Saturday, March 21, 2009

Thinking

So I was sitting here tonight thinking about this new baby girl, and the weirdest feeling came over me. Are we really "moving on" as a family from what happened? I know you don't just move on from losing a child, so I guess we're really just learning to live with it, huh?

Sometimes I think, "Did this really happen? Did we really lose our baby boy?". It just seems like everything happened so quickly, and now there is this new baby coming. I think back to Cameron's u/s pictures when everything was perfect! When he was a happy, healthy little baby, and when I would see his tiny heart beating away. All of that is gone. He's really gone. This really happened to us.

I look at the pictures of our little girl and can't help but think, "You're there now. In a couple of weeks, it will be the time last year that Cameron was there...just starting out with a little heartbeat." I think of how happy and carefree I was then. Of course I'm overjoyed at thought of this baby, but there is still a lot of heartache in knowing that we should have a 3 month old in the house.

....I just feel so helpless and guilty at times. I'm confused too. I know I love my daughter just as much as I love my boys, but she wouldn't be on her way if Cameron would have lived. How do you view something like that? Am I supposed to think, "Well I wouldn't have her if this didn't happen." later on down the road? Are we supposed to be thankful for that?

I am absolutely thankful to be blessed with another baby. I would have just preferred us to have Cameron and then have this wonderful little girl come a couple years later. I'd have all 3 of my kids here with me...

Either way - Aiden, Cameron, and baby girl (I promise you'll have a name soon sweetheart!): I love you guys will all of my heart!

2 comments:

Never forgetting Gregory said...

It is very tough to think about a new baby entering the picture when your little Cameron should be in her place. I can't guarantee that you will ever come to terms with it, because I can't picture that for myself. But you are a great mommy to all three of your children and this little girl is very lucky to have you.

JenJen said...

Sometimes all the things that we went through seem so surreal. You and I were on the same birth board~ You lost Camerone on July 31 and I lost Lily on August 3...those two dates are less than a year ago, but they feel a lightyear away~ like they couldn't possibly have really happened. When I questioned why this had to happen to my baby, I picture a scene up in heaven where Jesus is talking to all our babies that are going to be placed in our wombs and I see him hugging Lily and he says to her "Don't be sad, but you will be home soon~" and I know He was there to greet her when she got back home. I made this up to comfort me when I really start to wonder why her life had to be so short. He knew the day Cameron and Lily would come into life, and He knew the day that He would bring them home. He must have wonderful plans on earth for your daughter, and He knows you're a wonderful mommy.

((hugs))
Jen