Thursday, June 11, 2009

Better Days

I can honestly say that in the days following the shower, I've been feeling a bit better. Almost like I'm slowly, but surely inching back to the "old" me. Then again, I don't know if I'll ever be that person again, because as I've said before, I'm forever changed. So, I suppose it's more of an altered version of the old me.

I feel like I can genuinely smile again, and laugh the way I used to. God knows I thought it would never happen, and even now - almost a year later - I'm still not 100% there. But, will any of us who have lost our babies, ever be 100% again? What exactly is 100% anyway? The more I think about it, the more I'm not so sure that any of us will ever reach that point. Beacuse, I'm sure 10yrs from now, there are still going to be points where I will cry for my sweet baby boy. Just as I do now, and just as I did on the day his tiny heart stopped beating. That doesn't mean I'm forever broken, or that my life will always be clouded by sadness - it's just me missing Cameron and forever wondering what could have been.

I don't think those feelings and thoughts will ever go away, but that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy life once again. Besides, I know my darling wouldn't want me to live any other way.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Yesterday was a little bittersweet for me. It was my baby shower and also Cam's 10 month mark. I randomly broke down while on my way to get some stuff done before the shower. And when I say random, I MEAN random!! I've broken down out of nowhere before, but they were slow gradual tears. This time I was full out bawling in .2 seconds - literally, out of nowhere, when I had just been rocking out to my favorite song, 2 seconds prior.

I'm not even sure what brought it on or why exactly it happened. It was over almost as fast as it had come. Then, I was fine again. I'm going to go ahead and blame most of it on the pregnancy horomones I suppose.

I thought about Cameron a lot through out the day, and even at my shower. There were so many times I was opening gifts, holding them up, while everyone let out their "Aww's" and "How cute!", that I thought of how Cameron never got that. We never got to have a shower for him. It was just a weird feeling.

But, I had no doubt in my mind that he was smiling over us, happy as can be that his little sister was being shown just as much love as he is!