Monday, May 25, 2009

Just thinking about something

You know, I was thinking the other day, and I actually said something to my girlfriend about this.

...I'm tired of feeling so sad when I write - whether it be on here or in Cameron's journal. I don't want to feel empty anymore. I don't want to have the heartache. I only want to smile when I think of Cam. I want to be happy, and celebrate the short life that he had. Otherwise, I feel as if I'm not honoring him in the way he deserves. I know when I die, I want people to only laugh and be happy when they think of me. Of course, without a doubt, there will be tears - it's inevitable. But, overall, I want people to be happy for me! Happy that I'm free of this Earth - this ever increasingly horrible world of ours. That I'm in no pain, I'm perfect, and I'm happy.

Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of times where I just think of my little man and I smile my heart out! I think of how perfect he must be and how happy and carefree his little world is. I couldn't want anything more for him! It's just...I don't know...I suppose the sadness comes from one simple fact: I miss him.
I'm not all depressed, and I don't hate the world. I'm not some miserably sad person, who can't function from day to day (although at one point in time, I did feel like it). I just hate how one day I can feel at peace with everything, and I can breathe, only to have a horrible pain tugging at my heart the very next.

I just miss my son. Nothing more, nothing less.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Somber moments...

My gf's sons' angelversary is coming up on Wednesday. I've talked about her on here before, if you all remember. Her name is Heather, and she lost her baby boy, unexpectedly, last May at 37wks. I'm so sad for her, but at the same time, I'm scared for myself. I'm there for her right now in any way she needs me to be, but I think part of me is doing it to comfort myself. Because I know, in 2 months, I'm going to be there myself. 1yr. ....geez.

I see how "dead" she looks inside, and I don't want that to be me, but how do you control something like that? It just started with her a couple of weeks ago, and I've been thinking about her, talking with her and praying for her in the past weeks. I don't want to have that look in my eyes ever again. I remember how vacant I looked after Cameron passed - I had no real "life" inside of me. I would look in the mirror and just stare into my own eyes - trying to see even the smallest hint of the old me, but it was no use. I was gone...

Today, almost 10 months later, I can say that I don't have that problem. Yes, I still have those days where I feel absolutey crushed inside, but it passes, and it's not nearly as bad as it was last Summer. I still wonder sometimes how I got through it - how any of us get through it! I think about him so much, and I just miss him terribly. I looked at pictures from his memorial and remember things so vividly...even the smell of the air that day. I can walk out, into our mudroom, and when that little air freshener goes off, I just smell it and it reminds me of everything. I love remembering all of these little things, but at the same time, I wish I didn't have to. Does that make sense? I wish, instead, I was remembering the minute Cameron was born, crying, and heavy in my arms. I wish I was remember his first smile or his first little "coo". But I'll never remember those things, because I'll never get to experience them in my life here on Earth.

I just wish for a moment that I could be in another time...another place...with him. Even if it were just for 10 seconds. Just so I could touch him, hold him, and kiss him. I just truly hate being this long without him, only to know that as the years pass, it's not going to feel any better. One day, I'm going to be without him for 10yrs, 20yrs, 50yrs!! My goodness... much as it hurts to think about that, I have to remember that each year that passes, is just another year closer to me being able to see and hold my sweet baby boy. God willing, it will be awhile, but the wait will be so worth it.

Oh and I did start a separate blog for Allie. I just found it too hard to come on here and post all over Cameron's blog, you know? So, here ya go if you're interested! (I need a little help removing the template, so if anyone knows how, please let me know!)

Monday, May 11, 2009

so-so day

Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, although it wasn't exactly easy either.

The entire day yesterday, all I could think about was Cameron when someone would tell me, "Happy Mother's Day!". Of course I thought about Aiden and Allie too, but I wanted to tell people, "Thank you! I'm the mother of 3 wonderful little people!". Everyone knows Aiden, and obviously, you can tell by looking at me that I'm pregnant, so those are the only ones people asked about. :(

Before we left, I went to the store to get a card for my mom "from" Aiden, Cameron, and Allie (she thought it was super sweet), and the minute I walked in the store, I heard the song, "To Where You Are" playing. That was the main song at Cameron's service. It took my breath away, because up until that point, I hadn't heard that song since his day, last August 24th. I found myself mouthing the words and smiling to myself the entire time I was in the store.

We went to my Grandma's house for a cookout, and it went well. I started crying on the way over there - although I hid it from everyone in the car. I just kept thinking about holding Cameron in my arms and just sighing and saying, "Oh sweety....". It just kept replaying in my head, and I couldn't stop the tears. By time we got there, I was fine for the most part and had a really good time.

But then at one point a bunch of us were sitting there, and my cousin asked Aiden what if he wanted a brother or sister. Aiden said, "I'm having a sister!". She then said, "Do you want a brother?". I felt that all-too-familiar sting with that question. Aiden didn't say anything, and then she said, "You need a brother, huh?". I wanted SO bad for him to say, "I already have a brother.", but he's four, and while he knows he has a brother if you ask him specifically, the thought doesn't enter his mind when he's approached like that. I wanted to say, "You have a brother, don't you sweetie?", but I couldn't. I knew if I did, I would lose it infront of everyone. I did anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. I just looked at her, gave her a crooked ass smile and then just started crying. Her mouth dropped and she said, "Oh my God...I'm sorry!". Her, her boyfriend and my aunt were the only ones who saw, because I quickly turned my head and buried it in Chev's shirt.

Part of me felt like I was being overly sensitive, but I don't think that was it at all. First off, when it comes to losing your child, I don't think you can ever be overly sensitive. Second, I think it had a lot to do with things just building throughout the day - that was just sort of the icing on the cake for me.

It wasn't a horrible day by ANY means, and I did enjoy myself, but I was just so emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. I thought about every one of my friends on here yesterday - especially those of you who have lost your first child. Each one of you would pop into my head and seperate times, and I just prayed that the day wasn't too hard on any of you. I prayed it wouldn't be too hard on any of us...

Saturday, May 2, 2009

9 months

I miss Cameron so much right now. I miss him always, but at this exact moment, I'm missing him a little more than usual.

It's been 9 months - 9 long, whole months since our little boy was taken from us. Once again, I just can't believe he's been gone that long. I even remember a point, after we first lost him, that I thought 9 months would never come - like we would always be stuck in time. Sometimes there are moments when I wish we were. Sometimes I wish we could go back to those days before he passed away. Physically, he was the closest to me as he'd ever been. I still had him with me. But...I can't stop time. It's hurts. It hurts like hell to know that I have been that long without my son. That I've been 9 months without him in my arms. 9 months since I've kissed him. No mother should have to go that long w/out her child. But, unfortunately, I still have much longer to go. It kills me.

There are still days where I have to remind myself that this really happened to us - almost like I forget that our son died. I don't know if it's some sort of defense mechanism we have built into us or what, but it's frustrating. It makes me feel like my memory is slipping away. I would never let that happen, of course, and even so I doubt it's even possible to do!

It's early and my mind is being consumed with a million thoughts at the moment. I think I'll head back to bed and try to get a bit more sleep...