So, I woke up this morning, rolled over and looked at the time.
After last evening and this morning...God, I don't know. Part of me just smiled, but that smile was suddenly overran with intense sadness. It's a sadness that hits you so deep down in your soul, you can't really explain it. It's a sadness that you feel over your entire body. It doesn't necessarily show to the outside world, but you can feel it in the pit of your stomach.
Sometimes it makes me half sick. Other times it makes me completely shut myself down. Once in a while, the tears will fall, and other times, I push through it. I don't know what's going to happen this time. I always get through these moments, but it's the uncertainty that scares me. Am I going to break down out of nowhere? Am I going to be a raging bitch to Chev or have a short temper with Aiden? I just don't know.
I think I can also blame a lot of how I'm feeling right now on my monthy visitor. It's not because I'm not pregnant, but more so because I'm just an emotional person...even more so around this time. Part of me is a little happy I'm not pregnant. It just gives my body one more month to get back on track, and to be that much more healthy to carry our 3rd child.
As December gets closer, I feel a nervousness coming through me. I thought for sure I'd be OK, and that we'd find something special to do for Cameron. I know I still will, but I think I'm going to be alone while doing it. Honestly, I've felt very alone this entire time. Yes, Chev has been there FOR me, but not with me. I feel like I'm the only one going through this.
I was alone at the hospital when I found out Cameron's heart was no longer beating. Chev left because he had a concrete job. Why couldn't he have stayed just 5 more minutes?! He was walking out the door as they were setting up the u/s machine!!! I also felt very alone after I delivered Cameron. Yes, Chev was right there, but I felt as if it were just Cameron and I in that bed as I held him. Chev never held him...never kissed him...nothing. Didn't even touch him.
Chev never cried once at the Walk to Remember. I looked around and saw all of these other grown men crying. Holding tissues to their face. Then I looked at my own husband and he was just standing there, once in awhile looking around. How the fuck does this not effect him!?
He never talks about Cameron - doesn't even mention his name. EVER. I do, but it turns into a 3 second conversation, and then it's just over. I am just SO over with feeling alone. Feeling like I'm the only one who lost Cameron, when he was Chev's son too!!!
I'm so thankful I have Heather and all of the other mommies on here. I truly don't know what I would do without those women. I honestly don't think I would have been able to get through this. At all.