Monday, November 10, 2008

First Snow...

We had our first snow here today. I was fine this morning when I woke up, but the minute I saw that snow, something inside me just shut off. I haven't been back to my "normal" self since then.

I don't want it to snow, I don't want winter to be here, and I'm so not looking forward to the upcoming holidays. The snowfall today was like a punch in the stomach. Nothing is going to stop just because I want it to. The holidays are still going to come, and people are still going to celebrate, even though I'm hurting.

I don't even want to think about Christmas. The snow made me realize that it's coming fast. If it weren't for Aiden, I doubt we'd even put up a tree this year. At the same time, I hate saying that, because I don't want to not do something because Cameron's not here. I want it to be special, but how do you do that when you're missing the one and only thing you want that day.

Cameron would have been the best Christmas present ever, and now he won't be here. All I'll have is a tiny santa hat for his urn, and special ornament for the tree. That does NOT make up for my baby not being here.

We pulled up into the driveway tonight, after being at Chev's parent's house, and I noticed the snow build up on my car. It was covering Cameron's decal on my back window. I feeling of anger went through me. I wanted to jump out of the jeep, and just frantically start pushing that snow away. Instead, I collected myself, walked up to the car and brushed it away. There was ice underneath, so it was still covered.

I hated that snow more than ever right then.'s hoping tomorrow will be a better day.


Never forgetting Gregory said...

I'm so sorry. I had very similar thoughts yesterday as it got very cold and everyone was talking about Christmas plans and parties. I don't want any of it. I can't imagine how difficult this Christmas will be when you are supposed to be bringing Cameron into the world. You are right, an ornament and santa hat do NOT make up for the baby who should be in your arms. Hugs.

Mrs. Mother said...

Big hugs to you. I don't want Christmas to come either. Jenna was supposed to be my little Christmas present.