Wednesday, December 15, 2010

So, it's been awhile...

I apologize. Life has been hectic, and I suppose as this wound somewhat heals over time, I don't "need" my blog as much as I used to. It was my crutch a lot of the time.

I guess I just sort of put it in the back of my mind.

Cameron, however, is still alive as ever in my heart and mind! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my sweet little boy! I don't cry near as much, but there are those times where it still hits me and I shed quite a few tears, in the office, by myself, holding his picture to my chest.

We're getting there though! People still bring him up, and friends let us know that they think about him/us all of the time. That means the world to me! I've always been so afraid that people will forget him because they never got the chance to truly meet him. None of us did. That's why I do the things I do for him. It's my job, as his mommy, to keep his memory alive.

There are still times where I'll mention something about him - whether it's his initials or something else - and even members of my own family, say, "Huh?". THEN it clicks. It KILLS me, but I can't be upset with them. I just say his name, very matter-of-fact like, and go on with what I was talking about.

The holidays are always a little harder. Christmas is his special day. I think about him being 2 this year, opening his presents, and seeing the excitement in his little eyes. All I can do is imagine though. But, if imagination is all I have left to "see" him in my life, then I'll take it! I'll picture him sliding down the stairs on his little butt (the way Allie does), and running to the tree (the way I'm sure Allie will), and just staring in amazement, not sure which present to rip at first! I'll picture him sitting there, admiring his new toys next to his brother and sister, and I'll smile while doing so <3

2 comments:

JenJen said...

I probably don't write as much as I used to on Lily's blog but I do still write occasionally...although, I've never looked at her blog as a "crutch" but more of a cathartic release. I do like to be there though to help new blms. I kinda feel like the old kid on the block with 28 months almost under my belt!

I hope Christmas is a peaceful and joyful time for you. I know Cameron will be having a wonderful Christmas party with Lily, Ada, and all of his other buddies! ((hugs))

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