Monday, February 2, 2009

Where did this come from?!

My tears are heavy right now. Probably the heaviest they've been in months.

Not that I'm a distraught mess, but I'm literally just sitting here with loads of tears falling down my face. No sniffles, no loud cries...just sitting here in silence as they fall. I had no idea they were coming, but the minute I started to write - the minute the word "sweet pea" escaped my fingers - it was over.

Maybe I needed that. I haven't written TO Cameron in quite some time, and did it for the first time in awhile tonight. I typically write to him in his journal, but one of the mom's one my birth board started a thread titled, "Letters I wish I could write". Most of them were silly and gave me a good laugh. Others were somewhat violent, lol, but I laughed. Then there were the select few that really touched me. The ones from those who have lost their babies.

I though, "What a good idea!!". Then, as I read another's mom's entry, I got that quivery lip. Still, I thought I would be fine. I started to write, and BAM!

Not that it bothers me in the least bit. Crying, to me, is an amazing outlet of something deeper inside of us. While I may not have been outwardly upset lately, that doesn't mean that my heart isn't hurting. And that doesn't mean that I'm not going to still cry from time to time. My heart is still as broken as it was the day Cameron left us. It will never be fixed, but I'll learn to live with this impaired heart of mine.

... As most of "us" do.

1 comment:

Carly said...

Crying will help you to heal, although I don't believe we will ever fully heal. That would mean that we stop loving our babies.

Beautiful post.

Praying for you and your little one