Tuesday, August 18, 2009

This crazy, beautiful thing

When do we get to a point to where we stop beating ourselves up over what happened to our babies? Does it ever go away?

I just can't help but look at Allie - to see how happy she is when I hold her, how content she is - and think that Cameron never got to feel that happiness. I see her smile when I talk to her and coo when Aiden is talking to her. It sends a feeling of immense happiness through me, but at the same time, my mind will go straight to Cameron.

Why did my body fail him? He depended on me to get him here safe and sound and I couldn't do that. Why?? My body didn't fail my other two children, so why did it have to fail him? Why did he get dealt that card?

There's a little song I sang to Allie when I was pregnant with her, and that I now sing to her as she's lying quietly in my arms, drifting off to sleep. The other day, I was singing to her and the tears just started flowing. I looked down at her and her little head was drenched with my tears. Part of it was out of sheer joy. I couldn't begin to explain the feelings that go through me when I look at her - when it's just Allie and mommy time at night, before she falls asleep.
The other part is just pure sadness. This lullaby will always be hers and only hers, but I think of Cameron too when I sing to her.

What if I still cry 4yrs down the road when I'm singing her to sleep at night. Is she going to understand why mommy is crying during HER song? Aiden understands all too well, but he was here through all of it. I've never cried so much in my entire life as I have this past year, and he's been there for every second of it.

In a way, it's almost as if Cameron and Allie are intertwined. Does that make sense? I suppose it just boils down to the fact that she wouldn't be here had he not passed away. Everything she will ever do, I will always stop and think of that. She would not be doing any of it, had her big brother survived. How does one process that?!
Even with those thoughts in the back of my mind, I will never let them overshadow my happiness for her, and the excitement of her milestones in life.

It's a crazy, beautiful thing to have a baby after the loss of another. It's something that no one will EVER understand unless they have gone through the process themselves.

I don't know if any of you have ever heard of Kari Jobe, but her song, "My Beloved" is the one I sing to Allie. It's absolutely beautiful!

You're My Beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with Me My love

You're Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me

Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you
My child

You're Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me

I sing over you My song of peace
Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me

I'll breathe My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I'll take you to My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole

You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

1 comment:

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

Hollie, that is all so normal. I really struggled with all of that in the beginning. Gunner brought me a joy so deep and full that I could never imagine, then I would feel guilty for missing Tyler at the same time. Someone described it as the duality of life. It takes awhile to process but you will get to a point where you are able to love and grieve at the same time.