Tuesday, July 7, 2009

It's all coming back

Everything is all too familiar right now. The weather, the smell of the air, the way the breeze blows - it's all just one big rush of emotion for me. It's crazy that I can close my eyes and imagine exactly how things were last July

Even the smell of our house. It brings every little thing back so clearly. Every now and then, the smell of the hospital room will hit me. The feeling of lying in that bed, knowing Cameron was gone, while I stared out the window. I remember looking out at the city and watching everyone go about their business. How lucky they were I thought. It angered me at the same time - to know that those people were going about their daily lives, while I was in this room, with my son, who had already gone to be with the Lord, lay silently inside of me.

Everything is just super crazy. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me. I miss him so much. I think of how different our life would be today, had he survived.
It's funny how I'm going back to the same ways of calming myself as I did last year. You think you get past that, but then it comes back. You have to remember how you got through those first few weeks of hell, and remind yourself that you can do this.

Remembering to "just breath" has been my saving grace for the past year...

2 comments:

Never forgetting Gregory said...

It is amazing how a simple smell or feeling or object can bring back those memories and senses. I think reminding yourself to breathe is a great coping mechanism when grief hits the hardest. I often think about how different my life would be right now with my baby boy. Hugs.

elisebre said...

Followed your blog from the December Baby Center…I like to “check in” on you. I guess I felt like we had a lot in common because I was due the same time as you with a baby boy, 25yrs old, and share the love of the name Ayden. I had my son Ayden on December 24th. You and your family have been in my prayers for the past year. I cant even imagine how hard these couple of weeks will be for you, but you are a very strong and inspirational person! You will continue to be in my prayers especially this month! Ohh and Congrats on your baby girl!