Friday, November 28, 2008


Well, apparently I am one fertile girl!

Yep, you guessed it! I got another BFP today! I was kind of expecting it because we timed everything PERFECTLY, and my temps were looking awesome. BUT, I wasn't expecting to get one this soon! I'm 8dpo! The earliest was 9dpo with Cameron, so I guess I'm no that far off!

I've taken two tests today and both were positive :). I'm going to take another on Sunday, just to see that line get darker, and then make an appointment for bloodwork on Monday.

I just hope that since I got it so early, it means that everything is going great and working just how it should!!

I hope this little one sticks, and sticks good this time!!! Oh and I will be due Aug. 12, but we'll know for sure with our first u/s :)

...not to mention it's my mom's birthday today! I sent her a text with a pic of the positive and said, "Surprise! Happy Birthday!" - she's ecstatic!! She said she almost started crying when she saw it!

Monday, November 24, 2008

A little gift

My mom had gotten me these two gifts last week, and I couldn't be happier with them!!

The bulb will go on the tree, and while the "crystal" is also meant to go on the tree, I hang it on my rearview mirror in the car!

Honestly, getting these gifts made the holidays seem a LITTLE easier. It made me happy that we definitely have something to put on the tree, and that we're making sure Cameron is a part of all we do!

I couldn't believe she got his footprints on there too!! For an ornament, I was thinking a little blue baby booty, with his name on it, so you can imagine my surprise when she showed these to me, and I saw his little footprints on there!

They both read, "Cameron David - Forever Our Angel - July 31,2008

I'm not sure exactly where she got the bulb, but the crystal thing came from

They can even put your childs face on there!

Here's the part of the page where those exact ones are!

Monday, November 10, 2008

First Snow...

We had our first snow here today. I was fine this morning when I woke up, but the minute I saw that snow, something inside me just shut off. I haven't been back to my "normal" self since then.

I don't want it to snow, I don't want winter to be here, and I'm so not looking forward to the upcoming holidays. The snowfall today was like a punch in the stomach. Nothing is going to stop just because I want it to. The holidays are still going to come, and people are still going to celebrate, even though I'm hurting.

I don't even want to think about Christmas. The snow made me realize that it's coming fast. If it weren't for Aiden, I doubt we'd even put up a tree this year. At the same time, I hate saying that, because I don't want to not do something because Cameron's not here. I want it to be special, but how do you do that when you're missing the one and only thing you want that day.

Cameron would have been the best Christmas present ever, and now he won't be here. All I'll have is a tiny santa hat for his urn, and special ornament for the tree. That does NOT make up for my baby not being here.

We pulled up into the driveway tonight, after being at Chev's parent's house, and I noticed the snow build up on my car. It was covering Cameron's decal on my back window. I feeling of anger went through me. I wanted to jump out of the jeep, and just frantically start pushing that snow away. Instead, I collected myself, walked up to the car and brushed it away. There was ice underneath, so it was still covered.

I hated that snow more than ever right then.'s hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Trying to figure things out...

My family Dr. called back with my number. My levels were a 6

Yes, this is considered pregnant, but not very. My levels should have been much higher.

It confuses me because I got a + on the day before, the day of, and the day after my blood draw. How in God's name did an HPT pick up so little?

I've been bleeding and cramping all day. TMI, but basically soaking a pad every 2hrs.

Basically, there's no hope in my mind at this second, and I've accepted what's happening.

I've been very down today for multiple reasons. I shouldn't have to be going through this. I should be 8 months pregnant with my little Cameron. But I'm not. Even so, I shouldn't be having these problems. I'm young, I'm healthy, and I had NO problems with Aiden what so ever. Now, here I am, once again starting from scratch.

It's very frustrating for me. And now here I am, again, scared to death I won't be pregnant before Cam's due date.

I called the nurse at my OB's office and talked to her. I told her what happened last month, and now this month, and she wants to get me in to see my OB. That scared me.
I thought this was something normal that can happen after losing a baby so late. She said it's just to make sure there's nothing else going on. I'm just not sure what's happening. I'm getting pregnant, but not staying pregnant.

I just don't get why this is happening to me. I don't want it to happen to anyone, but why me?! Why not the crackhead down the street who neglects and abuses her children.

What have I done, that is so wrong, that I don't deserve to give Aiden a little brother or sister here on Earth!? He's being affected by this too! He so wants someone to play with. He's got all of his friends, yes, but they all have brothers and/or sisters. It makes me so angry!

It's Over...

Well, I hate to say this, and ruin the excitement around here, but this pregnancy was short-lived.

I started bleeding pretty heavily this morning, and passed 2 big clumps of something, I'm cramping...all of that awful stuff that happens I suppose.

I don't understand this. Haven't I been through enough this year? Honest to God!? It's just frustrating because 4yrs ago I was able to get pregnant, have a flawless pregnancy, and deliver a healthy baby!

I obviously don't have a problem getting pregnant, it's the last 2 that my stupid body is having issues with.

I can't dwell on this though. All I can do is move forward and know that it will happen when the time is right.

...I guess.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

A bittersweet time...

Ok, so I know this is probably completely normal, but it's frustrating to me at the same time.

Of course I'm absolutely thrilled at the thought of being pregnant again. At the same time though, there's a great sense of sadness within me. I think it all comes down to the simple fact that I want Cameron, and I know this baby isn't him.

It's going to be so hard to get used to the idea of a different baby. Cameron was the last thing I knew about being pregnant, and I can't just forget that. In my mind, I'm having my 3rd child, but my second is missing. I've been pregnant two times in 8 months. Nothing about those two statements is normal.

I'm also very afraid of getting so wrapped up in this pregnancy that I stop thinking of Cameron. I know in my heart that's not possible, but the thought does go through my head. I just want him to know that I love him no matter how many other children we have. He's still our son. He's our little baby boy and he always will be.

I don't want to resent this baby for not being Cameron. I don't want to ever look at him/her and think, "Why are you here and Cameron's not?!". I don't think that will happen, but it still scares me.

I'm sure these are all perfectly normal feelings to have while being pregnant after a loss. I'm thinking about maybe going to talk to someone though. Just to get these things out - not just on here, but to an actual person. Maybe that person can help me get through these fears and these feelings.

I don't know anyone in real life that has gotten pregnant after a stillborn. My friend Heather, of course, but she's still not pregnant. She's hoping this month though!

It's still very early, and things are still very new to me. We'll give this some time and see what happens.

Early scare

I had a bit of a scare today. But apparently it's normal, and I need to chill out.


I was at work and went to the bathroom. I looked down and saw brown in my underwear. I wasn't too worried because it was brown, but when I wiped there was bright red on the toilet paper.

My hear immediately sank! I sat there for a minute and wiped again...this time, just a pink color.

I got up and went back about my business and came back about 15min later just to double check. This time there was barely anything there. Just some more brown stuff. I felt a bit better

I came home and quickly took a cheap dollar tree HPT. It came out positive, which also made me feel better, because up until today, I was not able to get a + on any other test than the blue dye test! Apparently those are super sensitive(?)!!

I did call the Dr. while at work and the lady told me that the results wouldn't be in for 2-3 days! Are you friggin kidding me?! I despise our family Dr. office! Don't get me wrong, they're great there, but they take FOREVER to get anything done! And, if I don't call to get the numbers, I doubt I would ever know because they never call anyone back! Grrr!!

So, I'm just trying to take it easy and not worry too much. That was my biggest fear. That because of what happened with Cameron, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the next pregnancy. Yes, I'm scared, but I really am trying not to be negative. It won't get me anywhere, and won't help this next baby any.

Looking at this baby as a precious gift from Cameron makes me feel better too. I know he's watching over all of us, and he's going to try his hardest to make sure his little brother or sister is healthy!

I'm nervous about my first ultrasounds and what not. It's going to be very hard. The last heartbeat I heard was Cameron's, and he was the last baby I saw. It's going to be strange looking at this new little life and knowing that it's not Cameron.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Well wouldn't you know!!!!

The minute I think that we're going to stop, guess what....

I was honestly very surprised, I won't lie. I'm happy and very excited, but insanely scared and nervous at the same time. I'll test again in a couple of days to see that line hopefully get darker. I don't really even know when I Ovulated. All I know is that fertility friend had af starting yesterday, and it didn't show. I was thinking I wasn't due until the 8th or 9th....

I just got off the phone with the Dr. and they're having me come in for bloodwork this afternoon.

If all goes well, I'll be due in July.

I suppose I just have to look at it as Cameron's gift to us. I wasn't too keane on the idea of July because that is Cameron's month. But I suppose I can look at last months failure as a sign that this is going to be a gift for us in July - from our little man.