Thursday, June 11, 2009

Better Days

I can honestly say that in the days following the shower, I've been feeling a bit better. Almost like I'm slowly, but surely inching back to the "old" me. Then again, I don't know if I'll ever be that person again, because as I've said before, I'm forever changed. So, I suppose it's more of an altered version of the old me.

I feel like I can genuinely smile again, and laugh the way I used to. God knows I thought it would never happen, and even now - almost a year later - I'm still not 100% there. But, will any of us who have lost our babies, ever be 100% again? What exactly is 100% anyway? The more I think about it, the more I'm not so sure that any of us will ever reach that point. Beacuse, I'm sure 10yrs from now, there are still going to be points where I will cry for my sweet baby boy. Just as I do now, and just as I did on the day his tiny heart stopped beating. That doesn't mean I'm forever broken, or that my life will always be clouded by sadness - it's just me missing Cameron and forever wondering what could have been.

I don't think those feelings and thoughts will ever go away, but that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy life once again. Besides, I know my darling wouldn't want me to live any other way.

3 comments:

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better and back to yourself. I agree that we will still shed tears ten years from now and beyond, but happiness in the midst of it is great.

JenJen said...

Yeah, I'm shooting to be just 75% happy again. My heart will never be whole again.

I know we all feel a new and different happy with all of our rainbow babies, and this part does feel good because it gives us hope again.

MendedHeart said...

Hang in there Mate. Hugs and more hugs. :)