Thursday, October 23, 2008

Is this the road to nowhere?

Oh wow. My mind has been everywhere and back in the past week. Half of the time I don't even know what I'm thinking. All I know is that this sucks. It sucks and it hurts...plain and simple.

I keep going back to the hospital. I remember lying there with Cameron in my arms. I could feel the weight of him (even though it wasn't much) lying in my arms. I stared out the window and, for a second, I tried to pretend that everything was normal. That I was holding my newborn baby boy in my arms and that he was just sleeping. My mind wanted to believe that was true, but the moment I looked down, every hope that I had, every wish that was going through my head, was shattered at the sight of my precious Cameron. So beautiful, but so still. His chest wasn't rising and falling like I wanted it to. Nothing was how it was supposed to be.

And still, nothing is.

Life's not the same, I'm not the same, my heart is definitely not the same. I'm broken down, and I have absolutely no idea where to go with all of this. 3 months is coming up quick, and I don't feel as if I'm any "better" than the moment I found out Cameron was gone. Does it get better? Will I heal? Will I ever be able to go a full week without crying, ever again?

My heart aches everytime I see Aiden making loving gestures for Cameron or everytime he asks about his little brother. I love that he talks about him, but I hate that he doesn't get to meet his brother, that he was so excited about, in a couple of months. I try to include Cameron in everything we do around here! Why shouldn't I? He is still very much a part of this family, and I'm going to make sure no one forgets that. So what if he's not here. He's still my son and I love him more than life itself.

I sometimes feel like people think I'm silly for doing the things I do. Sometimes, I even feel as if Chev thinks it too. I'm probably wrong, but he just doesn't do the things I do. I don't fault him for that, and I know he loves Cameron, but I feel like he would rather just move on from what happened. Not that he wants to forget Cameron, but that maybe he doesn't want to relive what happened. Like he knows it happened, but sort of wants to "brush it under the rug."

And It's not that I want to relive what happened. I just want to keep Cameron's memory alive - it's all I have left of him. Of course people are going to ask: What memory? How could you have a memory of someone you never met?

I didn't have to officially meet my son to know him. He grew inside me for 5 months! I knew his schedule, I felt his tiny kicks, I saw his heart beating, I watched on many ultrasound screens as he played around inside my belly. I saw his face. I know he looked just like his daddy and big brother! I studied his every feature so that I will never forget it. And I haven't. Everytime I close my eyes, I can see him as clear as day, and I'm so grateful for that.
Those are the memories I have! That's my Cameron! He was a person, no matter how small!

I just hate that I feel more comfortable talking about OUR son with my friends, than I do with Chev. Well mainly just Heather I suppose. She says it's kind of the same way with her husband, so I've sort of settled on the fact that it's just a "guy thing". I don't get it, and I hate it, but I suppose that's how it is. I just feel like Chev doesn't talk about him...EVER. Not even to his friends or family. I swear sometimes his family has just let it go. They don't ask or talk about him or anything.

My mom has let me know many times that she still thinks about Cameron. Everyday as a matter of fact. I love knowing that, I really do. I know I've said it before, but it makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one with him constantly on my mind.


Mrs. Mother said...

I feel like I'm getting worse because I'm getting closer to my due date. It might be the same for you.

I still carry in my purse all of the cards I received. I also have the envelope of her pictures taken after she was born and her ultrasound pics in my purse. I've kept all my doctor appointment cards, and the information about the ultrasound. It keeps me close to her.

Anonymous said...

I also feel like other people can't understand why I do the things I do. Sometimes it seems like maybe they feel I should be over it by now. Well I am not and I never will be, that little girl will be in my heart and mind forever and that is okay.

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

I promise you, it will get better. Hang in there. I think the 3rd and 4th months were the hardest for me and then it started getting so much better. I'm 8 mos out now and at the point where I feel a little guilty for not feeling the despair and sadness I felt a few months ago. Grieve as long as you need to and in anyway you need to. I'm sorry Chev is dealing with it in a different way - unfortunately I think that's a man thing. Mark was supportive for a week or 2, then after that never really talked about it again. It's not that they don't care, they just don't know what to do with their emotions. Sending you lots of love and hugs!

Beth said...

I really do think it's a guy thing. Men grieve differently. In fact, I was reading a book today (An Empty Cradle, A Full Heart) with reflections written by parents who have lost a child. I thought about this one when I read your post:

I am a man. I am not a woman. Let me grieve as a man. I don't want to hug your sister or your mother. I don't want to talk about it. My baby is dead. I want to be left alone. I love you as you are. You are a woman. I am a man. Let me grieve as a man. Leave me alone for a while and let me grieve.