Thursday, March 26, 2009

Breakdown #......nevermind, I've lost count!

I hate the randomness of these breakdowns. I don't know what triggered this tonight, but I've been sitting here for the past hour crying my eyes out.
I just keep thinking how unfair it is to lose a child! Why did Cameron have to be singled out? Why doesn't he get to play with his big brother or snuggle with his mommy and daddy?

As I sit here crying, Allie is kicking away inside my belly. I so love that, but it doesn't hide the fact that we should have a 3 month old in the house. I said before that I'm so incredibly thankful for her, but it doesn't make me miss Cam any less.
He's my baby boy, and he's not here. Now, all I have of him are pictures, and imprints of his tiny hands and feet to show his big brother and baby sister.

Honestly, I think what hurts the most is the fact that I can't bring him back. I can't change what happened. I've never experienced something so heartbreaking and permanent - I had never experienced a loss before Cameron! I always thought I was lucky, but somehow that's just not true. Part of me wishes I could have experienced that before. Not that I ever want to lose anyone close to me, but why did it have to by my baby? My little boy that I never got the chance to really know? Who never got the chance to smile at his mommy, or have his daddy blow raspberries on his tummy. Why couldn't it have been someone who was already lucky enough to have experienced those simple pleasures in life. Someone who had lived their life, and enjoyed it. Instead, my first experience with death, had to be my son. How does someone deal with something like this correctly? I guess it just makes me realize how strong the human heart is, and how resilient the soul is....I just wish I didn't have to find that out this way!

I feel partly guilty for sitting here, a mess like this, while our baby girl is happy as can be in my belly. I hope she can't sense the sadness I'm feeling right now. But, at the same time, I have every right to be sad - even when I'm happy at the same time.
My mind is trying to sort through these emotions that I feel on a day-to-day basis, but it's just so hard!

I'll get through this though! And I know that all of my children know I love them with every ounce of my being.


Never forgetting Gregory said...

You do have every right to be sad and upset. Your little girl will know how much you love her and will be so lucky to have you for a mommy. But you will never stop missing Cameron and you should try not to beat yourself up with guilt. I agree that the worst part of breakdowns is that you have no control over when they happen and why. Hugs.

Beth said...

I could have written this post! I have definitely had similar feelings. I know what you mean about no going's just so hard to accept what's happened. I'm sorry. :(