wii, Chev was in the kitchen, and Allie was sleeping on the couch. I looked at Cameron's picture and urn on the entertainment stand. It hit me then - THIS is my family. And I'm happy with it.

I love Cameron just as much as I love Aiden and Allie - that's no secret - and, as I check on Aiden and Allie before I got to sleep, that feeling hits me again. I'm happy. I'm truly happy for the fist time since losing Cameron.

Part of me feels guilty for feeling that, but it's what I've been waiting for, for so long. And I know Cameron would never want it any different. For the first time since losing Cameron, I've gone an entire week without shedding a single tear, and I must say it feels mighty good. I held back from feeling this way for a long time, because somewhere in my mind, not hurting and not crying meant I didn't miss him, or that I didn't care anymore.

I've always said you never "get over" or "move on" from what happened. You just learn to live with it - and I think that's what I'm starting to do. I'm learning to see my family as being whole. Why shouldn't I? Yes, one of my children isn't here, but that doesn't mean he's not in my heart. It's taken me a year and half to do this. I'm sure I will have relapses, but that's normal. My heart will still ache from time to time, and I know I'll cry once in awhile. All normal.

I deserve to have a real smile on my face, and my children deserve to see their mother laugh whole-hearted once again.