Tuesday, February 24, 2009

16 weeks...

So here I am again...16 weeks pregnant. Except at this point last July, just before 5:00pm, my water broke. It's now 5:45, and so far so good.

I am still anxiously awaiting this day to be over with, but I have no doubt that it will go by just fine. It's just a scary thought you know - to know that I was sitting in this exact spot, with my legs crossed in the same fashion, only to stand up and have my water break.

I really do have no doubt in my mind that I'll be holding a happy, healthy baby this Summer, but the nervousness that surrounds this day (and probably week 19) can't be ignored. I've actually done well today, going about things as if it were just another day. I figured that it was the only way I was going to be able to stay sane today, lol

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The heartache...

I heard one of the songs we played at his memorial, and another song I played for myself that first night in the hospital after he was born. I just can't get over how I can picture everything so clearly. I think it's so hard because those memories go through us in mere seconds. It happens so quickly, and our minds and hearts can't figure out what the hell just happened in those seconds it takes to remember. How can we be brought back to something so quickly, and have it be so vivid at that?

It's absolutely heartbreaking. I broke down tonight - harder than I have in a long time. All from hearing that one song, and seeing myself lying in that hospital bed, for the first time with out my little boy.

I ran and grabbed Cameron's urn and just squeezed it against my face and I bawled. I told him I loved him and how sorry I was. Sorry that he's not here with me, sorry that my body failed him, and sorry that he has to see his momma this way.

I hate being like this - you know, being pregnant and all. I don't want to stress myself out, but I can't just let this go. It's hard being pregnant and mourning the loss of my little man at the same time. I've already got so many emotions flying through me -on top of the heartache of still missing Cameron. It's so confusing and frustrating. But, it's the task I took on when I decided I wanted to be pregnant again. I've done relatively great since I got pregnant - trying to see the bright side of things and all - but I still have those moments. The moments where I miss him more than words could possibly say. The moments when I wold give ANYTHING to have him here with me. Those moments when I wish, if only for a second, I could catch of glimpse of my sweet angel -to see what he's doing, how he's doing....what he looks like...if he still has those chunky little cheeks.

Oh goodness...

I knew it wasn't going to be easy doing this, but....I know it will be worth it when I can hold this baby and thank Cameron for watching over us, and making sure his little brother or sister gets safely into this world.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Cherry flavored Carmex

You know how certain smells bring you back to a certain time? The smell of burning leaves brings you back to the Fall time when you were little. Or how the smell of a Summer night can bring you back to those wonderful nights you had with your friends?

Well, for me, at this moment, it's cherry carmex! I smelled it this morning when I unknowingly grabbed the tube. I thought it was just regular. As I put it on, the smell instantly struck me and every part of me when back to last Summer. Back in the hospital room. I remember putting it on religiously while I was there, but when we got home, I didn't want anything to do with it. It reminded me too much.

It's just so strange how this little tube can affect me so much! I have never had something bring me back to something so strongly. I smell it and can literally see myself in that room, looking out the window at the trees, and wondering what was going to happen to my little boy. I can remember the bed, the walls, the bathroom...it's crazy to me.

Sure, when I smell those burning leaves or that Summer night, I can remember other nights like them, but the images aren't nearly as vivid as that hospital room. I closed my eyes, scrunched up my forehead and shook my head - almost as if it was something I didn't want to remember. Of course I want to remember Cameron (and I always will), but those days and weeks in and out of the hospital - not knowing what was going to happen from one day to the next - was pure torture!

...damn Carmex.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Just a little update...

I am now almost 15wks pregnant, and everything is still going great! I won't lie - I'm a little nervous about that 16wk mark, since that's the day my water broke. I told my parents I would be taking the day off work, so I could just hang out that day, and sort of relax.
I'm making it a point not to stress over it too much, but obviously there is a fear there. I know the chances of my water breaking again are still in the 1-2% range, and that the chances of it happening again, at 16wks, is probably much lower.

I have my big ultrasound on March 16th. I'll be 19wks then. I'm very glad they scheduled that when they did, because I want to see this baby and KNOW that everything is OK during the time that Cameron passed. I have no doubt that this baby is, and will be, fine, but it's just nice to see them, you know?

My gf and I were out shopping today, and I was looking at baby stuff. Every time I ran across a 0-3mon baby boy outfit, there was a little tug on my heart. My little man should be wearing that now!! Then there were the ever-so-cute St. Patties Day and Easter outfits. I could just picture myself buying them and being so excited to put them on Cameron! :)

My Valentines was great! Chev hand-made an awesome frame to go around Cameron's collage I made. I was actually very impressed by it!! We're getting the vinyl wall letters and putting "An Angel is Always Watching Over You" above it on the wall where it will be hung. We're putting it in the babies nursery. I thought it would be a great tribute to Cameron, and will let our LO know that his/her little brother is watching over them.

My baby bump is just starting to poke out, which I'm getting more and more excited about! I don't tend to get that big, and it takes awhile for people to actually tell I'm pregnant, so I'm very anxious to get that hard, round belly! I can't wait! The time is going by so damn fast though...I hate it. I mean, I like it, but at the same time, I really just want to enjoy this pregnancy for all that it's worth. My pregnancy with Cameron seemed to go by so slow compared to this one. I mean, I'm going to be 15wks in 2 days!! It's insane!!!

We're also starting the planning of Cameron's garden out back. We're making a big, beautiful rock garden with a small blossoming tree and a butterfly house. I absolutely cannot wait to get started on it! Not only will it be beautiful, but it will make our yard look 10x's better! I'll have more ambition to do "yard work" when it's for my little man ;)

Monday, February 2, 2009

Where did this come from?!

My tears are heavy right now. Probably the heaviest they've been in months.

Not that I'm a distraught mess, but I'm literally just sitting here with loads of tears falling down my face. No sniffles, no loud cries...just sitting here in silence as they fall. I had no idea they were coming, but the minute I started to write - the minute the word "sweet pea" escaped my fingers - it was over.

Maybe I needed that. I haven't written TO Cameron in quite some time, and did it for the first time in awhile tonight. I typically write to him in his journal, but one of the mom's one my birth board started a thread titled, "Letters I wish I could write". Most of them were silly and gave me a good laugh. Others were somewhat violent, lol, but I laughed. Then there were the select few that really touched me. The ones from those who have lost their babies.

I though, "What a good idea!!". Then, as I read another's mom's entry, I got that quivery lip. Still, I thought I would be fine. I started to write, and BAM!

Not that it bothers me in the least bit. Crying, to me, is an amazing outlet of something deeper inside of us. While I may not have been outwardly upset lately, that doesn't mean that my heart isn't hurting. And that doesn't mean that I'm not going to still cry from time to time. My heart is still as broken as it was the day Cameron left us. It will never be fixed, but I'll learn to live with this impaired heart of mine.

... As most of "us" do.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

6 months

It was our 6 month mark yesterday, and I cannot believe it. Seriously, where has the time gone?
There's seems like such a difference between 5 months and 6 months - I think just because it hits that "half year" mark.

We took Aiden to an indoor water park yesterday with some other friends and their kids! It was fun and Aiden had a blast, but I kept staring at all of the little babies that were there. I should have had Cameron there with me - he would be just over a month now. Ugh, I just miss him.

I still have my mini breakdowns on occasion, but it's normal. I know he's in a better place, and I know I'll see him one day, and that makes me feel a bit better. I just can't forget to remind myself of that from time to time.

The dinner we had last weekend went well. It was just sad to see all of those people there. The chaplain got everyone a little ornament/decoration. It's a set of angel wings, with a heart dangling in the middle that says, "ALWAYS In Our Hearts". Of course, the minute he gave ours to us, I broke down crying. I didn't feel so awkward when I looked up and saw other women crying. It was a very nice dinner overall, and the chaplain announced the company was going to make it an annual event. He then said something that struck me! He said, "Hopefully this group won't get any bigger, but unfortunately it probably will...". It's so sad, but he's most likely right.

Other than that, things have been going well around here. I have my 14wk appointment next week. Everything has been going great. This has been a text book pregnancy so far. It makes me feel a smidge better. With Cameron, I had cramping and spotting for awhile. Just minor issues from the very beginning.

I said I was going to just sit back and enjoy this pregnancy, and that's what I'm doing. Obviously thoughts go through my head from time to time, but I don't let them get to me too much. That's a huge reason why I bought the doppler too. I check the little one everyday. Not because I feel like anything is wrong, but just because I like that reassurance.

I would just love for August to be here already. What I'm most afraid of, is having the baby early, and being in the hospital for Cameron's 1yr. I had Aiden 17 days early, Cam's day is only 11 days before my due date. While it would be special for them to share that day, I don't want anything to overshadow him. I could never let that happen, but to others...well, having a living child here...I just feel like they would completely forget about Cameron because he's not, ya know??

We'll see what happens, and cross that bridge if/when it gets here.