Monday, May 11, 2009

so-so day

Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, although it wasn't exactly easy either.

The entire day yesterday, all I could think about was Cameron when someone would tell me, "Happy Mother's Day!". Of course I thought about Aiden and Allie too, but I wanted to tell people, "Thank you! I'm the mother of 3 wonderful little people!". Everyone knows Aiden, and obviously, you can tell by looking at me that I'm pregnant, so those are the only ones people asked about. :(

Before we left, I went to the store to get a card for my mom "from" Aiden, Cameron, and Allie (she thought it was super sweet), and the minute I walked in the store, I heard the song, "To Where You Are" playing. That was the main song at Cameron's service. It took my breath away, because up until that point, I hadn't heard that song since his day, last August 24th. I found myself mouthing the words and smiling to myself the entire time I was in the store.

We went to my Grandma's house for a cookout, and it went well. I started crying on the way over there - although I hid it from everyone in the car. I just kept thinking about holding Cameron in my arms and just sighing and saying, "Oh sweety....". It just kept replaying in my head, and I couldn't stop the tears. By time we got there, I was fine for the most part and had a really good time.

But then at one point a bunch of us were sitting there, and my cousin asked Aiden what if he wanted a brother or sister. Aiden said, "I'm having a sister!". She then said, "Do you want a brother?". I felt that all-too-familiar sting with that question. Aiden didn't say anything, and then she said, "You need a brother, huh?". I wanted SO bad for him to say, "I already have a brother.", but he's four, and while he knows he has a brother if you ask him specifically, the thought doesn't enter his mind when he's approached like that. I wanted to say, "You have a brother, don't you sweetie?", but I couldn't. I knew if I did, I would lose it infront of everyone. I did anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. I just looked at her, gave her a crooked ass smile and then just started crying. Her mouth dropped and she said, "Oh my God...I'm sorry!". Her, her boyfriend and my aunt were the only ones who saw, because I quickly turned my head and buried it in Chev's shirt.

Part of me felt like I was being overly sensitive, but I don't think that was it at all. First off, when it comes to losing your child, I don't think you can ever be overly sensitive. Second, I think it had a lot to do with things just building throughout the day - that was just sort of the icing on the cake for me.

It wasn't a horrible day by ANY means, and I did enjoy myself, but I was just so emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. I thought about every one of my friends on here yesterday - especially those of you who have lost your first child. Each one of you would pop into my head and seperate times, and I just prayed that the day wasn't too hard on any of you. I prayed it wouldn't be too hard on any of us...

6 comments:

Mrs. Mother said...

Big hugs honey. I know what you mean. Yesterday, my inlaws showed up unannounced. I don't like them anyway. They were talking about the new baby and said that it should be a boy, that Tessa didn't need a sister. Tessa actually did tell them that she had a sister, but she's six. I was so proud of her.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

You were not being overly emotional. That would have really eaten me up as well. I know Cameron was on your mind all day. I wish he could have been there with you, so you could have all three of your little ones. I'm glad it wasn't as terrible as we have all been expecting.

Beth said...

Yesterday was an emotional day for all of us - I can totally relate to what you went through. That must have been really hard to hear that woman talking about Aiden needing a brother.

JenJen said...

How easily people forget, aye? I love how protective you are over Cameron, and I wish we didn't have to fight so hard to show people that our little ones were people, too.

I'm glad that your day went good overall. I thought of all of you yesterday, and prayed that we would all feel some peace.

((hugs))

noswimmers said...

HUGE hugs coming your way. M-Day is so rough...

Emma said...

I've never had to go through what you are going through, for which I am thankful. HOWEVER, my mother did. I'm 38, and she lost my 2nd brother when I was 2yo, and my only sister when I was 16. Even as an adult, I've seen her upset about this. So don't worry about the rawness of your grief. It's not even a year, yet.