So I was sitting here tonight thinking about this new baby girl, and the weirdest feeling came over me. Are we really "moving on" as a family from what happened? I know you don't just move on from losing a child, so I guess we're really just learning to live with it, huh?
Sometimes I think, "Did this really happen? Did we really lose our baby boy?". It just seems like everything happened so quickly, and now there is this new baby coming. I think back to Cameron's u/s pictures when everything was perfect! When he was a happy, healthy little baby, and when I would see his tiny heart beating away. All of that is gone. He's really gone. This really happened to us.
I look at the pictures of our little girl and can't help but think, "You're there now. In a couple of weeks, it will be the time last year that Cameron was there...just starting out with a little heartbeat." I think of how happy and carefree I was then. Of course I'm overjoyed at thought of this baby, but there is still a lot of heartache in knowing that we should have a 3 month old in the house.
....I just feel so helpless and guilty at times. I'm confused too. I know I love my daughter just as much as I love my boys, but she wouldn't be on her way if Cameron would have lived. How do you view something like that? Am I supposed to think, "Well I wouldn't have her if this didn't happen." later on down the road? Are we supposed to be thankful for that?
I am absolutely thankful to be blessed with another baby. I would have just preferred us to have Cameron and then have this wonderful little girl come a couple years later. I'd have all 3 of my kids here with me...
Either way - Aiden, Cameron, and baby girl (I promise you'll have a name soon sweetheart!): I love you guys will all of my heart!