Monday, March 30, 2009


Does anyone else ever get the feeling that their family will forever be incomplete?

It seems as though lately, something has been bugging me deep down - like I'll never be satisfied. And now, I think I know why...

I was thinking about our little Allie coming and how exciting, bittersweet and amazing it's going to be. But, even while having these happy thoughts go through my head, I find myself with a bit of sadness always lingering. I honestly think it's because, no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, our family will always feel incomplete without Cameron here. Most people have more babies, make more money, get a bigger house - all of that great stuff. But us......well, for us it's never going to happen.

Again, it comes down to never being able to fix that issue that bothers me so much. I know I have to go the entire rest of my life with this empty spot in my heart. We'll always be missing that one thing - - - Cameron.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Breakdown #......nevermind, I've lost count!

I hate the randomness of these breakdowns. I don't know what triggered this tonight, but I've been sitting here for the past hour crying my eyes out.
I just keep thinking how unfair it is to lose a child! Why did Cameron have to be singled out? Why doesn't he get to play with his big brother or snuggle with his mommy and daddy?

As I sit here crying, Allie is kicking away inside my belly. I so love that, but it doesn't hide the fact that we should have a 3 month old in the house. I said before that I'm so incredibly thankful for her, but it doesn't make me miss Cam any less.
He's my baby boy, and he's not here. Now, all I have of him are pictures, and imprints of his tiny hands and feet to show his big brother and baby sister.

Honestly, I think what hurts the most is the fact that I can't bring him back. I can't change what happened. I've never experienced something so heartbreaking and permanent - I had never experienced a loss before Cameron! I always thought I was lucky, but somehow that's just not true. Part of me wishes I could have experienced that before. Not that I ever want to lose anyone close to me, but why did it have to by my baby? My little boy that I never got the chance to really know? Who never got the chance to smile at his mommy, or have his daddy blow raspberries on his tummy. Why couldn't it have been someone who was already lucky enough to have experienced those simple pleasures in life. Someone who had lived their life, and enjoyed it. Instead, my first experience with death, had to be my son. How does someone deal with something like this correctly? I guess it just makes me realize how strong the human heart is, and how resilient the soul is....I just wish I didn't have to find that out this way!

I feel partly guilty for sitting here, a mess like this, while our baby girl is happy as can be in my belly. I hope she can't sense the sadness I'm feeling right now. But, at the same time, I have every right to be sad - even when I'm happy at the same time.
My mind is trying to sort through these emotions that I feel on a day-to-day basis, but it's just so hard!

I'll get through this though! And I know that all of my children know I love them with every ounce of my being.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


I'm 20 weeks today, and I cannot believe how fast the time has gone! I'm half way done!!
It's insane to me! 19 weeks wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but I still thought about it from time to time that day. Over all though, I always get this sense of happiness that goes through me. I know it's Cameron telling me not to worry - that he's making sure everything is going to be OK!

We're finally starting to be able to feel our little girl on the outside now! I tried waking Chev up two mornings ago to feel, but he was so out of it, he didn't know what was going on, lol. I got to feel it with Cameron a lot towards the end, but Chev never did. I try not to think about that, because it makes me sad, but it enters my head everytime this baby moves. But you know, I'm just taking this one day at a time! I'm very blessed and I'm very happy that everything is going so well!

Oh and we finally decided on a name for our little girl (jenjen was high in the running! Jen).
We've decided on ALLIE BRIELLE! We're still debating on keeping it JUST Allie, or putting Alexandra on her birth certificate, but calling her Allie. I just LOVE Allie, but a few people mentioned that it might not "grow" with her. The majority of people I ask, however, don't see a problem with Allie, and think it's such a pretty name! So we'll see! Either way, she'll be called Allie :)

Aiden, Cameron, and Allie - I love it! :)

Saturday, March 21, 2009


So I was sitting here tonight thinking about this new baby girl, and the weirdest feeling came over me. Are we really "moving on" as a family from what happened? I know you don't just move on from losing a child, so I guess we're really just learning to live with it, huh?

Sometimes I think, "Did this really happen? Did we really lose our baby boy?". It just seems like everything happened so quickly, and now there is this new baby coming. I think back to Cameron's u/s pictures when everything was perfect! When he was a happy, healthy little baby, and when I would see his tiny heart beating away. All of that is gone. He's really gone. This really happened to us.

I look at the pictures of our little girl and can't help but think, "You're there now. In a couple of weeks, it will be the time last year that Cameron was there...just starting out with a little heartbeat." I think of how happy and carefree I was then. Of course I'm overjoyed at thought of this baby, but there is still a lot of heartache in knowing that we should have a 3 month old in the house.

....I just feel so helpless and guilty at times. I'm confused too. I know I love my daughter just as much as I love my boys, but she wouldn't be on her way if Cameron would have lived. How do you view something like that? Am I supposed to think, "Well I wouldn't have her if this didn't happen." later on down the road? Are we supposed to be thankful for that?

I am absolutely thankful to be blessed with another baby. I would have just preferred us to have Cameron and then have this wonderful little girl come a couple years later. I'd have all 3 of my kids here with me...

Either way - Aiden, Cameron, and baby girl (I promise you'll have a name soon sweetheart!): I love you guys will all of my heart!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Our little girl

Here are some of the ultrasound pictures we got on Monday! We're still deciding on a name, but we've got it narrowed down to 2! We've got time, so I'm not too worried about it. I'm just anxious to be able to call her by her name. I love the first one and the last one. The first is such a cute profile shot! In the second and last one, you can see her cheeks starting to get chubby! We'll see though, but so far, I make babies with adorable chubby cheeks! lol

She was estimated to be 11oz in these pictures. I can see the resemblance between her and Aiden and Cameron. Especially Cameron, because...well, I saw him in person at that exact age. That kept popping into my head while I was looking at the ultrasound. The tech. kept saying stuff to the effect of, "She's still little, but with the 4D, you can get an idea of what she actually looks like." I wanted to be like, "I know what she looks like, and I know how big she would be if I were to be holding her right now." She's got a bit more fat on her than Cam did - atleast according to the estimate. But, I know those can be off. Before we lost Cameron, they were estimating him to be about 9oz. He was 7.1oz when he was born. Then again, I suppose he could have lost weight from the infection maybe? :( .... I don't know.

I had a horrible nightmare lastnight that I lost this baby. My water broke and I delivered her right there, but nothing was done about it. They just picked her up and whisked her away and I was sent home. I remember in my dream, I kept thinking about how things were with Cameron. How I got to spend time with him, how I got pictures, inprints of his hands and feet, his hat and blanket, etc. I was so upset and cried throughout the rest of my dream. Then I woke up.

I ran down stairs and grabbed my doppler, and picked her up the minute I put the wand on my belly. It was just weird because I haven't had a dream like that in a LONG time.

I fell back asleep only to restart the dream! This happened twice! I should have just stayed awake!

All I have to say is THANK GOD FOR DOPPLERS!! I love being able to check on her from time to time just to ease my mind! :)

Monday, March 16, 2009

It's a....


I'm still in a bit of shock to be honest! I've never pictured myself having a daughter - it was always two boys I saw myself with! And now...I'm going to have a daughter!

I just started crying, shaking, and saying, "Wow...Omg! Omg!" over and over again. The tech even took an extra picture of her bottom because I just couldn't believe it!

Most importantly though, she looks healthy as a horse! She's got all her parts, and they're all where they should be, and working properly! She was VERY photogenic and let the tech get all of the pictures she needed! Except when it came to getting pics of her little footsies. We tried SO hard, but she just kept kicking and kicking, lol.

I'm just in awe right now!! And I'm over the moon over the fact that everything looks great!

I was honestly hoping a bit for a girl. Only because I'm not sure how I would have felt had it been a boy. I guess I just see it as...well, if we were to have two boys (which we do, but I mean HERE), it should be Aiden and Cameron. If she would have been a boy, I think I would have felt a little off about it. It's so hard to explain, and obviously I wouldn't have cared, so long as it's healthy...I just have a little bit of an easier time knowing it's a girl.