Sunday, August 31, 2008

One month already...

My's been one month. How in the world does one month go by so fast when you're hurting so much? It doesn't make sense...

These past few days have been a bit easier. I haven't cried as much, but I am crying when I need to now. I'm trying to learn not to fight it so much.

The girls and I went out lastnight for the first time since losing Cameron. I had a lot of fun and I really enjoyed myself. I had a small moment in the bathroom, but I was OK. It felt good to truly have fun and smile again!!

Today, I went to my friend Heather's Mary Kay party. Heather lost her little boy Wyatt at 37wks. She went in for her scheduled c-section and they found he was gone. I love being around her...talking to her...watching her continue on with life. It makes me realize that things will be OK.
Her cousins friend brought her baby boy over and that was super hard. He was about a month old and the cutest little thing with red hair. When she pulled him out of his carseat, I lost it. I excused myself and went inside the house. I didn't expect to feel that way! I'm ok being around pregnant women and talking about babies, but actually seeing an infant - and a boy at that - was just really hard. Heather came in and her and I talked...she helps me so much!

We came back outside and after awhile, I wanted to hold the baby. Heather suggested that I try it - she said it was very healing for her. So, I sucked it up and did it. I'll admit, it was a little awkward holding this beautiful sleeping baby and crying. His mom had gone inside, so that made it not so weird, but it was crazy to me that this little guy could touch me like that.
When he woke up, he just stared at me and smiled and coo'ed his little bottom off. I fell in love. It hurt so bad, but to look into his eyes and see the innocence melted my heart. He had no idea what I had been through, no idea in the world, but yet he smiled his little heart out at me - almost like he knew that's what I needed.

Heather and I talked about ttc again. We decided we will try together, in November. If something happens before then, so be it, but the plan is November! I just think it will be truly amazing for the two of us to be pregnant again and to give birth around the same time. The significance of that is just beautiful in my eyes...

Friday, August 29, 2008

Playing with the thought of TTC again...

I'm glad to say that today has been much easier on me! I smiled more today, and more importantly, I actually meant it!

I went to lunch with my mom and we talked about Cameron some, which is always nice!! I love talking about him, and that's what people don't understand. Everyone is so afraid to ask questions and talk about it. I want to tell them it's OK - as a matter of fact, he's my favorite subject!

Today was also a day in which my mind was more at ease with the thought of TTC. It's still day to day, just as everything else is right now, but I'm happy to be feeling this way right now. Everyday I try to picture myself pregnant at that very moment, and I see how my mind reacts. Sometimes I can't even fathom the idea and I instantly stop thinking about it. Other days - like today - I get a sense of excitement that goes through me! I want to feel that life inside me again. I want to know that there's another tiny heartbeat inside of me. It won't be Cameron, and that hurts like hell, but I think it will help us...

I wish we didn't have to wait so long, but I know it's best. I dont' want to do anything to jepordize our next child! My body needs to 100% ready to be pregnant again! Physically I feel absolutely back to normal, but I don't know what's going on inside of me.
We will most likely start TTC in October/November

I can't believe it's already been a month!!! Apparently time flies...even when you're not having fun! It honestly feels like I was just pregnant and we just lost him yesterday! Everything went by so fast, and I swear there are days that I need to remind myself that I was, indeed, pregnant.

Like Jenna's mom said - One day at a time.

I have a feeling I'll be living by those words for quite some time...

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Well isn't that lovely

I'm just curious as to why some people are blessed with so many children, when they obviously don't deserve it. They don't see those children as blessings...just more money on their welfare check.

As I was driving downtown this evening I noticed a slew of moms pushing their babies in their strollers down the street! NOT on the sidewalk, but in the actual street! You could tell they were the type to just keep spittin' babies out only to neglect each and every one of them! Why, may I ask, are people like that allowed to have 4-5 kids, and my 2nd one gets taken from me. One that I wanted so badly and love with every ounce of my being.

This, my friends, is the infamous question of all mothers who have lost a child. It will never make sense to us, but we continue to ask it.
I try to tell myself that God only takes the special babies. The ones who were too good for Earth - too beautiful to be here. Then I turn and ask, "But aren't all babies special?". There's just no logic or reason to it and that's something we'll all have to just deal with. That doesn't mean I'm not going to get royally ticked when I see women like that - just means I gotta learn to live with it.

Learning to live with things happens to be the chapter of my life right now. I'm learning to live with losing Cameron - that's the hurdle I'm trying to get over. I can't deal with it or get over it...I never will. It will never make sense to me and I'll never "move on". I'll just learn to live with what happened.

At one point I thought I was making it, but then, recently, got thrown back into the depths of hell. Or atleast that's what it feels like. Not that I know what hell actually feels like, but if I had to take a wild guess, I'd say this pain is pretty damn close to hell!
I just don't know what happened. How did I go from peaceful to broken?! Like I said, I've cried everyday since Cameron's memorial. I've cried myself to sleep the past few nights, and at one point wanted to start punching walls at 3am. Truth be told, had Chev not been there holding me, I probably would have put a few holes up.

However, I have found that comforting other women really helps me to comfort myself. Not just women either - people in general. Even comforting my 3yr old when he gets upset about it helps. The time when I comforted my own father after he broke down from looking at Cameron's picture - it made me feel good inside.

This whole process is a big flippin' mess, I'll tell you that. It's a big, ugly, mean bully that you want to beat the shit out of and get it out of the way. You have to let it pick at you though. Every so slowly, getting you through the process to come out OK

It's like moving mountains...

I can't friggin' breath! Well, obviously I can...I'm sitting here, still alive and typing. I don't feel it though. It feels like someone is sitting on my chest! I have to keep taking deep breaths every now and then to catch it - especially when I watch his montage over and over and over again...

I don't understand this...I haven't understood any of it since day one! I was doing so well - I don't know what happened!! It's so frustrating to feel so at peace one day, and then feel like you're falling apart the next. I don't know how to feel anymore or what to do about these feelings. Do I let them come? Do I fight them? WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?!!?

I walk around here in a constant funk - like I'm numb and nothing matters to me at all. Any smile that comes upon my face is so fake it's not even funny. My mind is constantly with Cameron which means I'm constantly sad because he can't be here with me anymore.
Chev wants to talk about winning the lottery and all of the stuff we could do and how happy we'd be. He's been on this lottery kick for a couple weeks now. Finally, today, I looked at him and said, "What would it matter?! 100-some million isn't going to make me happy!" Then he starts talking about all of the stuff we could do, all of the stuff we could buy, and he didn't understand how that wouldn't make me happy. I wanted to yell at him and tell him that the ONLY thing that will make me happy is having Cameron back, and that no amount of money in the world is going to do that!!! A new car, a big diamond ring, going on vacations around the world - NONE of that is going to bring Cameron back and NONE of that is going to make me happy!! How can he not understand that?!?!

The bad days were getting further and further apart and I felt like I could really, truly smile again. Now all of that is gone! I've cried everyday since Cameron's memorial. I was up until 3am again, crying myself to sleep . I just kept picturing his little face...

I hate this. I hate all of this!!!!

And just a side note:
I know I bitch about Chev every now and then, but he's a wonderful husband. He's been my rock through all of this. We don't see things in the same light, I know, but when I cry he's there in a heartbeat. He's just handling this in the typical male fashion, and it drives me nuts!

Cameron's Montage

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Encounters of the greatest kind...

Today was a better day!

The morning started out a little funky, but nothing like the days passed.

Chev, myself and Aiden had gone to the store and ran into a family friend. She stopped to offer her condolences as she had been out of town when Cameron's memorial service took place. Chev went about his business with Aiden after saying, "Hi" to her.
She stopped me especially to tell me that she too had lost a son 28yrs ago and she knew what I was going through. I was relieved! She wanted to talk, she wanted to ask was just what I needed. We stood there, in the middle of the grocery store, for about 20min just talking about our loss. Sharing our babies with one another.

I had no idea she had lost her son, but was so glad she shared with me. It's so nice to talk to someone who really knows and understands what you're going through. I accept any and everyone's hugs and sympathy, but there's something special between two mother's who have lost a child. It's something that no one wants to be a part of, but it's comforting to know that there are others out there who understand your pain.

I've said this time and time again, and I don't mean it to offend, but, when someone comes up to me, looks me straight in the eye and tells me they know exactly what I'm going through, only to find they had a miscarriage at 6wks - well, it's a little disheartening. Expecting to be able to share everything with them, and then I find I can't because...well...they just won't understand.
I look forward to speaking with women who have held their forever sleeping babies in their arms. There's a bond between us...even complete strangers.

I am in no way WHATSOEVER trying to say that a miscarriage isn't painful - God knows it is. Yes, we hurt because we have both lost a child, but the fact is, that those women don't know exactly what I'm going through. They don't know what it's like to hold that precious angel in their arms, and to have to make funeral/memorial arrangements for their child. I'm so glad they don't know what that's like though...I wouldn't wish this to happen to my worst enemy.

So, my encounter today was refreshing in a sense. When she said to me, "Yeah, our little Jason was 2lbs. 3oz." I immediately felt something with we understood eachother without having to say a word. I thanked her for taking the time out of her shopping trip to tell me her story and to let me tell mine.

I walked in that store feeling somewhat numb, but left with a smile on my face. It's amazing what a conversation can do for a broken heart...

Getting through this bump in the road

It's 1:30 and I can't fall asleep. I'm really trying not to take my sleeping pills, but I think I might have to if this continues.

I don't know what's going on. I thought I would have even more of a sense of peace after the memorial, but it didn't happen. I mean, part of it is there, but for the most part, I feel so numb right now. I don't know if it's because I had started the healing process and was doing so well with it - only to have the memorial bring everything back. Back to the very beginning.

Don't get me wrong, the memorial was absolute beautiful! Everything that Cameron deserved! I was so proud to be sharing that day with our friends and family!! I'll never forget a single part of it. But it all goes back to the scab theory...

I don't think most people would have began forming that scab when I did. Like I said a million times, I was amazed at how well I was going. I owe it all to my faith and to my belief that Cameron is right here with me...always. As wonderful as that was for me, it made the memorial harder. It took me back to square one.

I know I can make it back to where I was, but it's hard being thrown back when you had come so far. I let the tears come - I embrace them. As sad as they are, they've always been great therapy for me.

Chev is working 10hr days this week, so that makes it a bit harder. He'll be home in about 10 minutes. I didn't expect myself to still be up, but like I said...I can't sleep. I'm hoping once he gets here, it will make it an easier night...

Monday, August 25, 2008

Early morning tears

I can't sleep. I woke up about an hour ago and can't get back to sleep. I can't even describe the thoughts going through my head right now. The tears just fell, soaking my pillow, and that's all I could do. I couldn't talk, I couldn't tell Chev what was going through my head...all I could do was cry.

I pictured those blue and white balloons soaring high into the sky, until we could no longer see them again. I was sad to see them go. They flew so high and so fast as if they were on a mission to try to get as close to Cameron as possible. It was so absolutely breathtaking to watch, but it was hard.
I laid in bed, remembering my parts of my speech - the parts of it that made my heart beat faster. The parts where I described, in great detail, to everyone how much Cameron meant to me. I miss my little boy so much...

I've been thinking a lot about that scab the pastor made mention of. I don't think I've ever wanted something like that back so bad. It hurts to have it ripped off again, bringing you back to when everything was brand new - the feelings, the heartache, the raw emotions. I know that 3.5 weeks, in the long run, is nothing. This is still very new to me, but that scab WAS forming, it was becoming part of my heart. It wasn't filling that missing piece - nothing ever will - but it was starting to mend it to the best of it's abilities.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Cameron's beautiful memorial

I can't even put into words how beautiful and perfect today was! I was sure I was going to have a mental break down leading up to the memorial though! But, everything turned out just the way I had hoped.

The weather couldn't have been more beautiful!!! It had rained last night and the night before, and I was so afraid it was going to do the same today - that or it was going to be miserably muggy!
Well no rain, full sunshine, and the rain from the night before actually cooled things off to the perfect temperature! It was perfect!

My speech went well. I made it through it and I feel so accomplished for having done so! It was hard, but thinking of Cameron is what got me through it!
I didn't pay too much attention at the time, but a few people noted that while I was up there, the wind picked up and blew a couple strong gusts through the area. Then, when I was done talking and stepped away from the podium, it quit. I have no doubt in my mind that that was our little Cameron!

Also, the roses we got were so beautiful! They hadn't fully bloomed yet when we picked them up this morning, but by the end of the service, they were some of the most beautiful, big, and fully bloomed roses I had ever seen!

After the ceremony was over, and everyone was just hanging out talking, I sat down for a few. I looked up and the first thing I saw was a beautiful monarch!! I had made mention of butterflies in Cameron's speech. I had said that I know Cameron is all around me - in the rain drops that hit my face, in the gentle wind that blows, and in the tiniest, beautiful butterfly that flutters by. I thought of Cameron the second that butterfly passed by me!

It was a bittersweet day. Everything was beautiful and I was happy for that! I was happy that Cameron got the service he deserved! But, part of me walked away from there so sad. It was like the scab that had been starting to form over my heart had been ripped away. The pastor who spoke said this will happen many more times in our lifetime. He lost his son, who was 18yrs. old to a drunk driver a few years back. I think just seeing all of this things - his picture, his urn, his outfits, his blanket, etc. just made everything come back again. The balloon release was especially hard. Watching them float away, high into the sky was so beautiful, but it tugged at my heart a bit. It was like I was watching Cameron leave us all over again.

...I just pulled out my speech and noticed that it is stained from my tears falling on it this afternoon.

I'll get through this day, and I'll be OK...I know this.

Friday, August 22, 2008

These battles...

These feeling have crept up on me tonight and I hate it.

I went to the movies with a gf, and right in the middle of the movie, I felt like I could just start bawling. Part of me wanted to get up and go to the bathroom and just do it, but that other part of me - that fighter - wanted to sit there and see if I could get through it. I did, but only for the time being.

There's something brewing up inside of me and I only hope that it comes out before the memorial. I want to be able to stand up there and speak like the proud mother that I am, letting everyone know who Cameron is, and who he was to me. Not that I wouldn't be able to do that while crying, but I want to be strong that day. I just don't know.

I haven't cried tonight, but I just feel really "blah", almost like I could care less about any and everything that is happening around me. I don't know if I'll cry tonight, but I can tell you this - the thought of going into the bathroom, shutting the door and just letting it all out sounds absolutely wonderful to me at this moment.
I'm just struggling with that "fighter" part of me. Do I do it or don't I? I know it would feel so good, but I just ....hell, I don't know.

It doesn't help that Aiden has been treating Chev and I like absolute crap. He behaves well around others, but with's like he has such resentment towards us. I don't understand it, as we give him everything, love him unconditionally, don't neglect him...I don't get it. Today, while in the car he said something to me that almost made me start crying right then and there. He had just thrown a huge fit, kicking the back of my seat, calling me stupid, screaming, etc. I talked to him and then afterwards, out of nowhere, he says, "I don't get a baby. I want another baby. A baby like Cameron."
I stopped everything I was doing and asked him what he said, and he repeated himself. He said, "I want a baby." I asked him what baby and he said, "Like Cameron."

Is it possible that this entire event has affected a 3yr old? I know kids are not dumb, but could I have really been that naive to the situation?? He plays, laughs, goes about his normal day, and then there's the acting out. Is that his anger from all of this? Maybe that's what started my funk. Actually, the more I think about it, I think it is.

I don't know...just gotta make it to Sunday, and then figure out where to go from there.

How am I supposed to react?!

I don't know if I can take this anymore! I feel like I'm going to blow up on the hubby at any moment.

Seriously, I get that men and women deal with things differently, but I can't handle the difference. I feel like we're on completely different worlds! He doesn't talk to me, doesn't take time to ask how things for the memorial are going. I'm planning this entire thing by myself, it's on Sunday, and he has yet to lift a finger. I know he's busy with work, and he says he doesn't have time, but yet he had time to go out and finish the shelves for the office this morning!!!

Today we met with the chaplain who's doing the service for us. Great guy - I really like him!! Anyway, Chev couldn't even bring himself to bow his head when the chaplain said a prayer for us and Cameron at the end. You can't even bow your head for your own damn son?!?

I get that he's had some weird epiphany in the last year or so, and doesn't, for whatever reason, believe in God anymore. Do you know how hard that is to be going through something like this with a husband who doesn't believe in God and/or prayer?! He wasn't like that when I met him, but now he is. We really are on two completely different levels. He doesn't get the way I'm grieving or the way I'm healing. How is he supposed to help me if he doesn't understand or believe in any of it?!

I can hardly bring myself to talk to him about any of it anymore! When all of this first happened, I felt closer to him than ever, but when I started realizing how different we view things, it's getting harder and harder to talk to him. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely open-minded and don't look down on those who have different views than myself, but when it's my husband who has 100% changed his views, it's a little hard.

Well, I'm off again, to go get more things to do myself for the memorial....
Dear sweet angel,

This day has come and gone and I still miss you more than anything. I think about you often, and my heart constantly aches for you. I feel you around me, in everything I do, and that calms me in a way that only you would know.

My sweet little boy, do you know how much I truly love you? How much I smile when I think about your precious face? How happy it makes me to know that you are in the most beautiful place imaginable? Well, I bet you do. You know me inside and out. You know my deepest thoughts and every desire of my heart. My biggest which is you.
I know I can't bring you back, but that doesn't stop my heart from wanting you. I can't control it. My heart will always have a piece missing.
You stole that, you know? You stole a big 'ol piece of your mommy's heart, and I hope you hold it dear.

I know I will see you one day, and as much as part of me wishes it were now, I can't leave here. I've got to take care of your daddy and Aiden. They need me around. I have no doubt in my mind that you're in the best of care and that your grandma Carol is showering you with tons and tons of kisses. Please let her know that I can't thank her enough...

Don't mind my tears right now sweetheart. I'm only crying because I miss you - kind of how someone cries when they miss a loved one who is away for a long while.

It doesn't hurt so much just kind of stings a little.

Goodnight sweet pea, I love you...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

A gift from my angel :)

On the day we got home from the hospital, I noticed something new starting to grow in our back yard. I didn't pay too much attention to it, as I was in a huge daze, and it was just a stem at that point, but a few days later I took notice. Amongst the dead grass, weeds, and other greens in our backyard (we've had a shortage of rain), there was the most beautiful flower growing. It stands on one thick stem, and has 8 flowers growing from it. I'm so confused as to how it's thriving when everything else is dying. It makes me think of Cameron and smile everytime I look at it.


It's 3 weeks today. I honestly can't believe how fast the days have gone by! It's so weird though, because at times, I swore time was standing still. The whole process is so confusing to me...but I'm just learning to "roll with the punches" I suppose.

I was sitting here and realized that I don't think about Cameron as much. Atleast not in the past couple of days. He's ALWAYS in my heart, but there's times where I'll stop and realize that I'm starting to go about normal, everyday life, and it makes me sad. I'm so proud of myself for pulling through this the way that I have, but I can't help but feel guilty.
I know Cameron would want no less of me, and I know he's watching me, smiling, because he knows I'm ok!

I still do my little things for him, like kiss his picture and urn goodnight, sleep with his blanket and tell "him" good morning when I wake up. I think it's doing those things that have helped me so much through this healing process. I'm in no way, shape or form saying I am 100% better yet, but I am getting there.

I just never thought I could get through something like this. I've always been a very strong person, and have pulled through some pretty tough times in my life, but I never imagined being able to do the same in a situation like this one. I've come to realize how strong my heart and my will really are...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I will survive...

I was sitting here thinking that it's going to be 3wks tomorrow. I looked up at Cameron's urn and picture and just smiled and told him I loved him.

It scares me sometimes how well I'm doing with all of this. I've always been able to handle things well on my own, but something like this?!
I think I really may have just come to peace with everything. I give the Lord and Cameron credit for that. Without them, and knowing that they are here for me every step of the way, I don't think I could have even been half as strong.
I am still going to have bad moments, I know this, but honestly, for the most part, I'm doing OK.

I still have to really really think about it to realize that it did actually happen. That I was pregnant and that I did delivery a little baby boy. It just never seems real.

I went to the ER lastnight for some chest pain, and I was asked twice about "pregnancy". Even just saying it seemed weird. It was like a foreign language was coming out of my mouth when I'd say, "Well, I just had a baby on July 31." People perk up, and then when I say he was stillborn, a look of horror and surprise comes over their face. Then there is the usual "I'm so sorry", to which I reply with a polite, "Thank you."
Then after the short conversation is over, I think, "Did that really just take place? Did I just say that? This IS real, isn't it?" It's bizarre.

My dad looked at Cameron's pictures for the first time last night. Him and my mom had talked about it the day before, because I had been upset that he didn't want to see Cameron. I wanted him to know who is grandson was, but I didn't realize that people handle things differently. I was being selfish.
I stood there as he pulled out the picture, waiting...watching. He put the picture back in the packet, stood there for a minute and then turned and looked at me. I have never seen that kind of hurt on my father's face. Tears were streaming down his face, and for the first time, since all of this happened, I found myself comforting someone else. Yes, I was crying, but it was because I was hurt for him. I hate seeing my dad like that. I just hugged him - the type of hug that let's someone know that everything is going to be OK.

I think it was then, in that moment, that I realized that everything really is going to be alright - that I am going to survive this.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Coming to realize...

I finished my speech for Cameron's memorial last night and I couldn't be happier with it! To know that I have painted a picture for those that never got to know Cameron, makes me smile. It was hard, but it felt good to have that on paper. It's my heart - in ink form.

I'm hoping to get through it without becoming a complete mess at the memorial. I know Cameron will be right there with me and that helps a lot. I can do this...for him.

I've been thinking more about this whole "me changing" thing. I never thought I would go through something like this, and as horrible as it is, I don't think it's going to change me for the worse. I'm still that same girl, but with a piece of my heart forever missing. Yes, it will alter me some, but not to the point to where I'm no longer recognizable. I want to be that loving, caring person that Cameron knew and loved in the 19wks I had him. It's hard to explain really. I know I'm not that upbeat, cheery, outgoing person I was 2 months ago, but she'll come back...I have no doubt about that. In time, and with healing, she will come back

My view of everything has changed completely - I can say that. I'm more aware of the real importance of things. I'm more grateful for the things I have now. I have a healthy little boy here at home and a husband who loves me more than life itself. Not that those things didn't matter to me before, but the importance of them have come to light. The little things I took for granted before, have been put right in front of me, in the spotlight. I've been shown that life is more important than shopping, spending money I don't have, rushing in traffic for fear of being late, going out drinking, etc. Little stuff like that.

Speaking of realizing the importance of things - I have definitely realized the importance of tears in the past week. When all of this first happened, I cried and cried. After awhile, I hated crying. I would try to hide it and hold it back. After awhile, I saw that doing that only made it that much worse. I would hold it all in until I couldn't anymore, and then it would just come over me like the most forceful thing I've ever experienced. Now, if I need to cry, I'm going to do it. Even if I'm having a good day, but feel I need to go cry for 5min., I'm going to go do it. I've found that it keeps the good days coming, and keeps the bad ones further apart. It's cleansing for me and takes a bit of weight off of my heart when I cry. It's like it's your souls own form of therapy.

I need to go get a guest book for the memorial today. There's also a cute teddy bear I want to get for Cameron. It might seem weird for me to be buying him a teddy bear when he's not here, but I like the thought of getting him his first stuffed animal for his memorial. I need to start on the collage too...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Who am I?

Do you know how frustrating it is to not know who you are anymore? I came to this realization last night. As I stood and looked in the mirror, studying my own face, I suddenly realized that it was like looking at a completely different person.

Do you know how hard it is to look into your own reflection, your own eyes, and for the first time in your life, not recognize yourself? I don't understand it. It was the most bizarre feeling in the entire world. It was almost scary.

I know Cameron's death has forever changed the person I once was, but it's learning to embrace that new person that's the hard part. I've always been very in tune with who I am and, in a moments time, that was taken from me. It's confusing and probably one of the hardest things, besides Cameron's passing, that I will have to deal with.

I feel so broken. I feel almost defeated at times, and at some points I'm not even sure what to do with myself. I'm just sort of "there", ya know? My mind is usually in a completely different place, and half the time I couldn't even tell you what I'm thinking.

I know I will get through this with the Lords loving hand and with Cameron, gently pushing me every step of the way, but it's still hard. It doesn't make it hurt less to know those things, it just makes it a little easier...a little more tolerable if you will.

I'm anxious and scared to see who this new person will be. I have no doubt in my mind that I will be stronger and wiser, but It's nerve-wrecking to know that the girl I've known for 24yrs. is gone...

Saturday, August 16, 2008

The little things

I'm happy to say I'm doing very well today. Last night almost proved to be a bad one, but it turned out so great!

I had gone to my mother's house to visit and let Aiden run around with my dad. We stayed for 3hrs. or so, and then left. When I got home, I took Aiden up to his room as he had fallen asleep on the car ride home. Afterwards, I went back to my car to get my purse. As I picked up my purse I saw some tissue paper (the kind you put in gift bags and such), I did a double take, thinking, "What the heck is that?!" I touched it and felt that something was obviously wrapped in it. I opened it and saw a picture frame.
I pulled it out and there was a poem called "My Angel Mom & Dad". I scanned over it, still confused as to where it came from. My eyes quickly shot down to the bottom of the poem where it said,

Cameron David
Born sleeping on July 31, 2008

I immediately started bawling! They were happy tears though. I clutched the picture frame to my chest as I cried. Then it hit me that I hadn't even read the entire poem yet. As soon as my eyes were clear enough to see again, I read it.

Thank you mom and dad, is what I would want to say
As I grew inside you mommy, I felt your love each day

I'm sorry for the sorrow and the pain you're going through
Please do not feel guilty, there was nothing you could do

Just know that I'm in heaven now, and your angel I will be
My angel mom, my angel dad, I know you cared for me

I'm a little angel now and I hope your heart will mend
And the love you feel for me, never has to end

Hold me in your memory and in your hearts forever
Until the day we meet again, and in heaven we're together

Feel some peace in knowing, that in heaven I am free
And my angel mom, my angel dad, you will always be.

It was my mom and brother who had gotten that for me, bless their hearts. I loved it!! That background to the poem has a little baby angel sitting on a cloud. The frame is silver with leaves all around it.
I loved the idea that Cameron looks at us as his angels for all we tried to do for him.

Not that I was having a real bad evening or anything, but it made me feel so much better! I love getting things like that! Anything that has to do with Cameron, I LOVE!
I've got 2 necklaces coming, some decals and magnets for my car, some books, etc. I'm a bit obsessed, but I've found that it's very healing for me! We've still got the tree to plant, and I can't forget his beautiful memorial that is coming up! Things are coming together quite nicely, and I just know it's going to be perfect for him!

Friday, August 15, 2008

The infamous question


I told myself I would quit asking that question after Cameron passed, but I can't help but ask it...even if it's only to myself.

I wonder if it's something I had done. Maybe I should have taken it easy after they found the small hemorrhage in my uterus. They didn't seemed concerned at all, but maybe I should have been a bit more careful. Maybe I shouldn't have carried Aiden up the stairs to bed those few times or ridden on the speed boat on the 5th of July. All of these things still go through my head. Obviously, no matter what caused it or didn't cause it, I can't change anything that happened.

I was still never told what the results from my one culture was. When I went into the hospital for the 5 day stay, no one ever told me what it was. The last time I asked, I was told that they were just waiting on the results of that one culture...I never heard anything back after that. I'm assuming that means that it was fine, but I'd still like to know.

I also wonder if I had a small, slow leak all along. I remember having a lot more discharge this time around, and every time I went to the bathroom, I had a small wet spot on my underwear. I just assumed this to be discharge, but the more I think about seems that it would make more sense for it to be fluid. There was a difference between discharge and a wet spot. Any pregnant woman knows what I'm talking about. If it was a leak, I had no idea. I'd never been through anything like this before. This thought didn't even hit me until after my water broke.
But I still can't help asking, "What if I would have just mentioned it. Maybe they would have discovered this early on and put me on bed rest."

But, like I said, nothing can bring Cameron back. No amount of tears, wondering or asking, is going to bring my sweet baby back.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The ups and downs

I can breath easy for tonight.

I had a good day today! I contribute last nights break down to me trying to hold everything in. It's almost like, because I had told people I was finding peace in the situation, I felt I shouldn't be crying anymore. I learned how absolutely ridiculous that was last night! It's only been 2 weeks since we lost Cameron!! How crazy was I to think that I would be 100% cured by now!

I hate the bad days, but I know they are going to come and I need to let them. I can't pretend that I'm absolutely 100% ok with all of this. I never will be, but I know it will get better eventually. My heart is still going to hurt a lot, I know this, and I'm going to let it hurt for as long as it needs to before starting to mend itself again.

I also need to learn how to work on these panic/anxiety attacks. I haven't had a full blown attack yet, and I don't know it I ever will, but I need to know how to work on them. I've always been very aware of my own body and very in control of it, so this is especially hard for me. At the same time though, I think that control is what helps me to stop full blown attacks. They happen when I'm away from home and when I know there are going to be tons of people around. I shut myself off completely, and then it gets hard to breath. After that, I have this sensation going through my body like I need to be doing something...moving, yelling, hitting something...just anything! I'll start clenching my fists and/or cracking my knuckles real fast, but it only helps for a second.
It's just...I feel so raw and open. I feel like everyone is staring at me. It's a ridiculous notion, because I'm a complete stranger to the crowd at the mall or park, but I still feel as if all eyes are on me.

It's really weird for me because I've always been very outgoing and have never minded being the center of attention. I suppose, considering the circumstances though, I can see how it would be uncomfortable...

I have an appointment with my OB on the 12th and will talk to him about it. I'm not a big fan of being put on pills though...we'll see what happens.

Where did those good days go?

Wow, so last night was rough. Probably one of the worst I've had since we lost Cameron.

I still woke up with a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have yet to see what that feeling means...only the day will tell.

I don't know where all of my thoughts and feelings of peace went. It's so scary to me that they can just disappear like that in a days time. I honestly just don't know...

I haven't eaten worth a damn since Cameron passed. In 2 weeks time, I weigh less than I did before I got pregnant. My new jeans that I JUST bought are too big on me. I am truly a mess.

I'm getting that panicked feeling inside of me. I need to be doing something but I don't know what. It's eating away at me, and I don't know how to make it go away. It sort of faded away last time, when I started coming to terms with everything (or so I thought). Now it's back, in the midst of my self-healing, and I hate it with every ounce of my being.

Pulling myself out of these pits is what truly defines me. I can do it, I know I can. I've done it before. It's just taking that first step that's the hardest. Even though I've done it before, I still can't figure out how I'm supposed to approach it.

Well, here's hopefully looking at better days ahead...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

This is just the beginning and it hurts like hell...

Why do I feel like I just went back to square one tonight? I can't stop crying and I feel as if my heart is just crumbling into the tiniest of pieces at this moment. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm so confused by all of this.

I actually screamed through my tears for the first time tonight. I went out back and just yelled, "Why!?". I don't know if I was expecting some magical answer, but I didn't get anything. I don't think I ever will.
Plus, I'm sure the neighbors think I'm a raving lunatic right now.

I feel so numb right now. I don't feel like I'm really here. I'm typing, of course, but it's through tears and a blank state of mind. I can't feel anything right now. I can't describe the pain. It's unbearable at times, and tonight is one of those times.

I just want to curl up in a corner and cry myself into another state of mind. One where I don't know what's going on. Does that make sense? I just want to go back to 2 months ago, when everything was fine. When Cameron was happy, healthy, and still with me. His little heart still beating in that ever too familiar fashion.

I remember the first time I heard that wonderful sound. I was 8wks. and it was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I remember it clear as day at 171 beats per minute. How I wish I had that back. My sweet little angel.

No matter what I try to tell myself, nothing is working tonight. It's all tears and heartache. I wish Chev were home...I feel so alone right now.

Aiden is sleeping. I just stare at him and am so thankful I have him. It helps. But to know that he knows that Cameron isn't coming home in 4 months just breaks my heart even more. He so looked forward to having a little brother.

Yes, I still know that Cameron is in a better place, and I know he's OK, but that doesn't stop the heartache. It can supress the tears for a short time, but as I've been shown, they only come back in full swing. There's no need to fight them...which is what I feel I've been doing.

I've been that way my entire life. Trying to be the "strong one". I've never been faced with something like this though. I never thought I'd walk in these shoes. And now that I am, I really, honestly, don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to handle the ups and downs of this.
It's so hard to feel at peace with everything one day and then feel like a complete mess the next. I just don't get it.

I realize the grieving process is a difficult one, but who gave it this much right to be such a complete cluster f*ck of emotions?!
Someone was telling me there are stages to this whole thing. Well ya know, I couldn't even tell you what stage I'm at. I feel like I've tampered with all of them at some point or another in these past 2 weeks...hell, this past month, but have yet to fully settle and experiance one the way I'm supposed to.

My eyes are dry, swollen and they burn. My face is itchy and red from the tears.

I look in the mirror and am so sad by what I see. I think to myself, "So this is the face of a grieving mother. Up close and personal."
I never thought I'd see this face, but I saw it in my close friend 2.5 months ago and, now, I see it in my own reflection.

..can't I just be sedated? No, seriously.

What do I do with myself?

At this very second my heart is aching. I just keep thinking about my little angel's face. So beautiful, so peaceful. I don't ever want to forget what he looked like. I never will.

I know it's late and I need to go to bed. It's early in the morning and late at night that I usually feel this way. The quietness lets me think too much.

I want to pull out his pictures right this second and study them like an open book. I want to, but I can't and I don't know why. It's just's left me in a funny mood.

Tomorrow will be another day, but tomorrow will also mean we're getting closer to the 2wk mark. 2 weeks since we lost Cameron. God, how time flies.

I still have a scab from the IV while in the hospital. I just noticed it and my mind flooded with memories. I can't begin to describe what the first night w/out my baby was like, and I'm not going to even try at this point.

My mind is obviously ALL over the place right now. I'm going to try a sleeping pill and wander off to bed...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Cameron's Memorial...

I have been getting things around for Cameron's memorial service, which will be held on the 24th.

I love getting these things around for him and knowing that it's going to be the most beautiful service ever! I want people to feel the love I have for my son, and know that I am not mourning him, but celebrating those precious 19 weeks that I had with such an amazing little boy!

The planning should keep my mind occupied, which is always a good thing. The fact that all of this will revolve around Cameron should only make it that much easier. I LOVE doing things for's almost become an obsession, lol.

I'm making the cards to send out today. Or at least getting the layout of it started. I'm slightly at a loss as to what to do as far as a program goes. The service will be small, with about 30 close friends and family, and very personal. We're setting it up ourselves at a beautiful little site here in town. We planned on doing a butterfly release for him, but there's not enough time to get them ordered. Plus, they're not cheap! So we decided, instead, to do a balloon release.
We will have 19 balloons, representing the 19 amazing weeks I had with my sweet angel. Chev, myself and Aiden will release them at the end of the ceremony, while Cameron's song is playing.

I'm still trying to decide what flowers I want on his table. I thought about doing a couple vases of roses, and then spreading some rose petals on the table. I also wanted to leave one rose, along with the program on everyone's chair.

We'll see. No matter how I do it, it's going to be beautiful because Cameron was such a beautiful little soul.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Our Story - the short version...

After 3 months of trying to conceive our 2nd child, my husband and I were elated when, on April 13, 2008 we found out we were expecting! Not only that, but our little bundle had a due date of December 25! We couldn't have asked for a more perfect Christmas gift.

However, on July 10, our dreams were shattered. I was exactly 16 weeks pregnant, and my water broke. We rushed to the ER where it was confirmed, and were given a very grim outlook with very few options. They told us we could induce labor right then and there or we could wait it out. We had just seen our little boy on ultrasound 15min. earlier, doing great! Heart was just beating away and he seemed oblivious to what had just happened to his once comfortable, watery home.
We decided to wait it out.

I was hospitalized for 5 days, on antibiotics, watched for infection, and monitored closely. After 5 days, I was sent home to be on strict, complete bedrest. I was willing to do anything to try and keep Cameron cooking as long as I could. We did great! His fluid level never got real high, but it never completely dissapeared either.

For 3 weeks we made it. My little boy fought his heart out as did I.
On July 30, however, things took a turn for the worst. I was feeling fine all day, but around 8pm, I went to the bathroom and there was a lot of blood. We rushed back up to the hospital where they did an ultrasound. They found Cameron and a heartbeat. I was so relieved. Then, as I looked at the ultrasound screen, a profound sadness came over me. Something struck my heart. I didn't know why I was feeling this way. I saw that Cameron was OK! Or at least I thought he way...

They decided they were going to check for a heartbeat every 4hrs. since the bleeding was not stopping. The nurse came in at 2:30am and checked it. 151bpm...perfect!! Before I fell back asleep, I prayed to God. I asked him that if he was going to take Cameron, to take him now. If Cameron was suffering in any way or if he was uncomfortable to take him. But, if he wasn't, to leave him with me and continue to give us both the strength needed to go on.

At 7:00am, the nurse came in to check his heartbeat. She got out the dopplar but couldn't find it. She brought in the other nurse, but to no avail. Once again, the Dr. came in with the portable ultrasound machine. She put the wand on my belly and I waited...holding my breath. There was my sweet boy...without a heartbeat. I searched and stared frantically for that little flutter I was so accustomed to seeing. Nothing.
I felt like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest. Through the hurt, however, there was a small sense of relief. The relief that my little boy was no longer uncomfortable, and that he was with the Lord now.

At about noon, I was started on cytotec to get labor started. One pill was inserted right up by my cervix, and I was given 4 pills to take orally. At 3:00pm, I was given 4 more pills. Things started picking up, so they decided to skip the 6:00 dose and see what nature would do. I was told the process usually takes up to 24hrs. I was a bit alarmed by this!
But, as my body would have it, things progressed much quicker! Around 6:40 I got that ever to familiar pressure. I told the nurse I thought it was time. She checked me and said Cameron was right there.

At 6:55pm, on July 31, our little boy was born, but he did not take a breath. He was 19 weeks old. He weighed 7.1oz and was 8.5" long. Long and skinny just like his momma. He was so beautiful and so perfect in every way.

I will never "get over" what happened to us, and I can't see myself "moving on". I will, however, learn to live with it. It has not been almost 2 weeks, and I am at peace. I still have my bad days, but that is expected.
I love Cameron more than anything, and he will always be a part of this family. He will always be our son and Aiden's little brother! I don't blame God for what happened. I only give him thanks for letting Cameron be with us for those 3 extra weeks, and taking Cameron to be with him when it was time. I am grateful that I got to hold my little boy and see him in such a beautiful, perfect, peaceful state.

We will try again, but I don't know when. I know Cameron wouldn't want for me to be sad, but he would want to see me smile through this. He will not want me to long for a child with heartache. I know he would want us to give Aiden another sibling here on Earth.

We have talked about starting to try again in October. It's a great month! My husbands birthday, our wedding anniversary, and National Pregnancy and Infant Loss month.
If we happen to conceive before then, It is because God saw fit for us to do so. Or a little sign from Cameron that it's OK to start again...