Oh wow. My mind has been everywhere and back in the past week. Half of the time I don't even know what I'm thinking. All I know is that this sucks. It sucks and it hurts...plain and simple.
I keep going back to the hospital. I remember lying there with Cameron in my arms. I could feel the weight of him (even though it wasn't much) lying in my arms. I stared out the window and, for a second, I tried to pretend that everything was normal. That I was holding my newborn baby boy in my arms and that he was just sleeping. My mind wanted to believe that was true, but the moment I looked down, every hope that I had, every wish that was going through my head, was shattered at the sight of my precious Cameron. So beautiful, but so still. His chest wasn't rising and falling like I wanted it to. Nothing was how it was supposed to be.
And still, nothing is.
Life's not the same, I'm not the same, my heart is definitely not the same. I'm broken down, and I have absolutely no idea where to go with all of this. 3 months is coming up quick, and I don't feel as if I'm any "better" than the moment I found out Cameron was gone. Does it get better? Will I heal? Will I ever be able to go a full week without crying, ever again?
My heart aches everytime I see Aiden making loving gestures for Cameron or everytime he asks about his little brother. I love that he talks about him, but I hate that he doesn't get to meet his brother, that he was so excited about, in a couple of months. I try to include Cameron in everything we do around here! Why shouldn't I? He is still very much a part of this family, and I'm going to make sure no one forgets that. So what if he's not here. He's still my son and I love him more than life itself.
I sometimes feel like people think I'm silly for doing the things I do. Sometimes, I even feel as if Chev thinks it too. I'm probably wrong, but he just doesn't do the things I do. I don't fault him for that, and I know he loves Cameron, but I feel like he would rather just move on from what happened. Not that he wants to forget Cameron, but that maybe he doesn't want to relive what happened. Like he knows it happened, but sort of wants to "brush it under the rug."
And It's not that I want to relive what happened. I just want to keep Cameron's memory alive - it's all I have left of him. Of course people are going to ask: What memory? How could you have a memory of someone you never met?
I didn't have to officially meet my son to know him. He grew inside me for 5 months! I knew his schedule, I felt his tiny kicks, I saw his heart beating, I watched on many ultrasound screens as he played around inside my belly. I saw his face. I know he looked just like his daddy and big brother! I studied his every feature so that I will never forget it. And I haven't. Everytime I close my eyes, I can see him as clear as day, and I'm so grateful for that.
Those are the memories I have! That's my Cameron! He was a person, no matter how small!
I just hate that I feel more comfortable talking about OUR son with my friends, than I do with Chev. Well mainly just Heather I suppose. She says it's kind of the same way with her husband, so I've sort of settled on the fact that it's just a "guy thing". I don't get it, and I hate it, but I suppose that's how it is. I just feel like Chev doesn't talk about him...EVER. Not even to his friends or family. I swear sometimes his family has just let it go. They don't ask or talk about him or anything.
My mom has let me know many times that she still thinks about Cameron. Everyday as a matter of fact. I love knowing that, I really do. I know I've said it before, but it makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one with him constantly on my mind.