I've just been having a rough week. I was doing OK, but then had a Dr. appointment yesterday. Just to go over some things I didn't understand at my 6wk PP checkup.
I found some peace in finally knowing what happend, and what cause Cameron's heart to stop, but at the same time, being in that office, and talking about it, brought me right back to the beginning.
I feel like I'm not myself. Like I haven't been for a very long time. I think I've been tricking myself into believing that I'm OK, and that my smiles are genuine. Deep down, I know better. When I'm with a group of people, I still feel like I'm the odd one out. No one says anything to me about it, and no one makes me feel that way necessarily, but I just do.
When I'm having fun for instance - I feel like it's forced. Because the second I stop smiling, my mind goes straight to Cameron and how I would be going on 8months pregnant. How I should be having my baby shower in a month, and how big my belly would be right now.
I'm getting nervous about December being here and seeing the snow on the ground. It's just going to remind me so much that I should be welcoming my baby boy soon. Then there's Christmas - Cameron's due date. God help me, what am I going to do when that day comes?!
I feel like I haven't been taking time out for ME this entire time. I've been so concerned with what everyone else thought, that I never took the time to be selfish for once in my life. I need to do that. It's time.
I think a lot of it also has to do with me not getting pregnant this month. I know it was our first month trying, but I'm so nervous that I'm not going to get pregnant before Christmas. I think that's the only thing that will make that day a little bit easier on me.
I think I might call my doctor and talk about getting back on Wellbutrin. I hate pills. I am a firm believer that our bodies are much stronger and more resilient that Dr's give us credit for. But, there comes a time, when you really have to make a decision based on what's best for you. This is just one of those time that I may need a little help.
I'm going to give it some more time. With this new found self-awareness, and the choice to be more selfish from now on, we'll see what happens.
Somedays I just want to start driving and never stop. The only thing that keeps me from doing so is Aiden and Chev. I could never just up and leave them.