Thursday, February 19, 2009

The heartache...

I heard one of the songs we played at his memorial, and another song I played for myself that first night in the hospital after he was born. I just can't get over how I can picture everything so clearly. I think it's so hard because those memories go through us in mere seconds. It happens so quickly, and our minds and hearts can't figure out what the hell just happened in those seconds it takes to remember. How can we be brought back to something so quickly, and have it be so vivid at that?

It's absolutely heartbreaking. I broke down tonight - harder than I have in a long time. All from hearing that one song, and seeing myself lying in that hospital bed, for the first time with out my little boy.

I ran and grabbed Cameron's urn and just squeezed it against my face and I bawled. I told him I loved him and how sorry I was. Sorry that he's not here with me, sorry that my body failed him, and sorry that he has to see his momma this way.

I hate being like this - you know, being pregnant and all. I don't want to stress myself out, but I can't just let this go. It's hard being pregnant and mourning the loss of my little man at the same time. I've already got so many emotions flying through me -on top of the heartache of still missing Cameron. It's so confusing and frustrating. But, it's the task I took on when I decided I wanted to be pregnant again. I've done relatively great since I got pregnant - trying to see the bright side of things and all - but I still have those moments. The moments where I miss him more than words could possibly say. The moments when I wold give ANYTHING to have him here with me. Those moments when I wish, if only for a second, I could catch of glimpse of my sweet angel -to see what he's doing, how he's doing....what he looks like...if he still has those chunky little cheeks.

Oh goodness...

I knew it wasn't going to be easy doing this, but....I know it will be worth it when I can hold this baby and thank Cameron for watching over us, and making sure his little brother or sister gets safely into this world.


The Dorns said...

Oh Momma your a trooper it takes a really strong woman to go through what you have. God chooses people like you to save his special miracles for. You have been blessed with another child not to replace the child you lost but to honor your other child. You will see all the joys and special times through this very special child God chose to grow in your womb. I will pray for strength and encouragment to get you through the rough times. May you always remember that special baby you held in your arms.

Brina said...

Hey Sweetie! I have been following your blog since obbc went down, and I wanted you to know that its ok. After I lost Steven, and then got pg with Shakyra 6 weeks later... oh my, the emotions are sooooo much bigger! Every lil thing scares you, and its normal. Thankfully they made dopplers! Don't you just love it?! Shakyra is almost 21 months now, and I still have my moments of wishing Steven was here. But then I also thank him for sending me my beautiful daughter. Its always bittersweet, but in the end, I have a huge smile on my face knowing that Steven has the most beautiful angel wings a lil boy could ask for, as does Cameron.


P.S. Have you heard the song Storm, by Lifehouse?? It may bring tears, but I just love it, and I find it very fitting. I can't wait to find out what you are having!!