Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Just quit already...

I am so tired of people saying, "There was probably something wrong." or "These things happen for a reason. Something could have been wrong with him."

WHAT EXACTLY IS THEIR POINT?!

I went back and forth with this guy, yesterday at work, and that's what he kept saying. Even after I told him that Cameron looked completely healthy and normal, and that all u/s and blood tests we had up until we lost him, showed there was nothing to be worried about. I tried explaining to him that my water breaking, was just one of those things that randomly happens - there is usually never a reason for it. It just happens sometimes.

His response to that was, "Well, you know.... sometimes babies seem normal and OK, and then when they're a year old, something is found to be wrong with them - even after the tests they do on them at birth." I looked at him and said, "I loved my son, and even if he did have something wrong with him, it wouldn't have changed my outlook on what happened!".
It made me feel for those of my other dbm's that had something wrong with their little one. That was the first time someone has seriously argued with me about something like that.

I wanted to tell him that I know of women who's babies were diagnosed with diseases that weren't compatible with life - I wanted to ask him if he would have said something like that to them. I wanted to look at him and ask him if his love for his children would have been diminished had one of them been born with downs. Or if one of his children were to have died from a terminal illness, would that have made it "easier" for him. Because, to me, that's what he was implying!

My son was perfect and beautiful when he was born - just too small. But, even if he had been born with one leg or missing half of something - it wouldn't have changed the amount of love I have for him, nor would it have made it any easier to lose him.

...guess it just goes back to ignorance, and people trying to make it seem like they are making things "easier" for us. I wish they would just stop!!!

7 comments:

Heather Lee said...

Hollie- you are so right. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that no matter what someone says it won't make it better. Even having been through my own loss, I can't seem to find the words to say to someone else who has been down the same path. No one can understand the pain another person is going through, and no amount of words will take that pain away. I've learned it is better to listen than search for the words that just aren't there. Sometimes silence can speak volumes, though, I never knew that until I had gone through it myself....

Heather, bbc

Mrs. Mother said...

My own mom made an insensitive comment the other day. She said that God handled all of it the right way. The right way? Seriously? I'm sorry but for me, the right way would have been for Jenna to never have had Trisomy 18 at all.

I will tell you this. It doesn't offer me any comfort to know that there was something wrong with Jenna. Not at all. I think the only comfort I do get out of it is that she's no longer suffering.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

That is infuriating. Why would someone even be trying to speak about this with a woman who LOST her baby. That is nutty, and even worse to argue with you. I've heard that as well, although not in argument form. Gregory was completely healthy up until right when my placenta tore away and cut off his life supply. We watched him die on the u/s screen. He was chromosomally perfect, but you are right, it wouldn't make it any better or easier if he wasn't. Grrr.

JenJen said...

UMM, homeboy sounds like a real jerk. Maybe thats harsh, but he defintely seems like someone that was just talking out their a** and should have just shut-up...

I'm getting riled up...maybe, its the new hormones...but, who knows, he sounds like a toolbag.

Dylan's Mommy said...

Oh this upsets me so much! I have had a couple of people say that "it was the best thing that could have happened, you wouldn't want a baby that wasn't normal." I mean WOW! As if I would love my son any less if he had not been "normal" People are so ignorant.

Julia said...

I'm sorry the guy at work was so insensitive. I had someone tell me for the first time today that "it was all for the best", so I can understand how you feel. I go to the doc tomorrow and am terrified about what she'll say. Perhaps she'll find a *reason* and perhaps not. Either way, it really doesn't matter.

Mirna said...

Don't let him upset you ... maybe one day he'll come to his senses, and apologise.
Hugs