So, it's been awhile...

I apologize. Life has been hectic, and I suppose as this wound somewhat heals over time, I don't "need" my blog as much as I used to. It was my crutch a lot of the time.

I guess I just sort of put it in the back of my mind.

Cameron, however, is still alive as ever in my heart and mind! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my sweet little boy! I don't cry near as much, but there are those times where it still hits me and I shed quite a few tears, in the office, by myself, holding his picture to my chest.

We're getting there though! People still bring him up, and friends let us know that they think about him/us all of the time. That means the world to me! I've always been so afraid that people will forget him because they never got the chance to truly meet him. None of us did. That's why I do the things I do for him. It's my job, as his mommy, to keep his memory alive.

There are still times where I'll mention something about him - whether it's his initials or something else - and even members of my own family, say, "Huh?". THEN it clicks. It KILLS me, but I can't be upset with them. I just say his name, very matter-of-fact like, and go on with what I was talking about.

The holidays are always a little harder. Christmas is his special day. I think about him being 2 this year, opening his presents, and seeing the excitement in his little eyes. All I can do is imagine though. But, if imagination is all I have left to "see" him in my life, then I'll take it! I'll picture him sliding down the stairs on his little butt (the way Allie does), and running to the tree (the way I'm sure Allie will), and just staring in amazement, not sure which present to rip at first! I'll picture him sitting there, admiring his new toys next to his brother and sister, and I'll smile while doing so <3

Cameron's garden and prayers

Cameron's garden is coming along! I'm so happy to finally be starting it! We still have some stuff to clean up, and a few more things to add, but it's already beautiful! Everything he deserves!

It's also nice to know that I now have a spot to go if I need to have some alone time with Cameron. I always tried here at the house - whether it be sitting on the couch or crouched down in front of where his urn sits - but I couldn't concentrate. Too much going on.

I can't wait for the flowers to bloom and to see all of the beautiful butterflies flying around his little place! We got the second blueberry bush planted, and it looks great! I picked the Jersey species because they start blooming and popping berries around July 30, which was the closet to Cameron's birthday out of all the species they had at the nursery! The minute I saw that, I made up my mind that that was the plant I wanted!

I'll get the pictures up tomorrow!


On a side note Iwant to ask that you all say a prayer for my friend and her family. Her sister just lost her baby girl this past Saturday. Little Reese lived for just over a day before going to be with our Lord. My heart is breaking for them, and it hurts to see my friend so heartbroken. I'm not really close at all with the parents, but I know the hurt they're feeling, and to see what they're going through, just brings back everything from when we lost Cameron.
Just please keep them in your prayers, and pray that God lends them his gentle hand to help them through such a hard time.

What an amazing day!!!

I couldn't have asked for a better day - for myself and for Cameron!!

I made it a point to smile and be happy today, and I did it! Now, there were points where my eyes did water a bit, but for the most part, I looked at today as a happy celebration of Cam's little life, and the imprint he has left on all of out hearts!!

I smiled at how amazing my little boy is!!

His balloon release was great! And I know he was there with us! The sun shown brighter than ever after the release and a monarch butterfly floated above us and follwed us for a few minutes as we were leaving!! I know it was a sign! You don't see something that beautiful and meaningful for no reason - especially after what we were doing!!


HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY CAMERON!!! You are oh-so-loved, sweet pea! I hope you had an amazing time today, and smiled just as much as I did!!

         In this one, a friend of mine pointed out that it looks like an angel behing the sun, with the wings coming out on the right side, and a hand reaching out on the left side! This was right after the balloon release, and also the same time the butterfly was flying around us!

            

       Sissy with Cam's balloons!! It's hard to believe that last time she was there, she was only 3 days old!

More to come as soon as I get them uploaded...

Two years...

I remember this day like it was yesterday.

Except it wasn't - it was two years ago. Two years that have gone by too fast. (I still sleep with that green blanket every night!)

Things are getting easier as each month passes, and as tomorrow comes, I find myself a little anxious, and with that ever too familiar feeling of being on the verge of tears. However, it's a little different this year. There's a little bit more peace within me. I think that's what everyone means when they say that time will make things easier. Every year that passes, takes a little bit of the sting away. I know our hearts will never fully mend, but they will heal more and more as time goes by.

I look at my life now, and as much as I hate what happened to us, I can't imagine what we'd be life had we not lost Cameron.  It's changed me as a person - my view on life...my view on everything around me really. It's changed our family. It's part of who we are. I never thought I'd be a mother to an angel child, but I am, and I've accepted that.

Do I often wonder what it would be like if he was here? Of course. And sometimes, I'll even look at Allie and think of her as Cameron. But then I look at her as her and I couldn't imagine that little stinker not being here with us. She's here for a reason - God knows it and Cameron knows it, and maybe one day I'll see it -But, for now, I don't think about the reasons. I just see my beautiful family and am thankful for everything we do have. Cameron blessed us with Allie to shine some light back into our family, and boy how brightly it shines!! I can't thank him enough for looking after each of us, and taking care of us.

My sweet little Cameron,

I miss you so much. There's really not much more to say, is there? Tomorrow is your 2nd birthday, but you're not hear to celebrate with us. But trust me, sweet pea, we will celebrate you! The little life you had, the amazing strength you showed, and the way you taught me to live again. We'll celebrate it all, but more than anything, we're just going to celebrate sweet little you.I think about you constantly - wondering what our lives would be like if you were here.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I know you didn't get to be here for so long, but I would rather have just a single second with you, than not have you in my life at all. I wish you were here with us, in person, but I'm just thankful we get to have you in our hearts - forever and always. We wouldn't be the same without you. We're a special kind of family now. And that's OK! I'm blessed to have my three children, and even though I don't have you here with me, I'm lucky that I have you to watch over us. I'm lucky that you're around us all of the time, and I know I can talk to you whenever I miss you - be it 3am or in the middle of the day when I'm driving down the highway. You're always there.

Please let tomorrow be as easy on us as possible. Shine that light of yours on us just a little brighter than you usally do! Smile, play, and know that we love you so very much little man!! We'll be sending lots of balloons your way!

I didn't miss these tears...

I've cried for the first time in awhile tonight. There's a part of me that just wants to surround myself in everything that is Cameron right now. I'm yearning to feel closer to him. I think that's the natural mommy thing to feel though. We want to be close to our children, and it's such a struggle inside our hearts to know that you can't be with one of them. You can't hold them, touch them, comfort them, kiss them, etc. And that's what kills.

The only two things I said through my tears were,

"I love and miss you so much Cameron."

and

"This just sucks."

Pretty much sums it up.

When he was here...

Do you ever find yourself looking at dates on pictures, papers, tickets, etc. and thinking to yourself, "My baby was still alive on that day."? I ran across a picture a few minutes ago and the date in the corner was 7-25-08. The first thing to go through my head was, "Cam was still with us. His little heart was still beating then".

My eyes watered. It's those little things - those little dates - that give your heart a little jolt.

I've been doing awesome lately though!! I only think fondly of Cameron now.

Does it still hurt? Of course.

But, I smile more than ever now! I talk to Allie about him and show her things. I know she doesn't understand yet, but she will one day. More than anything, it just sucks. It sucks that I can't have all 3 of them here. It sucks that Aiden and Allie never got to meet their brother. But, a the same time, I know it's OK. Because one day, I'll have all 3 of my babies in my arms and they'll get to meet their brother!

As time goes by, I feel as if I'm losing touch with Cameron. In my heart I know that's not really possible, but as the days pass, and as our lives continue to move forward w/out him, it almost seems as if he's just a whisper in the wind.

I used to feel so "connected" to him. I still do, don't get me wrong, but it's not as strong as it once was. What does this mean? I have no idea. What I do know is that I love him with all of my heart, and that my heart still aches for him so very much. I think life is just really getting the best of me at times. I feel so busy, rushing around with Aiden and Allie. So busy, that at times, I will go a long while w/out thinking of Cameron. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about him, but it doesn't consume my mind like it used to. I suppose time will do that. I hate time. I wish it would just stop, but what good would that do? I'm just so afraid of going so long without him. It'll be two years this Summer. Two years....

And I still remember every bit of him. Every kick I ever felt, every time he made me almost pee my pants. I remember his tiny hands and feet. That's the funny part about this. Time goes by, and next thing I know it'll be 5 years without him, but I will never forget the little things. They're forever etched in my memory.

I'm rambling, and I probably don't make a damn bit of sense right now. It's just so hard to put into words how I've been feeling. I feel guilt. I feel anger. I feel sorrow. I feel my heart still breaking into a thousand pieces from time to time. I try to let the love and happiness I have left outshine those other things, but it takes so much out of me. It's an internal struggle that I don't know I'll ever win.

I'm so completely happy with my little family here at home, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't give up anything. Heather and I were talking the other day, and I told her that before I had Allie, I used to think that I would give up anything to have Cameron back with me. But after Allie was born, I realized that's not true. I couldn't give her up. Ever. It's that part of you that you want to say has almost come to peace with what has happened. I don't want to say I'm OK with what happened, because what parent is OK with losing a child. But, I am OK. Do you get what I mean? I told Heather she would know what I mean as soon as she holds little Ellie in her arms.

I don't know how to explain any of this right now. It's late, I'm tired, and my mind is slightly clouded.

I did want to share this though. I can't remember for the life of me where I found it, but I saved it because it makes me smile every time I read it.

"They say that time in Heaven is compared to the 'blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my son, running ahead of me, through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies. So happy and completely caught up in what he is doing, that by the time he turns around to see if I'm behind him...I will be."

Long time

It seems so empty around here anymore - blogland that is.



Everyone has either just dissapeared or they are busy updating new blogs, with their new babies. I'm the same way! This place used to be my crutch, but I don't need it as much as I used to anymore. It's still the first place I come to write when I'm in a down moment, but those moments are far and few between now. Not that I've never written a happy post - I've written quite a few actually - but, it's more than likely that someone will write more when they're in a bad place, you know?



I haven't been in a bad place in awhile now! I've had a couple of down moments, but nothing bad.



Still thinking of my little man every single day. :) and he makes sure of that too! Just the little things that happen! Take for instance the fact that he was born at 6:55. Everyday I will look at the clock, not even thinking about what time it is, and it will be 6:55. I just smile. And my dreams....oh, the dreams. They bring me more comfort than anything else - they always have. It's the only place I can go to and be with Cameron. I remember one of the first dreams I had about him. I was actually pregnant with Allie at the time, but I didn't know she was a girl yet.



I blogged about it here, but it was basically that Cameron was wheeled into my hospital room, in a bassinet, and I got to hold him, and love on him, and look into his eyes. He smiled at me. Then, in a split second, it wasn't him anymore. It was a baby girl. I was confused and hurt, but at the same time, I was still drawn to this new baby. I wanted to take her home...I knew she was mine.



2 months later we found out we were having a little girl. I took that dream as a sign from Cameron, that Allie is part of him. Some of the things she does, some of her features - they are him. Just as it is with Aiden. I see all of my children in one another, and it makes my heart melt.


My love. Don't you worry your cute little head. I will never forget you. I think about you daily, and you're in my heart always. We love you munchkin!

A long time coming...

Some strange feeling as come over me in the last week or so. I feel horribly guilty for it, but at the same time, there's a sense of freedom attached to it. I use the term "freedom" lightly here because I don't want to make it seem as if I'm wanting to "free" myself of Cameron. I never could, nor would I ever want to.

I just want to free myself of the heartache and pain that has engulfed me in the past year.

I was sitting at the dining room table, Aiden was playing the Wii, Chev was in the kitchen, and Allie was sleeping on the couch. I looked at Cameron's picture and urn on the entertainment stand. It hit me then - THIS is my family. And I'm happy with it.

I love Cameron just as much as I love Aiden and Allie - that's no secret - and, as I check on Aiden and Allie before I got to sleep, that feeling hits me again. I'm happy. I'm truly happy for the fist time since losing Cameron.

Part of me feels guilty for feeling that, but it's what I've been waiting for, for so long. And I know Cameron would never want it any different. For the first time since losing Cameron, I've gone an entire week without shedding a single tear, and I must say it feels mighty good. I held back from feeling this way for a long time, because somewhere in my mind, not hurting and not crying meant I didn't miss him, or that I didn't care anymore.

I've always said you never "get over" or "move on" from what happened. You just learn to live with it - and I think that's what I'm starting to do. I'm learning to see my family as being whole. Why shouldn't I? Yes, one of my children isn't here, but that doesn't mean he's not in my heart. It's taken me a year and half to do this. I'm sure I will have relapses, but that's normal. My heart will still ache from time to time, and I know I'll cry once in awhile. All normal.

I deserve to have a real smile on my face, and my children deserve to see their mother laugh whole-hearted once again.

Three little stockings, all hung with care...

This is the first year that we have ever done stockings, and to look up and see three of them hanging there, hurts so bad.

There are three stockings here in this house. I can physically see them and touch them. But, there are only two children in this house that I can say the same for. It's so messed up.

Aiden and Allie's both have red with swirls and bells, and then there's Cameron's green one with red and polka dots. It kills me to know that only two of those stocking will only be filled. Every year, for the rest of my life, that's how it's going to be.

I've been in a bit of funk lately. I can't explain it. I just feel so dead inside, but not in a way that's so horrible that I let it affect me on the outside - if that even makes sense. It's just that emptiness that I'm always going to feel. I know it's there -I've gotten used to it- but sometimes it shows itself more than ever, and my heart feels like it's breaking all over again.

I love Christmas. I love the meaning behind Christmas, and that's why I don't want to get too down on myself. This holiday is for Jesus Christ and no one else. There is no other meaning behind it. I rest assured in knowing that this Holiday, we celebrate He who gave His life for our sins. It's Him who I look to in my worst moments, and it's because of Him that I will one day get to see my son again.

It's the waiting that's just so hard. It's like I'm being torn apart. Not a single part of me wants to leave my children - my family - behind anytime soon. But then there's the part of me that wants to see and hold Cameron so bad. If I could have ANY Christmas wish, it would be that Cameron could come to be with us, even if just for a day, in complete human form. So I could hold him, hug him, touch his little hands, and kiss his sweet forehead once again. Except this time, unlike the last time I held him, his beautiful eyes would be wide open, gazing into mine, and he'd be gripping my finger with his tiny hand.

What I wouldn't give to have a moment just like that this Christmas. But, I know that can't happen, so I'll have to settle for my dreams. It's the closest I ever get to Cameron, and I cherish each and every one of them...

Trudging along...

I can honestly say that this December has been a little easier than last year. We'll see how I do on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but the fact that I'm doing better than last year already, is promising.

Does it mean I'm moving on? Not a chance. Never will. It just gets easier with time - as does everything in life that hurts us. I look at his ornament on the tree, and I miss him terribly, but I stop and think of how fantastic he must be doing, and how proud he must be of all of us. I can only imagine what he thinks as he looks down on his big brother and little sister. I know he loves them just as much as Aiden loves him, and as much as Allie will love him when she's old enough to know all about him.

I need to put up all of their stockings. While I'm so very happy to be putting 3 little stockings up, it's going to be hard to fill two, and have the other one be empty. I think I'll get Cam a little Christmas teddy to hang out of his. I could never let him go with nothing in there...

I need to get in the shopping mood, that's for sure! I haven't bought a single gift. Speaking of the store, I was there with Allie the other day, and a women stopped me. She was ogling over Allie, and said she had "one at home" who was about the same size. She asked how old Allie was and I told her, "About four and half months.". She then said, "Oh! Same here! July 31st!". It always makes me skip a beat when I hear that date. Just as I do whenever I hear the name Cameron. I realized I let out a little gasp, and a smile, and part of me wanted to say, "Mine too!!!!", but I quickly said, "Oh, She's the 28th!".

...I love the little things like that, that pop up so randomly.

So long ago

I think it's finally starting to hit me that Cameron's been gone this long. Before, it seemed as if we had just lost him weeks ago.

I look at his u/s picture, and now it really does feel like forever. I don't know if it's because Allie's here and she's growing so fast, or what, but I do know that something has changed.

Do I like it? Not really. While thinking of him only being gone for weeks was hard, the realization that he's been gone for over a year, kills.

This past Thanksgiving was the last of the "firsts" for us. This Christmas would have been Cameron's 2nd...but now it will be Allie's 1st.

I'm glad to be done with all of the "firsts", but having it go on to the seconds, is making this harder even yet. It just makes me think of everything Cam is missing and what he'll only continue to miss...

forever love

My love

When will this reality fully hit me? When will I stop being shocked at the fact that you're not with us? I think about you all of the time, and am happy when doing so, but then that horrid thought hits me - it hits me like it did the minute I found out you were gone. Why does this still happen a year later? I know you're gone. I've known that for over 15 months now, but why can't my mind and heart fully grasp that?

I stare at your sister and then I raise my eyes and I'm met with the sight of your urn sitting in front of me. I have a baby in my arms - a baby that should be you. It's all so complicated in my head. I'm not sure any part of me will ever truly "get" this. How does a mother differentiate between the conflicting feelings that engulf her heart as she holds her rainbow baby, but thinks so longingly of her precious angel.

I close my eyes and I can see you. I trace every part of your body with my eyes - never forgetting any single part of it. Oh sweetheart, if you only knew how much love my heart has for you. How much I miss you. How much I wish I could be planning your first birthday. This kills me...

I've come to the conclusion that my tears for you will never end. They stop on occasion, but they will never, ever be gone. I think lovingly of you, and I smile, but even so, my eyes never stay dry for long. What am I supposed to do with myself without you Cameron?

I hate living with a piece of my heart missing. How can anyone enjoy life fully like that? I live though - I live for Daddy, for Aiden, and for Allie. If it weren't for them, I don't think I'd be here right now. They keep me here, even when there are days that I so wish I could be with you. They need me... and I've learned more than ever, that I need them too.

I just want to see your face. Just one more time before the long wait I have until I'm with you. I think that's what makes this so hard. If there were a way for me to check in on you - to see your beautiful face - I could handle this. I'm your mother. I'm protective. It tears me apart inside to know that I can't be there for you!!

I love you.

Seriously?

Ok, I'm a little peeved at the moment! First off, the Walk to Remember was beautiful, but we had some serious issues.

First, we were late, and when we got there, we had learned that our shirt that we pre-ordered and registered for, had been given to other people. People that just showed up. Who's babies name wasn't on the shirt. People who hadn't registered or paid.

Apparently this was due to a misunderstanding between the volunteers. They were not supposed to sell our shirt, but instead, sell the shirts they had left over.

Not only that, but when I opened the program, they had Cameron's birthday wrong!! How do you mix up July and April, when I wrote it clear as day for you??

I emailed the director, who is an absolute sweetheart. She apologized left and right, for the shirt mistake. I didn't tell her about the program, because she was doing her best to fix the shirt issues. She offered us two free hoodies in addition to our shirts. I accepted.

Well, I get them today and guess what? Cameron's name isn't even on there!!! I'm so upset! If this was anything else, I'd let it go, but this is my baby! Fist you mess up his birthday and then you don't even include his name on the shirt with all of the other babies?!?!

My friend Heather went with us, and her baby Wyatt's name in on the shirts, so I'm just going to give her my sweatshirts. I guess all that can be done now is a refund of the money we paid to have this stuff done. I hate doing that, because I know the money goes to help with the walk, but I also paid it with the intention of getting a shirt with my babies name on it, you know??

Just thinking...

As I was going to bed tonight, I stopped in front of our entertainment center to tell Cameron goodnight and to give his urn a little kiss as I usually do.

My attention then went to his scrapbook that my wonderful "Turkey" girls had made for us. I opened it and looked at every single page once again. I love looking at it. It takes my breath away, it gives me chills, and it never fails to bring tears to my eyes when I open it.

It just got me thinking how absolutely amazing these people in my life are. They have done more for me by remembering Cameron than my own family has. And by family, I mean grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. My parents and my brothers have been absolutely amazing! They've never forgotten him for a second, and they always remember special dates.

It just warms my heart to look at those pictures, and to know that on that one day, they all took a minute out of their day to remember my sweet little boy. From my oldest brother bringing flowers to me, and sitting with me, crying with me, as we talked about Cameron and how fragile life on Earth really is, to my youngest brother remembering to release balloons in Brazil while visiting his girlfriend. It's all just amazing.

I picked up his urn after going through the book again and I squeezed that thing like I was holding on for dear life. I kissed it, I rubbed it on my cheek, and then I got that every too familiar crushing feeling in my chest. The one that makes you gasp for a quick breath.You all know what I'm talking about. (what is that anyway?)
Part of me wanted to open it. But I don't think I ever will again. I've only ever opened it once. It was shortly after he passed. I was sitting at my dinning room table, and I unscrewed the lid. I don't know why, but part of me was scared to death. Then I just sat there and stared at the white ashes. It took my mind a bit to process what I was looking at. And then I actually stuck my fingers in there and pinched a bit of the ashes between my thumb and index finger. I brought them out and sprinkled them in my palm. I then swirled them around until they had all but absorbed into my own skin. Kind of how talc powder does. I can honestly look back and say that I have absolutely no clue why I did any of that. But I did, and for some reason, it made me feel better for half a second. Is that weird?

There are just so many emotions involved in this. For a few minutes I was elated - I was happy that my little man is remembered. And then I stare at Cameron's urn, and realize that's all I have left of him. That's the only way I get to hold him...in the palm of my hand. That tiny, beautiful, cold little urn. That's my baby...

Our wonderful night, and a sign from my angel!

The vigil was small, but it was still there! It was cold and our candles kept blowing out, but we stuck it out for half an hour, an re-lit our candles time and time again.

After I got home, I lit my Cameron's candle, along with all of the other babies' candles.


The most amazing thing happened when I was sitting here as the candles burned. All of a sudden I heard this spilling/runny noise. Honestly, I thought Allie crapped her pants. My mouth fell open and I walked over to her in her bassinet. She was sleeping as content as could be! I checked her pants and she was absolutely clean. I looked over at the table, and somehow a hole had formed in the side of Cameron's candle, and wax spilled on the table. As I moved the candle, and lifted it off the wax, this is what I found:


It looks like a little angel!!! I couldn't believe it! I stuck my finger in it to try and pick it up, because I'm going to save it, but it wasn't dry yet and I burnt my finger, lol. It may be just a fluke, but c'mon! How in the world does something like that just happen!?

I know it was a sign from my little boy!!

October 15th

Tonight, here in this little city in Michigan, history will be made. It might be small, but it's just a start!

For the first time EVER, there will be a candlelight vigil held at the Fire Department. Thanks to myself and some dear friends of mine, we were able to set this up! I'm wanting this day to get more recognition than it's been getting. We deserve this one day to remember our babies. We get the entire month dedicated to boobs, and I'm ready to see that we get the attention we deserve too!!!

I see pink ribbons up everywhere for Breast Cancer Awareness. But, where are the pink and blue ribbons for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness!? I'm determined to make a difference, and I'll go to my grave trying! I will not stand for this to be a "taboo" topic any longer! It's real life. It happens. It deserves just as much attention(if not more) as our ta-ta's!

I will be lighting candles for Allie Grace, Gregory, Jenna, Ada, Lily and all of the other babies of my dear friends in blog land.

We're not expecting a huge turnout, as we just got word today. I've been spreading the news as best I can on Facebook and Myspace, so hopefully we'll get some people on over. Next year we'll be more ready and can hopefully get a decent crowd!

So...

We had the walk on the 3rd and it went great! Unfortunately we were 40min late, so we missed the memorial and the speaker. However, we did get there in time to release Cameron's balloons and go on the walk.

It was a rainy, cloud day, but when we all went down to the water to release the balloons, the clouds parted and the sun came through. It was amazing and beautiful!

I do have to share a picture with you guys! Every night while I'm rocking Allie to sleep, she does this - she'll grab a hold of Cameron's necklace and hold on tight to it before she falls fast asleep. :)

And here are some pictures from the walk:

Aiden with his balloon to Cameron

Checking out the water before Cameron's name was called

There goes Cam's balloons!

Hanging out with dad by the bridge

There were so many more people this year :(

The covered bridge we go through on the walk

On our way back from the walk

Family of Five

Wow...what a funk I've been in! I'm sure it's a combination of crazy hormones getting back on track, trying to adjust to the new emotions of actually having a new baby in our lives, and the sadness I still feel from being w/out Cameron.

However, something made me sooo happy the other day!

Aiden had come home from school, and I took out all of his stuff from his backpack. They had made a little journal about themselves, containing pictures they had drawn in accordance with the sentence at the bottom of the page. One page said, "I have____eyes". Aiden filled in the word "green", and then drew an eye and colored it green. You get the point...

One page said, "There are ____people in my family!". He filled it in the the number "5", and had drawn a picture of two big people and 3 little people. I just looked at him and smiled and he goes, "See, I remember! I'm a good big brother!" I just grabbed him and kissed him and told him he was the best big brother in the entire world. He looked and me and said a simple, "Thanks!", and then took off outside. LOL

Just the little things like that, that let me know that people haven't forgotten him, make me so incredibly happy!

Ugh.

You know, I often question when things will finally start to get better. I had this false sense of hope that in a year's time, things would magically be so much easier. I've only found recently that that's not the case.

The heartache is still very much alive in me. Even as I sit here and stare at Allie, the pain is there.

I don't know if it's just the realization that I will never feel complete - ever - until the day I'm able to hold Cameron in my arms again. If it's the just raw, emotional pain of knowing that my baby boy is gone. It's probably a lot of both. It's very surreal - even still.

Sometimes, when I'm driving in my car, I remember everything that has actually happened to us, and I'll close my eyes and shake my head. Almost as if I'm trying to shake away this horrible memory. I still cannot believe it happened to us. Then, reality hits me, and I have this immense feeling of pain go through me. Not physical pain, but a pain that cuts so deep into your heart, that it takes your breath away.

I stare at his little footprints on the little crystal that is hanging from my review mirror. Honestly, looking at those tiny feet and those precious toes, is the only thing that can make everything all better for me in that moment. I don't know why, but it makes me smile. I think because I know that's what he would want, and I know that he's right here with me.

You know what else is so incredibly hard? I pulled out the pregnancy tests that I have in his box from when i first found out I was pregnant with him. I can't describe what goes through my head when i look at them. I stare at those two pink lines - the lines that told me I had a precious baby boy growing so happily inside of me. They are one of the few things I have, besides his foot/hand prints, that shows that he really was here with us. God, how I wish I could turn back time. Go back to that day when I first found out I was pregnant. I was sooooo happy! I never dreamed, in a million years, what was to come.

Then I go back to blaming myself. The night before, Chev and I had a birthday party to go to. I took a dollar tree pregnancy test before we left, just to make double sure that I wasn't pregnant, incase I wanted to drink. I took it, and to my disappointment, it looked just as the one the day before did. Blank.
So, we went to the party, and I ended up drinking almost an entire 6 pack of froo-froo girlie drinks. I specifically remember going to the bathroom with my cousin, and when we walked out, I looked at her and said, "Oh shit...Katie. I think I'm pregnant.". Now why I said this, I have no idea. But I stopped drinking for the rest of the night.

The next morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom. For whatever reason, I decided to pull that test out I had taken the night before. I looked at it and had to blink several times. Right there, in front of me, in the spot that looked 100% blank the night before, was a faint pink line. So, of course, I took another one, and sure enough....a light pink line showed up. Why didn't it show up the night before?! I freaked a little, but reminded myself that women sometimes don't even find out they're pregnant until 3 months or so, and in that time, they continue to do things they always did. They end up with healthy pregnancies.

Long story short, I think that's where my guilt comes from. I have to wonder if that one night of selfish enjoyment is what caused my sweet little boy's demise. What if me drinking did something to weaken the amniotic sac - or maybe it was the cause of his umbilical cord covering not being attached to the placenta. The Dr. said that factor wasn't a huge concern, because they see it often, but I still just look at is as another thing that was wrong with the way my body created his little home. The things that were supposed to give him life, support him, and nourish him, were faulty. I blame myself for that. He was perfect. He was healthy. I failed him.

I've just been having a hard time lately...