Thursday, October 30, 2008

Just thinking...

Well, i think we're going to take the Docs advice and not TTC until December. I'm even thinking January/February...

Just to give us some time and all that. With the way I've been feeling lately, it just doesn't feel like that "right" time for me. Plus, I'd love an October baby! :)

Short and sweet - off to bed!


I'm so frustrated right now!!! I just want to be pregnant again, and for whatever reason, It's just not happening.

Ok, ok...we've only been trying for two months, but after an early miscarriage, and then not even ovulating, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me!

I'm scared to death I won't be pregnant by Cameron's due date!!!

I shouldn't even have to be trying again! I should be going on 8 months pregnant! It's so shitty.

I've already had enough heartache in the last 3 months to last me a lifetime, and now my body won't even let me get pregnant again. The frustrations of trying to conceive, when you're already a total mess, do a number on a girl, I'll tell you that.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

What's wrong with me?!?

So I'm very comfortable in saying that I had a chemical pregnancy last month. For those that don't know, it's basically a very early miscarriage. It happens in 50-60% of pregnancies, and only with these early pregnancy tests, have women been able to find out.

Had it not been for those tests, I wouldn't have thought twice about it.

I had taken 4 tests all together. The first one I took was a cheapie and I swore I saw something! So, I took another cheapie. That was looked negative to me. So, I went out and bought some decent ones, and at first I didn't see anything. I left it in the bathroom, and after about 5min. went back and, once again, swore I saw something! I thought for sure my eyes were playing tricks on me and it was only because I wanted to badly to see something.

I took the test apart, looked at it closely and still saw it. I turned the strip over and saw an indentation line with the SLIGHTEST hint of color to it. I thought, "Evap line?". So I tested again in the morning with the same kind, and the same thing happened. Not only that, but my temps were super indicative of pregnancy!! Almost the exact temps I had when I found out I was pregnant with Cameron...

Then, a day or two later, I got my period - 4 days early and boy was it hell. Probably one of the worst I've had!

My cycle this month has been all kinds of screwy. I don't get my temps or my OPK's and monitor. I thought I had O'd this past weekend. Well on Sunday, while at the store, something gave me the urge to get some OPK's. So, I did.
I peed on one that night and, while negative, it was very dark. I did another on in the morning and it was 100% positive. I didn't understand because everything else had pointed to me O'ing over the weekend at some point.

Someone brought up the possibility that I even O'd sooner than that and the OPK was showing up + because maybe I'm pregnant. So, just to rule things out and figure out what's going on, I took a test. It was negative.

I then took that test and compared it to the 2 I had taken last month. They were completely different. There was no hint of color or indentation of a line.

It just sucks to know that something was there, but it didn't work. I know this feeling all to well. Cameron was here, but my body didn't work the way it was supposed to, and now he's gone.

I'm not super sad, or beating myself up over this... just kind of disappointed. I wish there were no pregnancy tests. That way, I wouldn't have known.

What is so wrong with my body!? Why was I able to get prengnant in a split second, have a perfect pregnancy, and deliver a perfectly healthy baby just 4yrs. ago, but now I can't seem to do any of that...

Off and On

This week has been better - so the pattern always goes.

My friend just had her babyshower for her son. Our boys were supposed to be only a month apart. It was super hard to be there, but I'm very happy for her. I was doing fine until we started playing games. I won one of the games and got to open the gift. Well, they had it set up to where she got the gift you open. So, I start pulling the tissue out of the bag, and then start pulling out baby toys, baby bottles, and bibs. It hit me then. I should be opening these things in a couple weeks - things that would have been for Cameron. I quickly put the things back in the bag and set it down next to her without saying a word.
Then it was time for her to cut her cake. While she was doing this, I couldn't help but look up at the sign in the window. "Baby Boy! Welcome Jace!". Cameron's name should have been on one of those signs here soon...
At that point, I lost it. I went outside and just bawled. Heather was there, thank God. She came out with me and we talked. She had a pretty hard time too, and that was the first time I had seen her really cry since the walk back in the beginning of October.

It was just an overwhelming sense of sadness inside. It sucked.

Then today, I get yet another baby diaper in the mail. This time from huggies. The front of the package says, "Happy & Healthy: Almost there!" - Everything about that statement is wrong.

However, today was not all bad. I had gone to the bank just a little bit ago. I walked up to the counter and chatted with the girl behind the desk while I was filling out some papers. She asked, "How are you doing? I heard what happened..." I was stunned! I didn't even know this girl! Come to find out she went to school with Chev. I told her I was doing OK, and she said she couldn't even imagine and that she was so sorry. I told her that Chev and I were doing as best as can be expected, and that we're getting through it. I also mentioned that we are hoping for a little Summer baby. She smiled at me and just said, "That'll be nice...".

It's people like that that I appreciate so much! She didn't try given me some random words of wisdom, or pretend to know how I felt. She simply asked how I was doing, and offered her condolenses.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Is this the road to nowhere?

Oh wow. My mind has been everywhere and back in the past week. Half of the time I don't even know what I'm thinking. All I know is that this sucks. It sucks and it hurts...plain and simple.

I keep going back to the hospital. I remember lying there with Cameron in my arms. I could feel the weight of him (even though it wasn't much) lying in my arms. I stared out the window and, for a second, I tried to pretend that everything was normal. That I was holding my newborn baby boy in my arms and that he was just sleeping. My mind wanted to believe that was true, but the moment I looked down, every hope that I had, every wish that was going through my head, was shattered at the sight of my precious Cameron. So beautiful, but so still. His chest wasn't rising and falling like I wanted it to. Nothing was how it was supposed to be.

And still, nothing is.

Life's not the same, I'm not the same, my heart is definitely not the same. I'm broken down, and I have absolutely no idea where to go with all of this. 3 months is coming up quick, and I don't feel as if I'm any "better" than the moment I found out Cameron was gone. Does it get better? Will I heal? Will I ever be able to go a full week without crying, ever again?

My heart aches everytime I see Aiden making loving gestures for Cameron or everytime he asks about his little brother. I love that he talks about him, but I hate that he doesn't get to meet his brother, that he was so excited about, in a couple of months. I try to include Cameron in everything we do around here! Why shouldn't I? He is still very much a part of this family, and I'm going to make sure no one forgets that. So what if he's not here. He's still my son and I love him more than life itself.

I sometimes feel like people think I'm silly for doing the things I do. Sometimes, I even feel as if Chev thinks it too. I'm probably wrong, but he just doesn't do the things I do. I don't fault him for that, and I know he loves Cameron, but I feel like he would rather just move on from what happened. Not that he wants to forget Cameron, but that maybe he doesn't want to relive what happened. Like he knows it happened, but sort of wants to "brush it under the rug."

And It's not that I want to relive what happened. I just want to keep Cameron's memory alive - it's all I have left of him. Of course people are going to ask: What memory? How could you have a memory of someone you never met?

I didn't have to officially meet my son to know him. He grew inside me for 5 months! I knew his schedule, I felt his tiny kicks, I saw his heart beating, I watched on many ultrasound screens as he played around inside my belly. I saw his face. I know he looked just like his daddy and big brother! I studied his every feature so that I will never forget it. And I haven't. Everytime I close my eyes, I can see him as clear as day, and I'm so grateful for that.
Those are the memories I have! That's my Cameron! He was a person, no matter how small!

I just hate that I feel more comfortable talking about OUR son with my friends, than I do with Chev. Well mainly just Heather I suppose. She says it's kind of the same way with her husband, so I've sort of settled on the fact that it's just a "guy thing". I don't get it, and I hate it, but I suppose that's how it is. I just feel like Chev doesn't talk about him...EVER. Not even to his friends or family. I swear sometimes his family has just let it go. They don't ask or talk about him or anything.

My mom has let me know many times that she still thinks about Cameron. Everyday as a matter of fact. I love knowing that, I really do. I know I've said it before, but it makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one with him constantly on my mind.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A night of remembrance

We lit our candle tonight. Just Aiden and I here at home.

I ran to the store to pick up some stuff super quick to make Cameron is own special candle. I had about 10-15 minutes to make it, but it turned out cute! I got it made just in time to light it.

We went over and put it in the window. As soon as it hit 7:00, I lit the wick. The moment I lit it, both Aiden and I said, "Cameron, I love you." My eyes started tearing up just hearing him say that. I looked at him and he was just staring at the candle like he was expecting Cameron to come out of it or something. At that point, I started bawling. He just looked at me and said, "You're crying mommy." I told him it was because I missed Cameron. He didn't say anything, but just leaned over and gave me a hug. I squeezed him so tight and told him how glad I was to have him and how much I loved him. He pulled back and took his hand and brushed it across my cheek, wiping my tears off. All he said was, "It's OK."

He's such a sweetheart! He can be a huge stinker at times, but he's very sensitive to others feelings. He loves his little brother and he senses how much I love him too. I just wish he could be meeting Cameron come December...

I'm thinking about each and every one of our babies tonight! I can only imagine how many candles are lit around the world for them tonight...

It's hurts enough! Why add to it!?

Today I was feeling a bit better. I was getting that happy feeling back inside of me. The real happy feeling - the one that let's me know that things are going to be OK.

Then, I get home from work at check the mail. Fabulous! There's a thing from Pampers, and on the front, it asks, "Ready for the big day?". I wanted to yell at that piece of paper in my hand, but realized I would look like a nut job had I done so. So, I rolled my eyes and I opened the the envelope. As soon as I tore away the stub, and peered inside, my heart sank. There, right inside, was a tiny, newborn sized diaper. I pulled it out and just stared at it. My stomach turned, and I just breathed a heavy sigh. What am I supposed to do with this little thing? This cute little diaper that would have been for Cameron.

I decided I was going to dub it "Camerons' first diaper" and I put it in his box with all of his other things.

Have I said yet how much I hate this? Yeah? Well, I'm going to say it again, and probably a thousands times more after today.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I'm hurting...

I've just been having a rough week. I was doing OK, but then had a Dr. appointment yesterday. Just to go over some things I didn't understand at my 6wk PP checkup.
I found some peace in finally knowing what happend, and what cause Cameron's heart to stop, but at the same time, being in that office, and talking about it, brought me right back to the beginning.

I feel like I'm not myself. Like I haven't been for a very long time. I think I've been tricking myself into believing that I'm OK, and that my smiles are genuine. Deep down, I know better. When I'm with a group of people, I still feel like I'm the odd one out. No one says anything to me about it, and no one makes me feel that way necessarily, but I just do.

When I'm having fun for instance - I feel like it's forced. Because the second I stop smiling, my mind goes straight to Cameron and how I would be going on 8months pregnant. How I should be having my baby shower in a month, and how big my belly would be right now.

I'm getting nervous about December being here and seeing the snow on the ground. It's just going to remind me so much that I should be welcoming my baby boy soon. Then there's Christmas - Cameron's due date. God help me, what am I going to do when that day comes?!

I feel like I haven't been taking time out for ME this entire time. I've been so concerned with what everyone else thought, that I never took the time to be selfish for once in my life. I need to do that. It's time.

I think a lot of it also has to do with me not getting pregnant this month. I know it was our first month trying, but I'm so nervous that I'm not going to get pregnant before Christmas. I think that's the only thing that will make that day a little bit easier on me.

I think I might call my doctor and talk about getting back on Wellbutrin. I hate pills. I am a firm believer that our bodies are much stronger and more resilient that Dr's give us credit for. But, there comes a time, when you really have to make a decision based on what's best for you. This is just one of those time that I may need a little help.

I'm going to give it some more time. With this new found self-awareness, and the choice to be more selfish from now on, we'll see what happens.

Somedays I just want to start driving and never stop. The only thing that keeps me from doing so is Aiden and Chev. I could never just up and leave them.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Finally some answers...

I went to the Dr. today to get a more in depth explanation of what really happened.

I walked in there, and the anxiety started right up. I wanted to cry my eyes out. It seemed that everytime I looked up from my chair, there was a pregnant belly right in front of me. Oh how I wanted my belly to be out and about - showing off my baby boy to the world...but it will never be.

I was called back, weigh, had my BP taken...all of that good stuff. Then my Dr. came in. He's such a gently, caring man! I had see him while pregnant with Aiden, but decided to switch to a midwife when I was pregnant with Cameron. Not that I regret that decision because she was an amazing person! I really really like her! I just think next time around, I'm going to feel more comfortable being with the man that has pretty much been there for both of my pregnancies. He took care of me in the last couple of weeks I had with Cameron.

Anyway, we went over some things, and come to find out, I DID acquire a uterine infection at some point after my water broke. That infection is what stopped Cameron's heart. Deep down I knew that's what happened. When I went in on July 30th and saw him on that u/s, I just knew something was wrong with him. He was always wriggling around in there - even with the limited space he had. That time was different though. He was just lying there, not moving. His heart was beating away, but he seemed to weak to put any effort into movement.

I believe that's why I said the prayer I did that night. Even though I was not ready to let him go, I knew something was wrong. I didn't want my baby boy to suffer or to be weak anymore. Then, 12hrs. later he was gone.

It still hurts so much to know that he was perfect and healthy, but that his little world inside me wasn't right. It failed him.

I felt a little drained after that appointment, I won't lie. I couldn't stop thinking of him. I couldn't stop thinking of what I could have or should have done. I went into work and asked for the day off. They completely understood and told me to go home. I'm so thankful to have such wonderful bosses.

I called my mom on the way home and broke down. I told her that I'm so afraid that people are going to forget about Cameron. I don't want people to forget about him!! I want people to talk about him, and not be afraid to mention his name around me. She told me that she thinks about him every single day, but doesn't bring it up to me because she doesn't want to make a good day bad. I explained to her that I love talking about him. Talking about my little man could never make my day bad! If anything, it will make it that much better!

When I got home, I went out to his memorial spot. I walked out there and just closed my eyes and told him I loved him. At that moment, the strongest breeze came though, and I just smiled. I said, "I know you're here sweet pea. I love you and miss you so much...". I picked up a fluffy dandelion and blew it's little seedlings into the air and walked away.

It's so beautiful out there. It was actually the first time I've been back since his memorial. I think I'm going to visit more often.

Sunday, October 12, 2008


So, I woke up this morning, rolled over and looked at the time.


After last evening and this morning...God, I don't know. Part of me just smiled, but that smile was suddenly overran with intense sadness. It's a sadness that hits you so deep down in your soul, you can't really explain it. It's a sadness that you feel over your entire body. It doesn't necessarily show to the outside world, but you can feel it in the pit of your stomach.

Sometimes it makes me half sick. Other times it makes me completely shut myself down. Once in a while, the tears will fall, and other times, I push through it. I don't know what's going to happen this time. I always get through these moments, but it's the uncertainty that scares me. Am I going to break down out of nowhere? Am I going to be a raging bitch to Chev or have a short temper with Aiden? I just don't know.

I think I can also blame a lot of how I'm feeling right now on my monthy visitor. It's not because I'm not pregnant, but more so because I'm just an emotional person...even more so around this time. Part of me is a little happy I'm not pregnant. It just gives my body one more month to get back on track, and to be that much more healthy to carry our 3rd child.

As December gets closer, I feel a nervousness coming through me. I thought for sure I'd be OK, and that we'd find something special to do for Cameron. I know I still will, but I think I'm going to be alone while doing it. Honestly, I've felt very alone this entire time. Yes, Chev has been there FOR me, but not with me. I feel like I'm the only one going through this.

I was alone at the hospital when I found out Cameron's heart was no longer beating. Chev left because he had a concrete job. Why couldn't he have stayed just 5 more minutes?! He was walking out the door as they were setting up the u/s machine!!! I also felt very alone after I delivered Cameron. Yes, Chev was right there, but I felt as if it were just Cameron and I in that bed as I held him. Chev never held him...never kissed him...nothing. Didn't even touch him.

Chev never cried once at the Walk to Remember. I looked around and saw all of these other grown men crying. Holding tissues to their face. Then I looked at my own husband and he was just standing there, once in awhile looking around. How the fuck does this not effect him!?

He never talks about Cameron - doesn't even mention his name. EVER. I do, but it turns into a 3 second conversation, and then it's just over. I am just SO over with feeling alone. Feeling like I'm the only one who lost Cameron, when he was Chev's son too!!!

I'm so thankful I have Heather and all of the other mommies on here. I truly don't know what I would do without those women. I honestly don't think I would have been able to get through this. At all.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Just a little something...

We were on our way to dinner tonight and had stopped to get gas. While Chev was out pumping gas, I, for whatever reason, turned to look out the window towards the back of the jeep.

I looked out the window and right there - the first thing to hit my eyes - was a huge sign. It was a digital sign.
It read, "6:55 pm", with fireworks shooting around it.

Cameron was born at 6:55 pm.


10 weeks

It was 10 weeks two days ago that we lost Cameron. 10 weeks that I've been without my baby boy.

I can't believe that he's been gone that long. Time seems to have just flown by these past couple of months, and when I really stop and think....I still can't believe it.

We went to the local football game lastnight, and my God there were pregnant women everywhere!! At first it didn't bother me, but after awhile, I just couldn't look at them anymore. Or, I'd look, and catch myself staring at their bellies like some weirdo. It hurt because I should be 7 months pregnant right now! I should have that big belly too, and I should be able to feel my son inside me, kicking around as he grows bigger everyday.

As I was walking back to my car, holding Aiden's hand, I almost lost it. I should have both of my boys with me! I looked at Aiden and thought to myself how lucky I was to have him, but how unlucky I was to not have his little brother here. It just hurts.

We've been trying to get the word out about P.A.I.L. this October. We've been handing out fliers at every chance we get and I'm contacted the radio station about it. It's just amazing to me that hardly anyone knows about it! I don't see ribbons, I don't hear people talk about it. I see all of this stuff for breast cancer awareness, which is absolutely fantastic, but our babies deserve to be recognized too!!

My friend and I have been doing this, and we really hope that it sheds some light on it. We're not going to stop until it becomes recognized in this community.

I'm doing it for Cameron, for my friend's son Wyatt, and for all of the other babies out there. I'm just the type of person to TRY my hardest to turn a bad situation good. Not that I could ever turn what happened into complete goodness, but if I can bring out just the tiniest about of sometihng positive, I'm going to.

Oh, and I'm not pregnant.

Monday, October 6, 2008

What a wonderful week!

My little Cameron has been around me so much in the past week! It's absolutely wonderful!

It started when I REALLY started missing him. I always miss him, but it got really hard there last week. We went to an ice cream social at Aiden's school and I was just sitting there, thinking about Cameron. My mind started wandering, and then something told me to look up. I did, and on the sleeve of someone's hoodie, the name "Cameron" was writting down the arm. I just smiled.

Then, while I was at the store looking at scrapbooks, one caught my eye. I went over to it and pulled it out and right there on the front was "Cameron". This time it actually caught my breath because I had never seen that before - ever!

Yesterday at the park, Aiden climbed the ladder all the way to the top of the big slide. He stood up and I heard him yell, "Hi brother!". I turned around and said, "What Aiden?", and he goes, "I was saying hi to brother". I couldn't help but smile.

Not even two second later, a kid the boys had made friends with was sitting on the merry-go-round and all of a sudden he goes, "Where's Cameron?!" - that was the last straw, lol. I turned to my gf and said, "This is making me a good way of course, but my goodness!!"

So, of course, this past week has been absolutely amazing to me. I love my little man!

As for the walk - it was absolutely beautiful!! Very emotional, but just amazing! We got there right at the beginning and there were only about 60 people there. By time everything started, there were hundreds! They started with the speakers, and then went on to have one person from each family come up to get a white rose for their baby(ies) as a guest sang a beautiful song. That was very had for me to walk up there and tell her, "One please." I walked back to Chev and, for a breif moment, felt as if I might collapse. I made it into his arms though.

After that we all got balloons and then got to write a message to our little ones. Chev and I both took one. We then walked down to a very beautiful, peaceful section of the park to release the balloons. One by one, babies names were called. The sight of those balloons slowly filling the sky took my breath away. Then they called Cameron's name. It took me a second to release his ballon, because the sound of his name coming from a loud speaker, took me by surprise. There were tears - oh God were there tears! The tears were obviously out of sadness, but also because of the beauty of everything. The whole event was just wonderful!


Friday, October 3, 2008

Anxiously awaiting tomorrow

Tomorrow we will be attending the Annual Walk to Remember. I'm anxious, excited, and nervous. Anxious because I don't know what to expect, excited because all of this is for Cameron and the other babies, and nervous because I want to be OK. I don't want to go and be a mess...I want it to be a beautiful day for everyone there.

I'll admit, it's going to be somewhat weird being there with so many others who have lost babies. You know it happens, but I'm afraid to see how often it does. Not that I'm naive - how could I be after what happened? It's just going to be so heart-wrenching to know that ALL of those people have felt the pain I've felt and am still feeling. It's a pain I wouldn't wish I my worst enemy.

I will be testing next week to see if I'm pregnant this month. I'm excited, but incredibly scared at the same time. I still have mild anxiety attacks, and I'm afraid of getting pregnant and having them more often. Maybe we should have waited until I could completely get over the anxiety - then again, I know it's what I want.
There's a part of me that is telling me I'm pregnant, but I don't look into that too much. I think a lot of it comes from me wanting it so badly.