Friday, December 26, 2008

I made it!

Well I made it through. It wasn't easy, but we did it!

Honestly, Christmas Eve was much harder than Christmas Day. I think mainly because on Christmas Eve, we were around ALL of the family. We went to my uncle's house, and I was fine when I walked in. I walked past my dad, and he reached out and hugged me and asked how I was doing. I laid my head on his shoulder and said, "Fine..." and then sighed real loudly and the tears just came. I ran to the bathroom and he was quick to follow.

We hugged and cried together, and all I kept thinking and saying was, "He should be here!!". My dad said the same thing - he said that's all he had thought about that day. That Cameron should have been there for everyone to be loving on, holding, and fussing over.
After about 5min. in there, we got ourselves together and walked out. I grabbed a plate and headed out to the tables to get some food. When I walked out there, my mom said, "You OK"? Again, I lost it. I tried so hard not to, but I couldn't fight it. This time I didn't run to the bathroom, I just lost it...right there infront of everyone.
Everyone was very supportive though, and before I knew it, I had my mom, Chev, my aunt, my brother, and my cousins all hugging me.

After that, I went inside to lay on the couch because I was so tired. I just laid there, and triedn to sleep, but nothing happened. I just stared at that angel atop the Christmas tree and started bawling. I got it together and a few minutes and decided I wasn't going to do this. I closed my eyes and talked to Cameron for a bit, and then got up to go and be with the rest of the family.

The rest of the night didn't go too bad. Then we went to Chev's families little thing. They didn't mention a damn thing. Didn't ask how we were doing, didn't mention Cameron....nothing! I love them, don't get me wrong, but they are some of thee most thoughtless people I've ever met! It wouldn't surprise me had they forgotten completely!

Christmas Day was actually a little easier, and I think it's because we didn't have all of the family around. I love my family, they're a great support, and I like being around them, but at that point yesterday, it just reminded me so much how how Cameron should be here. That hurt.

I miss my little sweet pea so much! I know he's here though - always around me. I just have remember that.


I really need to start a separate blog for this, but at the same time, it's kind of cool to have Cameron and his little brother or sister share this.

I had my first u/s on Tuesday. Baby was measuring exactly 7wks, with a heartbeat of 137! We did see another one, but at the time, were not able to pick up a heartbeat. I'm not too worried right now because it's still early, and they didn't do a transvaginal u/s on me. She had to zoom in for us to pick up the hb of the first one, but never zoomed in on the 2nd one to check. I should have just demanded a travsvaginal one, damn it!
She said, "Looks like we might have a twin here!!" and was all excited. Then, when she couldn't find the hb, she said, "Well, I guess we'll just assume it's the yolk sac.". UM, what?! NO. I know what a yolk sac looks like, and I know it's not supposed to be that far away from the baby! Every u/s I've ever seen, the yolk sac is RIGHT NEXT to the baby. Not all the way at the bottom of the sac! You couldn't even see it from the u/s pic she gave us - that's how far away it was from the baby!

So, I have an appoointment with the intake nurse on Monday and am going to ask her about it and see if we can't get in for a transvaginal. I really think the tech. was just doing that to save me stress and sadness. We had talked about Cameron while I was in there, and I think she thought it would have upset me. While I would be sad, I'm so thankful we have atleast one healthy baby in there! Plus, it's not her job to do that.

So, we will see! We've got 2 scenarios here:
1) It was still too early, and baby #2 was just a few days behind.
2) Baby #2 isn't going to develop. I've heard it's very commen (especially when they're in the same sac) for the healthier of the two, to actually steal nutrients and whatnot away from the 2nd one to the point to where the 2nd one doesn't deveopl a heartbeat or to where the heart will actually stop. I suppose it's nature at her best with the whole "natural selection" crap.

I will update after my appointment and let you know what we find out!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

So much going through my head!

I looked at Cameron's picture for the first time in about a month last night. It was odd. I smiled.
I can't explain what went through me, but it was some weird sense of happiness - like I know he's happy where he's at, and I know he couldn't be happier for us right now.

Then there was that little bit of sadness still tugging at my heart - I suppose it will for awhile...if not the rest of my life.

I have a feeling he would have been here by now. Aiden was 3 days shy of being 3wks early. Not to say that every baby is the same, but if my first came a little early, I have a feeling Cameron would have too. Does that make this upcoming week any easier? Definitely not. That was the day we had talked about since day 1, the day that so many people we're so surprised about when we told them our due date. I've only cried once or twice in the past week...just thinking about things. Mainly when we were back in the hospital, and back at my appointments when everything was going OK.

I really do think this pregnancy is helping though. Because, in the midst of this sadness, I feel this little bit of light shining through, and I know that's because of this tiny miracle inside of me. Letting me know that things are going to be OK, and that Cameron is watching over all of us.

I just miss him dearly. I can't and won't deny that I want my baby boy back, but I know that isn't possible, and I need to just remind myself that he's not gone. He's just away for awhile. Or more so, I'm away from him. I'll see him one day, when I go home. We all will. That's really what has gotten me through so many hard times. I've read many accounts of people who have died, and met their loved ones, only to be brought back to life to tell their stories. To know that I will hold him again one day is all I need to think about to be at peace again.

Then there's Aiden. How and when do I tell him about this baby? We've kept it from his so far, but I'm bursting because I know he wants this so badly. And as confident as I am about this pregnancy, I would hate for something to happen and for him to go through that again. He was devastated when we lost Cameron, and I could never do that to him again. I'm thinking maybe after my first appointment? My initial instinct was to wait until I started to show, but I can't wait to see the excitement on his face!

He's learned a lot about death in the past year. From Cameron, to his guinea pig, to two of the kittens our cat just had. I'm sad for him, but it is part of life.

What hurts me is when he asked me one time, "Can I have another brother or sister? When will you have a baby in your belly again?", and I answered, "Yes baby, you can. I don't know when mommy will have a baby in her belly again, but it will happen." He responded with this, "Will that baby die too?".
We were in the middle of the grocery store when this took place, and it stopped me dead in my tracks, and absolutely broke my heart.

I explain the best I can to him that something happened in my belly, and that Cameron got sick because of it, so Jesus took him home with him so he could be all better. He seemed content with that, but I don't want him to think that all babies die and go to Jesus before they're born.

I'll think on this one awhile. 4yr olds aren't the easiest to convince when they have their minds made up about something... lol

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Happy Birthday to me...

Well, things are going well over here.

I've just been trying to keep myself busy, now that Christmas is just around the corner. I know it's coming, I can't stop it, and I'm nervous. I'm nervous as hell. I'm not really sure why though...maybe because I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to act come that day!

I know we'll have tons of family stuff going on, but that's not going to take my mind off of it. Will I cry all day? Will I be OK? Will it be on and off? It's just so uncertain, and that's what I hate.

Heather and I have been talking a lot about our angels lately. It makes things easier, but it just down right sucks that we both have to be going through this!

I am excited about her Christmas gift though! I have decided to purchase a star from the national star registry and name it after Wyatt! She will get a certificate and a map of the star! I will also be doing one for Cameron! I just know she's going to love it!

Today is my birthday, and while it was a good day, it was very hard. I knew there was a possibility that Cameron could have come today...or any day soon for that matter! Plus, it's Thursday. The dreaded Thursday! The day my water broke, the day Cameron passed away, the day we lost the pregnancy last month. But then there's the "OK" aspect of that day. It's my birthday and the day Cameron would have been due.

... I can't believe that day is only 14 days away. I can't believe I'd be 38wks pregnant today.

As far as the pregnancy - everything seems to be going great! I feel great, other than the fact that I'm exhausted 24/7, but I'm not complaining! I just can't wait to have my energy back!

Speaking of...I need to get to bed! I'm so tired, and I've got to be up at 6:00 for work.

Friday, December 5, 2008

2nd HCG levels

Got my 2nd numbers back today!

12dpo = 80
14dpo = 187

They have more than doubled by a bit, so everything seems to be right on track!!

I called my OB's office and set up my appointment with the intake nurse and my OB. My appointment with the nurse is on the 29th, and my first appointment with my OB is on January 12. The receptionist said they would probably schedule me for an ultrasound shortly after my OB appointment, but I think the intake nurse will request one for me sooner. She did when I was pregnant with Cameron, only because I had some light cramping. She made up the reason of "Due date confirmation", because she knew it wouldn't be approved for cramping, lol. She was awesome.

My OB told me he wanted to have one done sooner this time around, to ease my mind about things, so I don't think she'll have any issues scheduling one for me. I'll be 8wks when I see her, and 10wks when I see my OB.

So I'm thinking I'll have the u/s done between 8-9wks.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Just got the call from my Dr.

My HCG was 80 (yesterdat at 12dpo)

I freaked out at first, thinking it should have been higher! Especially since my gf called and told me hers was 500 something at 16dpo (twins for her though). She said that put me at about 2.5wks, and I freaked. I was like, "No...I'm 4wks!". She laughed and said, "No hun, 2.5wks from conception." LOL duh! So that would put me at 5wks, with the baby being 2.5wks. Whew!

I also checked this one site and I'm right on! It said the median for 12dpo is 35, so 80 is great!

I have another draw tomorrow just to check things out and make sure my numbers are doubling how they're supposed to! Once I get those results back, I will call my OB and make my first appointment! :)

So far, so good

Well, so far, everything is looking good. My tests have been getting darker and darker, and I got a "pregnant" on a digital at 11dpo.

I went and had my blood drawn yesterday, and will have the results back today (hopefully!). That's what the lab tech. told me anyway!

I'm feeling great! Other than some mild, normal annoying things, everything is good right now! I know some cramping is normal in early pregnancy, but I haven't even had much of that. No spotting either!

Everyone is very happy for us, but nervous at that same time. Hell, so are we...obviously! But, I'm not going to let what happened to us, prevent me from enjoying this pregnancy. I know every pregnancy is different - I was shown that with Aiden and Cameron.

Bottom Line: We're seriously excited!!!

We had a family moment the other night while decorating the tree. We waited to put Cameron's ornament on last, and we did it together. It was very emotional. I cried, and for the first time since Cameron's memorial, Chev cried too. In a way, it was nice to see. I just grabbed Aiden and all 3 of us just hugged. I couldn't help but think of the little life inside of me. Plus, I knew Cameron was right there with us, so really....all 5 of us were there :)

I never though in a million years we'd be a family of 5!!!!

Of course, I would love to have all of my children here, but I have to remember that I am still very blessed. I've got a wonderful husband, an amazing son here on Earth, a beautiful angel watching over us, and a precious little one inside of me.

I can't help but smile...

Friday, November 28, 2008


Well, apparently I am one fertile girl!

Yep, you guessed it! I got another BFP today! I was kind of expecting it because we timed everything PERFECTLY, and my temps were looking awesome. BUT, I wasn't expecting to get one this soon! I'm 8dpo! The earliest was 9dpo with Cameron, so I guess I'm no that far off!

I've taken two tests today and both were positive :). I'm going to take another on Sunday, just to see that line get darker, and then make an appointment for bloodwork on Monday.

I just hope that since I got it so early, it means that everything is going great and working just how it should!!

I hope this little one sticks, and sticks good this time!!! Oh and I will be due Aug. 12, but we'll know for sure with our first u/s :)

...not to mention it's my mom's birthday today! I sent her a text with a pic of the positive and said, "Surprise! Happy Birthday!" - she's ecstatic!! She said she almost started crying when she saw it!

Monday, November 24, 2008

A little gift

My mom had gotten me these two gifts last week, and I couldn't be happier with them!!

The bulb will go on the tree, and while the "crystal" is also meant to go on the tree, I hang it on my rearview mirror in the car!

Honestly, getting these gifts made the holidays seem a LITTLE easier. It made me happy that we definitely have something to put on the tree, and that we're making sure Cameron is a part of all we do!

I couldn't believe she got his footprints on there too!! For an ornament, I was thinking a little blue baby booty, with his name on it, so you can imagine my surprise when she showed these to me, and I saw his little footprints on there!

They both read, "Cameron David - Forever Our Angel - July 31,2008

I'm not sure exactly where she got the bulb, but the crystal thing came from

They can even put your childs face on there!

Here's the part of the page where those exact ones are!

Monday, November 10, 2008

First Snow...

We had our first snow here today. I was fine this morning when I woke up, but the minute I saw that snow, something inside me just shut off. I haven't been back to my "normal" self since then.

I don't want it to snow, I don't want winter to be here, and I'm so not looking forward to the upcoming holidays. The snowfall today was like a punch in the stomach. Nothing is going to stop just because I want it to. The holidays are still going to come, and people are still going to celebrate, even though I'm hurting.

I don't even want to think about Christmas. The snow made me realize that it's coming fast. If it weren't for Aiden, I doubt we'd even put up a tree this year. At the same time, I hate saying that, because I don't want to not do something because Cameron's not here. I want it to be special, but how do you do that when you're missing the one and only thing you want that day.

Cameron would have been the best Christmas present ever, and now he won't be here. All I'll have is a tiny santa hat for his urn, and special ornament for the tree. That does NOT make up for my baby not being here.

We pulled up into the driveway tonight, after being at Chev's parent's house, and I noticed the snow build up on my car. It was covering Cameron's decal on my back window. I feeling of anger went through me. I wanted to jump out of the jeep, and just frantically start pushing that snow away. Instead, I collected myself, walked up to the car and brushed it away. There was ice underneath, so it was still covered.

I hated that snow more than ever right then.'s hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Trying to figure things out...

My family Dr. called back with my number. My levels were a 6

Yes, this is considered pregnant, but not very. My levels should have been much higher.

It confuses me because I got a + on the day before, the day of, and the day after my blood draw. How in God's name did an HPT pick up so little?

I've been bleeding and cramping all day. TMI, but basically soaking a pad every 2hrs.

Basically, there's no hope in my mind at this second, and I've accepted what's happening.

I've been very down today for multiple reasons. I shouldn't have to be going through this. I should be 8 months pregnant with my little Cameron. But I'm not. Even so, I shouldn't be having these problems. I'm young, I'm healthy, and I had NO problems with Aiden what so ever. Now, here I am, once again starting from scratch.

It's very frustrating for me. And now here I am, again, scared to death I won't be pregnant before Cam's due date.

I called the nurse at my OB's office and talked to her. I told her what happened last month, and now this month, and she wants to get me in to see my OB. That scared me.
I thought this was something normal that can happen after losing a baby so late. She said it's just to make sure there's nothing else going on. I'm just not sure what's happening. I'm getting pregnant, but not staying pregnant.

I just don't get why this is happening to me. I don't want it to happen to anyone, but why me?! Why not the crackhead down the street who neglects and abuses her children.

What have I done, that is so wrong, that I don't deserve to give Aiden a little brother or sister here on Earth!? He's being affected by this too! He so wants someone to play with. He's got all of his friends, yes, but they all have brothers and/or sisters. It makes me so angry!

It's Over...

Well, I hate to say this, and ruin the excitement around here, but this pregnancy was short-lived.

I started bleeding pretty heavily this morning, and passed 2 big clumps of something, I'm cramping...all of that awful stuff that happens I suppose.

I don't understand this. Haven't I been through enough this year? Honest to God!? It's just frustrating because 4yrs ago I was able to get pregnant, have a flawless pregnancy, and deliver a healthy baby!

I obviously don't have a problem getting pregnant, it's the last 2 that my stupid body is having issues with.

I can't dwell on this though. All I can do is move forward and know that it will happen when the time is right.

...I guess.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

A bittersweet time...

Ok, so I know this is probably completely normal, but it's frustrating to me at the same time.

Of course I'm absolutely thrilled at the thought of being pregnant again. At the same time though, there's a great sense of sadness within me. I think it all comes down to the simple fact that I want Cameron, and I know this baby isn't him.

It's going to be so hard to get used to the idea of a different baby. Cameron was the last thing I knew about being pregnant, and I can't just forget that. In my mind, I'm having my 3rd child, but my second is missing. I've been pregnant two times in 8 months. Nothing about those two statements is normal.

I'm also very afraid of getting so wrapped up in this pregnancy that I stop thinking of Cameron. I know in my heart that's not possible, but the thought does go through my head. I just want him to know that I love him no matter how many other children we have. He's still our son. He's our little baby boy and he always will be.

I don't want to resent this baby for not being Cameron. I don't want to ever look at him/her and think, "Why are you here and Cameron's not?!". I don't think that will happen, but it still scares me.

I'm sure these are all perfectly normal feelings to have while being pregnant after a loss. I'm thinking about maybe going to talk to someone though. Just to get these things out - not just on here, but to an actual person. Maybe that person can help me get through these fears and these feelings.

I don't know anyone in real life that has gotten pregnant after a stillborn. My friend Heather, of course, but she's still not pregnant. She's hoping this month though!

It's still very early, and things are still very new to me. We'll give this some time and see what happens.

Early scare

I had a bit of a scare today. But apparently it's normal, and I need to chill out.


I was at work and went to the bathroom. I looked down and saw brown in my underwear. I wasn't too worried because it was brown, but when I wiped there was bright red on the toilet paper.

My hear immediately sank! I sat there for a minute and wiped again...this time, just a pink color.

I got up and went back about my business and came back about 15min later just to double check. This time there was barely anything there. Just some more brown stuff. I felt a bit better

I came home and quickly took a cheap dollar tree HPT. It came out positive, which also made me feel better, because up until today, I was not able to get a + on any other test than the blue dye test! Apparently those are super sensitive(?)!!

I did call the Dr. while at work and the lady told me that the results wouldn't be in for 2-3 days! Are you friggin kidding me?! I despise our family Dr. office! Don't get me wrong, they're great there, but they take FOREVER to get anything done! And, if I don't call to get the numbers, I doubt I would ever know because they never call anyone back! Grrr!!

So, I'm just trying to take it easy and not worry too much. That was my biggest fear. That because of what happened with Cameron, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the next pregnancy. Yes, I'm scared, but I really am trying not to be negative. It won't get me anywhere, and won't help this next baby any.

Looking at this baby as a precious gift from Cameron makes me feel better too. I know he's watching over all of us, and he's going to try his hardest to make sure his little brother or sister is healthy!

I'm nervous about my first ultrasounds and what not. It's going to be very hard. The last heartbeat I heard was Cameron's, and he was the last baby I saw. It's going to be strange looking at this new little life and knowing that it's not Cameron.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Well wouldn't you know!!!!

The minute I think that we're going to stop, guess what....

I was honestly very surprised, I won't lie. I'm happy and very excited, but insanely scared and nervous at the same time. I'll test again in a couple of days to see that line hopefully get darker. I don't really even know when I Ovulated. All I know is that fertility friend had af starting yesterday, and it didn't show. I was thinking I wasn't due until the 8th or 9th....

I just got off the phone with the Dr. and they're having me come in for bloodwork this afternoon.

If all goes well, I'll be due in July.

I suppose I just have to look at it as Cameron's gift to us. I wasn't too keane on the idea of July because that is Cameron's month. But I suppose I can look at last months failure as a sign that this is going to be a gift for us in July - from our little man.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Just thinking...

Well, i think we're going to take the Docs advice and not TTC until December. I'm even thinking January/February...

Just to give us some time and all that. With the way I've been feeling lately, it just doesn't feel like that "right" time for me. Plus, I'd love an October baby! :)

Short and sweet - off to bed!


I'm so frustrated right now!!! I just want to be pregnant again, and for whatever reason, It's just not happening.

Ok, ok...we've only been trying for two months, but after an early miscarriage, and then not even ovulating, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me!

I'm scared to death I won't be pregnant by Cameron's due date!!!

I shouldn't even have to be trying again! I should be going on 8 months pregnant! It's so shitty.

I've already had enough heartache in the last 3 months to last me a lifetime, and now my body won't even let me get pregnant again. The frustrations of trying to conceive, when you're already a total mess, do a number on a girl, I'll tell you that.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

What's wrong with me?!?

So I'm very comfortable in saying that I had a chemical pregnancy last month. For those that don't know, it's basically a very early miscarriage. It happens in 50-60% of pregnancies, and only with these early pregnancy tests, have women been able to find out.

Had it not been for those tests, I wouldn't have thought twice about it.

I had taken 4 tests all together. The first one I took was a cheapie and I swore I saw something! So, I took another cheapie. That was looked negative to me. So, I went out and bought some decent ones, and at first I didn't see anything. I left it in the bathroom, and after about 5min. went back and, once again, swore I saw something! I thought for sure my eyes were playing tricks on me and it was only because I wanted to badly to see something.

I took the test apart, looked at it closely and still saw it. I turned the strip over and saw an indentation line with the SLIGHTEST hint of color to it. I thought, "Evap line?". So I tested again in the morning with the same kind, and the same thing happened. Not only that, but my temps were super indicative of pregnancy!! Almost the exact temps I had when I found out I was pregnant with Cameron...

Then, a day or two later, I got my period - 4 days early and boy was it hell. Probably one of the worst I've had!

My cycle this month has been all kinds of screwy. I don't get my temps or my OPK's and monitor. I thought I had O'd this past weekend. Well on Sunday, while at the store, something gave me the urge to get some OPK's. So, I did.
I peed on one that night and, while negative, it was very dark. I did another on in the morning and it was 100% positive. I didn't understand because everything else had pointed to me O'ing over the weekend at some point.

Someone brought up the possibility that I even O'd sooner than that and the OPK was showing up + because maybe I'm pregnant. So, just to rule things out and figure out what's going on, I took a test. It was negative.

I then took that test and compared it to the 2 I had taken last month. They were completely different. There was no hint of color or indentation of a line.

It just sucks to know that something was there, but it didn't work. I know this feeling all to well. Cameron was here, but my body didn't work the way it was supposed to, and now he's gone.

I'm not super sad, or beating myself up over this... just kind of disappointed. I wish there were no pregnancy tests. That way, I wouldn't have known.

What is so wrong with my body!? Why was I able to get prengnant in a split second, have a perfect pregnancy, and deliver a perfectly healthy baby just 4yrs. ago, but now I can't seem to do any of that...

Off and On

This week has been better - so the pattern always goes.

My friend just had her babyshower for her son. Our boys were supposed to be only a month apart. It was super hard to be there, but I'm very happy for her. I was doing fine until we started playing games. I won one of the games and got to open the gift. Well, they had it set up to where she got the gift you open. So, I start pulling the tissue out of the bag, and then start pulling out baby toys, baby bottles, and bibs. It hit me then. I should be opening these things in a couple weeks - things that would have been for Cameron. I quickly put the things back in the bag and set it down next to her without saying a word.
Then it was time for her to cut her cake. While she was doing this, I couldn't help but look up at the sign in the window. "Baby Boy! Welcome Jace!". Cameron's name should have been on one of those signs here soon...
At that point, I lost it. I went outside and just bawled. Heather was there, thank God. She came out with me and we talked. She had a pretty hard time too, and that was the first time I had seen her really cry since the walk back in the beginning of October.

It was just an overwhelming sense of sadness inside. It sucked.

Then today, I get yet another baby diaper in the mail. This time from huggies. The front of the package says, "Happy & Healthy: Almost there!" - Everything about that statement is wrong.

However, today was not all bad. I had gone to the bank just a little bit ago. I walked up to the counter and chatted with the girl behind the desk while I was filling out some papers. She asked, "How are you doing? I heard what happened..." I was stunned! I didn't even know this girl! Come to find out she went to school with Chev. I told her I was doing OK, and she said she couldn't even imagine and that she was so sorry. I told her that Chev and I were doing as best as can be expected, and that we're getting through it. I also mentioned that we are hoping for a little Summer baby. She smiled at me and just said, "That'll be nice...".

It's people like that that I appreciate so much! She didn't try given me some random words of wisdom, or pretend to know how I felt. She simply asked how I was doing, and offered her condolenses.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Is this the road to nowhere?

Oh wow. My mind has been everywhere and back in the past week. Half of the time I don't even know what I'm thinking. All I know is that this sucks. It sucks and it hurts...plain and simple.

I keep going back to the hospital. I remember lying there with Cameron in my arms. I could feel the weight of him (even though it wasn't much) lying in my arms. I stared out the window and, for a second, I tried to pretend that everything was normal. That I was holding my newborn baby boy in my arms and that he was just sleeping. My mind wanted to believe that was true, but the moment I looked down, every hope that I had, every wish that was going through my head, was shattered at the sight of my precious Cameron. So beautiful, but so still. His chest wasn't rising and falling like I wanted it to. Nothing was how it was supposed to be.

And still, nothing is.

Life's not the same, I'm not the same, my heart is definitely not the same. I'm broken down, and I have absolutely no idea where to go with all of this. 3 months is coming up quick, and I don't feel as if I'm any "better" than the moment I found out Cameron was gone. Does it get better? Will I heal? Will I ever be able to go a full week without crying, ever again?

My heart aches everytime I see Aiden making loving gestures for Cameron or everytime he asks about his little brother. I love that he talks about him, but I hate that he doesn't get to meet his brother, that he was so excited about, in a couple of months. I try to include Cameron in everything we do around here! Why shouldn't I? He is still very much a part of this family, and I'm going to make sure no one forgets that. So what if he's not here. He's still my son and I love him more than life itself.

I sometimes feel like people think I'm silly for doing the things I do. Sometimes, I even feel as if Chev thinks it too. I'm probably wrong, but he just doesn't do the things I do. I don't fault him for that, and I know he loves Cameron, but I feel like he would rather just move on from what happened. Not that he wants to forget Cameron, but that maybe he doesn't want to relive what happened. Like he knows it happened, but sort of wants to "brush it under the rug."

And It's not that I want to relive what happened. I just want to keep Cameron's memory alive - it's all I have left of him. Of course people are going to ask: What memory? How could you have a memory of someone you never met?

I didn't have to officially meet my son to know him. He grew inside me for 5 months! I knew his schedule, I felt his tiny kicks, I saw his heart beating, I watched on many ultrasound screens as he played around inside my belly. I saw his face. I know he looked just like his daddy and big brother! I studied his every feature so that I will never forget it. And I haven't. Everytime I close my eyes, I can see him as clear as day, and I'm so grateful for that.
Those are the memories I have! That's my Cameron! He was a person, no matter how small!

I just hate that I feel more comfortable talking about OUR son with my friends, than I do with Chev. Well mainly just Heather I suppose. She says it's kind of the same way with her husband, so I've sort of settled on the fact that it's just a "guy thing". I don't get it, and I hate it, but I suppose that's how it is. I just feel like Chev doesn't talk about him...EVER. Not even to his friends or family. I swear sometimes his family has just let it go. They don't ask or talk about him or anything.

My mom has let me know many times that she still thinks about Cameron. Everyday as a matter of fact. I love knowing that, I really do. I know I've said it before, but it makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one with him constantly on my mind.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A night of remembrance

We lit our candle tonight. Just Aiden and I here at home.

I ran to the store to pick up some stuff super quick to make Cameron is own special candle. I had about 10-15 minutes to make it, but it turned out cute! I got it made just in time to light it.

We went over and put it in the window. As soon as it hit 7:00, I lit the wick. The moment I lit it, both Aiden and I said, "Cameron, I love you." My eyes started tearing up just hearing him say that. I looked at him and he was just staring at the candle like he was expecting Cameron to come out of it or something. At that point, I started bawling. He just looked at me and said, "You're crying mommy." I told him it was because I missed Cameron. He didn't say anything, but just leaned over and gave me a hug. I squeezed him so tight and told him how glad I was to have him and how much I loved him. He pulled back and took his hand and brushed it across my cheek, wiping my tears off. All he said was, "It's OK."

He's such a sweetheart! He can be a huge stinker at times, but he's very sensitive to others feelings. He loves his little brother and he senses how much I love him too. I just wish he could be meeting Cameron come December...

I'm thinking about each and every one of our babies tonight! I can only imagine how many candles are lit around the world for them tonight...

It's hurts enough! Why add to it!?

Today I was feeling a bit better. I was getting that happy feeling back inside of me. The real happy feeling - the one that let's me know that things are going to be OK.

Then, I get home from work at check the mail. Fabulous! There's a thing from Pampers, and on the front, it asks, "Ready for the big day?". I wanted to yell at that piece of paper in my hand, but realized I would look like a nut job had I done so. So, I rolled my eyes and I opened the the envelope. As soon as I tore away the stub, and peered inside, my heart sank. There, right inside, was a tiny, newborn sized diaper. I pulled it out and just stared at it. My stomach turned, and I just breathed a heavy sigh. What am I supposed to do with this little thing? This cute little diaper that would have been for Cameron.

I decided I was going to dub it "Camerons' first diaper" and I put it in his box with all of his other things.

Have I said yet how much I hate this? Yeah? Well, I'm going to say it again, and probably a thousands times more after today.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I'm hurting...

I've just been having a rough week. I was doing OK, but then had a Dr. appointment yesterday. Just to go over some things I didn't understand at my 6wk PP checkup.
I found some peace in finally knowing what happend, and what cause Cameron's heart to stop, but at the same time, being in that office, and talking about it, brought me right back to the beginning.

I feel like I'm not myself. Like I haven't been for a very long time. I think I've been tricking myself into believing that I'm OK, and that my smiles are genuine. Deep down, I know better. When I'm with a group of people, I still feel like I'm the odd one out. No one says anything to me about it, and no one makes me feel that way necessarily, but I just do.

When I'm having fun for instance - I feel like it's forced. Because the second I stop smiling, my mind goes straight to Cameron and how I would be going on 8months pregnant. How I should be having my baby shower in a month, and how big my belly would be right now.

I'm getting nervous about December being here and seeing the snow on the ground. It's just going to remind me so much that I should be welcoming my baby boy soon. Then there's Christmas - Cameron's due date. God help me, what am I going to do when that day comes?!

I feel like I haven't been taking time out for ME this entire time. I've been so concerned with what everyone else thought, that I never took the time to be selfish for once in my life. I need to do that. It's time.

I think a lot of it also has to do with me not getting pregnant this month. I know it was our first month trying, but I'm so nervous that I'm not going to get pregnant before Christmas. I think that's the only thing that will make that day a little bit easier on me.

I think I might call my doctor and talk about getting back on Wellbutrin. I hate pills. I am a firm believer that our bodies are much stronger and more resilient that Dr's give us credit for. But, there comes a time, when you really have to make a decision based on what's best for you. This is just one of those time that I may need a little help.

I'm going to give it some more time. With this new found self-awareness, and the choice to be more selfish from now on, we'll see what happens.

Somedays I just want to start driving and never stop. The only thing that keeps me from doing so is Aiden and Chev. I could never just up and leave them.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Finally some answers...

I went to the Dr. today to get a more in depth explanation of what really happened.

I walked in there, and the anxiety started right up. I wanted to cry my eyes out. It seemed that everytime I looked up from my chair, there was a pregnant belly right in front of me. Oh how I wanted my belly to be out and about - showing off my baby boy to the world...but it will never be.

I was called back, weigh, had my BP taken...all of that good stuff. Then my Dr. came in. He's such a gently, caring man! I had see him while pregnant with Aiden, but decided to switch to a midwife when I was pregnant with Cameron. Not that I regret that decision because she was an amazing person! I really really like her! I just think next time around, I'm going to feel more comfortable being with the man that has pretty much been there for both of my pregnancies. He took care of me in the last couple of weeks I had with Cameron.

Anyway, we went over some things, and come to find out, I DID acquire a uterine infection at some point after my water broke. That infection is what stopped Cameron's heart. Deep down I knew that's what happened. When I went in on July 30th and saw him on that u/s, I just knew something was wrong with him. He was always wriggling around in there - even with the limited space he had. That time was different though. He was just lying there, not moving. His heart was beating away, but he seemed to weak to put any effort into movement.

I believe that's why I said the prayer I did that night. Even though I was not ready to let him go, I knew something was wrong. I didn't want my baby boy to suffer or to be weak anymore. Then, 12hrs. later he was gone.

It still hurts so much to know that he was perfect and healthy, but that his little world inside me wasn't right. It failed him.

I felt a little drained after that appointment, I won't lie. I couldn't stop thinking of him. I couldn't stop thinking of what I could have or should have done. I went into work and asked for the day off. They completely understood and told me to go home. I'm so thankful to have such wonderful bosses.

I called my mom on the way home and broke down. I told her that I'm so afraid that people are going to forget about Cameron. I don't want people to forget about him!! I want people to talk about him, and not be afraid to mention his name around me. She told me that she thinks about him every single day, but doesn't bring it up to me because she doesn't want to make a good day bad. I explained to her that I love talking about him. Talking about my little man could never make my day bad! If anything, it will make it that much better!

When I got home, I went out to his memorial spot. I walked out there and just closed my eyes and told him I loved him. At that moment, the strongest breeze came though, and I just smiled. I said, "I know you're here sweet pea. I love you and miss you so much...". I picked up a fluffy dandelion and blew it's little seedlings into the air and walked away.

It's so beautiful out there. It was actually the first time I've been back since his memorial. I think I'm going to visit more often.

Sunday, October 12, 2008


So, I woke up this morning, rolled over and looked at the time.


After last evening and this morning...God, I don't know. Part of me just smiled, but that smile was suddenly overran with intense sadness. It's a sadness that hits you so deep down in your soul, you can't really explain it. It's a sadness that you feel over your entire body. It doesn't necessarily show to the outside world, but you can feel it in the pit of your stomach.

Sometimes it makes me half sick. Other times it makes me completely shut myself down. Once in a while, the tears will fall, and other times, I push through it. I don't know what's going to happen this time. I always get through these moments, but it's the uncertainty that scares me. Am I going to break down out of nowhere? Am I going to be a raging bitch to Chev or have a short temper with Aiden? I just don't know.

I think I can also blame a lot of how I'm feeling right now on my monthy visitor. It's not because I'm not pregnant, but more so because I'm just an emotional person...even more so around this time. Part of me is a little happy I'm not pregnant. It just gives my body one more month to get back on track, and to be that much more healthy to carry our 3rd child.

As December gets closer, I feel a nervousness coming through me. I thought for sure I'd be OK, and that we'd find something special to do for Cameron. I know I still will, but I think I'm going to be alone while doing it. Honestly, I've felt very alone this entire time. Yes, Chev has been there FOR me, but not with me. I feel like I'm the only one going through this.

I was alone at the hospital when I found out Cameron's heart was no longer beating. Chev left because he had a concrete job. Why couldn't he have stayed just 5 more minutes?! He was walking out the door as they were setting up the u/s machine!!! I also felt very alone after I delivered Cameron. Yes, Chev was right there, but I felt as if it were just Cameron and I in that bed as I held him. Chev never held him...never kissed him...nothing. Didn't even touch him.

Chev never cried once at the Walk to Remember. I looked around and saw all of these other grown men crying. Holding tissues to their face. Then I looked at my own husband and he was just standing there, once in awhile looking around. How the fuck does this not effect him!?

He never talks about Cameron - doesn't even mention his name. EVER. I do, but it turns into a 3 second conversation, and then it's just over. I am just SO over with feeling alone. Feeling like I'm the only one who lost Cameron, when he was Chev's son too!!!

I'm so thankful I have Heather and all of the other mommies on here. I truly don't know what I would do without those women. I honestly don't think I would have been able to get through this. At all.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Just a little something...

We were on our way to dinner tonight and had stopped to get gas. While Chev was out pumping gas, I, for whatever reason, turned to look out the window towards the back of the jeep.

I looked out the window and right there - the first thing to hit my eyes - was a huge sign. It was a digital sign.
It read, "6:55 pm", with fireworks shooting around it.

Cameron was born at 6:55 pm.


10 weeks

It was 10 weeks two days ago that we lost Cameron. 10 weeks that I've been without my baby boy.

I can't believe that he's been gone that long. Time seems to have just flown by these past couple of months, and when I really stop and think....I still can't believe it.

We went to the local football game lastnight, and my God there were pregnant women everywhere!! At first it didn't bother me, but after awhile, I just couldn't look at them anymore. Or, I'd look, and catch myself staring at their bellies like some weirdo. It hurt because I should be 7 months pregnant right now! I should have that big belly too, and I should be able to feel my son inside me, kicking around as he grows bigger everyday.

As I was walking back to my car, holding Aiden's hand, I almost lost it. I should have both of my boys with me! I looked at Aiden and thought to myself how lucky I was to have him, but how unlucky I was to not have his little brother here. It just hurts.

We've been trying to get the word out about P.A.I.L. this October. We've been handing out fliers at every chance we get and I'm contacted the radio station about it. It's just amazing to me that hardly anyone knows about it! I don't see ribbons, I don't hear people talk about it. I see all of this stuff for breast cancer awareness, which is absolutely fantastic, but our babies deserve to be recognized too!!

My friend and I have been doing this, and we really hope that it sheds some light on it. We're not going to stop until it becomes recognized in this community.

I'm doing it for Cameron, for my friend's son Wyatt, and for all of the other babies out there. I'm just the type of person to TRY my hardest to turn a bad situation good. Not that I could ever turn what happened into complete goodness, but if I can bring out just the tiniest about of sometihng positive, I'm going to.

Oh, and I'm not pregnant.

Monday, October 6, 2008

What a wonderful week!

My little Cameron has been around me so much in the past week! It's absolutely wonderful!

It started when I REALLY started missing him. I always miss him, but it got really hard there last week. We went to an ice cream social at Aiden's school and I was just sitting there, thinking about Cameron. My mind started wandering, and then something told me to look up. I did, and on the sleeve of someone's hoodie, the name "Cameron" was writting down the arm. I just smiled.

Then, while I was at the store looking at scrapbooks, one caught my eye. I went over to it and pulled it out and right there on the front was "Cameron". This time it actually caught my breath because I had never seen that before - ever!

Yesterday at the park, Aiden climbed the ladder all the way to the top of the big slide. He stood up and I heard him yell, "Hi brother!". I turned around and said, "What Aiden?", and he goes, "I was saying hi to brother". I couldn't help but smile.

Not even two second later, a kid the boys had made friends with was sitting on the merry-go-round and all of a sudden he goes, "Where's Cameron?!" - that was the last straw, lol. I turned to my gf and said, "This is making me a good way of course, but my goodness!!"

So, of course, this past week has been absolutely amazing to me. I love my little man!

As for the walk - it was absolutely beautiful!! Very emotional, but just amazing! We got there right at the beginning and there were only about 60 people there. By time everything started, there were hundreds! They started with the speakers, and then went on to have one person from each family come up to get a white rose for their baby(ies) as a guest sang a beautiful song. That was very had for me to walk up there and tell her, "One please." I walked back to Chev and, for a breif moment, felt as if I might collapse. I made it into his arms though.

After that we all got balloons and then got to write a message to our little ones. Chev and I both took one. We then walked down to a very beautiful, peaceful section of the park to release the balloons. One by one, babies names were called. The sight of those balloons slowly filling the sky took my breath away. Then they called Cameron's name. It took me a second to release his ballon, because the sound of his name coming from a loud speaker, took me by surprise. There were tears - oh God were there tears! The tears were obviously out of sadness, but also because of the beauty of everything. The whole event was just wonderful!


Friday, October 3, 2008

Anxiously awaiting tomorrow

Tomorrow we will be attending the Annual Walk to Remember. I'm anxious, excited, and nervous. Anxious because I don't know what to expect, excited because all of this is for Cameron and the other babies, and nervous because I want to be OK. I don't want to go and be a mess...I want it to be a beautiful day for everyone there.

I'll admit, it's going to be somewhat weird being there with so many others who have lost babies. You know it happens, but I'm afraid to see how often it does. Not that I'm naive - how could I be after what happened? It's just going to be so heart-wrenching to know that ALL of those people have felt the pain I've felt and am still feeling. It's a pain I wouldn't wish I my worst enemy.

I will be testing next week to see if I'm pregnant this month. I'm excited, but incredibly scared at the same time. I still have mild anxiety attacks, and I'm afraid of getting pregnant and having them more often. Maybe we should have waited until I could completely get over the anxiety - then again, I know it's what I want.
There's a part of me that is telling me I'm pregnant, but I don't look into that too much. I think a lot of it comes from me wanting it so badly.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Is this instinct?

Something so primal goes through me when I look at Cameron's picture. I can't explain it! I just stare, and it feels as if my heart wants to leap right out of my chest. I fight the urge of my arms wanting to reach out for a baby who's no longer there. This confuses confuses my mind, and more than anything, confuses my heart. I know I'm a mother damn why isn't my baby here with me?!

It's like those stories you hear of animals in the wild. Where the baby passes and the mother can't quite grasp it. She knows the baby is gone, but still insists on holding onto him. We, of course are not able to do that. I wouldn't "want" to, and heaven knows I would be labeled mentally insane. But, even though I don't want to, there's that urge. That strange urge inside me to just hold onto him for a little while longer. To have him here, wrapped in his blanket, in my arms.

Sure, the optimal thing would be for him to be here - a healthy newborn, heavy in my arms. But honestly, even if he was the way he was on July 31 - still as can be - I would still want him in my arms. Just to have a little more time. But, it's time I know I'll never get back, and that's what kills me inside.

I was so hoping this week would be a great one! I want to go to this walk with "happy" thoughts in knowing that all of what is going on that day, is for Cameron and the others. If I'm a mess, so be it. Atleast this time, I'll have hundreds of other around me who know EXACTLY what I'm crying for. I won't have people looking at me like something is wrong with me, or thinking that I need counseling because, *GASP*, it's been 2 months and I "shouldn't still be crying".

Our shirts are done!!!

So we got our shirts back that we had made for the Walk To Remember this weekend! I'm very happy with them! I wanted something simple and cute and that's what we got!

The front has the logo on it and reads "We walk for the steps they'll never take - October 4, 2008"

You can obviously read the back - and yes, those are Cameron's footprints we had put on there. The shirts a little wrinkly, so it's a little hard to see them, but that's them!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Please "meet" Cameron...

I've been wanting to share our sweet Cameron with those of you who have followed us this whole time. I would have done it sooner, but it's just one of those things you really need to be ready for! I'm completely ready!

Today was the first day I've looked at his beautiful picture in a couple of weeks. Like I said before, I can always picture his little face in my head, but to have that picture there is different. With the picture right in front of me, I can see every little detail of his beautiful face. His chubby cheeks, his little chin, his button nose and his adorable pouty lips. It just makes me miss him that much more...

I can't help but run my fingers along his picture everytime I pull it out. I can't hold back the kisses or the need to hold the picture as close to me as possible. It makes me feel like he's right there, in my arms :)

So without further adieu, I present to you, our precious Cameron David (it's a picture of his picture, so it's a little fuzzy and what not, but I couldn't get my scanner to work)

Here's his big brother Aiden at about 2wks old. Even at 19wks, I could tell he was going to look just like him!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A Walk to Remember

I just found out about this walk tonight and that it is being held here in Michigan on October 4th! It will be in Lowell, which is a little over 2hrs. away from us, but I don't care!!

It will be another day to celebrate Cameron and all of the other little babies who's lives were lost! I didn't make the deadline to get his name on the official t-shirt, but his name and a short message I wrote, will still be able to be read during the memorial!
We will be getting balloons at the beginning of the memorial and will release them when they read Cameron's name!

As far as the t-shirt goes, I will be making our own! I'm so excited about this! I wish I weren't having to do it, but it's such a great thing! It's very bittersweet to be a part of it!

Here's the actual site:

I was able to find Michigan's by googling it! So, if you don't see your state or a city near you on there, try looking it up elsewhere!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The dark cloud is moving on...for now!

My bad moments are passing, thank God, but I know they're not gone forever! I don't have that heavy feeling in my chest today! That's how I can tell when things are going to be bad - I'll think of Cameron, and for a split second, it feels like someone is sitting on my chest.

Today I thought of him and smiled...nothing else :)

I also held my 3rd newborn today. It was a girl and my goodness was she beautiful! She looked like a little doll! She was born yesterday to a friend of mine and I couldn't be happier for them! What tickles me so much inside is that everytime I've held a newborn since Cameron passed, I get a smile out of them. Everytime.
Little Ellie was just born and, when I held her, she woke up. You could tell she couldn't focus on much, but she was staring at my face and just got the biggest, cutest little smile on her face! The same thing happened with the two newborn baby boys I held!

I know it's Cameron's way of helping me with it. It's hard to hold those babies, but when they smile... my God my heart just melts, and I can't help put feel intense happiness!

I so want to be pregnant again. Holding those babies only confirms my feelings and makes any doubt I have go away! When I'm having a down moment, the only thing that I think of that would make me happy (besides having Cameron back) is the thought of being pregnant. I know I need to be patient, but it's so hard to wait!

I'm also thinking about posting Cameron's picture here to share with everyone. I know some of you have seen him already (through babycenter and such), but I know there are others that haven't, and I think I'm ready. I've been inspired by other mommies who have been able to posts their angels picture on the blogs! I haven't looked at his picture in a while, so I'm a little nervous of how I'm going to feel.
I can picture his little face as clear as day, but seeing the actual picture might be a little harder...we'll see!

Monday, September 22, 2008


Oh today has been very on and off for me.

For one, Aiden started preschool today! The preschool is at the elementary and is in an actual classroom. It reminds me more of pre-K than anything. I just can't believe how big he's getting! Of course I was happy - he looked like such a big boy!
But in the back of my mind, it hit me - I will never get to see Cameron on his first day of preschool. That thought stayed with me almost the entire day.

After we got home, I went outside to sit on the deck and I could feel the tears coming. I closed my eyes, thinking that would stop them. I opened them only to have buckets of tears run down my face. Seriously, I've never had tears that heavy before. That'll teach me to never do that again.
I just sometimes feel that if I close my eyes, I can make this all go away. But, as it was shown today, closing your eyes doesn't make a single thing go away, it just makes it invisible for that moment.

The minute I opened my eyes, and those tears fell, I knew nothing was ever going to be the same for me again. I've known this since the second I found out Cameron's heart stopped beating, but it REALLY hit me today.
I realized that every milestone in life that Aiden hits is only going to remind me of the one's Cameron will never get to experience.
I will never let that overshadow my happiness for Aiden, but it's always going to be there.

It's such a gut-wrenching feeling to know that my son will never run around our yard with his big brother or that he'll never get to experience the taste of ice cream on a hot summer's day. While these things don't define life, they do make it worth living - these tiny experiences make it more fulfilling.
I know Cameron is somewhere where none of that matters. Somewhere where things are beautiful all of the time. I know he's happy and that makes me happy. I'm happy for him, but not for myself.

I just hate knowing that MY son will never be here with me. What sense does that make?! How can that be possible? It's just not right...

Missin' my little man...

I've been thinking a lot about Cameron in the past couple of days. I mean, he's always in my heart and my thoughts go to him constantly throughout the day, but just more so lately.

I cried while driving to work yesterday. Nothing too bad, but definitely some tears. I don't know if it was from seeing all of the pregnant women coming in or if it was from folding the baby boy clothes in the baby section the day before, but something was definitely getting to me. I tried smiling through the tears and telling Cameron I loved him, but it didn't take the sadness away this time.
I was OK by time I actually got to work, but would still stop throughout the day and fall into a semi-daydreaming state. At one point, I walked over to the baby section and grabbed onto a baby blue onesie - newborn size. I grabbed onto it and squeezed it, then ran my fingers down it. All I could think about was how I should be buying those cute little outfits for Cameron to wear in 3 months. I sighed, let out a half smile and went about my business.

Lastnight I was lying on the couch and just started singing. I don't know what brought on the urge, but I did it. I love singing, and it was one of my favorite things to do when I was pregnant with Cameron! Especially during those 3wks of bedrest! I would just lie there and sing to him for hours on end. I miss doing that, and I'm sad I can't really do it anymore. I still sing to him, but he's not where he should be and that's what makes it hard.
I love that I got that special time with him when I did though, and It's something I'll never forget as long as I live.

I then started thinking of his sweet face! God, those chubby little cheeks were just the most precious thing in the entire world! I'm just so incredibly sad that I don't get to see them come Christmas. It's so hard to think about that, but I know we'll do our own special thing for him come Christmas time!

...I just miss him. I have since July 31, and I will for the rest of my life.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Where am I with all of this?

I just realized today that I haven't written in Cameron's journal in a long time. Also, I haven't pulled his things out of his box to look at them, to touch them, to hold them close to me, like I did so often in the first month.

What does this mean?

Well, I haven't quite figured that out yet, but I'm assuming it's a step forward in this horrible process? I still plan on writing in his journal from time to time, and I will still pull his things out of his box to stare at, to touch, and probably shed a tear or two over. But, I don't need those things as my crutch anymore. I used to pull them out when I was having a bad moment, but I've learned to just think about Cameron and think about the love I have for him in my heart. That, in itself, brings peace to me nowadays. Do I still miss him? More than words could ever possibly say! I always will.

It's a confusing feeling - to be stricken with something so horrible and to hurt so bad, and yet start finding peace with it. I don't really know how I'm doing it - it just sort of comes over you.

I also know that in an instant, that peaceful feeling can be torn from you. You feel like you're pushed back to square one. That part of it scares me. I hate feeling like I did in the first days/weeks of losing Cameron, and I don't ever want to go back to those days. It's happened before and I know it can happen again, but I try not to let it. I know deep down that you can't stop it entirely from coming. You can push it back, but it'll only hit you even harder a few days later. I've learned to just let it come because, even though it hurts, I know it'll pass. It sucks to know that I've got to build that part of me up again, but I believe it makes me stronger every time I do it.

I think I'll go write to Cameron right now. I don't know if it will make my night harder or not, but it's something I really want to do right now.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Minor (but annoying) setback!

I'm a little disappointed and a little confused right now.

Ok, well first things first: I did talk with dh and he's on board with trying to conceive again right now. He explained that his only reason for wanting to wait until November was out of concern for me. He didn't want me to be wanting this only because I had just seen his best friend's newborn son. He was afraid me of getting pregnant too soon and becoming depressed or something happening to the baby.
I explained to him that I have been ready for a couple of weeks now. I'm 99.9% ready. That 1% of doubt will ALWAYS be there - out of fear and out of heartache from missing Cameron.
I told him that if I were to get pregnant and we lost the baby early on, then we do and we know it was too soon. As sad as I would be, and as harsh as this may sound, nothing will ever compare to a stillbirth. And if I can get through that, I can get through anything.

I do have to mention something though! As we were lying in bed talking about it, all of a sudden a green light was cast on the ceiling. I looked around because I had no idea what would be causing it! Well I looked down and, on a pillow, on the floor was Cameron's blanket - with my phone lying on top of it. It's the blanket he had with him in the hospital and the one I sleep with everynight. So my phone is lying on his blanket and it turned on out of nowhere! It was putting that green light on the ceiling. So I jokingly turned to Chev and said, "See honey, Cameron's giving us the green light too!" :)

Ok, back to my story. So the TTC talk is out of the way and we're good to go. Problem is, now all of a sudden my body is deciding to be funky. I had the typical post-partum bleeding after delivery for 2wks. Had nothing for 3wks after that and then got my first period. That lasted 5-6 days. Like any regular cycle right? Well that's what I thought!
I had been tempin and charting and all of that fun stuff, and everything pointed to be getting ready to ovulate by the end of this week! But, out of nowhere, the minute Chev and I talk and agree on ttc, I start, what I think is my 2nd period in 2 weeks!!

I'm bummed because...well, 1.) I don't know what's going on with my body now. and 2.) This means we will be put back on ttc.

Maybe it's a sign that we shouldn't be starting so soon, but idk!!!! I am soooo ready, and now this gets thrown in my way and it's just frustrating! My body was doing everything it was supposed to do in order to get back to normal, and now this.

Monday, September 15, 2008

The tears will come

The tightness in my chest is still there, and I know everything is going to come out full force at some point soon. I'm just sitting here, waiting for the inevitable. Just waiting for something to set it off. Although, now that I think about it, nothing ever really "sets it off". I just get an enormous amount of grief that falls over me and then the tears come.

It could also be because Chev's bestfriend and his fiance just had their baby boy yesterday. When they called, I was so happy and excited, but within minutes, my heart began to ache.
I want that, damn it!! I wanted to be able to call everyone on Christmas day and tell them our baby boy was here!! But, I'll never be able to do that now.
I'm excited to see them, but there's a knot in my stomach just thinking about it. I don't want to go in there being a blubbering mess, as I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't think it will be THAT bad, but I can assure you there will be tears.

I just want to get it "done and over with", so to speak. I don't mean that in a way that I'm not looking forward to seeing them, but it's definitely another hurdle I can't wait to get over. I'm very much the type of person to "get right back on that horse", or to "bite the bullet" when it comes to these challenges. In a way, it's made me a stronger person throughout my life, but in this situation, I'm finding it harder than ever to push through these "milestones" of my grief.

Makes sense, as I've never been through the grieving process. I've never had to worry about holding a baby after a loss, being around pregnant women after a loss, thinking about ttc after a loss. I hate it.

Speaking of TTC, I'm not 100% sure I'm ready at this moment. I mean, for the most part I am, but every once in awhile, I get that feeling like maybe I'm just not. It could all be because I haven't actually sat down with Chev and talked about it yet. I just assumed that after my comments at the Dr's office last week that he would know that I wanted to. There should be no reason he wouldn't want to, unless HE'S not ready. We'll talk tonight, I promise! I need get on the ball if I really want to try this month because my window will be closed by this weekend!
Of course, it all depends on how I feel after we talk!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Just another bad day...

I'm having a bit of a down day. I don't really know where it came from, but I felt it creeping up on me last night around 3am. I was on my way home and an overwhelming sense of sadness came over me. I missed my little boy.

All I could think about is why this had to happen to us! I wanted to go back to a few months ago when I knew none of this - when I was still naive and didn't know something like this could happen to ME. We hear of these horrible things happening, but never do we think we'll fall into that small 1-2% of women it happens to. Then, when it does, we have no idea what the hell happened. How did our worlds get shattered in mere seconds? How are we supposed to make it, knowing we have lost our baby.

I don't know the answers to any of those questions, and I don't know that I ever will. I know I'll be OK. I reminded of this fact everytime I see a mother who has lost a child. I watch her still thrive, and I see she's not withering away like some of us thought we would at one point.

We were at the movies this morning. I had taken Aiden and we met up with my gf who had lost her son at 37wks. Just being around her makes me feel more "normal". Anyway, while we were there, I saw a girl. Someone we had gone to highschool with. She's maybe 2-3yrs older than us and has three little girls. Her first daughter was born a year before Aiden. Her second daughter...well, she's in Heaven. She had Trisomy 18 and lived for 45min after birth - 45min. and then they said goodbye. She went on to have another little girl, and as I watched her with her two daughters, It gave me hope.
She has no idea that we lost Cameron, but I looked at her and wanted to tell her "I know how you feel." Because I know that little angel is always in her heart and always in her thoughts, as Cameron is in mine.

To think that us 3 women were in the same theater. It makes you realize that it happens more often than you think. I didn't know anyone else in there, but who's to say there weren't more us of there. Ugh, "more of us" - it makes it sound like we're of some foreign race or something.

I know I'll get through this day, just as I have the many other days that have came upon me. I just hate them. I hate the feeling it brings inside me - it's just so unfair.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I Remember...

I always go back to so many important dates in the past 2 months. I replay the evening my water broke - the day our world turned upside down.

I remember the Dr. coming in and saying, "Well the baby looks great..." as if everything were OK. Then he says, "The problem is, your fluid is almost completely gone." He showed no emotion in his voice. He was so cold about it and I couldn't believe how he came in as if everything were fine, only to deliver that horrible news to me. I knew it had happened - I could see it on the ultrasound - But to hear it come from his mouth...that was hard. The OB Dr. then came in. He was much sweeter, much more soft-spoken.

Still, he gave us the choice that no mother should ever have to make. I remember him telling me they could induce labor.
I was fine, Cameron was fine, and yet he was asking ME to stop my babies heart. No way could I ever do such a thing. I remember the moment I made the decision to keep going. For Cameron...

I replay the evening we went to the hospital on July 30. I wasn't too worried, and assumed we would be back home again the next day, as it happened before. I remember lying there on the bed as the nurse brought in the u/s machine because she couldn't find Cam's heartbeat. The feeling I had running through me when I saw him there, his little heart fluttering away, is indescribable. I was so relieved and happy, but there was a sadness. I knew deep down something was wrong.

My instincts throughout the entire pregnancy had been amazingly strong. From the moment Cam was conceived, I had a feeling something wasn't right. I thought I was just being over paranoid, but I knew better than that...I just tried ignoring it.

Knowing that my instincts were strong scared me that night.

I remember being woke up at 2:30am to check his heart. It was a beautiful sound to remember before I fell asleep. I woke up at 6:30, knowing they would be in to check his heart again in 30 min. Chev got up and got ready to leave for work. He walked out the door, but I thought nothing of it.
Once again, she couldn't find his heartbeat. This time, my heart started racing a bit faster. She went and got the charge nurse and had her check - nothing. I knew something was wrong then. They got the u/s machine...

Myself, the OB, and my nurse sat there in silence. You could have heard a pin drop. I held my breath as she put the wand on my belly. I didn't look at the screen at first. I scanned the Dr's face and then quickly looked at the nurse to see her face. The Dr. adjusted her glasses and moved the wand a bit more. I looked at the nurse again....she raised her hand to her mouth. I knew. I finally looked at the screen. Everything was so still. Not the slightest of movement from my baby boy. I searched frantically for movement in his chest, but there was nothing.

I remember a feeling of immense grief come over me in that second. I almost forgot to take a breath. Then, when I finally did, I couldn't stop. I went into full panic mode and thought I would start hyperventilating. All I could say was, "Oh God!!!"
I don't remember much after that. I was in shock. I was making the call to Chev and to my mom. To tell them Cameron was gone. I held it together well over the phone and didn't cry much the rest of the afternoon.
I knew what was to happen.

I remember them coming in to give me the medicine to start labor. I didn't want it. I didn't want my body to let go of him. There was such sadness in me when they administered the medicine. I just felt numb...

I remember when it was time. I broke down then because I knew he was coming. I didn't have a choice at that point. It's like being on a roller coaster. You get up to the very top, just before you drop, and you want to get off but you know you can't. You can't go back. It's a scary, panic-stricken feeling.

I remember when he was born. My sweet angel. I held him and just stared at him. He was so little, but so perfect. I remember his little hand being under his cheek, with the other one resting on his heart. It was beautiful. I didn't cry. I felt a great sense of peace holding him in my arms. I have no doubt in my mind that that peace came from a holier being. It was like I had angels there with me, comforting me as I held my forever sleeping son.

I remember that first night. How awful that was. It was sinking in and I hated it. I felt so empty inside and so alone. I wanted Cameron with me! I knew he was just down the hall, in the nursery, but I wanted him back inside me and for him to be fine like he was just a month before! It's a feeling that no one could understand....unless they've lost a baby.

I don't remember much about the days after. I was in a fog. I remember taking a nap on the couch. I woke up, and I was holding my belly. I cracked my eyes and wondered if everything had been a dream. Then, I opened my eyes and looked over at the table and saw the bag that had all of Cameron's things in it. I closed my eyes again and just laid there.

I remember the bittersweet feeling I had when we picked up his tiny urn from the funeral home. I was so happy to have Cameron back, but was heartbroken that I was bringing him home that way.

And I remember each day that passes. I will remember yesterday as another day without my baby, and that's how it'll always be.

I'm glad I get to remember, because I never want to forget a single thing about him. It's just hard when the memories are so sad.

I so look forward to the day when we bring home Aiden and Cameron's little brother or sister. I will look at that baby as a gift from my sweet angel, and as a promise that life is still beautiful even when things have seemed to turn so ugly.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

A bottle of comfort

So I'm sitting here with a half bottle of wine at my side, and I don't even stop for a second to think that's an unusual thing. Not that I am taking up drinking to drown my sorrows, but the look of it is not odd to me.

It's like something out of a movie. A grieving mother, sitting there with her bottle of wine as she pours her thoughts out to God knows how many strangers online. I can see it now! wait, I'm actually living it. Fantastic.

September 11th is almost over. It's been a horrible day as everyone in this nation can imagine! For me, it's double the pain, because today I would have been 25wks pregnant. Today is exactly 6wk since Cameron was born and left us to be with Jesus. Today is exactly 9wks since this entire nightmare began. Thursdays are just all kinds of bad for me!
And what do you birthday is on a Thursday. Exactly 2 weeks from Christmas - the day our little boy was to be born. Our birthdays and his due date with always fall on the same day of the week.

I don't know how Christmas will be this year, but I am going to try my hardest to make it wonderful. To do our own special little thing for Cameron and for our family. I don't want this to be ruined...I want it to be a celebration! A celebration of the time I had with Cameron and how he touched so many people's lives and what an impact he had on mine!

Well these are my mini-thoughts as we pass another September 11 -

Me and my bottle are going out on the couch...goodnight.

Just as I thought

The appointment went as good as it could have. I mean, I would have rather been going in for my regular checkup to hear Cameron's heartbeat and to have my belly measured, but under the circumstances it went well.

When I got there, I started with the anxiety crap again. They made me sit out in the room, (which was FULL by the way) for a good 20min before seeing me. The woman at the front desk came to the window and asked how I was doing. She remembered me from when I was in and out of there so much for ultrasounds. I told her I was OK, and after that I had to fight the tears a few times.
I got the anxiety under control by closing my eyes and just breathing...I held my necklace (the one with Cam's name on it) so tight in my hands I had nail marks on my palms.

Finally they called me back and I saw my midwife. We went over some things, and like I predicted, we'll never know what happened. I asked her about the placenta and she brought the report back.

The measurements were fine, the thickness was fine...everything was fine. It did say the fluid was a yellow/opaque color, but there was no infection found. She asked if Cameron had had a bowel movement while still inside me, and I told her not that I knew of. She said the color could have indicated he was in distress, but we don't know.

The Dr.'s diagnosis at the top of the paper was infection, but like my midwife said - there was never an infection found, so I was a little confused at that. I'm assuming he just had to put something there(?). I don't know why he couldn't have just put "unknown", but then again, I'm not a Doctor.

They did find that the umbilical cord did not attach all the way to the placenta. She said this is a normal abnormal and there is usually no cause for concern. The vessels that are inside the actual cord were attached, and that's really all that matters, but the stalk itself stopped just before the placenta.

So, as I predicted, we really don't know what caused his heart to just stop. Infection would make sense to me since the fluid's color was yellow. When my water first broke, it was clear. By time the 1st week had passed, I was having yellow discharge. But, since no infection was found...I really have no idea, and I need to accept that.

She told me that she usually recommends 2-3 months before TTC, but if we feel we're ready before then, then we have the green light. She said the waiting is usually just to make sure you're past the hardest grieving stage, and are emotionally ready to take on another pregnancy.

So, I'll bring it up to Chev tonight and see what he thinks, and if he's OK with it, we should be able to start trying next week ...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

First Dr. appointment...

My first Dr. appointment since Cameron left us is tomorrow...

I'm anxious to have my questioned answered, but there's a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can't explain it, but it makes me half sick.. I think just the thought of going in there is screwing with me.

Every other time I had been in there, I had a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby growing inside me.
Now I'm going in there with an empty belly and only memories of my baby boy. Heavy, aching arms and a broken heart. What woman should walk into a place like that feeling that way?

I scheduled my appointment early in the morning to avoid masses of pregnant women and newborns. They're usually not too busy in the morning, but you never know. Part of me wishes they could just zip me back into my room, but I don't want to feel like a total outcast.

Be back tomorrow afternoon with the update...

Monday, September 8, 2008

Nothing makes sense

You know what I hate most about all of this? Besides that fact that it even had to happen? The fact that I can't make a damn bit of sense out of any of it! That's the hardest part for me about this entire process! I think and think and only get more and more pissed off.

I was staring at Cameron's picture a few minutes ago. Running my fingers over it, analyzing his perfect little face. What the hell did he do to deserve this?! He was so innocent in all of this, and he had to die. I looked at his cute pouty lips and remembered the time at my 13wk u/s when we saw him in there smacking his lips together - almost like he was chewing on something. It was so cute!
Then I come back to the picture...his tiny mouth never opened...never drew in a single breath of air. He was so adorable and so perfect in every single way!

I miss him so much. I think about how big my belly would be right now and how much I would be feeling him move around inside me! It bothers me that Chev never got to feel him move. Cameron was always so active at night, when Chev was at work. I love that I got to have him with me long enough to feel him kicking though - I am grateful for that. I just hate that I can't feel it anymore.

I hate the fact that I have to start all over. I would be 25wks this Thursday. Now, we're starting from scratch with an entirely different little soul.
Like I said, it's going to be hard, and I'm sure it's going to hurt at times, but I can't wait to have that little life inside me again - to feel the kicks, the movements, to know that we can bring another blessing into this world.
I don't think it would matter if we waited to get pregnant again. The fact is, is that the last time I WAS pregnant, it was Cameron inside of me. He's the last thing I knew about being pregnant, and whether we wait 1 month or 2 years, I'm not just going to forget that.

I just pray it doesn't take us long. It only took us 3 months to get pregnant with Cameron, so I'm not anticipating anything to stop us, but you just never know. I just wish I could see into the future and know that our next baby is going to be just fine...

Trying again...

Well, as you all know, we have been toying with the thought of TTC again. We weren't sure when we would start trying, but initially thought November.

Being a mother who has lost her baby, I have that emptiness inside me. The emptiness that needs to be filled now.
I got my first cycle this month, and am thinking that if my midwife thinks its OK, we will be trying for a June 2009 baby.

I really believe I'm ready, and it's the only thought in my head that makes me somewhat happy when I'm having a down moment. I am now past those feelings of utter guilt. I know Cameron wouldn't want me longing for another baby forever, and I know he would want Aiden to have a little brother or sister here on Earth with him. Aiden so wants me to have another baby!

I'm nervous, but that's expected. I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy my next pregnancy, but I'm not sure how that's going to go. When I was pregnant with Aiden, I was so care free. I thought that after 13wks. I didn't have anything to worry about. And my pregnancy went on without a single glitch.
Now, I'm 4yrs older and I know the dangers. I'm completely aware of what can happen! I've seen it happen to my close friend who lost her son at 37wks. to some freak occurrence

...and I've lived it myself.

I ask myself how I'm supposed to enjoy pregnancy after this. I know Cameron will be watching over me and I'll make sure to ask him to keep an extra eye on his little brother/sister. I'm going to try my hardest to enjoy it and remember that each baby is a true blessing! I won't be able to breath easy until that baby is born - alive and in my arms! I can't imagine how I'm going to feel or how special that moment is going to be to my family!!

Friday, September 5, 2008

The beauty in life...

Fall is fast approaching and honestly, it's somewhat of a relief. I don't know that Summer will ever be the same for me again.
I'm looking forward to Fall though! It's such a beautiful and peaceful time of year and I know it will reflect Cameron more than ever!

The days are getting better now, but my heart still aches - as I'm sure it always will. I miss him so much and everyday is just another day without my little boy.
I don't know if this pain will ever go away, but I'm living proof that it does get better. I'm living with Cameron's death in the only way I know how - to just let the pain come. To let my heart hurt how it needs to in order for it to try and heal itself.
There will always be a part of my heart missing, but I know Cameron has that missing piece and he always will. He'll hold it dear until we meet again one day.

The love between a mother and son is indescribable, and the loss of a son is just the same. I can't describe the pain to anyone. It just hurts insanely bad - that's all I can say.
It doesn't make sense to lose a child because it's not the "order of life". No child should die before their parent and no child should die before ever taking their first breath.
Having said that, I will never stop trying to find the beauty in this. In this moment, it is so awful and ugly, but one day I hope to wake up and see the "beautiful" reason behind it.

Cameron's death has already shown me so much! I pay more attention to the world around me - the beautiful things it has to offer. Every flower, every bird, butterfly or animal I pass, I take notice to! The ripples in the water, the leaves as they fall from the trees - it all catches my eye!

I think that all has a lot to do with my decision to pursue photography! Like I've said, I've always been interested in it and It has always fascinated me, but only recently have I been able to look at things and see them so beautifully.
I want to capture these things so they will forever be locked in time. So that I can forever remember this gift my angel has given me! I will think of it as my gift back to him and my gift to others - To give them the ability to see things the way I see them now!

So often we take so much for granted. I can't thank God enough for letting me live to experience these things. Things I took for granted - things I never paid much mind to until I lost my sweet baby boy. I'm sad that it took Cameron's passing to make me realize this. But, I will always cherish him and what he has shown me!

...I just wish there was a way to bring him back and promise that I would never take these little things around me for granted anymore.