You know, I was thinking the other day, and I actually said something to my girlfriend about this.
...I'm tired of feeling so sad when I write - whether it be on here or in Cameron's journal. I don't want to feel empty anymore. I don't want to have the heartache. I only want to smile when I think of Cam. I want to be happy, and celebrate the short life that he had. Otherwise, I feel as if I'm not honoring him in the way he deserves. I know when I die, I want people to only laugh and be happy when they think of me. Of course, without a doubt, there will be tears - it's inevitable. But, overall, I want people to be happy for me! Happy that I'm free of this Earth - this ever increasingly horrible world of ours. That I'm in no pain, I'm perfect, and I'm happy.
Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of times where I just think of my little man and I smile my heart out! I think of how perfect he must be and how happy and carefree his little world is. I couldn't want anything more for him! It's just...I don't know...I suppose the sadness comes from one simple fact: I miss him.
I'm not all depressed, and I don't hate the world. I'm not some miserably sad person, who can't function from day to day (although at one point in time, I did feel like it). I just hate how one day I can feel at peace with everything, and I can breathe, only to have a horrible pain tugging at my heart the very next.
I just miss my son. Nothing more, nothing less.
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4 comments:
I feel the same way. Some days I don't post because all I have to say is sad and I'm tired of being the "sad one". It feels like our good days are full of joy and happiness but the bad days are just as bad as they have always been. Hugs.
The sadness can be overwhelming, but it doesn't have to be. I remember thinking that I didn't think I was going to make it through life without her, but I know that she would want me to live each day with a new found respect for the fragility of life. Plus, I know that I'll see her again and this perks me up when I start to wallow in the sadness.
The mere thought of knowing he is so happy and healthy was a great comfort to me. I guess as the years pass by one learn to live with it - not that I don't have my moments too. I don't cry any more, I just miss him and wonder what life would we have had if he was still with us.
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