Friday, July 30, 2010

Two years...

I remember this day like it was yesterday.

Except it wasn't - it was two years ago. Two years that have gone by too fast. (I still sleep with that green blanket every night!)

Things are getting easier as each month passes, and as tomorrow comes, I find myself a little anxious, and with that ever too familiar feeling of being on the verge of tears. However, it's a little different this year. There's a little bit more peace within me. I think that's what everyone means when they say that time will make things easier. Every year that passes, takes a little bit of the sting away. I know our hearts will never fully mend, but they will heal more and more as time goes by.

I look at my life now, and as much as I hate what happened to us, I can't imagine what we'd be life had we not lost Cameron.  It's changed me as a person - my view on view on everything around me really. It's changed our family. It's part of who we are. I never thought I'd be a mother to an angel child, but I am, and I've accepted that.

Do I often wonder what it would be like if he was here? Of course. And sometimes, I'll even look at Allie and think of her as Cameron. But then I look at her as her and I couldn't imagine that little stinker not being here with us. She's here for a reason - God knows it and Cameron knows it, and maybe one day I'll see it -But, for now, I don't think about the reasons. I just see my beautiful family and am thankful for everything we do have. Cameron blessed us with Allie to shine some light back into our family, and boy how brightly it shines!! I can't thank him enough for looking after each of us, and taking care of us.

My sweet little Cameron,

I miss you so much. There's really not much more to say, is there? Tomorrow is your 2nd birthday, but you're not hear to celebrate with us. But trust me, sweet pea, we will celebrate you! The little life you had, the amazing strength you showed, and the way you taught me to live again. We'll celebrate it all, but more than anything, we're just going to celebrate sweet little you.I think about you constantly - wondering what our lives would be like if you were here.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I know you didn't get to be here for so long, but I would rather have just a single second with you, than not have you in my life at all. I wish you were here with us, in person, but I'm just thankful we get to have you in our hearts - forever and always. We wouldn't be the same without you. We're a special kind of family now. And that's OK! I'm blessed to have my three children, and even though I don't have you here with me, I'm lucky that I have you to watch over us. I'm lucky that you're around us all of the time, and I know I can talk to you whenever I miss you - be it 3am or in the middle of the day when I'm driving down the highway. You're always there.

Please let tomorrow be as easy on us as possible. Shine that light of yours on us just a little brighter than you usally do! Smile, play, and know that we love you so very much little man!! We'll be sending lots of balloons your way!


Mrs. Mother said...

Thinking of you and Cameron today. Big hugs.a

Beth said...

What a loved little boy! Oh Cameron, you are so missed.

As awful as it has been, I'm so glad I've had you on this journey with me. We lost Ada and Cameron 15 days apart, and we had our rainbow baby girls less than a week apart. It seems like we are both going through similar emotions at the same time, and I'm so thankful for someone who understands what I've gone through. Like you, I am much more at peace with things now, and like you I am a changed person forever.

I thought about you guys this morning when we were at the beach. I overheard a little two-year-old girl say to her grandmother, "Whose birthday is it today?" The grandmother had no idea what the girl was talking about, and they decided together that it must be somebody's birthday today. I smiled inside thinking about Cameron and my grandmother whose birthday would have been today. I just thought you might appreciate that story. :)

Hollie said...


That gave me goosebumps!! What a great story! Thank you for sharing!!

I too am thankful to have you here! It's definitely something that no one wants to be a part of, but it makes it "easier" to have other people, right there with you, knowing exactly what you're going through!!

I can't wait for our get together!! It would be very, very cool to get E and Allie together! I would love to have a picture of them!