So long ago

I think it's finally starting to hit me that Cameron's been gone this long. Before, it seemed as if we had just lost him weeks ago.

I look at his u/s picture, and now it really does feel like forever. I don't know if it's because Allie's here and she's growing so fast, or what, but I do know that something has changed.

Do I like it? Not really. While thinking of him only being gone for weeks was hard, the realization that he's been gone for over a year, kills.

This past Thanksgiving was the last of the "firsts" for us. This Christmas would have been Cameron's 2nd...but now it will be Allie's 1st.

I'm glad to be done with all of the "firsts", but having it go on to the seconds, is making this harder even yet. It just makes me think of everything Cam is missing and what he'll only continue to miss...

forever love

My love

When will this reality fully hit me? When will I stop being shocked at the fact that you're not with us? I think about you all of the time, and am happy when doing so, but then that horrid thought hits me - it hits me like it did the minute I found out you were gone. Why does this still happen a year later? I know you're gone. I've known that for over 15 months now, but why can't my mind and heart fully grasp that?

I stare at your sister and then I raise my eyes and I'm met with the sight of your urn sitting in front of me. I have a baby in my arms - a baby that should be you. It's all so complicated in my head. I'm not sure any part of me will ever truly "get" this. How does a mother differentiate between the conflicting feelings that engulf her heart as she holds her rainbow baby, but thinks so longingly of her precious angel.

I close my eyes and I can see you. I trace every part of your body with my eyes - never forgetting any single part of it. Oh sweetheart, if you only knew how much love my heart has for you. How much I miss you. How much I wish I could be planning your first birthday. This kills me...

I've come to the conclusion that my tears for you will never end. They stop on occasion, but they will never, ever be gone. I think lovingly of you, and I smile, but even so, my eyes never stay dry for long. What am I supposed to do with myself without you Cameron?

I hate living with a piece of my heart missing. How can anyone enjoy life fully like that? I live though - I live for Daddy, for Aiden, and for Allie. If it weren't for them, I don't think I'd be here right now. They keep me here, even when there are days that I so wish I could be with you. They need me... and I've learned more than ever, that I need them too.

I just want to see your face. Just one more time before the long wait I have until I'm with you. I think that's what makes this so hard. If there were a way for me to check in on you - to see your beautiful face - I could handle this. I'm your mother. I'm protective. It tears me apart inside to know that I can't be there for you!!

I love you.