Strange...

I had one of the strangest dreams last night. However, it was a very happy dream too.

I remember being in the hospital, and I was still pregnant. All of a sudden, a nurse wheels a baby into our room. Then she leaves. I turned to the Dr. and said, "This isn't my baby. There must be a mix up!" She turned to me and said, "No, that's your baby. Don't you remember?" She didn't have to say anymore.
I ran to the cart, shouted, "Oh God...Cameron!", and scooped the baby up. The Dr. just turned, smiled at me, and left the room. Chev and I were overjoyed. Even though it was just a dream, I felt the most amazing sense of happiness come over me, and I can still remember what it felt like! I can't explain it!
It was like a million years of sadness had left us in that single moment.

Then it hit me! I'm still pregnant! I turned to Chev and said, "We're going to have two after all!" and we just smiled at eachother.

The next part was the confusing part. I don't remember how it came to this, but somehow the baby wasn't Cameron anymore. It was a baby girl. I thought it was some sort of cruel joke the nurses had played on us. I was so hurt and upset. I didn't understand what it meant or why anyone would do that to us.
Then I realized that I still wanted to bring that baby home. I still felt as if she were mine.

Now, I'm a huge analyzer when it comes to dreams. I try my hardest to figure out the meaning of them. Whether it's subconscious or something spiritual. So this is my best translation of the dream (although I'm sure, to the experts, it's something much deeper *insert eye roll* lol)

The fact that I was pregnant and had a baby at the same time maybe represents the baby I'm carrying now. I've had a small feeling it's a girl for awhile now. Maybe the whole thing with the baby being Cameron in the beginning, and then turning out to be a baby girl, and her still being "mine", represents a more spiritual side of things. Like maybe this is Cameron coming back to us - just in a different way.

I don't know how much I believe in reincarnation or that someone's spirit will comes back to us, but it's something I'm open to. Only because I really don't KNOW what happens when we pass. I know we'll see those we've lost one day - I do believe that. But, there's also part of me that believe that sometimes they are sent back to us. I'm just not too sure. Like I said - I'm open to all possibilities really.

Then there's always the possibility that I'm looking into this way too much, lol. It could very well have just been some off the wall, pregnancy dream. We all know how crazy those can get. I'm just happy that I got to feel what it was like to hold Cameron, and have him look at me and smile. Like I said, the happiness that I felt inside, was absolutely indescribable. "He" had very light brown hair, beautiful porcelain skin with the most beautiful light blue eyes.

I once went to a genetic-type site for eye color. And with our family member's eye colors, and mine and Chev's eye color, our children will only have either blue or green eyes(50/50 with each). It said our first would most likely have green (Aiden has green eyes), and that our second would most likely have blues eyes. I never saw Cameron's eyes, but I always pictured him with blue eyes for some reason. :)

10wks and first OB appt.

Had my first real OB appointment today (I'll be 10wks tomorrow). Everything went well and everything looks good!

After the oh-so-fun pap (yeah right!), we headed over to the portable u/s room, where I got to see our little munchkin. He/she was just hanging out, heart just beating away!

Unfortunately the other baby did not develop a heart beat. In fact, it was no longer even there. The Dr. said it's very likely that our baby with the hb was much stronger than the other and "stole" things away from the other one. It seems wrong and cruel, but...well...I suppose it's just natures way. My body did what it was supposed to do and absorbed the other one. It kind of makes you wonder how often something like that really happens, because most women don't get an ultrasound that early.

It's sad, but I'm SOOO thankful and happy to have atleast one healthy little one in there!

My OB told me that I could have a u/s everytime I come in for an appointment. Not a great u/s, but one with the portable u/s machine! As long as I can see the little squirt, I don't care what kind of u/s it is! He's obviously doing this for me to keep my mind at ease. He's a great guy!

Oh and my doppler came yesterday! I decided to buy one for my own peace of mind. I was surprised I was able to pick it up alreadngy!! It's so much fun and it's so comforting to know that I can check on him/her whenever I want. It's hard because you never know what's going on inside there, and if I can just get somewhat of an idea, it makes me feel a bit better.

Special dinner

The chaplain (who is the chaplain at Chev's work)who did Cameron's memorial service has invited Chev and I to a dinner on the 24th.

It's a dinner for all of those at Chev's work who have lost children. Him and his wife lost their 18yr old son in a car accident a few years back. Another couple lost their 20-something yr. old son to suicide. Then there are the parents of the 2yr old little girl who lost her battle with cancer last year. Also, friends of ours who lost their son Travis at 24wks, due to PPROM - same thing that happened to us.

It is going to be sad no doubt, but I think it will be very special for everyone.

I'm looking forward to it because I've been feeling as if enough hasn't been being done for Cameron. In the beginning, we had his memorial, then I was buying things left and right. The we had The Walk to Remember. We got a couple of things to remember Cameron by for Christmas, which was special, but after that, I was left thinking, "What now"?

It's almost an obsession...I don't know how else to explain it. I just don't want Cameron to feel forgotten...EVER...not in the least bit! That's another reason I'm excited for Summer. We will be starting his garden which is going to be just beautiful!

5 months...

Where in the world has time gone?! I cannot believe it's been 5 months since our little man left us. It seems much too long to be without him, and it just breaks my heart to think about it.

It scares me to think that we've been without him that long, and it scares me even more to think that one day, we'll have been without him for much longer. What am I going to do when it hits 5 years? 5 years without my Cameron.......how does this happen?

It just makes the journey home seem that much further away. I've always said that I keep myself peaceful by reminding myself that I will go home one day and I will see his sweet face. It just hit me how far away that really is (God willing).

And his anniversaries always seem to fall on some big day. October it was Halloween and yesterday it was New Years Eve. I had nothing to celebrate yesterday. We had some friends over, but I was just out of it. Because that's when it hit me that this is going by too fast.

It's like when you love someone and then they leave. The first couple of weeks are hard, but you just had them there, so it comforts you some. Then, next thing you know, it's been 5 months and you realize how much you really miss them now...

...here's to hoping 2009 goes by slow and is full of happiness...