Saturday, May 2, 2009

9 months

I miss Cameron so much right now. I miss him always, but at this exact moment, I'm missing him a little more than usual.

It's been 9 months - 9 long, whole months since our little boy was taken from us. Once again, I just can't believe he's been gone that long. I even remember a point, after we first lost him, that I thought 9 months would never come - like we would always be stuck in time. Sometimes there are moments when I wish we were. Sometimes I wish we could go back to those days before he passed away. Physically, he was the closest to me as he'd ever been. I still had him with me. But...I can't stop time. It's hurts. It hurts like hell to know that I have been that long without my son. That I've been 9 months without him in my arms. 9 months since I've kissed him. No mother should have to go that long w/out her child. But, unfortunately, I still have much longer to go. It kills me.

There are still days where I have to remind myself that this really happened to us - almost like I forget that our son died. I don't know if it's some sort of defense mechanism we have built into us or what, but it's frustrating. It makes me feel like my memory is slipping away. I would never let that happen, of course, and even so I doubt it's even possible to do!

It's early and my mind is being consumed with a million thoughts at the moment. I think I'll head back to bed and try to get a bit more sleep...

3 comments:

JenJen said...

Ugh, I so know how you feel. Its amazing how fast time flies, and the pain can still so fresh like we just lost Lily yesterday. You and I lost our dear babies within days of each other. I remember how I cried for you when I read the post that Cameron had died, not knowing that I would be crying for my own baby just 3 short days later.

We have been through more than any woman should ever have to endure.

((hugs)) and I'm so right there with you, my friend.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

Hugs to you on this sad occasion. I can't believe how much time has gone by without our little ones. It hurts and it sucks that this is the only beginning of such a long time without them. I understand how you feel about sometimes forgetting. I think about Gregory every day, but sometimes I forget that my baby was torn away from me so soon and that we held him dead. It is so sad and unfair and my mind tries to block it out. I'm thinking about you.

Carly Marie said...

Wishing you peace x