Thursday, December 18, 2008

So much going through my head!

I looked at Cameron's picture for the first time in about a month last night. It was odd. I smiled.
I can't explain what went through me, but it was some weird sense of happiness - like I know he's happy where he's at, and I know he couldn't be happier for us right now.

Then there was that little bit of sadness still tugging at my heart - I suppose it will for awhile...if not the rest of my life.

I have a feeling he would have been here by now. Aiden was 3 days shy of being 3wks early. Not to say that every baby is the same, but if my first came a little early, I have a feeling Cameron would have too. Does that make this upcoming week any easier? Definitely not. That was the day we had talked about since day 1, the day that so many people we're so surprised about when we told them our due date. I've only cried once or twice in the past week...just thinking about things. Mainly when we were back in the hospital, and back at my appointments when everything was going OK.

I really do think this pregnancy is helping though. Because, in the midst of this sadness, I feel this little bit of light shining through, and I know that's because of this tiny miracle inside of me. Letting me know that things are going to be OK, and that Cameron is watching over all of us.

I just miss him dearly. I can't and won't deny that I want my baby boy back, but I know that isn't possible, and I need to just remind myself that he's not gone. He's just away for awhile. Or more so, I'm away from him. I'll see him one day, when I go home. We all will. That's really what has gotten me through so many hard times. I've read many accounts of people who have died, and met their loved ones, only to be brought back to life to tell their stories. To know that I will hold him again one day is all I need to think about to be at peace again.

Then there's Aiden. How and when do I tell him about this baby? We've kept it from his so far, but I'm bursting because I know he wants this so badly. And as confident as I am about this pregnancy, I would hate for something to happen and for him to go through that again. He was devastated when we lost Cameron, and I could never do that to him again. I'm thinking maybe after my first appointment? My initial instinct was to wait until I started to show, but I can't wait to see the excitement on his face!

He's learned a lot about death in the past year. From Cameron, to his guinea pig, to two of the kittens our cat just had. I'm sad for him, but it is part of life.

What hurts me is when he asked me one time, "Can I have another brother or sister? When will you have a baby in your belly again?", and I answered, "Yes baby, you can. I don't know when mommy will have a baby in her belly again, but it will happen." He responded with this, "Will that baby die too?".
We were in the middle of the grocery store when this took place, and it stopped me dead in my tracks, and absolutely broke my heart.

I explain the best I can to him that something happened in my belly, and that Cameron got sick because of it, so Jesus took him home with him so he could be all better. He seemed content with that, but I don't want him to think that all babies die and go to Jesus before they're born.

I'll think on this one awhile. 4yr olds aren't the easiest to convince when they have their minds made up about something... lol


Brina said...

Shelby was 3 years and 10 months old when I lost Steven. 12-18-08 would have been his 2nd birthday if he would have made it. Shelby would always ask me the same things. But... I got pregnant the next month with Shakyra. I didn't keep it a secret. I couldn't. If something happened, I didn't want her to not know. I know that had something happened, it would have been awful. But I always wanted Shelby to know her siblings from the beginning. Of course, that is everyones own choice. Now, I had a ROUGH pregnancy... only a 20% chance of having Shakyra. It was a rollercoaster, but Shelby was always there, rubbing my tummy and telling me, its ok mommy, my baby will be born ok, because I know. And... she was. I think they know more than we want them to know already... Anyways, when you tell him... please please take a picture!! And then let us know what he says!!! Shelby was just estatic and I wish I would have captured her facial expression, but it is one that I will not forget. Hope you are doing well. Cameron will always be shining down on you!

Erica said...

Hi there, I found your blog this morning. We lost our little girl this past year at 18 weeks. My heart aches when I read about your child asking the same thing. My daughter constantly asks about a nother breaks my heart, because in our situtation, I just don't know if that will ever happen... I am so sorry of your loss, but so happy to read you are pregnant again.