Wednesday, March 10, 2010

As time goes by, I feel as if I'm losing touch with Cameron. In my heart I know that's not really possible, but as the days pass, and as our lives continue to move forward w/out him, it almost seems as if he's just a whisper in the wind.

I used to feel so "connected" to him. I still do, don't get me wrong, but it's not as strong as it once was. What does this mean? I have no idea. What I do know is that I love him with all of my heart, and that my heart still aches for him so very much. I think life is just really getting the best of me at times. I feel so busy, rushing around with Aiden and Allie. So busy, that at times, I will go a long while w/out thinking of Cameron. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about him, but it doesn't consume my mind like it used to. I suppose time will do that. I hate time. I wish it would just stop, but what good would that do? I'm just so afraid of going so long without him. It'll be two years this Summer. Two years....

And I still remember every bit of him. Every kick I ever felt, every time he made me almost pee my pants. I remember his tiny hands and feet. That's the funny part about this. Time goes by, and next thing I know it'll be 5 years without him, but I will never forget the little things. They're forever etched in my memory.

I'm rambling, and I probably don't make a damn bit of sense right now. It's just so hard to put into words how I've been feeling. I feel guilt. I feel anger. I feel sorrow. I feel my heart still breaking into a thousand pieces from time to time. I try to let the love and happiness I have left outshine those other things, but it takes so much out of me. It's an internal struggle that I don't know I'll ever win.

I'm so completely happy with my little family here at home, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't give up anything. Heather and I were talking the other day, and I told her that before I had Allie, I used to think that I would give up anything to have Cameron back with me. But after Allie was born, I realized that's not true. I couldn't give her up. Ever. It's that part of you that you want to say has almost come to peace with what has happened. I don't want to say I'm OK with what happened, because what parent is OK with losing a child. But, I am OK. Do you get what I mean? I told Heather she would know what I mean as soon as she holds little Ellie in her arms.

I don't know how to explain any of this right now. It's late, I'm tired, and my mind is slightly clouded.

I did want to share this though. I can't remember for the life of me where I found it, but I saved it because it makes me smile every time I read it.

2 comments:

Never forgetting Gregory said...

OMG. That quote is amazing. It makes me tear up and I just might have to steal it as well. I totally understand your feelings you posted. It is tough to see the months pass by making the gap between our babies and selves bigger. Hugs.

JenJen said...

Thank you for your comment on my last post...I so hope she visits me soon :) I think of her everytime I see a Lily and in some ways I am so glad that we gave her that name because I get to see her all around me...