You know, I was thinking the other day, and I actually said something to my girlfriend about this.
...I'm tired of feeling so sad when I write - whether it be on here or in Cameron's journal. I don't want to feel empty anymore. I don't want to have the heartache. I only want to smile when I think of Cam. I want to be happy, and celebrate the short life that he had. Otherwise, I feel as if I'm not honoring him in the way he deserves. I know when I die, I want people to only laugh and be happy when they think of me. Of course, without a doubt, there will be tears - it's inevitable. But, overall, I want people to be happy for me! Happy that I'm free of this Earth - this ever increasingly horrible world of ours. That I'm in no pain, I'm perfect, and I'm happy.
Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of times where I just think of my little man and I smile my heart out! I think of how perfect he must be and how happy and carefree his little world is. I couldn't want anything more for him! It's just...I don't know...I suppose the sadness comes from one simple fact: I miss him.
I'm not all depressed, and I don't hate the world. I'm not some miserably sad person, who can't function from day to day (although at one point in time, I did feel like it). I just hate how one day I can feel at peace with everything, and I can breathe, only to have a horrible pain tugging at my heart the very next.
I just miss my son. Nothing more, nothing less.