Wednesday, November 5, 2008

A bittersweet time...

Ok, so I know this is probably completely normal, but it's frustrating to me at the same time.

Of course I'm absolutely thrilled at the thought of being pregnant again. At the same time though, there's a great sense of sadness within me. I think it all comes down to the simple fact that I want Cameron, and I know this baby isn't him.

It's going to be so hard to get used to the idea of a different baby. Cameron was the last thing I knew about being pregnant, and I can't just forget that. In my mind, I'm having my 3rd child, but my second is missing. I've been pregnant two times in 8 months. Nothing about those two statements is normal.

I'm also very afraid of getting so wrapped up in this pregnancy that I stop thinking of Cameron. I know in my heart that's not possible, but the thought does go through my head. I just want him to know that I love him no matter how many other children we have. He's still our son. He's our little baby boy and he always will be.

I don't want to resent this baby for not being Cameron. I don't want to ever look at him/her and think, "Why are you here and Cameron's not?!". I don't think that will happen, but it still scares me.

I'm sure these are all perfectly normal feelings to have while being pregnant after a loss. I'm thinking about maybe going to talk to someone though. Just to get these things out - not just on here, but to an actual person. Maybe that person can help me get through these fears and these feelings.

I don't know anyone in real life that has gotten pregnant after a stillborn. My friend Heather, of course, but she's still not pregnant. She's hoping this month though!

It's still very early, and things are still very new to me. We'll give this some time and see what happens.

1 comment:

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I can only imagine that these feelings are normal. Those are fears and thoughts I presume I will have when I get pregnant. You are a great mommy to Cameron and you will not ever forget matter how much attention you give to this baby.