Thursday, November 6, 2008

Trying to figure things out...

My family Dr. called back with my number. My levels were a 6

Yes, this is considered pregnant, but not very. My levels should have been much higher.

It confuses me because I got a + on the day before, the day of, and the day after my blood draw. How in God's name did an HPT pick up so little?

I've been bleeding and cramping all day. TMI, but basically soaking a pad every 2hrs.

Basically, there's no hope in my mind at this second, and I've accepted what's happening.

I've been very down today for multiple reasons. I shouldn't have to be going through this. I should be 8 months pregnant with my little Cameron. But I'm not. Even so, I shouldn't be having these problems. I'm young, I'm healthy, and I had NO problems with Aiden what so ever. Now, here I am, once again starting from scratch.

It's very frustrating for me. And now here I am, again, scared to death I won't be pregnant before Cam's due date.

I called the nurse at my OB's office and talked to her. I told her what happened last month, and now this month, and she wants to get me in to see my OB. That scared me.
I thought this was something normal that can happen after losing a baby so late. She said it's just to make sure there's nothing else going on. I'm just not sure what's happening. I'm getting pregnant, but not staying pregnant.

I just don't get why this is happening to me. I don't want it to happen to anyone, but why me?! Why not the crackhead down the street who neglects and abuses her children.

What have I done, that is so wrong, that I don't deserve to give Aiden a little brother or sister here on Earth!? He's being affected by this too! He so wants someone to play with. He's got all of his friends, yes, but they all have brothers and/or sisters. It makes me so angry!


Never forgetting Gregory said...

I feel the same way in some aspects. Of course I don't want others to suffer, but you are right, why not the crackheads? I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Maybe you will get some answers from the OB and maybe it is an easy fix. I'm sorry this is affecting your family so much. =( I realize there isn't anything I can say to take away this hurt.

Tiffany said...

I am sorry that you are having to deal with all this after your loss only a few months ago. Hopefully the OB will tell you everything is fine and that you just need to keep trying. I know it is hard to hear this especially since you want to be preg before your due date. But it will happen. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Several times in Peter’s life, Jesus asked him to go the extra mile, to toss his fishing net over the other side of the boat—one more time. And these fishing nets weren’t small. They weren’t easy to move from side to side. They were very heavy. Peter was reluctant, but he did it anyway because Jesus asked him to, and the results were amazing.

It’s easy to get tired and discouraged when you’ve tried and tried and aren’t seeing the results you had hoped. But, when you hear the voice of the Master deep down inside saying, “Try it again,” know that things are about to change. It may be hard. It may not make sense. You may be tired, but that “one more time” can be the breakthrough you’ve been waiting for!

When everything and everyone else says it’s time to give up, that’s when it’s time to go with God. When you obey Him, He’ll take the impossible and turn it into a miracle. You can trust that God is ordering your steps. He’s taking you down a path of victory and increase. Just like Peter, you’ll be amazed at what will happen when you follow His commands, just one more time!

Anonymous said...

God is still in the miracle-working business. He is still our Creator and He is a Restorer. He’ll take those experiences that caused you pain, and He’ll turn them around for your good. He’ll make you stronger, wiser, and better off than you were before. He can launch you further into your destiny than before. Be encouraged today because with God all things are possible and nothing is ever wasted! Just say, Heavenly Father, I give You every bit of my life, my past, my present, and my future. Thank you for taking every experience in my life and turning it around for my good. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

The Jr. Smith Family said...

You dont know me but I have been following your blog for a couple of weeks now.I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I too have been thru what you are going thru. I lost my baby boy at 17w and then had a similar loss at 7 wks. I know nothing I say will take the pain away but I might be able to give you a glimse of hope. 3 months after the 7 wks loss I got pergnant again and this time carried the baby to term 37wks. Rylie Grace is her name. I will be praying for you and your family.

ps: The feelings you have about how you could carry a totally perfect pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby and then have so many troubles and so much pain now is exactly what I was feeling and sometimes still do feel. I have a 5 year old who I carried to 41wks. Why was I having so many issues now?? I guess what I am trying to say is that you are having some probably very normal feelings. I will continue to pray for your family...

Anonymous said...

Holl, I just found your blog. I just wanted to say that I had the same experience several times before this pregnancy; a positive test, and then bleeding and it was gone very early (within a week or 2 of the positive test). Turned out it was my progesterone. They tested for the spike at 7 days after ovulation, and I got the spike...but I was sure my levels were dropping after that since i had all the classic symtoms. I insisted my doctor prescribe me progestrone and took it form the day after I ovulated until I was 12 weeks pregnant. You may want to look into that.

Good luck. Though my early losses wer nowhere near as difficult as yours, the last of them would have been due October 24, and I am not sure how I would have gotten though that day had I not been pregnant.

I also had no problems getting pregnant with my 5 year odl daughter, and it took 7 months and 3 early losses this time. Things just change. It is wrong, but it is.