Friday, December 26, 2008

I made it!

Well I made it through. It wasn't easy, but we did it!

Honestly, Christmas Eve was much harder than Christmas Day. I think mainly because on Christmas Eve, we were around ALL of the family. We went to my uncle's house, and I was fine when I walked in. I walked past my dad, and he reached out and hugged me and asked how I was doing. I laid my head on his shoulder and said, "Fine..." and then sighed real loudly and the tears just came. I ran to the bathroom and he was quick to follow.

We hugged and cried together, and all I kept thinking and saying was, "He should be here!!". My dad said the same thing - he said that's all he had thought about that day. That Cameron should have been there for everyone to be loving on, holding, and fussing over.
After about 5min. in there, we got ourselves together and walked out. I grabbed a plate and headed out to the tables to get some food. When I walked out there, my mom said, "You OK"? Again, I lost it. I tried so hard not to, but I couldn't fight it. This time I didn't run to the bathroom, I just lost it...right there infront of everyone.
Everyone was very supportive though, and before I knew it, I had my mom, Chev, my aunt, my brother, and my cousins all hugging me.

After that, I went inside to lay on the couch because I was so tired. I just laid there, and triedn to sleep, but nothing happened. I just stared at that angel atop the Christmas tree and started bawling. I got it together and a few minutes and decided I wasn't going to do this. I closed my eyes and talked to Cameron for a bit, and then got up to go and be with the rest of the family.

The rest of the night didn't go too bad. Then we went to Chev's families little thing. They didn't mention a damn thing. Didn't ask how we were doing, didn't mention Cameron....nothing! I love them, don't get me wrong, but they are some of thee most thoughtless people I've ever met! It wouldn't surprise me had they forgotten completely!

Christmas Day was actually a little easier, and I think it's because we didn't have all of the family around. I love my family, they're a great support, and I like being around them, but at that point yesterday, it just reminded me so much how how Cameron should be here. That hurt.

I miss my little sweet pea so much! I know he's here though - always around me. I just have remember that.


I really need to start a separate blog for this, but at the same time, it's kind of cool to have Cameron and his little brother or sister share this.

I had my first u/s on Tuesday. Baby was measuring exactly 7wks, with a heartbeat of 137! We did see another one, but at the time, were not able to pick up a heartbeat. I'm not too worried right now because it's still early, and they didn't do a transvaginal u/s on me. She had to zoom in for us to pick up the hb of the first one, but never zoomed in on the 2nd one to check. I should have just demanded a travsvaginal one, damn it!
She said, "Looks like we might have a twin here!!" and was all excited. Then, when she couldn't find the hb, she said, "Well, I guess we'll just assume it's the yolk sac.". UM, what?! NO. I know what a yolk sac looks like, and I know it's not supposed to be that far away from the baby! Every u/s I've ever seen, the yolk sac is RIGHT NEXT to the baby. Not all the way at the bottom of the sac! You couldn't even see it from the u/s pic she gave us - that's how far away it was from the baby!

So, I have an appoointment with the intake nurse on Monday and am going to ask her about it and see if we can't get in for a transvaginal. I really think the tech. was just doing that to save me stress and sadness. We had talked about Cameron while I was in there, and I think she thought it would have upset me. While I would be sad, I'm so thankful we have atleast one healthy baby in there! Plus, it's not her job to do that.

So, we will see! We've got 2 scenarios here:
1) It was still too early, and baby #2 was just a few days behind.
2) Baby #2 isn't going to develop. I've heard it's very commen (especially when they're in the same sac) for the healthier of the two, to actually steal nutrients and whatnot away from the 2nd one to the point to where the 2nd one doesn't deveopl a heartbeat or to where the heart will actually stop. I suppose it's nature at her best with the whole "natural selection" crap.

I will update after my appointment and let you know what we find out!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

So much going through my head!

I looked at Cameron's picture for the first time in about a month last night. It was odd. I smiled.
I can't explain what went through me, but it was some weird sense of happiness - like I know he's happy where he's at, and I know he couldn't be happier for us right now.

Then there was that little bit of sadness still tugging at my heart - I suppose it will for awhile...if not the rest of my life.

I have a feeling he would have been here by now. Aiden was 3 days shy of being 3wks early. Not to say that every baby is the same, but if my first came a little early, I have a feeling Cameron would have too. Does that make this upcoming week any easier? Definitely not. That was the day we had talked about since day 1, the day that so many people we're so surprised about when we told them our due date. I've only cried once or twice in the past week...just thinking about things. Mainly when we were back in the hospital, and back at my appointments when everything was going OK.

I really do think this pregnancy is helping though. Because, in the midst of this sadness, I feel this little bit of light shining through, and I know that's because of this tiny miracle inside of me. Letting me know that things are going to be OK, and that Cameron is watching over all of us.

I just miss him dearly. I can't and won't deny that I want my baby boy back, but I know that isn't possible, and I need to just remind myself that he's not gone. He's just away for awhile. Or more so, I'm away from him. I'll see him one day, when I go home. We all will. That's really what has gotten me through so many hard times. I've read many accounts of people who have died, and met their loved ones, only to be brought back to life to tell their stories. To know that I will hold him again one day is all I need to think about to be at peace again.

Then there's Aiden. How and when do I tell him about this baby? We've kept it from his so far, but I'm bursting because I know he wants this so badly. And as confident as I am about this pregnancy, I would hate for something to happen and for him to go through that again. He was devastated when we lost Cameron, and I could never do that to him again. I'm thinking maybe after my first appointment? My initial instinct was to wait until I started to show, but I can't wait to see the excitement on his face!

He's learned a lot about death in the past year. From Cameron, to his guinea pig, to two of the kittens our cat just had. I'm sad for him, but it is part of life.

What hurts me is when he asked me one time, "Can I have another brother or sister? When will you have a baby in your belly again?", and I answered, "Yes baby, you can. I don't know when mommy will have a baby in her belly again, but it will happen." He responded with this, "Will that baby die too?".
We were in the middle of the grocery store when this took place, and it stopped me dead in my tracks, and absolutely broke my heart.

I explain the best I can to him that something happened in my belly, and that Cameron got sick because of it, so Jesus took him home with him so he could be all better. He seemed content with that, but I don't want him to think that all babies die and go to Jesus before they're born.

I'll think on this one awhile. 4yr olds aren't the easiest to convince when they have their minds made up about something... lol

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Happy Birthday to me...

Well, things are going well over here.

I've just been trying to keep myself busy, now that Christmas is just around the corner. I know it's coming, I can't stop it, and I'm nervous. I'm nervous as hell. I'm not really sure why though...maybe because I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to act come that day!

I know we'll have tons of family stuff going on, but that's not going to take my mind off of it. Will I cry all day? Will I be OK? Will it be on and off? It's just so uncertain, and that's what I hate.

Heather and I have been talking a lot about our angels lately. It makes things easier, but it just down right sucks that we both have to be going through this!

I am excited about her Christmas gift though! I have decided to purchase a star from the national star registry and name it after Wyatt! She will get a certificate and a map of the star! I will also be doing one for Cameron! I just know she's going to love it!

Today is my birthday, and while it was a good day, it was very hard. I knew there was a possibility that Cameron could have come today...or any day soon for that matter! Plus, it's Thursday. The dreaded Thursday! The day my water broke, the day Cameron passed away, the day we lost the pregnancy last month. But then there's the "OK" aspect of that day. It's my birthday and the day Cameron would have been due.

... I can't believe that day is only 14 days away. I can't believe I'd be 38wks pregnant today.

As far as the pregnancy - everything seems to be going great! I feel great, other than the fact that I'm exhausted 24/7, but I'm not complaining! I just can't wait to have my energy back!

Speaking of...I need to get to bed! I'm so tired, and I've got to be up at 6:00 for work.

Friday, December 5, 2008

2nd HCG levels

Got my 2nd numbers back today!

12dpo = 80
14dpo = 187

They have more than doubled by a bit, so everything seems to be right on track!!

I called my OB's office and set up my appointment with the intake nurse and my OB. My appointment with the nurse is on the 29th, and my first appointment with my OB is on January 12. The receptionist said they would probably schedule me for an ultrasound shortly after my OB appointment, but I think the intake nurse will request one for me sooner. She did when I was pregnant with Cameron, only because I had some light cramping. She made up the reason of "Due date confirmation", because she knew it wouldn't be approved for cramping, lol. She was awesome.

My OB told me he wanted to have one done sooner this time around, to ease my mind about things, so I don't think she'll have any issues scheduling one for me. I'll be 8wks when I see her, and 10wks when I see my OB.

So I'm thinking I'll have the u/s done between 8-9wks.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Just got the call from my Dr.

My HCG was 80 (yesterdat at 12dpo)

I freaked out at first, thinking it should have been higher! Especially since my gf called and told me hers was 500 something at 16dpo (twins for her though). She said that put me at about 2.5wks, and I freaked. I was like, "No...I'm 4wks!". She laughed and said, "No hun, 2.5wks from conception." LOL duh! So that would put me at 5wks, with the baby being 2.5wks. Whew!

I also checked this one site and I'm right on! It said the median for 12dpo is 35, so 80 is great!

I have another draw tomorrow just to check things out and make sure my numbers are doubling how they're supposed to! Once I get those results back, I will call my OB and make my first appointment! :)

So far, so good

Well, so far, everything is looking good. My tests have been getting darker and darker, and I got a "pregnant" on a digital at 11dpo.

I went and had my blood drawn yesterday, and will have the results back today (hopefully!). That's what the lab tech. told me anyway!

I'm feeling great! Other than some mild, normal annoying things, everything is good right now! I know some cramping is normal in early pregnancy, but I haven't even had much of that. No spotting either!

Everyone is very happy for us, but nervous at that same time. Hell, so are we...obviously! But, I'm not going to let what happened to us, prevent me from enjoying this pregnancy. I know every pregnancy is different - I was shown that with Aiden and Cameron.

Bottom Line: We're seriously excited!!!

We had a family moment the other night while decorating the tree. We waited to put Cameron's ornament on last, and we did it together. It was very emotional. I cried, and for the first time since Cameron's memorial, Chev cried too. In a way, it was nice to see. I just grabbed Aiden and all 3 of us just hugged. I couldn't help but think of the little life inside of me. Plus, I knew Cameron was right there with us, so really....all 5 of us were there :)

I never though in a million years we'd be a family of 5!!!!

Of course, I would love to have all of my children here, but I have to remember that I am still very blessed. I've got a wonderful husband, an amazing son here on Earth, a beautiful angel watching over us, and a precious little one inside of me.

I can't help but smile...