Patiently waiting

It feels like time is standing still all of a sudden! Those first 15wks flew by me, and now...it's just slowly going along.
I'm more than happy with that, because I do like being pregnant, and it gives me more time to really sit back, relax, and enjoy it all.

Although, there's a huge part of me that just wishes Summer would get here so I could hold Allie and know, 100%, that everything is OK, you know? That's the hardest part about losing a baby...it sot of diminishes the "Happy-Go-Lucky" atmosphere of being pregnant the next time around. Not saying I'm a total basket case by any means, but if we hadn't lost Cameron, I wouldn't sit and worry, and I could go about being my care-free self, like I was when I was pregnant with Aiden.

I guess....it just leaves you a bit jaded. I've said from the very beginning that I would enjoy this, not worry, and love every second of it! I've held that promise to myself for the most part, but there are still those moments when I haven't felt her kick in awhile, that thoughts go through my head. I know it's 100%, completely normal, but it still sucks.

Speaking of kicking - she seems to be a lot more calm than the boys were! Aiden was like a little soccer player in there, crazy as can be! And Cameron...LOL, well he liked to roll and flip more than kick and punch. Allie just seems to be enjoying her time in there. She'll kick every now and then, and I pretty much have her sleep times and awake times down, but for the most part, she's just a chill little girl.

I think I've very deserving of a calm, cool and collected child. Because, let's be honest, Aiden is out of his damn mind! Haha! I love it though! I don't know what I would do without the craziness!

A Baby's Secret

I found this poem online and thought it was so sweet! It honestly didn't hit me until I read that last sentence. I started crying immediately!

A Baby's Secret

By Andrea Leigh Brigstock

I'm just the little boy
Who didn't quite make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
but I'm waiting for you here.

Don't you fret about me Mommy
I'm of all God's lambs more blessed;
I'd have loved to stay there with you
but the shepherd knows what's best.

Many dwelling here where I live
waited years to enter in
struggled through a world of sorrow
and their lives were marred with sin.

So sweet mommy don't you sorrow
wipe those tears and chase the gloom,
I went straight to Jesus' bosom
from my lovely mother's womb.

Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don't complain;
I have all of Heaven's glory
suffered none of Earthling's pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me
I'd have loved to brought it fame
but if I'd lingered in Earth's shadows
I might instead of brought it shame. (although I know he never could have :) )

Daddy gave me something for you
it's our secret, mommy dear,
pressed it tight against my forehead
whispered in my tiny ear.

I'll be waiting for you mommy-
you and daddy, bub and sis
I'll be with you then forever,
and I'll give you daddy's kiss.

Incomplete?

Does anyone else ever get the feeling that their family will forever be incomplete?

It seems as though lately, something has been bugging me deep down - like I'll never be satisfied. And now, I think I know why...

I was thinking about our little Allie coming and how exciting, bittersweet and amazing it's going to be. But, even while having these happy thoughts go through my head, I find myself with a bit of sadness always lingering. I honestly think it's because, no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try, our family will always feel incomplete without Cameron here. Most people have more babies, make more money, get a bigger house - all of that great stuff. But us......well, for us it's never going to happen.

Again, it comes down to never being able to fix that issue that bothers me so much. I know I have to go the entire rest of my life with this empty spot in my heart. We'll always be missing that one thing - - - Cameron.

Breakdown #......nevermind, I've lost count!

I hate the randomness of these breakdowns. I don't know what triggered this tonight, but I've been sitting here for the past hour crying my eyes out.
I just keep thinking how unfair it is to lose a child! Why did Cameron have to be singled out? Why doesn't he get to play with his big brother or snuggle with his mommy and daddy?

As I sit here crying, Allie is kicking away inside my belly. I so love that, but it doesn't hide the fact that we should have a 3 month old in the house. I said before that I'm so incredibly thankful for her, but it doesn't make me miss Cam any less.
He's my baby boy, and he's not here. Now, all I have of him are pictures, and imprints of his tiny hands and feet to show his big brother and baby sister.

Honestly, I think what hurts the most is the fact that I can't bring him back. I can't change what happened. I've never experienced something so heartbreaking and permanent - I had never experienced a loss before Cameron! I always thought I was lucky, but somehow that's just not true. Part of me wishes I could have experienced that before. Not that I ever want to lose anyone close to me, but why did it have to by my baby? My little boy that I never got the chance to really know? Who never got the chance to smile at his mommy, or have his daddy blow raspberries on his tummy. Why couldn't it have been someone who was already lucky enough to have experienced those simple pleasures in life. Someone who had lived their life, and enjoyed it. Instead, my first experience with death, had to be my son. How does someone deal with something like this correctly? I guess it just makes me realize how strong the human heart is, and how resilient the soul is....I just wish I didn't have to find that out this way!

I feel partly guilty for sitting here, a mess like this, while our baby girl is happy as can be in my belly. I hope she can't sense the sadness I'm feeling right now. But, at the same time, I have every right to be sad - even when I'm happy at the same time.
My mind is trying to sort through these emotions that I feel on a day-to-day basis, but it's just so hard!

I'll get through this though! And I know that all of my children know I love them with every ounce of my being.

Finally

I'm 20 weeks today, and I cannot believe how fast the time has gone! I'm half way done!!
It's insane to me! 19 weeks wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but I still thought about it from time to time that day. Over all though, I always get this sense of happiness that goes through me. I know it's Cameron telling me not to worry - that he's making sure everything is going to be OK!

We're finally starting to be able to feel our little girl on the outside now! I tried waking Chev up two mornings ago to feel, but he was so out of it, he didn't know what was going on, lol. I got to feel it with Cameron a lot towards the end, but Chev never did. I try not to think about that, because it makes me sad, but it enters my head everytime this baby moves. But you know, I'm just taking this one day at a time! I'm very blessed and I'm very happy that everything is going so well!

Oh and we finally decided on a name for our little girl (jenjen was high in the running! ...lol Jen).
We've decided on ALLIE BRIELLE! We're still debating on keeping it JUST Allie, or putting Alexandra on her birth certificate, but calling her Allie. I just LOVE Allie, but a few people mentioned that it might not "grow" with her. The majority of people I ask, however, don't see a problem with Allie, and think it's such a pretty name! So we'll see! Either way, she'll be called Allie :)

Aiden, Cameron, and Allie - I love it! :)

Thinking

So I was sitting here tonight thinking about this new baby girl, and the weirdest feeling came over me. Are we really "moving on" as a family from what happened? I know you don't just move on from losing a child, so I guess we're really just learning to live with it, huh?

Sometimes I think, "Did this really happen? Did we really lose our baby boy?". It just seems like everything happened so quickly, and now there is this new baby coming. I think back to Cameron's u/s pictures when everything was perfect! When he was a happy, healthy little baby, and when I would see his tiny heart beating away. All of that is gone. He's really gone. This really happened to us.

I look at the pictures of our little girl and can't help but think, "You're there now. In a couple of weeks, it will be the time last year that Cameron was there...just starting out with a little heartbeat." I think of how happy and carefree I was then. Of course I'm overjoyed at thought of this baby, but there is still a lot of heartache in knowing that we should have a 3 month old in the house.

....I just feel so helpless and guilty at times. I'm confused too. I know I love my daughter just as much as I love my boys, but she wouldn't be on her way if Cameron would have lived. How do you view something like that? Am I supposed to think, "Well I wouldn't have her if this didn't happen." later on down the road? Are we supposed to be thankful for that?

I am absolutely thankful to be blessed with another baby. I would have just preferred us to have Cameron and then have this wonderful little girl come a couple years later. I'd have all 3 of my kids here with me...

Either way - Aiden, Cameron, and baby girl (I promise you'll have a name soon sweetheart!): I love you guys will all of my heart!

Our little girl

Here are some of the ultrasound pictures we got on Monday! We're still deciding on a name, but we've got it narrowed down to 2! We've got time, so I'm not too worried about it. I'm just anxious to be able to call her by her name. I love the first one and the last one. The first is such a cute profile shot! In the second and last one, you can see her cheeks starting to get chubby! We'll see though, but so far, I make babies with adorable chubby cheeks! lol



She was estimated to be 11oz in these pictures. I can see the resemblance between her and Aiden and Cameron. Especially Cameron, because...well, I saw him in person at that exact age. That kept popping into my head while I was looking at the ultrasound. The tech. kept saying stuff to the effect of, "She's still little, but with the 4D, you can get an idea of what she actually looks like." I wanted to be like, "I know what she looks like, and I know how big she would be if I were to be holding her right now." She's got a bit more fat on her than Cam did - atleast according to the estimate. But, I know those can be off. Before we lost Cameron, they were estimating him to be about 9oz. He was 7.1oz when he was born. Then again, I suppose he could have lost weight from the infection maybe? :( .... I don't know.

I had a horrible nightmare lastnight that I lost this baby. My water broke and I delivered her right there, but nothing was done about it. They just picked her up and whisked her away and I was sent home. I remember in my dream, I kept thinking about how things were with Cameron. How I got to spend time with him, how I got pictures, inprints of his hands and feet, his hat and blanket, etc. I was so upset and cried throughout the rest of my dream. Then I woke up.

I ran down stairs and grabbed my doppler, and picked her up the minute I put the wand on my belly. It was just weird because I haven't had a dream like that in a LONG time.

I fell back asleep only to restart the dream! This happened twice! I should have just stayed awake!

All I have to say is THANK GOD FOR DOPPLERS!! I love being able to check on her from time to time just to ease my mind! :)