Friday, December 26, 2008

I made it!

Well I made it through. It wasn't easy, but we did it!

Honestly, Christmas Eve was much harder than Christmas Day. I think mainly because on Christmas Eve, we were around ALL of the family. We went to my uncle's house, and I was fine when I walked in. I walked past my dad, and he reached out and hugged me and asked how I was doing. I laid my head on his shoulder and said, "Fine..." and then sighed real loudly and the tears just came. I ran to the bathroom and he was quick to follow.

We hugged and cried together, and all I kept thinking and saying was, "He should be here!!". My dad said the same thing - he said that's all he had thought about that day. That Cameron should have been there for everyone to be loving on, holding, and fussing over.
After about 5min. in there, we got ourselves together and walked out. I grabbed a plate and headed out to the tables to get some food. When I walked out there, my mom said, "You OK"? Again, I lost it. I tried so hard not to, but I couldn't fight it. This time I didn't run to the bathroom, I just lost it...right there infront of everyone.
Everyone was very supportive though, and before I knew it, I had my mom, Chev, my aunt, my brother, and my cousins all hugging me.

After that, I went inside to lay on the couch because I was so tired. I just laid there, and triedn to sleep, but nothing happened. I just stared at that angel atop the Christmas tree and started bawling. I got it together and a few minutes and decided I wasn't going to do this. I closed my eyes and talked to Cameron for a bit, and then got up to go and be with the rest of the family.

The rest of the night didn't go too bad. Then we went to Chev's families little thing. They didn't mention a damn thing. Didn't ask how we were doing, didn't mention Cameron....nothing! I love them, don't get me wrong, but they are some of thee most thoughtless people I've ever met! It wouldn't surprise me had they forgotten completely!

Christmas Day was actually a little easier, and I think it's because we didn't have all of the family around. I love my family, they're a great support, and I like being around them, but at that point yesterday, it just reminded me so much how how Cameron should be here. That hurt.

I miss my little sweet pea so much! I know he's here though - always around me. I just have remember that.


I really need to start a separate blog for this, but at the same time, it's kind of cool to have Cameron and his little brother or sister share this.

I had my first u/s on Tuesday. Baby was measuring exactly 7wks, with a heartbeat of 137! We did see another one, but at the time, were not able to pick up a heartbeat. I'm not too worried right now because it's still early, and they didn't do a transvaginal u/s on me. She had to zoom in for us to pick up the hb of the first one, but never zoomed in on the 2nd one to check. I should have just demanded a travsvaginal one, damn it!
She said, "Looks like we might have a twin here!!" and was all excited. Then, when she couldn't find the hb, she said, "Well, I guess we'll just assume it's the yolk sac.". UM, what?! NO. I know what a yolk sac looks like, and I know it's not supposed to be that far away from the baby! Every u/s I've ever seen, the yolk sac is RIGHT NEXT to the baby. Not all the way at the bottom of the sac! You couldn't even see it from the u/s pic she gave us - that's how far away it was from the baby!

So, I have an appoointment with the intake nurse on Monday and am going to ask her about it and see if we can't get in for a transvaginal. I really think the tech. was just doing that to save me stress and sadness. We had talked about Cameron while I was in there, and I think she thought it would have upset me. While I would be sad, I'm so thankful we have atleast one healthy baby in there! Plus, it's not her job to do that.

So, we will see! We've got 2 scenarios here:
1) It was still too early, and baby #2 was just a few days behind.
2) Baby #2 isn't going to develop. I've heard it's very commen (especially when they're in the same sac) for the healthier of the two, to actually steal nutrients and whatnot away from the 2nd one to the point to where the 2nd one doesn't deveopl a heartbeat or to where the heart will actually stop. I suppose it's nature at her best with the whole "natural selection" crap.

I will update after my appointment and let you know what we find out!

1 comment:

Never forgetting Gregory said...

It sounds like your family is really there for you. So glad you had them on Christmas to grieve with. Congrats on the healthy little one.