Thursday, July 2, 2009

I'm scared.

...well that's actually an understatement. I'm terrified to be honest. Terrified of what emotions this month will bring, and how I will handle them. I've already broken down twice in the past week, and we still have 8 more days until we hit the day that our nightmare started, one year ago. We've got 29 days until Cameron's angelversary.

It's just so hard to believe that it's almost been a year! Where did the time go?! One year without him. One year since his little heart stopped. One year that he went to be with our Lord.

I can sit here and imagine his day. All of us sitting around, celebrating his short life. Smiling, while we eat his birthday cake, and as we release those balloons for him. But what if it's not like that? What if I'm a mess? What if I can't smile at all that day? I want to - God do I want to - but, how will I feel if that's not how things go?

I'm not sure if I'm more nervous about the days leading up to the 31st or about the day itself. I've always heard that the days leading up are the hardest. How can that be? I wonder if it's anxiety. I have OB's every week this month. One being on the 8th and another on the 31st. I was going to tell them to change it, but my OB is booked like crazy, so I didn't bother. Plus, maybe it will help me some. To go in and to hear Allie's heartbeat. To be reminded of this beautiful gift that our little boy has given us, and to be reminded that life really can continue to be beautiful - even after something so tragic happens.

I've been on edge lately too, which I hate! I feel like Aiden and I do nothing but argue! I'm getting into yelling matches with a 4 year old for crying out loud! I feel awful, but between the pregnancy, it being July, and Aiden acting up like a typical 4yr old, it's just a lot to deal with right now.


Mrs. Mother said...

Big hugs to you. I know how you feel. Our nightmare started July 9 last year, and I'm scared of getting there, too. We'll get through it somehow.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I think the anticipation of everything is so tough to deal with. If you can't smile on that day, don't be too hard on yourself. You miss your sweet Cameron and these feelings and emotions are real and normal. I know now would be the perfect time to just be "happy" but we can't dictate when grief will hit us the worst. Can you tell I've been talking to a counselor?! I will be thinking of you this month.