Thursday, May 21, 2009

Somber moments...

My gf's sons' angelversary is coming up on Wednesday. I've talked about her on here before, if you all remember. Her name is Heather, and she lost her baby boy, unexpectedly, last May at 37wks. I'm so sad for her, but at the same time, I'm scared for myself. I'm there for her right now in any way she needs me to be, but I think part of me is doing it to comfort myself. Because I know, in 2 months, I'm going to be there myself. 1yr. ....geez.

I see how "dead" she looks inside, and I don't want that to be me, but how do you control something like that? It just started with her a couple of weeks ago, and I've been thinking about her, talking with her and praying for her in the past weeks. I don't want to have that look in my eyes ever again. I remember how vacant I looked after Cameron passed - I had no real "life" inside of me. I would look in the mirror and just stare into my own eyes - trying to see even the smallest hint of the old me, but it was no use. I was gone...

Today, almost 10 months later, I can say that I don't have that problem. Yes, I still have those days where I feel absolutey crushed inside, but it passes, and it's not nearly as bad as it was last Summer. I still wonder sometimes how I got through it - how any of us get through it! I think about him so much, and I just miss him terribly. I looked at pictures from his memorial and remember things so vividly...even the smell of the air that day. I can walk out, into our mudroom, and when that little air freshener goes off, I just smell it and it reminds me of everything. I love remembering all of these little things, but at the same time, I wish I didn't have to. Does that make sense? I wish, instead, I was remembering the minute Cameron was born, crying, and heavy in my arms. I wish I was remember his first smile or his first little "coo". But I'll never remember those things, because I'll never get to experience them in my life here on Earth.

I just wish for a moment that I could be in another time...another place...with him. Even if it were just for 10 seconds. Just so I could touch him, hold him, and kiss him. I just truly hate being this long without him, only to know that as the years pass, it's not going to feel any better. One day, I'm going to be without him for 10yrs, 20yrs, 50yrs!! My goodness... much as it hurts to think about that, I have to remember that each year that passes, is just another year closer to me being able to see and hold my sweet baby boy. God willing, it will be awhile, but the wait will be so worth it.

Oh and I did start a separate blog for Allie. I just found it too hard to come on here and post all over Cameron's blog, you know? So, here ya go if you're interested! (I need a little help removing the template, so if anyone knows how, please let me know!)

1 comment:

Beth said...

I think you and I are going through a LOT of the same emotions. I almost could have written this post. It's weird how we both lost our babies last July and we're both due again in August. I'll be following Allie's new blog!