So today, so far, hasn't been as bad as I was expecting. The thoughts are in my head, but it's not a day that I want to crawl in a hole like I thought I would have.
Today is the day that our nightmare began a year ago. Tonight, around 8:30, will mark the time that my water broke too early last year. I've been trying to keep myself busy, and so far so good. It helps too that Allie is beating the crap out of me today! :)
We got home just a bit ago, and I went out to get the mail. I noticed a small yellow package in our box. I wasn't sure what to expect, because from my memory (which isn't so good these days), I hadn't remember ordering anything. Well, I pulled it from our mail box, and this is who it was addressed to - "Cameron's Mommy".
I started bawling right there on my front porch! My heart was beating a million times a minute it seemed. I searched it frantically to give me any indication of what was inside. Still confused, I went inside, sat down and nervously stared at it. Just stared. All I could see through my tears were the words "Cameron's Mommy" - those words touched me so deeply. That's right - I am Cameron's mommy!
I stuck my finger into the side of it, still racking my brain with what it could be. Finally I just ripped it open, and saw a card, and something wrapped in tissue. I read the card, which stated, "I hope you can find a special spot for Cameron's angel wings." Just below that, it read, "Fly, fly little wing, fly where only Angels sing...". Then, it was signed with love.
It hit me then that they were the pair of little angel wings that I had emailed a wonderful woman about a couple weeks back. She makes these cute little wings with a name tag and "birth date" attached.
It always seems as if something like that happens on the days I need it most. It's so strange how it happens, but I have no doubt in my mind that it's Cameron's way of showing me that he's here for me. I remember shortly after losing him, I was having a horrible day, and how that random preacher showed up at my door. All he wanted to do was talk to me and at the end he said a prayer for us and for Cameron. I remember my necklace showing up just a day before his memorial - a day that I was a complete wreck on. I remember butterflies flying by when I was alone and thinking of Cameron. I remember getting gifts, pictures, and people randomly popping up online to say simple things, on days that I wasn't doing so good on.
I wish there was a way I could thank my little man for all he's done for me. He definitely takes care of me in amazing ways! It's just odd when you think of it - I should be taking care of him.