Monday, January 4, 2010

A long time coming...

Some strange feeling as come over me in the last week or so. I feel horribly guilty for it, but at the same time, there's a sense of freedom attached to it. I use the term "freedom" lightly here because I don't want to make it seem as if I'm wanting to "free" myself of Cameron. I never could, nor would I ever want to.

I just want to free myself of the heartache and pain that has engulfed me in the past year.

I was sitting at the dining room table, Aiden was playing the Wii, Chev was in the kitchen, and Allie was sleeping on the couch. I looked at Cameron's picture and urn on the entertainment stand. It hit me then - THIS is my family. And I'm happy with it.

I love Cameron just as much as I love Aiden and Allie - that's no secret - and, as I check on Aiden and Allie before I got to sleep, that feeling hits me again. I'm happy. I'm truly happy for the fist time since losing Cameron.

Part of me feels guilty for feeling that, but it's what I've been waiting for, for so long. And I know Cameron would never want it any different. For the first time since losing Cameron, I've gone an entire week without shedding a single tear, and I must say it feels mighty good. I held back from feeling this way for a long time, because somewhere in my mind, not hurting and not crying meant I didn't miss him, or that I didn't care anymore.

I've always said you never "get over" or "move on" from what happened. You just learn to live with it - and I think that's what I'm starting to do. I'm learning to see my family as being whole. Why shouldn't I? Yes, one of my children isn't here, but that doesn't mean he's not in my heart. It's taken me a year and half to do this. I'm sure I will have relapses, but that's normal. My heart will still ache from time to time, and I know I'll cry once in awhile. All normal.

I deserve to have a real smile on my face, and my children deserve to see their mother laugh whole-hearted once again.


Kristin said...

I have followed your blog for quite some time. I wanted you to know that your post brought tears to my eyes. I could just picture you checking in on Aiden and Allie with a full heart. I bet Cameron is right there with you every time.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I'm happy to read this. I understand the guilty feelings when another day passes without tears shed, but you are right that you deserve to feel happy.

Malory said...

You have given me hope on the day I needed to read this the most, thank u.