This crazy, beautiful thing

When do we get to a point to where we stop beating ourselves up over what happened to our babies? Does it ever go away?

I just can't help but look at Allie - to see how happy she is when I hold her, how content she is - and think that Cameron never got to feel that happiness. I see her smile when I talk to her and coo when Aiden is talking to her. It sends a feeling of immense happiness through me, but at the same time, my mind will go straight to Cameron.

Why did my body fail him? He depended on me to get him here safe and sound and I couldn't do that. Why?? My body didn't fail my other two children, so why did it have to fail him? Why did he get dealt that card?

There's a little song I sang to Allie when I was pregnant with her, and that I now sing to her as she's lying quietly in my arms, drifting off to sleep. The other day, I was singing to her and the tears just started flowing. I looked down at her and her little head was drenched with my tears. Part of it was out of sheer joy. I couldn't begin to explain the feelings that go through me when I look at her - when it's just Allie and mommy time at night, before she falls asleep.
The other part is just pure sadness. This lullaby will always be hers and only hers, but I think of Cameron too when I sing to her.

What if I still cry 4yrs down the road when I'm singing her to sleep at night. Is she going to understand why mommy is crying during HER song? Aiden understands all too well, but he was here through all of it. I've never cried so much in my entire life as I have this past year, and he's been there for every second of it.

In a way, it's almost as if Cameron and Allie are intertwined. Does that make sense? I suppose it just boils down to the fact that she wouldn't be here had he not passed away. Everything she will ever do, I will always stop and think of that. She would not be doing any of it, had her big brother survived. How does one process that?!
Even with those thoughts in the back of my mind, I will never let them overshadow my happiness for her, and the excitement of her milestones in life.

It's a crazy, beautiful thing to have a baby after the loss of another. It's something that no one will EVER understand unless they have gone through the process themselves.



I don't know if any of you have ever heard of Kari Jobe, but her song, "My Beloved" is the one I sing to Allie. It's absolutely beautiful!

You're My Beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with Me My love

You're Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me

Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you
My child

You're Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me

I sing over you My song of peace
Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me

I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I'll take you to My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole

You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

Amazing!

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I need to!

I HAVE THEE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE!

They have been there for me so much this past year, and I couldn't thank them enough! Not only was Cameron's memorial absolutely beautiful here with us, but we had people from all over the United States, and even half way across the world who thought of Cameron on his birthday. Cameron had balloons released for him in Texas, Florida, Alabama, Michigan, Arizona, North Carolina, Ohio, Rhode Island, Iowa, and in Germany, New Zealand and Brazil!

One of the girls from my board (that I've been with since gosh....I want to say January of 2008) collected all of the pictures from everyone who had sent up balloons and made me an amazingly beautiful scrapbook for Cameron's first birthday! I cried my eyes out when I opened the package and saw that little blue book with tiny baby feet with a little feather behind them, and his name on the front. It was just amazing!!

It means more to me than any of those girls will EVER know. Mostly because I never thought I would have a scrapbook for Cameron. We obviously have them for our children that are here, but how can we make one for the one's who aren't? After receiving that book, I realized that just because Cameron isn't here, doesn't mean I can't put together something like that. I have pictures from my pregnancy, from the hospital, from his memorial, from The Walk To Remember, pictures of all of his stuff. I can make one and continue to add to it for as long as I live!

Here are some picture from Cam's Birthday here and from the scrapbook the girls made me! Just click on them to make them bigger if need be!

Aiden making cupcakes for Cameron

He did such a good job!

Releasing the butterflies and balloons. If you look close, you can see the butterfly that landed on my hand. The picture below this was when 2 of them landed on my hand about 30 seconds later. :)

My mom and I having a moment

The scrapbook that Tiffany made me!

Beautiful

Dear Cameron,

I know I'm a few days late on this, but in all honesty, I couldn't put into words what I was feeling on your birthday. My heart hurt and my mind was thoughtless.

I love you and miss you more than words could possibly say. Where did this time go, and why is it that you've been gone so long already? It feels like it was just months ago that you passed, and that our world fell apart. But it's a year later, and for some reason I can't grasp that. I think about you everyday, and not a single week goes by that I don't shed a tear over you, my sweet angel.

You got your little sister here safe and sound and, for that, I will never be able to thank you enough. I look at her and wonder what parts of you she has. What features she possesses that you would have too. I watch her look around in amazement and smile, and I wonder if she knows. If she knows how special she is, and what an important role she plays in our lives. All because of you, love. Without your passing, she wouldn't be here. You gave the ultimate sacrifice darling. You're more amazing than you'll ever know.

I saw the letter that daddy wrote you and it tore me apart. He loves you so much baby! We all do! I know he doesn't express things the way I do, but I know you can see inside his heart, and you can see and feel the love he has for you. He misses you just as I do.

Then there's Aiden. He talks about you all the time. Never failing to let people know that he's got a little brother in Heaven. He always asking about you. Asking questions that I may never know the answer to. It's hard, but I do the best I can.

Your birthday was beautiful! The butterflies and balloons were amazing, and I'm so glad that your little sister was able to share it all with us. She doesn't know yet, but one day she will be able to look at those pictures and realize how beautiful the day was and how special it was to have her there. We were all one big family that day! Even though you couldn't be there with us, I felt you all around. In that moment, for the first time in a year, I felt as if our family was complete. With the balloons flying high and the butterflies fluttering all around us, I felt as if we were in a whole different world. I felt you completely.

So thank you Cameron. Thank you for more than you'll ever know. For everything you've shown me and given us this past year. For making me realize things I never would have otherwise. For showing me the true beauty in life - even when, at times, everything seems so dark and ugly. You're the most amazing baby boy! Please continue to watch over us, and keep us safe.

Until we meet again sweet pea...

We love you!!