Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Is this instinct?

Something so primal goes through me when I look at Cameron's picture. I can't explain it! I just stare, and it feels as if my heart wants to leap right out of my chest. I fight the urge of my arms wanting to reach out for a baby who's no longer there. This confuses me...it confuses my mind, and more than anything, confuses my heart. I know I'm a mother damn it...so why isn't my baby here with me?!

It's like those stories you hear of animals in the wild. Where the baby passes and the mother can't quite grasp it. She knows the baby is gone, but still insists on holding onto him. We, of course are not able to do that. I wouldn't "want" to, and heaven knows I would be labeled mentally insane. But, even though I don't want to, there's that urge. That strange urge inside me to just hold onto him for a little while longer. To have him here, wrapped in his blanket, in my arms.

Sure, the optimal thing would be for him to be here - a healthy newborn, heavy in my arms. But honestly, even if he was the way he was on July 31 - still as can be - I would still want him in my arms. Just to have a little more time. But, it's time I know I'll never get back, and that's what kills me inside.

I was so hoping this week would be a great one! I want to go to this walk with "happy" thoughts in knowing that all of what is going on that day, is for Cameron and the others. If I'm a mess, so be it. Atleast this time, I'll have hundreds of other around me who know EXACTLY what I'm crying for. I won't have people looking at me like something is wrong with me, or thinking that I need counseling because, *GASP*, it's been 2 months and I "shouldn't still be crying".

Our shirts are done!!!

So we got our shirts back that we had made for the Walk To Remember this weekend! I'm very happy with them! I wanted something simple and cute and that's what we got!

The front has the logo on it and reads "We walk for the steps they'll never take - October 4, 2008"

You can obviously read the back - and yes, those are Cameron's footprints we had put on there. The shirts a little wrinkly, so it's a little hard to see them, but that's them!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Please "meet" Cameron...

I've been wanting to share our sweet Cameron with those of you who have followed us this whole time. I would have done it sooner, but it's just one of those things you really need to be ready for! I'm completely ready!

Today was the first day I've looked at his beautiful picture in a couple of weeks. Like I said before, I can always picture his little face in my head, but to have that picture there is different. With the picture right in front of me, I can see every little detail of his beautiful face. His chubby cheeks, his little chin, his button nose and his adorable pouty lips. It just makes me miss him that much more...

I can't help but run my fingers along his picture everytime I pull it out. I can't hold back the kisses or the need to hold the picture as close to me as possible. It makes me feel like he's right there, in my arms :)

So without further adieu, I present to you, our precious Cameron David (it's a picture of his picture, so it's a little fuzzy and what not, but I couldn't get my scanner to work)

Here's his big brother Aiden at about 2wks old. Even at 19wks, I could tell he was going to look just like him!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A Walk to Remember

I just found out about this walk tonight and that it is being held here in Michigan on October 4th! It will be in Lowell, which is a little over 2hrs. away from us, but I don't care!!

It will be another day to celebrate Cameron and all of the other little babies who's lives were lost! I didn't make the deadline to get his name on the official t-shirt, but his name and a short message I wrote, will still be able to be read during the memorial!
We will be getting balloons at the beginning of the memorial and will release them when they read Cameron's name!

As far as the t-shirt goes, I will be making our own! I'm so excited about this! I wish I weren't having to do it, but it's such a great thing! It's very bittersweet to be a part of it!

Here's the actual site:

I was able to find Michigan's by googling it! So, if you don't see your state or a city near you on there, try looking it up elsewhere!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The dark cloud is moving on...for now!

My bad moments are passing, thank God, but I know they're not gone forever! I don't have that heavy feeling in my chest today! That's how I can tell when things are going to be bad - I'll think of Cameron, and for a split second, it feels like someone is sitting on my chest.

Today I thought of him and smiled...nothing else :)

I also held my 3rd newborn today. It was a girl and my goodness was she beautiful! She looked like a little doll! She was born yesterday to a friend of mine and I couldn't be happier for them! What tickles me so much inside is that everytime I've held a newborn since Cameron passed, I get a smile out of them. Everytime.
Little Ellie was just born and, when I held her, she woke up. You could tell she couldn't focus on much, but she was staring at my face and just got the biggest, cutest little smile on her face! The same thing happened with the two newborn baby boys I held!

I know it's Cameron's way of helping me with it. It's hard to hold those babies, but when they smile... my God my heart just melts, and I can't help put feel intense happiness!

I so want to be pregnant again. Holding those babies only confirms my feelings and makes any doubt I have go away! When I'm having a down moment, the only thing that I think of that would make me happy (besides having Cameron back) is the thought of being pregnant. I know I need to be patient, but it's so hard to wait!

I'm also thinking about posting Cameron's picture here to share with everyone. I know some of you have seen him already (through babycenter and such), but I know there are others that haven't, and I think I'm ready. I've been inspired by other mommies who have been able to posts their angels picture on the blogs! I haven't looked at his picture in a while, so I'm a little nervous of how I'm going to feel.
I can picture his little face as clear as day, but seeing the actual picture might be a little harder...we'll see!

Monday, September 22, 2008


Oh wow...so today has been very on and off for me.

For one, Aiden started preschool today! The preschool is at the elementary and is in an actual classroom. It reminds me more of pre-K than anything. I just can't believe how big he's getting! Of course I was happy - he looked like such a big boy!
But in the back of my mind, it hit me - I will never get to see Cameron on his first day of preschool. That thought stayed with me almost the entire day.

After we got home, I went outside to sit on the deck and I could feel the tears coming. I closed my eyes, thinking that would stop them. I opened them only to have buckets of tears run down my face. Seriously, I've never had tears that heavy before. That'll teach me to never do that again.
I just sometimes feel that if I close my eyes, I can make this all go away. But, as it was shown today, closing your eyes doesn't make a single thing go away, it just makes it invisible for that moment.

The minute I opened my eyes, and those tears fell, I knew nothing was ever going to be the same for me again. I've known this since the second I found out Cameron's heart stopped beating, but it REALLY hit me today.
I realized that every milestone in life that Aiden hits is only going to remind me of the one's Cameron will never get to experience.
I will never let that overshadow my happiness for Aiden, but it's always going to be there.

It's such a gut-wrenching feeling to know that my son will never run around our yard with his big brother or that he'll never get to experience the taste of ice cream on a hot summer's day. While these things don't define life, they do make it worth living - these tiny experiences make it more fulfilling.
I know Cameron is somewhere where none of that matters. Somewhere where things are beautiful all of the time. I know he's happy and that makes me happy. I'm happy for him, but not for myself.

I just hate knowing that MY son will never be here with me. What sense does that make?! How can that be possible? It's just not right...

Missin' my little man...

I've been thinking a lot about Cameron in the past couple of days. I mean, he's always in my heart and my thoughts go to him constantly throughout the day, but just more so lately.

I cried while driving to work yesterday. Nothing too bad, but definitely some tears. I don't know if it was from seeing all of the pregnant women coming in or if it was from folding the baby boy clothes in the baby section the day before, but something was definitely getting to me. I tried smiling through the tears and telling Cameron I loved him, but it didn't take the sadness away this time.
I was OK by time I actually got to work, but would still stop throughout the day and fall into a semi-daydreaming state. At one point, I walked over to the baby section and grabbed onto a baby blue onesie - newborn size. I grabbed onto it and squeezed it, then ran my fingers down it. All I could think about was how I should be buying those cute little outfits for Cameron to wear in 3 months. I sighed, let out a half smile and went about my business.

Lastnight I was lying on the couch and just started singing. I don't know what brought on the urge, but I did it. I love singing, and it was one of my favorite things to do when I was pregnant with Cameron! Especially during those 3wks of bedrest! I would just lie there and sing to him for hours on end. I miss doing that, and I'm sad I can't really do it anymore. I still sing to him, but he's not where he should be and that's what makes it hard.
I love that I got that special time with him when I did though, and It's something I'll never forget as long as I live.

I then started thinking of his sweet face! God, those chubby little cheeks were just the most precious thing in the entire world! I'm just so incredibly sad that I don't get to see them come Christmas. It's so hard to think about that, but I know we'll do our own special thing for him come Christmas time!

...I just miss him. I have since July 31, and I will for the rest of my life.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Where am I with all of this?

I just realized today that I haven't written in Cameron's journal in a long time. Also, I haven't pulled his things out of his box to look at them, to touch them, to hold them close to me, like I did so often in the first month.

What does this mean?

Well, I haven't quite figured that out yet, but I'm assuming it's a step forward in this horrible process? I still plan on writing in his journal from time to time, and I will still pull his things out of his box to stare at, to touch, and probably shed a tear or two over. But, I don't need those things as my crutch anymore. I used to pull them out when I was having a bad moment, but I've learned to just think about Cameron and think about the love I have for him in my heart. That, in itself, brings peace to me nowadays. Do I still miss him? More than words could ever possibly say! I always will.

It's a confusing feeling - to be stricken with something so horrible and to hurt so bad, and yet start finding peace with it. I don't really know how I'm doing it - it just sort of comes over you.

I also know that in an instant, that peaceful feeling can be torn from you. You feel like you're pushed back to square one. That part of it scares me. I hate feeling like I did in the first days/weeks of losing Cameron, and I don't ever want to go back to those days. It's happened before and I know it can happen again, but I try not to let it. I know deep down that you can't stop it entirely from coming. You can push it back, but it'll only hit you even harder a few days later. I've learned to just let it come because, even though it hurts, I know it'll pass. It sucks to know that I've got to build that part of me up again, but I believe it makes me stronger every time I do it.

I think I'll go write to Cameron right now. I don't know if it will make my night harder or not, but it's something I really want to do right now.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Minor (but annoying) setback!

I'm a little disappointed and a little confused right now.

Ok, well first things first: I did talk with dh and he's on board with trying to conceive again right now. He explained that his only reason for wanting to wait until November was out of concern for me. He didn't want me to be wanting this only because I had just seen his best friend's newborn son. He was afraid me of getting pregnant too soon and becoming depressed or something happening to the baby.
I explained to him that I have been ready for a couple of weeks now. I'm 99.9% ready. That 1% of doubt will ALWAYS be there - out of fear and out of heartache from missing Cameron.
I told him that if I were to get pregnant and we lost the baby early on, then we do and we know it was too soon. As sad as I would be, and as harsh as this may sound, nothing will ever compare to a stillbirth. And if I can get through that, I can get through anything.

I do have to mention something though! As we were lying in bed talking about it, all of a sudden a green light was cast on the ceiling. I looked around because I had no idea what would be causing it! Well I looked down and, on a pillow, on the floor was Cameron's blanket - with my phone lying on top of it. It's the blanket he had with him in the hospital and the one I sleep with everynight. So my phone is lying on his blanket and it turned on out of nowhere! It was putting that green light on the ceiling. So I jokingly turned to Chev and said, "See honey, Cameron's giving us the green light too!" :)

Ok, back to my story. So the TTC talk is out of the way and we're good to go. Problem is, now all of a sudden my body is deciding to be funky. I had the typical post-partum bleeding after delivery for 2wks. Had nothing for 3wks after that and then got my first period. That lasted 5-6 days. Like any regular cycle right? Well that's what I thought!
I had been tempin and charting and all of that fun stuff, and everything pointed to be getting ready to ovulate by the end of this week! But, out of nowhere, the minute Chev and I talk and agree on ttc, I start, what I think is my 2nd period in 2 weeks!!

I'm bummed because...well, 1.) I don't know what's going on with my body now. and 2.) This means we will be put back on ttc.

Maybe it's a sign that we shouldn't be starting so soon, but idk!!!! I am soooo ready, and now this gets thrown in my way and it's just frustrating! My body was doing everything it was supposed to do in order to get back to normal, and now this.

Monday, September 15, 2008

The tears will come

The tightness in my chest is still there, and I know everything is going to come out full force at some point soon. I'm just sitting here, waiting for the inevitable. Just waiting for something to set it off. Although, now that I think about it, nothing ever really "sets it off". I just get an enormous amount of grief that falls over me and then the tears come.

It could also be because Chev's bestfriend and his fiance just had their baby boy yesterday. When they called, I was so happy and excited, but within minutes, my heart began to ache.
I want that, damn it!! I wanted to be able to call everyone on Christmas day and tell them our baby boy was here!! But, I'll never be able to do that now.
I'm excited to see them, but there's a knot in my stomach just thinking about it. I don't want to go in there being a blubbering mess, as I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't think it will be THAT bad, but I can assure you there will be tears.

I just want to get it "done and over with", so to speak. I don't mean that in a way that I'm not looking forward to seeing them, but it's definitely another hurdle I can't wait to get over. I'm very much the type of person to "get right back on that horse", or to "bite the bullet" when it comes to these challenges. In a way, it's made me a stronger person throughout my life, but in this situation, I'm finding it harder than ever to push through these "milestones" of my grief.

Makes sense, as I've never been through the grieving process. I've never had to worry about holding a baby after a loss, being around pregnant women after a loss, thinking about ttc after a loss. I hate it.

Speaking of TTC, I'm not 100% sure I'm ready at this moment. I mean, for the most part I am, but every once in awhile, I get that feeling like maybe I'm just not. It could all be because I haven't actually sat down with Chev and talked about it yet. I just assumed that after my comments at the Dr's office last week that he would know that I wanted to. There should be no reason he wouldn't want to, unless HE'S not ready. We'll talk tonight, I promise! I need get on the ball if I really want to try this month because my window will be closed by this weekend!
Of course, it all depends on how I feel after we talk!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Just another bad day...

I'm having a bit of a down day. I don't really know where it came from, but I felt it creeping up on me last night around 3am. I was on my way home and an overwhelming sense of sadness came over me. I missed my little boy.

All I could think about is why this had to happen to us! I wanted to go back to a few months ago when I knew none of this - when I was still naive and didn't know something like this could happen to ME. We hear of these horrible things happening, but never do we think we'll fall into that small 1-2% of women it happens to. Then, when it does, we have no idea what the hell happened. How did our worlds get shattered in mere seconds? How are we supposed to make it, knowing we have lost our baby.

I don't know the answers to any of those questions, and I don't know that I ever will. I know I'll be OK. I reminded of this fact everytime I see a mother who has lost a child. I watch her still thrive, and I see she's not withering away like some of us thought we would at one point.

We were at the movies this morning. I had taken Aiden and we met up with my gf who had lost her son at 37wks. Just being around her makes me feel more "normal". Anyway, while we were there, I saw a girl. Someone we had gone to highschool with. She's maybe 2-3yrs older than us and has three little girls. Her first daughter was born a year before Aiden. Her second daughter...well, she's in Heaven. She had Trisomy 18 and lived for 45min after birth - 45min. and then they said goodbye. She went on to have another little girl, and as I watched her with her two daughters, It gave me hope.
She has no idea that we lost Cameron, but I looked at her and wanted to tell her "I know how you feel." Because I know that little angel is always in her heart and always in her thoughts, as Cameron is in mine.

To think that us 3 women were in the same theater. It makes you realize that it happens more often than you think. I didn't know anyone else in there, but who's to say there weren't more us of there. Ugh, "more of us" - it makes it sound like we're of some foreign race or something.

I know I'll get through this day, just as I have the many other days that have came upon me. I just hate them. I hate the feeling it brings inside me - it's just so unfair.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I Remember...

I always go back to so many important dates in the past 2 months. I replay the evening my water broke - the day our world turned upside down.

I remember the Dr. coming in and saying, "Well the baby looks great..." as if everything were OK. Then he says, "The problem is, your fluid is almost completely gone." He showed no emotion in his voice. He was so cold about it and I couldn't believe how he came in as if everything were fine, only to deliver that horrible news to me. I knew it had happened - I could see it on the ultrasound - But to hear it come from his mouth...that was hard. The OB Dr. then came in. He was much sweeter, much more soft-spoken.

Still, he gave us the choice that no mother should ever have to make. I remember him telling me they could induce labor.
I was fine, Cameron was fine, and yet he was asking ME to stop my babies heart. No way could I ever do such a thing. I remember the moment I made the decision to keep going. For Cameron...

I replay the evening we went to the hospital on July 30. I wasn't too worried, and assumed we would be back home again the next day, as it happened before. I remember lying there on the bed as the nurse brought in the u/s machine because she couldn't find Cam's heartbeat. The feeling I had running through me when I saw him there, his little heart fluttering away, is indescribable. I was so relieved and happy, but there was a sadness. I knew deep down something was wrong.

My instincts throughout the entire pregnancy had been amazingly strong. From the moment Cam was conceived, I had a feeling something wasn't right. I thought I was just being over paranoid, but I knew better than that...I just tried ignoring it.

Knowing that my instincts were strong scared me that night.

I remember being woke up at 2:30am to check his heart. It was a beautiful sound to remember before I fell asleep. I woke up at 6:30, knowing they would be in to check his heart again in 30 min. Chev got up and got ready to leave for work. He walked out the door, but I thought nothing of it.
Once again, she couldn't find his heartbeat. This time, my heart started racing a bit faster. She went and got the charge nurse and had her check - nothing. I knew something was wrong then. They got the u/s machine...

Myself, the OB, and my nurse sat there in silence. You could have heard a pin drop. I held my breath as she put the wand on my belly. I didn't look at the screen at first. I scanned the Dr's face and then quickly looked at the nurse to see her face. The Dr. adjusted her glasses and moved the wand a bit more. I looked at the nurse again....she raised her hand to her mouth. I knew. I finally looked at the screen. Everything was so still. Not the slightest of movement from my baby boy. I searched frantically for movement in his chest, but there was nothing.

I remember a feeling of immense grief come over me in that second. I almost forgot to take a breath. Then, when I finally did, I couldn't stop. I went into full panic mode and thought I would start hyperventilating. All I could say was, "Oh God!!!"
I don't remember much after that. I was in shock. I was making the call to Chev and to my mom. To tell them Cameron was gone. I held it together well over the phone and didn't cry much the rest of the afternoon.
I knew what was to happen.

I remember them coming in to give me the medicine to start labor. I didn't want it. I didn't want my body to let go of him. There was such sadness in me when they administered the medicine. I just felt numb...

I remember when it was time. I broke down then because I knew he was coming. I didn't have a choice at that point. It's like being on a roller coaster. You get up to the very top, just before you drop, and you want to get off but you know you can't. You can't go back. It's a scary, panic-stricken feeling.

I remember when he was born. My sweet angel. I held him and just stared at him. He was so little, but so perfect. I remember his little hand being under his cheek, with the other one resting on his heart. It was beautiful. I didn't cry. I felt a great sense of peace holding him in my arms. I have no doubt in my mind that that peace came from a holier being. It was like I had angels there with me, comforting me as I held my forever sleeping son.

I remember that first night. How awful that was. It was sinking in and I hated it. I felt so empty inside and so alone. I wanted Cameron with me! I knew he was just down the hall, in the nursery, but I wanted him back inside me and for him to be fine like he was just a month before! It's a feeling that no one could understand....unless they've lost a baby.

I don't remember much about the days after. I was in a fog. I remember taking a nap on the couch. I woke up, and I was holding my belly. I cracked my eyes and wondered if everything had been a dream. Then, I opened my eyes and looked over at the table and saw the bag that had all of Cameron's things in it. I closed my eyes again and just laid there.

I remember the bittersweet feeling I had when we picked up his tiny urn from the funeral home. I was so happy to have Cameron back, but was heartbroken that I was bringing him home that way.

And I remember each day that passes. I will remember yesterday as another day without my baby, and that's how it'll always be.

I'm glad I get to remember, because I never want to forget a single thing about him. It's just hard when the memories are so sad.

I so look forward to the day when we bring home Aiden and Cameron's little brother or sister. I will look at that baby as a gift from my sweet angel, and as a promise that life is still beautiful even when things have seemed to turn so ugly.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

A bottle of comfort

So I'm sitting here with a half bottle of wine at my side, and I don't even stop for a second to think that's an unusual thing. Not that I am taking up drinking to drown my sorrows, but the look of it is not odd to me.

It's like something out of a movie. A grieving mother, sitting there with her bottle of wine as she pours her thoughts out to God knows how many strangers online. I can see it now!

...no wait, I'm actually living it. Fantastic.

September 11th is almost over. It's been a horrible day as everyone in this nation can imagine! For me, it's double the pain, because today I would have been 25wks pregnant. Today is exactly 6wk since Cameron was born and left us to be with Jesus. Today is exactly 9wks since this entire nightmare began. Thursdays are just all kinds of bad for me!
And what do you know...my birthday is on a Thursday. Exactly 2 weeks from Christmas - the day our little boy was to be born. Our birthdays and his due date with always fall on the same day of the week.

I don't know how Christmas will be this year, but I am going to try my hardest to make it wonderful. To do our own special little thing for Cameron and for our family. I don't want this to be ruined...I want it to be a celebration! A celebration of the time I had with Cameron and how he touched so many people's lives and what an impact he had on mine!

Well these are my mini-thoughts as we pass another September 11 - 7yrs....wow.

Me and my bottle are going out on the couch...goodnight.

Just as I thought

The appointment went as good as it could have. I mean, I would have rather been going in for my regular checkup to hear Cameron's heartbeat and to have my belly measured, but under the circumstances it went well.

When I got there, I started with the anxiety crap again. They made me sit out in the room, (which was FULL by the way) for a good 20min before seeing me. The woman at the front desk came to the window and asked how I was doing. She remembered me from when I was in and out of there so much for ultrasounds. I told her I was OK, and after that I had to fight the tears a few times.
I got the anxiety under control by closing my eyes and just breathing...I held my necklace (the one with Cam's name on it) so tight in my hands I had nail marks on my palms.

Finally they called me back and I saw my midwife. We went over some things, and like I predicted, we'll never know what happened. I asked her about the placenta and she brought the report back.

The measurements were fine, the thickness was fine...everything was fine. It did say the fluid was a yellow/opaque color, but there was no infection found. She asked if Cameron had had a bowel movement while still inside me, and I told her not that I knew of. She said the color could have indicated he was in distress, but we don't know.

The Dr.'s diagnosis at the top of the paper was infection, but like my midwife said - there was never an infection found, so I was a little confused at that. I'm assuming he just had to put something there(?). I don't know why he couldn't have just put "unknown", but then again, I'm not a Doctor.

They did find that the umbilical cord did not attach all the way to the placenta. She said this is a normal abnormal and there is usually no cause for concern. The vessels that are inside the actual cord were attached, and that's really all that matters, but the stalk itself stopped just before the placenta.

So, as I predicted, we really don't know what caused his heart to just stop. Infection would make sense to me since the fluid's color was yellow. When my water first broke, it was clear. By time the 1st week had passed, I was having yellow discharge. But, since no infection was found...I really have no idea, and I need to accept that.

She told me that she usually recommends 2-3 months before TTC, but if we feel we're ready before then, then we have the green light. She said the waiting is usually just to make sure you're past the hardest grieving stage, and are emotionally ready to take on another pregnancy.

So, I'll bring it up to Chev tonight and see what he thinks, and if he's OK with it, we should be able to start trying next week ...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

First Dr. appointment...

My first Dr. appointment since Cameron left us is tomorrow...

I'm anxious to have my questioned answered, but there's a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can't explain it, but it makes me half sick.. I think just the thought of going in there is screwing with me.

Every other time I had been in there, I had a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby growing inside me.
Now I'm going in there with an empty belly and only memories of my baby boy. Heavy, aching arms and a broken heart. What woman should walk into a place like that feeling that way?

I scheduled my appointment early in the morning to avoid masses of pregnant women and newborns. They're usually not too busy in the morning, but you never know. Part of me wishes they could just zip me back into my room, but I don't want to feel like a total outcast.

Be back tomorrow afternoon with the update...

Monday, September 8, 2008

Nothing makes sense

You know what I hate most about all of this? Besides that fact that it even had to happen? The fact that I can't make a damn bit of sense out of any of it! That's the hardest part for me about this entire process! I think and think and only get more and more pissed off.

I was staring at Cameron's picture a few minutes ago. Running my fingers over it, analyzing his perfect little face. What the hell did he do to deserve this?! He was so innocent in all of this, and he had to die. I looked at his cute pouty lips and remembered the time at my 13wk u/s when we saw him in there smacking his lips together - almost like he was chewing on something. It was so cute!
Then I come back to the picture...his tiny mouth never opened...never drew in a single breath of air. He was so adorable and so perfect in every single way!

I miss him so much. I think about how big my belly would be right now and how much I would be feeling him move around inside me! It bothers me that Chev never got to feel him move. Cameron was always so active at night, when Chev was at work. I love that I got to have him with me long enough to feel him kicking though - I am grateful for that. I just hate that I can't feel it anymore.

I hate the fact that I have to start all over. I would be 25wks this Thursday. Now, we're starting from scratch with an entirely different little soul.
Like I said, it's going to be hard, and I'm sure it's going to hurt at times, but I can't wait to have that little life inside me again - to feel the kicks, the movements, to know that we can bring another blessing into this world.
I don't think it would matter if we waited to get pregnant again. The fact is, is that the last time I WAS pregnant, it was Cameron inside of me. He's the last thing I knew about being pregnant, and whether we wait 1 month or 2 years, I'm not just going to forget that.

I just pray it doesn't take us long. It only took us 3 months to get pregnant with Cameron, so I'm not anticipating anything to stop us, but you just never know. I just wish I could see into the future and know that our next baby is going to be just fine...

Trying again...

Well, as you all know, we have been toying with the thought of TTC again. We weren't sure when we would start trying, but initially thought November.

Being a mother who has lost her baby, I have that emptiness inside me. The emptiness that needs to be filled now.
I got my first cycle this month, and am thinking that if my midwife thinks its OK, we will be trying for a June 2009 baby.

I really believe I'm ready, and it's the only thought in my head that makes me somewhat happy when I'm having a down moment. I am now past those feelings of utter guilt. I know Cameron wouldn't want me longing for another baby forever, and I know he would want Aiden to have a little brother or sister here on Earth with him. Aiden so wants me to have another baby!

I'm nervous, but that's expected. I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy my next pregnancy, but I'm not sure how that's going to go. When I was pregnant with Aiden, I was so care free. I thought that after 13wks. I didn't have anything to worry about. And my pregnancy went on without a single glitch.
Now, I'm 4yrs older and I know the dangers. I'm completely aware of what can happen! I've seen it happen to my close friend who lost her son at 37wks. to some freak occurrence

...and I've lived it myself.

I ask myself how I'm supposed to enjoy pregnancy after this. I know Cameron will be watching over me and I'll make sure to ask him to keep an extra eye on his little brother/sister. I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy it and remember that each baby is a true blessing! I won't be able to breath easy until that baby is born - alive and in my arms! I can't imagine how I'm going to feel or how special that moment is going to be to my family!!

Friday, September 5, 2008

The beauty in life...

Fall is fast approaching and honestly, it's somewhat of a relief. I don't know that Summer will ever be the same for me again.
I'm looking forward to Fall though! It's such a beautiful and peaceful time of year and I know it will reflect Cameron more than ever!

The days are getting better now, but my heart still aches - as I'm sure it always will. I miss him so much and everyday is just another day without my little boy.
I don't know if this pain will ever go away, but I'm living proof that it does get better. I'm living with Cameron's death in the only way I know how - to just let the pain come. To let my heart hurt how it needs to in order for it to try and heal itself.
There will always be a part of my heart missing, but I know Cameron has that missing piece and he always will. He'll hold it dear until we meet again one day.

The love between a mother and son is indescribable, and the loss of a son is just the same. I can't describe the pain to anyone. It just hurts insanely bad - that's all I can say.
It doesn't make sense to lose a child because it's not the "order of life". No child should die before their parent and no child should die before ever taking their first breath.
Having said that, I will never stop trying to find the beauty in this. In this moment, it is so awful and ugly, but one day I hope to wake up and see the "beautiful" reason behind it.

Cameron's death has already shown me so much! I pay more attention to the world around me - the beautiful things it has to offer. Every flower, every bird, butterfly or animal I pass, I take notice to! The ripples in the water, the leaves as they fall from the trees - it all catches my eye!

I think that all has a lot to do with my decision to pursue photography! Like I've said, I've always been interested in it and It has always fascinated me, but only recently have I been able to look at things and see them so beautifully.
I want to capture these things so they will forever be locked in time. So that I can forever remember this gift my angel has given me! I will think of it as my gift back to him and my gift to others - To give them the ability to see things the way I see them now!

So often we take so much for granted. I can't thank God enough for letting me live to experience these things. Things I took for granted - things I never paid much mind to until I lost my sweet baby boy. I'm sad that it took Cameron's passing to make me realize this. But, I will always cherish him and what he has shown me!

...I just wish there was a way to bring him back and promise that I would never take these little things around me for granted anymore.

Monday, September 1, 2008

It takes one step at a time

Lastnight was hard, I won't lie. The one month marker had been eating away at me all day, and I just let it go lastnight. Between it being a month and me holding that sweet baby boy, the day proved to be a bit too much for me.

It's OK though...I feel a little bit better this morning. Chev and I had a talk lastnight and I told him everything that had been bothering me. He finally let himself get angry infront of me...he even cried infront of me for the first time. I don't want to see him hurt, but to see him in the way that I've been for the past month, made me feel...I don't know...I don't know the word to use.

I do wish that I could have encounters like the one I had on the 4th night after Cameron passed. It was the night of August 4th...actually...it might have actually been August 5th because I think it was around 12:30-1:00am. Anyway, I was lying in bed and I closed my eyes. I got into that half-asleep, half-awake stage and I heard a woman's voice. I didn't recognize the voice, but it was clearly a woman's. She said, "Hollie, do you hear that? That's Cameron, he's here." I sat up in bed completely confused, but with a great sense of comfort in my heart. It didn't hit me until later that the woman's voice I heard could have very well been my grandmother - my father's mother. She died of Cancer when my dad was 18...in the same hospital where we lost Cameron. I never met her, so that would explain why I didn't recognize her voice. I also feel she was there with me when I delivered Cameron. After I had him, there was a great peace that surrounded me. I didn't cry...I just felt very peaceful.

I still get little signs everynow and then. The other day I was having a bad day and I got 2 texts that day. One from a friend of mine who NEVER texts me. Like, it's probably been about a year since she texted me. It said, "Dear God, the girl who is reading this is beautiful. Please help her live everyday to it's fullest." About an hour later I got another one from another friend saying, "God told me to tell you that everything your going through is being taken care of..."
Or how I'll get things in the mail on a bad day and it makes that day so much better. Or how I'll be sitting outside on a calm, nice day and when I start really really thinking about everything, a strong gust of wind comes through or a butterfly flutters by, right in front of me.
I know Cameron is all around me, and I don't need signs from him to let me know that. It's just nice to have them!! It's very comforting to me, and I know he knows that and that's why he continues to send them my way.

I was also explaining to Chev what it feels like when Cameron is right here with me. Some nights, I'll be sitting here by myself, and I'll close my eyes and out of nowhere I get chills that envelope my entire body...and then I feel weightless. It's the most amazing, crazy, feeling ever and unless you've experienced it, you have no idea what I'm talking about.